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CFH

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  1. Hey guys, Just thought I'd drop in and let you know how things are going for me. I'm not around here much, frankly because I don't like having to face the reality of what has happened. I'm not in denial or anything, it's just too hard to think about. I know that's not the most healthy way of doing things... I feel bad about it, but it's hard to be on here sometimes. I still lurk from time to time, I just don't post much. My anxiety is still there (GAD, social anxiety, OCD-type thinking), I've been seeing a psychaitrist for it, but it's definitely a slow process. I've learned meditation techniques, which sometimes seem to help, but I'm now considering asking to be put on anti-depressants, which I'm told are helpful for anxiety. I don't really want to take them, but if nothing else works I will have no choice. Does anyone have any experience with them? Anyways, I'm glad I'm not alone in dealing with these issues. I was always a fairly anxious person, but since my mom's death it seems to have grown exponentially. Josh
  2. Thanks Marty. I've made an appointment to see a psychiatrist on June 9th, which was the earliest possible date. I'll just white-knuckle it until then. I'm going to try and refrain from taking the Ativan unless I absolutely have to, I just don't like the idea of being doped up. Thanks for the help. Josh
  3. Hi, Jackie. If the attacks are affecting you on a regular basis, I would suggest going to see your doctor about them. There are plenty of medications and therapies that can be used to help you. I am always hesitant to use meds, but that doesn't mean they aren't extremely beneficial to some people. If you need to talk about them, feel free to post about it here or to send me a PM, I'll try to check them regularly. Josh.
  4. Thanks for the response Bob. I really want to learn some meditation techniques, I've never done it before but I'm going to look into it asap.
  5. Hi Robert, I've experienced the loss of my mother, and she was truly like a best friend to me. I know exactly what you mean about not being able to get over the "what ifs". My mom's death was accidental as well, and I used to drive myself nuts going over all the different scenarios through which it may have been avoided. I think about those "what its" a lot less frequently these days, but they still pop up. I just try not to think about them these days, but honestly, I think I'm repressing a great deal of emotions regarding my situation, so this is probably not the most helpful advice. I just don't know how to deal with all the pain. You could always try talking to a counselor or a phsychiatrist (sp). I spoke to a shrink for a few weeks shortly after my moms passing, but I stopped going because I didn't see the benefit. I was still in shock I think, because now I'm trying to get back in to see him. In retrospect it was quite beneficial.
  6. Hi guys, I haven't posted here for a while, but I still browse it often. I was wondering if anyone else has experienced panic attacks following the death of a loved one? My mom passed away just over a year ago, and I've found that since then I have become prone to getting significant anxiety/panic attacks. I've always been a bit of an anxious person, but I never experienced any severe attacks until after my mom's death. These attacks occur intermittently and most often happen while I'm trying to sleep. I'm home from work today because I had one last night, I didn't get to sleep until around 3-4am, so I called my boss and told him I was sick. I feel kind of guilty about it, but I didn't want to be driving around all day feeling like this. I was just wondering if anyone else has experienced these types of episodes? If so, do you have any advice for dealing with them? My doctor prescribed me some ativan, which thankfully I have only had to take once since he gave them to me a month ago (I took 1/2 of one last night). It seems to help in a minor way, but the last thing I want is to develop a dependency on them. I'm really frustrated by this, because I have a great opportunity coming up this summer to go to a university field school, a significant component of my education, which will require me to live on a remote island doing archaeological work for 6 weeks this summer. I really don't want to not be able to attend. This anxiety is starting my make me wonder if I have somehow been driving "over the edge" so to speak by the stresses associated with my situation. Any help at all would be appreciated. Sorry for rambling. Josh
  7. Thanks for all the responces. Intellectually I know passing in my sleep is probably to easiest way to go, but the idea of not seeing it coming just terrifies me. Of course the idea of seeing it coming also terrifies me, so perhaps I am just scared of dying in general. I actually am finding that as time goes by the problems with sleeping are getting worse, which is troubling. Karenb: I know exactly what you mean about getting to 48. At this point its gotten so bad for me that I feel I will be lucky if I can make it to 30 (I'm 26 now). Thanks again for responding. CFH.
  8. I'm sorry we have to go through this as well man. I feel like as my mom was only 49 when she passed that I have been robbed of a great deal of time with her (especially since I was a pretty bad person for much of my youth). Her death was an accident as well, so there was no time to adjust to the thought of her passing (not that that would have made things easier), it all just disappeared in a second. I know exactly what you mean in regards to your friends avoiding you. It seems like whenever I see my few friends, which is infrequent at best, they avoid the subject completely and they seem to think that I should be 'normal' or the same as I was before. Even my girlfriend of 6 years, who I live with, will not talk about this with me. Pretty much the only person I can talk to is my 75 yr old grandma, and I don't like bringing it up because I know it hurts her. I also find I just cannot put this behind me and move on with life. I know words like what I am about to say can really ring hollow, and I hope they're not offensive or anything but, in a way I envy the fact that you can spend time at your moms house with her dog, though I have no doubt that it is an extremely difficult thing to do. I wish I could spend time with my mom's dogs, but they passed away with her and pretty much everything she owned in a house fire, so there was almost nothing left. Its like all that stuff never existed at all. I lost a great deal of my possessions as well, not that that means anything when compared to losing ones mother, but I often wish I had more of her things to remember her by or more of the things we had given to eachother. I have about a shoe-box filled with little glass figurines she collected that survived the fire, but thats it. My step-dad owns the property on which the house once stood and he also has the car, I have not seen him since the funeral and he will not return my calls, which I do not understand (this probably hurts me more than I care to admit). I guess I'm just rambling on at this point. I hope things get easier for you Drew, and if you even need someone to talk to or to vent to feel free to send me a message. Good luck. CFH
  9. This may sound sort of strange and I'm a bit embarassed to admit it, but I have found that ever since my mother passed away (about 8 months ago)I have become intensly conscious of my own mortality. But I have somehow become scared of falling asleep. I am slighty paranoid of dying while I sleep, probably because my mother was sleeping when she passed away, and had she been awake it could have probably been avoided. But the biggest problem is that when I'm lying in bed, trying to sleep, and I feel myself beginning to fall asleep I force myself to wake back up because it almost makes me think that I am dying somehow, or that I am putting myself in some kind of danger by falling asleep. Ridiculous, I know. I manage to get to sleep eventually, but it has to sneak up on me if you know what I mean. It doesn't happen every time I go to bed, but it does occur somewhat frequently. Like I said, I know this probably sounds really strange, but has anyone experienced anything like this?
  10. Hey Drew, I know exactly what you are talking about, I'm 26 myself and I lost my mother about 6 months ago. As cheesy as it might sound she was my best friend, and I often (more like constantly) find myself wishing I could call her up and tell her about some new development in my life, or to ask advice, or whatever. I'm a student as well, I went back to school after my mom encouraged it. I felt too old, etc. but I did it at her urging, and now I long to be able to share with her all the opportunities that have become available to me because of it. You're lucky that you have a friend you can share your emotions with, I've found it nearly impossible to share how I am feeling with anyone, even my girlfriend of 6 years. I was able to talk to a friend once, but I just find it too hard to bring up again. As far as God goes, I don't really know what to say. I believe in him, but I'm not religious and that makes it kind of hard to define my beliefs, if that makes any sense, but I know that sometimes God feels very near and sometimes God feels very far away or non-existant. This experience has certainly put some strains on my beliefs. Sorry for rambling on, I kind of doubt anything I said helped, but I know how you feel and I hope you feel better. CFH
  11. Hi guys, thanks for the responces. Sorry it took me so long to respond - I've been so busy with exams I forgot. I was terrified but I forced myself to get on the plane, but I felt really embarrassed because I was visibly scared and normally I am pretty composed; but it doesn't bother me now. It was a small plane, so it was a bouncy trip, but we made it there just fine. I can completely relate to becoming very conscious of one's mortality, it always seems to be in my thoughts these days. The thought of dying never really used to frighten me. Thanks again for your replies, and I really am sorry that I didn't respond sooner.
  12. Hi, I unfortunately lost my mother about 6 months ago. I've become very conscious of my own mortality since then. Tommorow, my girlfriend and I are flying to Seattle for a trip in a seaplane. I've always been quite afraid of flying, but I am completely paralyzed by fear right now- its worse than any fear I can remember feeling. I am absolutely terrified to get on that plane. I know it will most likely be fine and I know that flying is a perfectly safe mode of transportation, but I can't seem to help feeling this way. I keep imagining all of the worse case senarios over and over again. I know it is important to face ones fear, so I'm going to go, but I was wondering if anyone had any advice or any tips on how to remain calm. Thanks for taking the time to read this.
  13. Hi Elizabeth, I wish I could offer some words of help or comfort, but all I can say is I know how you feel. I lost my mom and my 3 dogs in the same incident, about 4 months ago. I've never met my father so at least I don't have to suffer through this again, but I just want to say I completely understand your feelings of loneliness and disconnect. I'm pretty much in the same boat you are, feeling many of the same feelings. I can't talk to anyone about it. The only person I can talk to is my Grandma, but I don't want to make her sad so I don't bring it up. I feel worse all the time, its like I'm starting to fall apart a little bit at a time. Sorry if my words lack the encouragement you were looking for, but I just wanted you to know that you're not alone in this strange place of grief.
  14. I had a similar thing happen about a week or so after my mom passed away. Like you, I was desperate to talk to her/see her again and I longed for a dream with her in it or something that would allow me to connect with her again. I posted in an earlier thread about this, so I'll just copy and paste it into this one. I'm too apathetic to edit it at the moment, so not all of it may be relevant to your post. Hi Anne, I'm sorry about your loss... I lost my mom almost 2 weeks ago, very suddenly in an accident, and since I've never met my father it feels like I've lost both parents at once. I am 25 and my mom was 49, less than a month away from 50. I may be getting to this thread a little late, but I'll gladly share my experience with you and I hope it can help you, even just a bit. This is very hard for me to type, but I'll try not to forget anything. I'm not a religious person, but I do believe in God and I talk to God often. After my mom's death (it still doesn't seem real - though I know it is), I was desperate for some sort of sign that she was ok and happy where she was. I went to the viewing and sat beside her for a long time, hoping that I would somehow feel closer to her or that I would feel her presence. I felt nothing, and in retrospect I'm glad I didn't, because I'd hate to think that she was lingering around, suffering. About 1/2 a week ago or so (the days kind of blend together) I had a dream in which I was with her, driving in her car down the same streets we drove together countless times. We went back to a house that I knew was hers, though I had never been there before because it wasn't the house she lived in. She was laying on a bed in the living room and she looked many years younger. At some point I realized it was a dream, which never happens to me, and I began asking her questions - is she ok/happy, is God with her etc. She answered all those questions in a way that made me feel better, but in a way as if I couldn't understand because I'm still here. But when I told her how bad I was suffering, she looked confused as if she vaguely remembered those sorts of things but could no longer relate. Almost like if I were trying to explain life to a baby in the womb. I'm still confused as to whether or not it was just my imagination, but I think if it was she would have answered some of my questions differently... I awoke after I had asked a few questions, even though I tried desperately to hold on to the dream I could not. I don't necessarily feel her presence near me, but though the dream made me feel quite strangly, it helped in a way... anyways, sorry for the long rambling post, it was very hard to write, but I just wanted to share this with you. J.
  15. Hi bmsbabygirl, I'm also pretty new here - my mom, who was the only parent I had, passed away 2 1/2 months ago very suddenly and without any warning. I'm the same age as you as well, so I can relate to not having anyone to talk to about it, especially someone your own age. I also have the same sort of regrets you talked about, initially I was periodically overwhelmed by them. I've kind of realized that the regrets I have, like not telling her I loved her more or not appologizing for certain things etc., don't really matter because I'm sure she knew/know's how I felt about her; and she wouldn't want me feeling that way anyways. I'm afraid I don't have any decent advice, but I just wanted to say that I know what you're going through.
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