Diana A

Kat, I am so sorry to hear about Bear. I know how difficult it is to lose a fur baby to cancer as I lost one several years ago to a cancerous tumor in the heart. Now one of my other doggies has a tumor in his liver and I've already started grieving in anticipation of losing him. I know sometimes there are no words to ease the pain experienced. Hold on to his memory and the special times you had together. I think you can help Elvis through his grief by giving him extra special attention and affection, as he also accustoms himself to not having your beautiful Bear around. I pray that God strengthens and comforts you through these times. Diana

Dear Nancy, My heart goes out to you. When my Pino (German shepard/Sheltie Mix) died amost two years ago, I felt my life come to an end. He was the love of my life and I had him for almost 12 years. He looked tired (which we assumed was from old age) but in general we thought he was healthy. One day he collapsed and it turned out he had a big tumor on his heart. Long story short, I put him through chemo and within three months he died. He suffered a lot and I had that guilt for a very long time. I always will to some extent. "What if I had done this...What if I had done that..." I think I will always ask these questions. I don't think there is anything that people can tell you to ease your pain. Unfortunately, I believe that the only way to make the pain eventually bearable is to grieve the loss. You need time to cry...to remember Tess...to experience the array of emotions associated with the pain of losing a dear one. I used a pet loss support group, which I found most helpful. I also eventually ended up going to a psychologist because I could not shake the depression setting in from all the pain. You may not need all that...we all grieve differently and I had a pre-disposition to depression. I'm also a psychotherapist so I made use of what I thought would help me best. Whatever you decide to do, remember that the feelings of loneliness, sadness, and emptiness are part of a normal (but painful) process. I will pray that God gives you the strength to help you heal to the extent that your pain will be tolerable. I think you will always have sadness...if someone tells you otherwise, they are lying. But hopefully, you'll get to the point where the sadness will be there without much suffering. God bless, Diana

I am so sorry to hear about Max. I know how hard it is as I went through so much pain when my Pino was also diagnosed with cancer, though a different kind. I will definitely keep both you and Max in my prayers. I think it is good that you allow him to do what he likes. I tried to do the same for my Pino. He loved to go to a certain area where he could sniff and smell. But there came a point that he was so fatigued that he couldn't walk the 1 1/2 blocks to get there. So my husband and I would drive him in the car and let him out there. But after a while, the illness took over and he no longer had interest in that either. The anticipation of losing Pino was horrendous as I am sure your anticipation of losing Max is horrendous as well. Although I knew the day would come when I would no longer have him, I had expected my Pino to live 7 or 8 more months after putting him through Chemo. So I was somewhat shocked and I wasn't prepared when he suddenly collapsed again. I had not planned ahead. So I am glad that you have been able to make plans for the dreaded moment. And Yes crying is okay. I have had many nights of crying. It is only normal when you lose a beloved pet or fur baby as I called them. May you enjoy your last moments with Max and find comfort in the memories of the times that you shared with him. God bless, Diana

Hi Jay, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I know how painful it is, as I am still experiencing the grief of losing my Pino. I lost my Pino (German Shepard/Sheltie mix) on 4/29/07 and it has been one of the most difficult things in my life. I still cry everyday and I find it difficult to cope with day to day activities. My Pino was almost 13 years old and seemed in good health except for some arthritis, but like your Ginger, he was diagnosed with cancer - an aggressive type of cancer of the heart that spread quickly. If you have been reading the postings, you probably read that I opted for the chemo hoping to prolong his life, but it was such a mistake because it caused him so much agony in the last month and a half of his life and I regret it so much. I ended up taking him back to the horrible clinic that he hated so much to be put to sleep because he got to a point where he couldn't even get up anymore - he was weak and fragile - I wanted him to go peacefully at home - but it was agonizing to see him limp, with his gums so pale and with his breathing so shallow and rapid. My fear was that he would suffocate to death because the cancer had spread to his lungs. So I took him in - and I have regrets about that too - but I've realized that whatever I would have done, I probably would have had regrets, nonetheless. I miss my Pino terribly and I always will. No other dog will ever be able to replace him, as I don't think any other dog will replace your Ginger. I tell you that because I have two other dogs. Daisy was there when my Pino passed. She had been there for almost three years. Teddy - we almost ran over about a month and 1/2 ago and we took him in and although we contemplated taking him to a shelter, my husband decided that we should keep him. I guess he figured it would help me to stop crying over Pino's absence. But it hasn't made me stop crying nor has it stopped my longing to have him and hold him. Pino will always be my special baby. Like you, I had no children when I got him - I still don't, but my husband and I saw him as our first "son." A new puppy needs a lot of attention and if you're emotionally drained right now, it may not be the right time. I've found that I get a little annoyed with Teddy's request for attention (and he's not a puppy; he's 1-2 yrs old according to the vet). I think I get annoyed mainly because I just need time to be alone in my grief and both Daisy and Teddy follow me like bodyguards. Of course, Pino did so too, but it did not really bother me at the time. I guess the point that I'm trying to make, and excuse me for rambling, is that I knew I wasn't ready to have another dog - we took Teddy in because we found him on the streets and although I don't and would never reject any animal's affection, I find that emotionally, I haven't been able to connect to him - and I know it has to do with my grieving over Pino. I won't give Teddy away at ths point because he is happy to have a home and, Daisy, my other dog also seems happy to have a companion. I just hope that with time I learn to love him and can give him genuine affection. I often feel guilty that as an animal lover, I have not been able to develop an emotional bond to him. But he's a sweet dog and eventually, I'm sure he'll win my heart. I know it's not him - it's me - I need time. We all need time to grieve. It's going to take a long time for me to accept the fact that Pino is never coming back. Jay, you may also need time to grieve for Ginger or you may be ready for another puppy. I think you will know it in your heart when you are ready. Whatever you decision is, you will never replace your Ginger. Each furbaby's love is so special and unique that it is irreplaceable. Again, I am so sorry for the loss of your Ginger. Diana

Hi Maylissa, I had to write to tell you that I understand when you say that you feel alone and lonely. I feel the same way not having my beloved Pino. It's been almost 2 1/2 months since I lost him and my sadness doesn't seem to get any better. My father and his significant other came from NY to visit for two weeks and I felt that I had to hide my feelings because they couldn't understand that I was still so sad over not having my baby. I had to go into my bedroom at night and cry when no one would see me. Last Saturday I went to the support group and I felt "safe" to let out my emotions - but I haven't been able to stop crying since then. Someone in the group referred to her fur baby as "the love of her life" and then it hit me - Pino was the love of my life and WILL AlWAYS BE. That being said, I don't know how I'll ever move on - So I understand that you're still grieving for Sabin and Nissa. I dread the 29th of every month because it's a reminder of that horrible moment when I lost my Pino and it increases my longing for him because I know he'll never come back home. I don't know if other people move on so easily - some people may, I guess - Other people may numb their feelings by trying not to think about their loss and then go through life with these unresolved emotions that resurface when they are faced with other difficult life events. I think it's a coping mechanism. No one wants to go through this horrendous process, but when you love, there is always the possiblity of experiencing pain, especially with our fur babies because their life span is so short. Sometimes I wish I could go to sleep and never wake so that I wouldn't have to feel this overwhelming pain. But the next morning comes and there is no escaping it. It doesn't matter what you do - the pain is there!! The longing to hold my beloved fur baby is an agonizing torture. I think I will dread the first, second, third and many anniversaries of his death because I love him so much. I miss him, as you miss your babies. So I think it's only normal that you continue to feel the way you do. I know I will feel this sadness forever, even though I have to continue living my life, day to day. I had my Pino for almost 13 years - how can people expect that I ever forget him or forget the love that he gave me and the special bond that we shared? A part of me died with him and because of that my life will never be the same. So even if many people don't understand, there are some of us that do, Maylissa. I don't know if I made much sense. When I cry my mind feels clouded. But I just wanted you and others to know that I can relate to the feelings of sadness, pain, and loneliness.

Thank you, Maylissa, for sharing this with us. Even it though the poem is about kittens and cats, I think it applies to all pets and pet lovers. It made me cry as I thought about my Pino and how we ran out of time... If only, just if only, we could turn back time, all this pain would cease. Unfortunately, we can't - so we have to endure it and hold on to the hope that someday we will reunite with our beloved pets and not have to worry about time ... knowing that nothing will take them away from us ever again.

Hi Maylissa, I had to write to share this story with you because, ironically, we were talking about this topic in our last e-mail. Remember, my thoughts on adopting another dog? After reading your message, I figured you were right - that perhaps, I should wait and give it more time - because, truthfully, I had intended to adopt another dog that looked just like Pino so that I could find some relief in seeing a similar face. Well, last Sunday as my husband and I were driving, we almost ran over a dog. I got out of the car because usually that makes them run away from the middle of the street. But instead of running, this dog wagged his tail and approached me. My husband told me to grab him so that we could leave him in a nearby trailer park - he figured it may belong to someone there. Althought I was hesitant to pick him up, out of fear that he would bite me, I did nonetheless. No struggles, and he was as friendly as ever. It turned out that apart from being extremely dirty and matted, he was infested with ticks. Of course, we felt bad for the dog and decided to take him to the vet to have him shaved (he's a white bichon mix breed with long hair), have them remove the ticks and treat him for it. We did that and then came home him. Now the dilemma was, do we take him to a shelter immediately or try to find him a home. My husband felt bad taking him to a shelter and, homestly so did I - so here he is. I've been asking around for a home for him, and even contacted an organization - Small Paws - and the person who called me back stated that she would look around for a foster home and call me within a few days. My husband has taken a strong liking to whom he now refers to as Teddy. I feel somewhat ashamed to say that despite the fact that the dog is extremely friendly and affectionate and constantly looks to be my side, I have no feelings for him. I feel sorry for him, but that'a about it. That is a very unusual reaction for me because normally I feel a tenderness and closeness to animals - but not in this situation. I feel like I am betraying my baby (Pino) and I don't want to ever forget him. I feel good that I did something to help a stray animal - I guess I remember that's how I started with my Pino, but I developed such strong feelings for my Pino right away and this dog, despite his attempts to engage me, evokes nothing but pity. I feel so bad. I get the sense that my husband really wants to keep him and I told him if he wanted to, he could, as long as he is the one that is more involved with him. I was very involved in taking care of my Pino and even with Daisy - because of their medical problems. And speaking of Daisy - I can't quite grasp what she is feeling about this dog. Ironically, he acts like Pino, in regards to her - he basically ignores her - I told my husband that my poor Daisy will get traumatized because no male dog shows any interest in her. Actually, I'm just joking - most people think that if this dog ended up staying, eventually he and Daisy would become friends. I don't know what to do. Do you think that I would, eventually, develop feelings for him if he stayed? I even have a hard time referring to him by the name my husband gave him. I usually call him the dog. I have to admit that he is a sweet dog, though. i just don't want my Pino's memory betrayed and I told my husband I don't want him to ever forget our first fur baby. I hope he won't. I will always love my Pino very much. I really don't know why I don't feel I can't give love to someone else. Right now, as I write, he is sitting at my feet. He follows me everywhere. It's terrible - I can't believe that I feel this way because I've always loved animals so much. I am treating him nicely, though. I would never mistreat any animal. I even give him occasional belly rubs, but the feelings aren't there. I guess I have severals days to think about what to do with him. In the meantime, I found a low cost clinic that will neuter him - so he has an appointment on Friday - that should be more of an incentive for adoption if someone decides to take him. As always, thanks for the opportunity to express my feelings.

Maylissa, Thank you for sharing your story. It seems Like I am able to draw bits and pieces from each story to help in my healing. Reading that it was just as difficult to see your precious Sabin die at home, made me think that I would have probably felt just as bad if I had kept my beloved Pino at home and waited for him to pass on. I waited from 4:30 AM to 10:30 AM, the horrible day of his death, and I could no longer take the agony of his shallow breathing and not knowing if he was in pain. That's when I decided to take him in to the hospital that he so much hated. At that moment it seemed the lesser of two evils. I still wonder, however, if I had asked for the Vet to drain the blood from the sac around his heart, would he had gotten up again, as he did on 2/4/07 - the first time it was done. But the reality is that he was not eating now, I was force-feeding him and he hated that too. He found no pleasure in walking - or actually, he couldn't really walk because of the lethargy and fatigue. The last two days, my husband and I put him in the car and drove him several blocks to Baseline Ave where he had once enjoyed sniffing the flowers and bushes, but his strength was gone and he simply stood there about to collapse. So maybe it is true that even if the blood had been drained, he may have not gotten up again. He was too weak, and the cancer spread too quickly. I try not to come home immediately from work because it is so painful to not see him here. But then I think of Daisy, the miniature dachsund that we have and I come home just for her. Even though Pino was never close to her, she was somewhat close to him and see misses him. We rescued her almost three years ago and I guess Pino never liked her because he was so used to being the only baby in the home and Daisy took some of the attention away from him. Plus, initially Daisy was a nasty little thing because she was abused and she was not nice to Pino. When she finally realized that we would give her love and not abuse her, she became loving to everyone (with occasional nipping outbursts) and sought Pino's attention. By then, Pino did not want anything to do with her. He was never mean to her. He just ignored her. Despite that, Daisy learned a lot from him and now when we see her do things that Pino used to do, we are pround of her, but also very proud of our Pino because he was a wonderful teacher. Sadly though, as I mentioned, Pino ignored her to the very end despite our hopes and attempts to get them to play together. Maylissa, I go through moments of "intense emotions" - emotional pain, guilt, and anger - and yes, during those times I have thoughts of suicide. As a social worker myself, I realize that I should probably see a therapist - but I haven't been able to find one that truly understands how signficant and traumatic the loss of a fur baby can be. In the meantime, I am trying to help myself by using this forum and I plan to continue going to the pet grief support groups ( I already went once). I also bought a book that Marty recommended. I know that grieving is a process, but I also know that it requires therapeutic work, if you will, and I am trying to do that. I will continue to look for a therapist hoping that I can find one with whom I can feel comfortable. For now, whenever, I get those feelings and thoughts, which are so intense, uncomfortable, and scary, I run to the computer hoping to find comfort in the discussions. I really don't have anyone to talk to. I recently moved to Arizona and haven't really made friends as of yet. And my family doesn't really understand how I feel - my love, empathy, and compassion for animals has been a unique and innate quality that my relatives and my husband's relatives do not possess. Right now, I am struggling with whether to get another fur baby primarily because I see Daisy depressed. But there are times that I say, "how can I even think of that and betray my Pino," and other times I say, "well, maybe if I get a doggie that looks just like my Pino, I'll feel somewhat better." But I'm not sure if that is my way of not accepting that he is gone. I really don't know what to do. I know that I have seen dogs outside that look like Pino and I get this weird kind of feeling, like when you're in love - the rapid palpatations and butterflies in my stomach. I know it sounds stupid, but that's how I feel. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH and his absence is such a torture. Once again, I thank you (and everyone) for your support. It really is helping me make it through these unbearable times. P.S. Thank you, also, for the info on the pet food - we all have to be careful - it is so scary to think that we could feeding our babies something that could hurt them.

Cheryl, I tried to post a message earlier and I erased it by mistake. I will try again. I wanted to say that I understand the agonizing torture of guilt because I am experiencing it every day since my Pino died. You said that maybe you should have tried chemo for Max, but as I read more stories, I realize that it really doesn't matter what decision we made - either way we would ask, "what if I had done this or what if I done that?" I chose chemo for my baby after I was told that if I did nothing he only had two months to live. I agonized at the thought of putting him through chemo, but the hope of extending his life took over and I agreed to it. The reality is that it did not work and Pino suffered horribly through that experience. I cry everytime I remember how he trembled when he went to that hospital. If only I could go back, I would not make my baby endure such suffering. But, sometimes, I also wonder whether I would regret not doing the chemo, if I had chosen not to do it. I keep saying to myself that I would not choose euthanasia if I was faced with the option again. But if my baby had suffocated to death because of the tumors in his lungs, I would also hate myself for letting him suffer. Cheryl, the point is, that I think we would have regrets even if we would have made different choices. Perhaps, it's true what I have heard - that guilt is a form of self-punishment. We are trying to punish ourselves because we think we didn't do the right thing. It certainly is an agonizing torture for me, so much that last Friday I thought of killing myself to find some peace. I think that what Rita and Maylissa said is true - we need to learn to forgive ourselves and come to terms with the decision that we made - whether it was right or wrong. I don't think we will ever know that for sure. It was made in love at the moment and we can not go back. Will letting go of the guilt make the loss of our babies any easier? I don't think so - because for me, it is so extremely painful to not see my baby every morning by my bedside or when I come home from work. Pino was my partner for walks; for hiking; for taking long naps; He was my comfort during the many times I got sick (I have rheumatoid arthritis) and during the many times that I cried. I will always miss him as I'm sure that all of you - Cheryl, Rita, Maylissa, and Annie - will also miss your babies. But guilt leads to self-condenmation and that is potentially dangerous especially if anger arises and is directed inward. I know because like I said, I thought about suicide last week. So I need to focus on forgiving myself although it will be a very difficult process. Until yesterday, I was very angry at God for what happened to my Pino - I had prayed so much for my baby and I felt that my prayers were unanswered. But I need to turn back to God to help me learn to forgive myself, otherwise, I won't be able to do so. Cheryl, I hope that you also come to terms with your decision. There is still a lot of grieving to do and if the guilt can be dealt with, we can focus on the other emotions so that we can slowly heal. We will never let go of the love for our babies, but we can learn to live with the pain, I hope. I thank all of you for your emotional support - it is helping me to make it through the pain, one day at a time. The people around me don't really understand, but when I read these messages, I realize that like me, all of you loved your babies with all of your hearts and you miss them terribly as I miss my Pino. I just pray that we all find peace and comfort, someday, in the memories that we shared with them.

Rita, I am so sorry for your loss. I sincerely can feel your pain because I also lost my baby (my dog, Pino) on April 29, 07 and I find myself asking the same question. I really don't know how to say good bye or let go. I met my Pino over 12 years ago on the streets of a bad neighborhood in Brooklyn, New York. I worked as a case manager in a shelter for homeless families and one day I saw the most adorable thing - a small German Shepard-Sheltie mix doggie. He was walking as if he was about to faint and I remember calling out to him and he wagged his tail. In fact, I thought he was a girl and was pregnant because he had a big belly. I asked a security officer to hold him in one of the buildings' backyards until I could take him home after work. I knew that if I left him there, the teenagers on the block would hurt him badly. I took him to the vet after work and it turned out that, he was not a pregnant female, but had a distended belly from not eating for many days. He was very dehydrated and extremely weak. Within a few days that changed and that was the beginning of a wonderful relationship. He became my child. Initially, he lived at my mother's house with me because I had to move back home for a while. Then we moved out into an apartment and shortly after, we met Pino's daddy. It's funny, he never liked any of my boyfriends, but he took an instant liking to my husband. We took Pino everywhere we could because he loved to ride in the car - He was my child and relatives and friends knew that if we visited, it was with our baby. Pino went to live in New Jersey with us and finally came to Arizona in October 2006. He was 12, and except for arthritis, which we treated with adequan injections at one time, he seemed so healthy. We swore he would live until he was 15 or 16. Then one horrible day at the end of January, he collapsed. I remember that I was getting ready for work and he looked as if he was drunk. I immediately took him to the vet, who started doing tests. They thought he had had a seizure. They sent him home saying that most likely he would be okay. Well, he was not okay. For several days, he continued to look tired and did not eat much. On 2/4/07, I called the vet again and begged them to see him because despite the normal blood tests, he was slowly deteriorating. I took him in and they referred me to a specialist. We transported him there later that afternoon and by the time he got there, he was in respiratory distress. The specialist stated that he had fluid in the sac around his heart, which they needed to tap. It turned out that the fluid was blood and with that they gave a tentative diagnosis of hemangiosarcoma - an aggressive type of cancer - which was later confirmed by an ultrasound. He had a tumor on his heart, the size of a golf ball. The specialist talked to me about chemotherapy. If I did nothing, he would die within 2 months. If I tried chemo, he could live up to 8 months. Pino seemed okay after the draining of the fluid and he came home. I was so confused - I had always stated that I would never put him through chemo because of the horrible side effects. But in my hope to have him longer, I agreed to do it, nonetheless. I prayed to God every day that he would last the 6 treatments that he needed and that I could have him until Christmas. The first, second, third treatments went okay - he lost some of his appetite and got diahrrea, but we gave him medications and I cooked chicken, rice, or gave him anything that he wanted to eat. I was so hopeful. I even predicted that he would live past the 8 months. Then after the fourth treatment, he appeared very tired. I took him in for a CBC 10 days after the treatment like we usually did and something went wrong. The tech who took the blood out from his jugular vein must have done something wrong because two days later he could not move his neck and he was in excruciating pain. On 4/22/007, we took him into the hospital again, this time for his neck pain - by now he was not eating and was getting progressively weak. He was kept in the hospital until 4/25/07 - I remember I went on the 23rd and the 24th to visit him after work. My poor baby was so tired of that place. He hated it! He barked for hours after I left on the 24th. How I regret leaving him there and putting him through the chemo! On the 25th he came home - and that night as I was carrying him upstairs to my bedroom where he slept, he yelped in pain. His neck was still hurting him. I called the hospital and they prescribed a muscle relaxer, which my husband picked up immediately. My poor baby was so weak. I cried so much by his side, but gave him permission to go, if he wanted. He loved it when I sang to him and I did that quite often especially when his breathing became distressed and shallow. It seemed to calm him down. By this time, I prayed to God to let him die at home, without any pain. I went from asking for three years, to several months, to accepting that he had to go - but only that I did not have to euthanize him because I have never believed that I had a right to take anyone's life away. My Pino was such a good boy, always so "clean" - he never went in the house. He always held his urine in - so we made sure to take him outside frequently, so that he could keep his dignity. By now, we were carrying him downstairs to the backyard and bringing him back upstairs where he wanted to be. We were syringe feeding him those last couple of days - nothing seemed to appetize him - not enough ground beef, which was his favorite. All he did was drink excessive amounts of water. April 29th around 12:30 AM we took him out to urinate. At 4:30 AM - we heard him going around in circles and my husband and I got up and laid on the carpet with him until 6:30 AM. I sang to him as I weeped and he calmed down. I prayed to God that he would just fall asleep, because his breathing was so shallow and his gums were very pale. At 7:30 AM I took him outside to urinate because he had drank so much water, but when I stood him outside, his body went limp and he collapsed. Hysterically, I carried him inside and put on a blanket on the first floor. My husband and I stayed with him again until 10:30 AM waiting to see if he would go to sleep on his own. I had promised him not to take him back to that hospital. Unfortunately, I broke that promise. I could not bear seeing him like that anymore - I feared he would suffocate to death because the cancer had spread to his lungs. He also was holding his urine in and I did not want him to lose his dignity by urinating on himself. I know it sounds crazy, but I worried about that. We took him in again. The doctor said that we could try draining the blood again, but he may not be able to get up again or if he did, he would probably collapse again in a couple of days. He strongly suggested euthanasia, so did the chemo nurse, and my husband. That word pierced my heart like a knife. I could not do it - I cried there for an hour and all that time Pino looked at me and seemed to be asking that I take him home. Until the very end, he wanted to be by my side. In his weak state, he wagged his little tail when I sang to him. He was such a momma's boy! Like your baby, Rita, my Pino always went crazy looking for me thoughout the house and got angry at me for hiding. I betrayed my Pino - I gave consent for him to be euthanized. I am still in shock that I did that - the guilt is killing me and I can't stop crying. I keep thinking about what if I had asked to have the blood drained again. what if everyone was wrong and Pino would have gotten up again? Will my Pino ever forgive me? Where is he now? Is he happy? Will I ever see him again. If only I had the hope of seeing him again. If only I could hold him one more time. My baby wasn't ready to go - I don't know why, but knowing that is killing me. A part of me died that day and each day that I live without him is an agonizing torture. 38 days he has been gone and 38 days that I have cried. My husband says that I cry in my sleep. So Rita, I also need to know how to say goodbye and let go. I just don't know how.