Hi everyone, I have been reading everyone's stories and I haven't stopped crying. It has been 3 weeks and 3 days since my husband Ariel committed suicide (though we are still waiting on the investigation to prove it was an accident). He was only 38 years old and we were together for 14 years. We have two boys, one who just had his 6th birthday on Tuesday and the other is 15. I feel worse about things because we had been fighting lately and were talking about divorce on and off. He had suffered from a chemical imbalance, possible manic depressive for over 20 years and was always in pain, mental and physical. But he was such a wonderful, loving, honest person. He lived for me and the boys. The first two weeks I think I must have been numb because I seemed to be handling things well. I went back to work after 4 days and just kept busy. But for some reason, this week has been really hard. I find myself crying on and off all day. I haven't been able to sleep like before, I used to fall asleep at 10pm everyday, now I stay up late and am tired the next day. I know I need to go to counseling, but I keep putting it off and the boys really need to see someone. I guess I am afraid to confront all of these emotions in front of others. Everyone I know tells me I'm strong and that I am handling things so well, but inside I feel just the opposite. I think the way he died makes it worse. I have to wait at least another 2-3 months for a Tox screen to come back so they can amend the results and change his death certificate and the way that I feel and his family. All of the family except for his mother and our youngest know about the true cause of death. I know that if he was still here we would have been able to work our problems out, I know that his depression caused most of the friction and I think that is one of the hardest things to deal with. He was such a wonderful person when he wasn't in one of his "down" times. There are also parts of me that feel relieved that he is not here because of all the bad things, but then I think of all the good things and I miss him terribly. I always thought we would grow old together. I am so glad I found this forum, it really helps to hear other stories and know that I am not alone.
