JoyceV

As I read your posts, I am awed by how articulate you all are in sharing your experience of grief, your continued bond with your loved ones and your hope for the future. As a Bereavement Counselor with Hospice of the Valley, I am privileged to hear the love stories of many couples from all walks of life - it is an honor to be here with you on this site. I love Michael Leunig's poems, thank you for being there for each other. Peace as you all continue on your journey towards healing. Joyce

Chris, As I read your initial post, sharing Paula's courageous journey, and yours, I wept; there simply are no words to describe the anguish. The term abler soul came to mind. Abler soul was coined by Ladislaus Boros in his essay Love. It describes the love that is born when two become one; they really become one being, which is why people often describe their grief metaphorically as a gaping wound, or losing a limb; in essence, they have. Chris, I am so glad you found our discussion forum. You already know it is a safe place, a caccoon, where you may share your your grief journey. I encourage you to contiue to reach out for support, for comfort, and for suggestions on how to navigate this rollar coaster journey called grief. Joyce

Good Morning Chris, As I read your initial post, I wept; when you consider the depth of your loss, there really are no words. The relationship you had/have with your beloved Paula is often referred to as an 'abler soul.' It is that realm of love that is born when two souls truly touch and become one, one in love, one in commitment, one in all the trials and joys of living a life together. I understand your anguish is great and I am humbled as I read of your life with Paula, her courageous struggle, and your commitment as her caregiver. This is a safe place for you to rest a while and let others support you as you journey through the ups and down of the grieving process. Don't hesitate to reach out for comfort and suggestions on how to cope with the rollar coaster ride you are on. Joyce

As a Bereavement Counselor, I have not had one client (myself included) who has not expressed feelings of guilt. What is helpful, is to look at what guilt actually is and what it isn't. Guilt is the feeling we experience when we have done something, said something, or not done something or said something to or for our loved one while he/she was still alive that haunts us. It is a powerful emotion that can hold us captive, isolate us, and change our perception of who we are. Regret, on the other hand, is what we feel when things did not happen to way we wish they had. More often, what grieving evokes in us is more regret than guilt. It reminds us that we are human and there are some things we simply could not control, i.e., the death of someone we deeply love. I am encouraged to see how you all have responded to Chai and each other. Sharing these feelings is certainly the first step. There are various exercises that can help us get past these feelings, one is writing a letter to your loved one, expressing these feelings of guilt or regret. But, I think the most important step is to remember all the things you did right and all the ways, over the years, you expressed your love. These are the memories that are to be cherished. Sharing your support with each other on this site is certainly another. Thank you all for your insights and compassion for one another. Joyce

Hi Kim, Do you remember me? I am the Breavement Counselor you spoke with and met at Light Up A Life. I am so saddened to hear of yet another challenge you are facing. I want very much to speak with you. Please call me at my office, 602-636-2257 or my cell phone 602-750-9970. Joyce Vidal, Bereavement Counselor/Resource Coordinator Hospice of the Valley