Tracey B

ha Shell I already have a dog a boxer he was mine than when mom was sick he was her gaurd dog no one could get near her he would sit on her,he was no mean he would lick and loved all people.He would just put himself between mom and even me.So now he do not leave.I did also own a pet store which i gave up 2 weeks ago,haveing melt down and could not handle it all. so don't know what to do feel like cramp.

Shell I don't know how much longer I hang hang on for. Like the saying tie a knot well the knot is coming lose and I can't take much more MY mom's birthday was on Dec 14 I want to go to the grave but could not how bad is that. I let her down again should have gone.Don't know what to do feel like crawling in a hole. maybe i should just end it all.

I lost my mom this June.their is no xmas this year, no tree no lights. my mom loved the lights.She was xmas and keep the family together. I can't even think about it without tears, why did she have to go??? people say it will get better but it has not. I feel so lost and alone. i find it had to get out of bed. I just don't know how get throw it all. Tracey

hi I not at work any more cold not take it anymore the season the people so i hide out in my room and in bed that is my life. I just hurt to much thinking of how it was. Tracey

Hi Dawn It's ok to babble cuz I think I do to.My brother does not come around any more or even call, I alway have to call him. What really hurt the most is that when mom died and we had the wake he did not even ask me if i wanted to go with him,same for the service. I had to drive myself.When I say the limos. I could not go in had to go around the block to get the nerve and strenth to go in.Thank God for my cousion for she help me. I wanted to cancell the whole thing,Did not want to walk throw thoes doors.She told me I could do it. Dont think I could have done it with out her being their.She even know I would be their early so she was there when i drove in. My brother I thought was going to be late, but got there in time, with his so call girl freind.I cant stand her and after what she said at the hall after sevcie I am sure I cant stand her.She had the nerve to say to me "you should have brought the dog he would add some life to this".If not for other people being around she would have gotten it big time.She asked me at wake how was the dog doing.That was the only things she said to me.see I babble on to. My cousion loss her mom to cancer to so she know what I was going throw. My mom bet cancer and died of lack of care in hosptial. Both mom and my anunt had mouth cancer. To think of what she made it though her 10hour operation and she even had pacemaker last year, do died in hosptail was so wrong. Life should I have do overs. If I could turn the clock back. I miss her so, no one to ask or tell about day.I still hear things and thing wait did I tell mom, but she is not around to tell, or share what I hear.Some one to day told me to say HI to mom for them, they did not know. It's all to hard. Tracey

Hi Dawn The one thing I know is that animals will alway be there for you. They do know when you hurt or are sick.I do own a pet food store and have animals all my life, the one that has alway been the same animal care when even so call freinds are no where to be found. I to have not heard from freinds since moms furnnell.I even have people ask me how the my dog is doing before they ask about me, Some kind of freinds. So I know what you are going though. I have ad rep. when she heard what happen she said "I have no idea what you are going though, but any time you what even to go for coffee call me" I have only knowen her since Feb. of this year. She was more caring than so called freinds, and honest.None of this call me if you need anything which ever one said and don't really mean it, for if they did they would be calling and not waiting . So guess where is same boat. Still looking for life jacket. Tracey

Hi Dawn I know what yoy mean I to lost my mom June 13 of this year. She lived with me and now i come to a empty house so quiet.Sure i have my dog, my best friend now, but no one to ask how was their day. She to was my rock and the glue what keep the family together. No one to care what's going in my life. Like you I wish this was a dream and I could wake up and she would be here.Dont know how I am going to get throw it all. It does help to come here and vent but still alone and it hurt like H... Tracey

Well just when i thought things could not get worst,I had a staff member quiet today, she was to work today but she came in and quit. So i was stuck working all d... day. Now i have to figue out how I am going to staff store.Just about went nuts today. By 3pm I wanted out, but had no one to work. Left home at 8:30 and got home 7:30. So tired and feel like cramp.I just cant habdle much more. Still have in cancell GST and when i think just about done somthing else has to get looked after.Had enought of the legal stuff.It has been down hill and it is only Tesday feels like it should be friday. Tracey

Thanks shell My Dad died in June of 99.The two death are so what the same mom and dad went in hospial on June 1 and mom died on the 13 and dad was the 16.Two weeks of up and down for dad was called twice to hospial for dad the third time i was to late,he died between 5 and 6am andmom i was there for her that was at 5:25am.I rember both the day sunny warm and both was a wensday morning and both buried day before father day. Would like to skip June and now Dec. as well. Want to put thing back together but but know how. Just want the pain to stop. When for dont know how long i can take it all. Tracey

Thanks rosanne Very sorry for your lost. I can only image what you are feeling, I know the pain. I have never felt the way I do now I looked and around the flower beds mom loved so much and the weeds have taken over,i feel bad for letting that happen but could not look at the flower that she would not see.I had got all the weeds out last year and we went and got flowers for them. She loved the way the beds turn out and I got the solar lights for them last year to. The flowers where just starting to come good but then she ended up in hosptail in fact she was plant some flowers the day before she went to hospital,and now their a mess. I will prob. at store for most hoildays that way maybe i can forget what day it is.I to dont want xmas the real hard part will be the store for being in retail i have to have xmas stuff,and decorate the store think staff will be doing that, but dont know how to or how i can handle that little saying "have a merry" you know that i mean than "how was their xmas" Their is no xmas for me no tree no light just another day than new years day we would all ways go out for chiness, that to is gone. So many thing have changed. was not ready for this, she was to do around for many more years. The store first year will be Jan 13. The 13 a number I hate. Today he 13 my well when dry so had to get that fixed. Need runung water.Soon I wont be getting out of bed on the 13th no matter what day it falls on.Still dealing with the legal stuff lawyers, banks,, wills the cramp you have to sign and cancell will it ever end.So tried of going and saying mom has past away, for it bring all the pain back and it hurts to much. Tracey

Thanks Shell I had to go into my moms room to find will and paper. I found stuff she saved like card and some family stuff, I look at them and made sure i but them back the way I found them.It felt like I was invading she stuff dumb I know. Even belive it or not my dog which was moms body gaurd and would sleep with her wont go into her room, dont know why for if any one went in he was there.He use to look for her to come home but the day she passed he seem to know for he stop looking for her.When I would come home for hospial he would go to the door to see if she was with me,but not that day.He now sleeps with me and is my body gaurd. I ran into a freind of the family they ask how things are going,funny but they ask about the dog first had to get out quick just about lose it,did when i got out of store. It will be 2 month tommrow and I dont even want to get of bed what a way to start a week I alway hated the 13th and now i hate more. I just don't know what I am ggoing to do.the house is so emptyand queit.How i wish i could turn back the clock. My brother does not even call or come around. I was left to do a the paper work and get things in order. I thought he would be around but not. Guess mom was the glue for us now this is no glue.Sorry to ramble on.Thanks for the help. Tracey

Hi Marty I as not sure about dream for the last 5 night the dreams I had where from the past when my dad died, anut, mom in hospial and furenells, i had got sleeping pill and thought maybe they cause them, so did not take last night and up till 3:30 an other 3 hour night i just can win.Are the dreams to help,for they just make me feel more guilty about their death.Just waiting for grandmothers turn to hunt me. Hope you can help Tracey

Hi Shell I wish I could take time off but I do all the ordering and my staff would not know where or what to order, plus I did take last Wensday off and that did not help the house has so many memories and it just about kills me. I still cant turn the T.V. on in living room or even be in that room.I just live in my room. I have not even been shopping only for food which still is ceral and salads. so thats in and out.have not BBQ or that stove on still June when it all started. Have been taking the sleeping pill but since i started still dreaming and either I am going to a hosptial at a furnell I now now how scrooge felt with the 3 ghost so thing Iam going to try it out with the sleeping pills, and see what happens. Just want to turn my mind off and feeling to. I soon have to find a way throw out all of my moms pills for they are in the same place before she left. The clock by her chair even stop at 5:25am the time she died,ever thing is the way it was. It turn me apart so aviod that room. My life is now a living nightmare. Tracey

Thanks Julienne My so called freind about 4years ago her daughter rape and murder. I was there for ever court date from start to finish.I even sat though pic.s of the body from medical examer,I hardly knew who it was so black and blue. She use to call me her second mom.She was a good kid who love life.So I thought of all peolpe she would be around for me but just say her at furneal and when she son came to buy my moms car, that really hurt. I hear the T.V. but half the time don't know what i watched.Plus most of the show end in death so Iam right back where i was feelling like cramp. Still dont know where I belong,at home i just cant seem to do anything and work I feel like I am doing time. With fall come reps are taking about xmas which i dont want to come and dont know how Iam going to get though that season. Just dont know how much more i can take. I just want things back to the way it was for it to hard to go on. Tracey

All my life I could handle things, could think out any prob. and was there to help anyone who needed it. Now since my mom death my mind is gone.Can;t rember things, I wonder why I even bother getting out of bed, and the worst is I own my own bussiness which i just started this year, since my mom was able to look after her self and she even bake for my grand opening.Now she is gone and I just cant handle things. If I her one more time "It will get better" or "it takes time" I am going to lose it. I cant even work more than 4 hour, than i have to get out. I use to work 9 hour easy and than paper woke not now.I gave in and got sleeping pills hope that will turn my mind off just goes over and over the last 10 day she had and what i could have done so she would not have died.I just feel like Iam going to soon my lid and let peolpe have it. The anger in building i dont know what to do any more. I only lose it once and that was many years ago in high school so i dont even rember what happened. If I could only turn the clock back, my mom would still be here i would have taken her out of hospial.Why did,nt i do it, i let her down. How do i go on. Tracey

HI Sleep is something I wish I could do.Up till 3 or 4 in mourning,than up bye 7am. Still can only work 3hour and now being in retail reps. are talking about the xamas season and dont even what to think about that, for mom is what made xmas, so it will not be this year.I find it hard to rember anything. I got my lawn cut and that took 3 day to get to. The plants need water but that did not happen. I see the flower mom got last year and she did not see them flower this year, it kills me to think that she did not get to see them for she loved the flowers and this year she was able to plant some. It just hurts so much I want to turn the clock back. My dad died 8 years now and he to died in June.Both furnells were on the day before fathers day. I just dont know why i did not get mom out of the hospial befor it was to late.I let her down when she needed me the most. Now I have to live with that. The night are long and getting longer.Hoildays are just aother day now. Wish i could just turn my mind off or what is left of it. I cant be around groups of people I start to shack and find like their is not enought air if that make sense. When people come my store I just want them to get what they want and ge out.I was never like that. How do i go on.. Tracey

I know what you are feeling I am in that hole to. The night seem to make it even harder. I am getting 2 to 3 hours sleep and iam so drained that I can't remeber anything.The days are all the same. People say it will get better but I would like to know when, for I have had it. I just want things the way they where. I live my mom last day over and over thinkg i could and should have done something and now it's to last and i let her down and she is gone. Tracey

Thanks to all. The only thinl i can handle is to stay in bed, which i did today. Let the dog got coffee than bed the story of my life.I was never good at asking for help,even letting people know what i feel in hard, i just feel so lost and alone. Still cant eat hotdog was today food. Going back to work again tommrow made sure i only work till noon.so much i should have done but did nothing. Don't know how long i can take it all. Iam near the end now

I own a pet store so tryed to work today. lasted 4hours and that was to long.tryed to do order but just saw a blank paper.could not think and when people came in could not talk to them words would not come out.walked about lost and that is not me, even had puppies come in and all ways have treats for them but not today. would go to the back of store and forget why.My mind is gone, Saw some catnip toys that my mom made for me to sell, well the tears came again. Paper work is adding up saw my desk and so much to do. All i cn do is cry and veg out.I still have to pay the final bill for funeral and flower and to moms paper work. Just want to turn the clock back,wake up and find out it was a nightmare. How can i get things done.How can i work just so lost

I mom as been gone just over a week now. The house is still the same I can't even watch TV down stairs where her chair is, I go and hide in my bedroom.Dont know how i can hrow out any of my mom stuff. She loved to knit, bags of wool,she would do craft sales so their are mitts hats, and more.she would do blanets to.I have not even eaten at the table since her died, for i have not really eaten salads, apples coffee,hotdog bread that is all and dont want to shop for i cook for 2 and now i dont. try to work what did not go well. 4hour in total this week.and i own it.I sleep in the day and cry at night.even going to town i cry.The flowers she planted she won't be able to see.People told me they would help remove she stuff but i cant it is her and i cant even go into her room.I have to go and pay the finally bill for furnell and flower i tryed but did not want to work in those doors again.she was even waiting for strawberrys and i pass that when i go to town.their is so many things i see that makes me cry for i think of her I feel so alone and lost I just want it all to be a dream. Now the weekend there again and its ride for sight which i took her to. How can i go on can any one help??? Tracey

Hi Angele I know what you are going throw,for i just lost my mom she was to be fine just about got home,than I got the phone call she was not good from 1am to 5:30 i watch her try to breath Iam not sure if she know i was there or not hope she did.She to had the big C but it was in her month she made it throw a 10hour operation and i take care of her for 2 years this year i started my own business and she got to see it and baked for my grand opening.Now she is gone and I feel very lost can't seem to work or think. I looked over a few note my staff left and it made no sense to me.Try to do next week hour i could not. Be thankful for the time you had and knowing she wwished you the best.I also lost my dad 8 years ago at this same time, having my mother around gave me the enregy to go on.Your kids will help you make it.I do belive there is a better place and she will be there.But their will be pain for you that i do know that and tears will flow hope this helped Iam still trying to deal with it all thinking i could have done something,but will never no.My mom had DNR so she called the shots till the end.Good luck

Hi New to this I have just lose my mother and need any help to just go on.It has been a week still can't be a round people and i just started a new business so have not been to work only 2 hour today and that was to long.Just dont know how to go on. can anyone help Tracey