Geri

Hi Shell I would give anything to keep the momma and kittens but I am obligated to the humane society and my friend that volinteers there to to surrender them so they can get the money for their adoption and make sure they are all fixed. I can't afford to get them all fixed and it has to be done or I will have kitties coming out of my ears. Everyday I put it off one more day its going to kill me to do this but I don't know what else to do. I am going to miss them so bad I cry just thinking about it. Besides all of this to deal with one of my very close friends was murdered the other night. He was shot down by some wacko he didn't have a chance to do anything but die. The more time that goes by the less I understand. It was such a senseless act. He was at my house the night before it happened. He and my what ever he is had had a faling out and he came to make amends. How weird is that, he and his girlfriend and us we had a very nice evening and then the next night gone, 3 blocks away from my house. I am more numb than I have ever been and I didn't thimk that was possible. It just keeps hitting me he's GONE. Iv'e experienced alot of death of friends and family in the last 2 years, but all have been from natural causes this is a whole new ballgame. Its different when you see someone just fine and doing what they do and then their GONE. Its like stepping off a cliff. I just want to scresm or something I don't know. I just don't know !!

Well here I am again (Geri) I have been wrestling with this delima all the while and never said anything because again I'm feeling kinda nuts. My friend who passed Brenda had a cat that was pregnant during the time of my caring for her. well when it came time for kitty to have her kittens she was having a very hard time. She is a small cat and was huge, so I called the humane society and they came and got her and helped her have her kittens.(5) usually when they come and get your animal like that you have to surrender that animal to them to fix and put up for adoption. Well I know a wonderful lady at the humane society and they let me foster the mom and kittens because of Brenda. Well they were a great distraction for Brenda and me since I am a cat person and have some of my own. Now I have this thing in my head that if I take these kittens back now they will be so betrayed and I won't have this distraction anymore or a purpose (caring for them) and I'm going to just fall apart even though I still have my owwn kitties I feel like I am detaching from Brenda. Is this wacked or what?? I love these kittens so muched they are so special in the way that its like they knew what brenda and I needed. I feel like I'm abandoning them. I can't imagine them there in cages wondering what happen to their home the only thing they know and I know they will miss me. We are all very close. This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Yes Wacked!!!

Roseanne I know just how you feel, when I was caring for my friend Brenda that the hospice nurse took one look at me and sent me home in a cab. She made arrangements for someone else to come in for a couple of days. You just get to the point where you can't keep it together and by all rights. Caring for someone is very difficult and when you love them its even harder. You are not alone we all have our limits. The trick is to recognize when its getting to be to much. I hope you and your father are doing better. Take good care Geri

Hi I try so hard to put into place or follow the great advise that I have been given here and I am very thankful for everyone who has responded to my posts. I just feel so alone and incapible of taking my life back from my situation and my sorrow for the death of my friend and my utter disbelief that anyone would have to go through something so horrible to die. I cannot in my wildest nightmares imagine what Brenda went through in her head as she felt her life slipping away accompanied by pain that there is no words for. I don't know how she just didn't go bonkers being so helpless and having absolutly no choice but to die. You would think that since I do have a choice that I would take advantage of that amazing luxury and have some mental fortitude to somehow get away from my present mess, but I am just so BLAHHHHHHHHHH. I want so much to be happy and move on from this part of my life. I know I'm probably repeating all the same stuff again and again but I am so appalled that I am where I am in my life and head I guess I don;t see a light at the end of this tunnel.

I HOPE YOU KNOW I think I've been holding it all inside Deep down hoping your not really gone I know that doesn't make much sense but I'm not ready for all to be said and done There are so many questions No answers Are you all right now?are you at all? Did I help you when you were here Was it any easier to answer your call Left here to wonder why or if I have Any right to be as lost as I am When you are the one who suffered so And had to leave when the time came I can only hope I did right by you Gave you some comfort and love When you needed it and I hope you know I love and miss you if your watching from above By Geri

Shell Your advice is far from feeble. Sometimes I get so stuck in the mire I don't know where to begin. You have given me some good reference points to concentrate on and I Thank You very much. Take good care Geri

Thank You for letting me lnow I'm not nuts. I finally got my computer up and back online. Can anyone give any input on dealing with multipul problems all at once. I don't mean to be a whiner but I am in a very bad domestic situation and trying to deal with it and brenda and just life as it comes is just too overwhelming. I'm trying to figure out how to get out of my situation and I just don't have the where with all to do so. I know this is off the main subject and I hope I'm not out of line I just need some input. I am just so lost every day without a purpose. Thanks Geri

Hi Everyone I don't know if anyone still checks here but I have had some computer problems thats why I have not responded to all of your very nice and helpful replies. I just got to resd them. Last night Brendas husband brought over a few boxes of her things for he and I to go through. He is clesring out his storage. When he got here I thought Oh Boy Here we go I'm going to fall all apart again. But I didn't cry once ??? Now I think thats just weird. I felt like I should be a mess but, I was just numb or something ??? Now I think I'm really wacked. I sure hope someone reads this I really need some insight on this. Thanks Geri

Brenda was one of those people who gave love and humor and anything she had to give to anyone who needed it. She could always make you laugh whether you wanted to or not she knew you needed to. She was ready to face every day, She worked hard and said nothing of it. She was there if you needed her and she faced every day of her dying braver than I could ever imagine someone could. Her death was a long,horrible and pain that there are no words for. This is what I don't understand, maybe there is no understanding. People say acceptance is the first step to getting on with the grieving process or life. Maybe its just me but I'm having a hard time with that. Believe me I want to get through this and stop whining, I'm just so confused.

Thank You Marty Ther are so many things that there are no words for. Its very scary to think that when you die it doesn;t take most people in your life very long to forget you it seems. I think how can it be so easy just forget such a beatiful soul such as Brenda. I guess since I was so close of course its different for me. Just being able to tell someone these thoughts helps. It brings alot of things to the surface though I'm going to short out my keyboard, all I can do is cry while try to unload all of this. Thank You

Thanks for your responses. I guess I know I'll sort this all out at some point and I know I will always be saddened by the loss of my loved ones and friends. Before Brenda I was no stranger to death but I had never seen anyone die of cancer. Now my burnig ? is,that there is no answer for is WHY SHOULD ANYONE HAVE TO SUFFER SO HORRIBLY?? WHY? AND I FEEL SO SELFISH AND GUILTY ABOUT BEING SUCH A MESS OVER THIS WHEN SHE WAS THE ONE WHO WENT THROUGH IT AND DIED.

Hi I'll just dive right in. My name is Geri. I don;t often have someone to talk to about things so I will try not to ramble. I am the listener for my circle. People don't realize that I to need someone to talk too. I have experienced alot of death in the recent past, Most recently my friend Brenda, I was her care giver also. I don't recommend caring for a dying friend, although if I had to go back I'd do it again for her. Since she has passed I am lost, I can't seem to do anything I'm supposed to do. Really importent things. It seems like I just have to bury everything cause if it gets to close to the top I'mm going to lose it. I have lost some very good friends and family in the past three years and it seems like Brenda was the last straw I don't know who I've grieved for or not or where to begin or what to do? Does any of this make any sense to anyone? I hope I'm not sounding to whacked. Thanks for reading this Geri