Gods Princess

Hi All. I have been so busy lately but I have far from forgotten you all. The time I spent in here not only touched me tremendously but it motivated me to do something about it. Knowing how hard it to get back a life, or even wanting a life after you loose someone so close kept me wondering how to share hope with others in a productive way. Even though I was a fairly positive person before my husband died I certainly struggled for years after. In my quest to improve the life of others I decided to set up something that I am sure will be a good resource for anyone who needs something to shift the focus off struggle if only for a break! and regain some happiness. I started a blog called The Positive Spirit but then decided to set up a forum where people can share strategies and stories of hope and appreciation. I am very excited about doing this and I really pray this project helps many people claim back some happiness and balance in their lives. A forum like this one is helpful as there is something very special about other people relating to how you feel and understanding where we are coming from. What I have done is something different but the two combined would surely help the healing process. Here is the link to The Positive Spirit Blog . The Positive Spirit Club This kind of thing has worked well for me especially in the tough times and I hope it helps you too. Hugs and God Bless

Dear Sad. I am in my 5th year and doing well. I can only share with you what has been my experience and what made the difference to me. I can honestly say that I know exactly what you mean about that hollow feeling that just won't shift no matter what you do. ii was like this only 12 months ago and thought this 'Flamin' grief will never let go. I beacme a Christian in September 2006 hoping God would help me, and in November had a very real experience with God. I was more than stunned by this. Not having a relationship with God before gave me clarity to the difference it can make once you find Him. I can honestly say that turning to a Christian faith has healed that 'hollow spot' in me and i cant tell you how grateful I am. I guess it has made me a bit of a Jesus Freak but i am so grateful for the help from above I just can't help it. I guess my heart want to say to you , dont turn away from the the most powerful source that can tuely make the biggest difference. I have seen so many peoples lives tranformed through leaning hard into God. I hope people in here understand that I only offer my story because it is the most important experience that has made the difference between being captured by sorrow and being freed from it. I certainly gave me a second chance at life. I will pray for you

KayC's description was so accurate. It is like bursts of erupting pain. I once had the perception of pain as like a funnel and the pain starts off big and slowly recedes as it heals. This is before I experienced a pain that was too big to handle in one hit. I think the pain is broken up into bursts so we can process it. I experienced posttraumatic shock after the death of my husband and that was weird. I was so out of myself that when I showered I felt like I was touching another person. When the pain came in it was like a bomb. I would struggle to breath with the intensity and then I would climb on top. Just when I thought I was getting a bit better BOOM another wave would hit me. I felt I was back at the beginning of my grief every time this happened. At first the gaps are so close together you can’t see a progress and you feel like it is never going to end. I tried to focus on the increasing gap between major down times and looked to that for hope. Even though you feel like the grief is never going to end, what you are feeling will get a great deal better and better. From the depths of my heart I want you all to know this. I assure you that in time it changes so much that you will be able to live happily again. You are not back to square on when this happens, you are moving through a process. Your body and heart can only deal with so much pain at one time. Think of it like a filter and slowly the burst go through your system until you can finally adjust and cope with the reality and the loss. I hope I have explained myself ok. I have hung around in here this week because I identify with all of you so well, particularly the members fighting to exist. Every part of me wants to reassure you that it does get better. I realize the hard part is the hours of thinking time. I would encourage you to not only pray but also find activities (anything you can think of) that break up the hours. Now is a great time to Asses who YOU are and what interests YOU. As a part of a couple we put many things on hold or aside so when something like this happens it can be a good time to pull out those things to fill up our time. It is not selfish, its survival. I know you wont feel like it at first but please try. It is still healthy to grieve but who wants that 24/7 When we loose ourselves we need to find ourselves again. Be kind to YOU and God Bless YOU heaps!

Hi Kayc I am not really sure who wrote it but yes it sounds like something she could have written. i have never seen the credits attached to the poem.

Good on you Lori

I do hear what you are saying dear friend. I experienced the same with my husband. I found it terribly difficult to pack his things away, especially his most treasured things. It drained my energy like nothing else. I faught like anything not to end my life in the early days but i had two teenagers who didnt need anymore pain. I was disgruntled at having to stay but I am so much happier now and wish i could transfer that hope onto all of you. Cry your heart out as it is part of the course and a healthy thing to do. Hugs

I don't know if you guys have seen this before but I have always liked it. Don't Quit When things go wrong, as they sometimes will, When the road you're trudging seems uphill, When the funds are low and the debts are high, and you want to smile, but you have to sigh, When care is pressing you down a bit, Rest, if you must . . . but don't you quit. Success is failure turned inside out, The silver tint of the clouds of doubt. And you never can tell how close you are, it may be near when it seems afar. So, stick to the fight when you're hardest hit . . . It's when things go wrong that you mustn't quit. Actually there is alot of nice reading on this site. Good for filling quiet hours. http://www.positivethoughts.com/inspirational.htm

Dear Lyn. It is not our time but I am confident that you are right about heaven. No tears, no pain and beuty beyond our comprehension. Take solice in knowing the one you love is now happy and i am sure he would want you to live a full life and be happy too. Hugs

Teny You are doing all the right things. Friends may not understand the extent of your grief but in here everyone can relate to you in some way. Noone can know the reality of what you are going through but we in here know our own. So cyber hugs to you and keep on serching for resources. You will get through this

Dear Deborah Hang in there sweety. Do what ever you can to destract yourself when you get this upset. Get a friend to come and stay if you can. I know it is hard to find God at these times but I am sure he is there crying with you. I will pray for you. Hugs

I went straight to your post as I can't tell you enough how I relate to your post. I have been there and please believe me that in time you will be thankful you stuck it out. At the time i never would have believed it but it is true. It is so raw for you right now but our kids need us more than ever when this happens. God will bless you for holding on and i promise you, the pain will ease. You will see the day when you can smile and laugh and live with more than hope. My prayers are with you at this time. Keep writing those beautiful words and treasuer your kids and grandkiddies as they need you.

Kay A break together sounds like a great way to let your partner feel like he is the only one and is adequate for you. It is hard to compete with a lost loved one and a man needs to feel like he is your hero and all you need. Just as us girls need to feel like his princess. Use this time to shine in his arms and rest from sorrow. Have a great break.

Annie I cant even begin to imagine what you are going through. I am in no position to advise you. All I can offer is prayer.

Kayc I would like to share this with you and maybe it may help. It has been my experience that everyone deals with the death of someone close very different and I think none of us know how to deal with it well. How can we? It hurts like hell and we just want that pain to go away. I stopped visiting my husbands grave early in the peace and some took this as 'forgetting' or not caring. My reasons where acyually the opposite. I found that every time i went there, especially aniversaries, it brought the loss back fresh and painfully. I used to sit or stand there thinking how wrong and injust the whole deal was and regret would sweep over me and debilitate me for months. I am a mum and i need to function for my family. It would not be fair on them if reliving my husbands death pulled me to floor again and agian. So I stopped. I think people associate annivarsaries with celebration and some people dont want to be reminded of the very day their world was pulled apart. I necer forget these dates but i dont give into them too much now as it does keep it fresher. Instead I celebrate my kids dad by reminding them now and then what a great man he was. We smile and remember him fondly. yes sure I come down at times, missing him but I try to celebrate him more. My mother in law insisted oon the recording of the funeral and I was happy to hand it over as the last thing I wanted to do was relive that terrible day. But I have to understand that is her way of dealing with it and I have mine. I hope this helps.

Lyn. That is a lovely prayer, thank you for sharing it with us all.I am sure it will be a comfort to many who read it in the furure also. William. I know in my heart that God is for us all and not against us. It is the enemy that comes to kill and destroy. God would be grieving along with you and wanting nothing less than to ease your pain and bless you with abundance. Please try not to live the regret too much as it does nothing for our loved ones and is destuctive to us. I know it is terribly hard. I often think if my husband was here I would treat him so much better than I did and show him every day I loved him, but I aslo know that only makes me feel terrible and doesnt help him. I am sure your lovely lady would want you to move past regret as quickly as you can. It is fair to feel cheated but I pray you get full healing and peace through all this. My heart is with every one of you.

Kayc Like others have said, none of us are exactly in your shoes but all can relate to how you must be feeling right now. I hear you are overwhelmed at this moment and rightly so. You have so much troubleshooting on your plate that there seems no time or headspace for your needs. I have a saying I love and it is “yard by yard its hard but bit by bit it’s a cinch” I guess nothing is a cinch but addressing all your dilemmas at once is too much of a challenge. I would suggest you be kinder to yourself and take one hour, one day at a time and try to think of creative ways to get through each situation. Don’t try to be too independent right now and ask for a helping hand. As for church, maybe you could try a couple, as they are not all the same. Ask God to lead you to one you will feel welcomed and at home as you really would benefit from a fellowship right now. My Church family has been my biggest blessing. As I said please be kinder to yourself and don’t tell yourself you are unworthy of love. You are already suffering without extra condemnation. You are not bad, your are broken and deserve compassion, not condemnation. We are all worthy of love and kindness. Jesus didn’t go around concerning himself with the righteous; he showed his grace and love to the broken and the needy. I don’t believe moving in with your partner right now will make anything better as another partner cannot mend what takes time, however I would try to communicate your need to feel part of his world and his family as you sound like you want that and that is lovely. I hear you speak about empty hours and very much relate to that. I took myself back to School as a mature age student and started a new career. I wasn’t used to being the provider and having the responsibilities. I figured if I have to do it alone and that mower breaks down, if I have some money I could just get it taken care of. (What is it with these flamin mowers???) The study filled many hours while I moved through the most difficult time. Although I don’t think it’s a good idea to consume ourselves too much in case we don’t allow ourselves to move thought he grieving, I don’t see any since in riding out slowly and painfully either. Lyn I am sorry for your very recent loss *hugs* It does get better even though it seems impossible. This promise is coming from someone who was suicidal. There was a time when no part of me wanted to take another breath and didn’t believe at all how one could move through or past so much unbelievable pain. Give it time and be kind to YOU my friend. You will move beyond it.

Hi all and love and prayers to every one of you Katenb I hear you loud and clear. Oddly enough I had the same problem with a flimsy dog fence and my dog ended up at the pound. (Very costly). I lost my husband five years ago and it has been difficult for me primarily as he took his life. The first two years are the most difficult but the swells do subside to a manageable level, so stay focussed on that. It is normal and natural to feel what you do but never loose sight that people may not understand what they haven’t experienced but they do care. For me the realization that I am transparent to God and God knows exactly how I feel and cries with me is a blessing. I also know He loves us more than anyone, even our lost loved ones. You will feel that you are back to square one at times but the gaps eventually get bigger. You are absolutely right that the Lord provides, as He really wants an abundant life for us so keep asking and asking for that strength and peace. Sometime you can find another companion but that doesn’t fill the void of the person you loved. Age is not an issue, loneliness is so I try to find things to do and people to connect with. At first I didn’t have a heart to want to do anything but slowly things come back and become important again. Ustwo. I noticed that people deal with grief differently, some very negatively but we all feel it. We need to feel compassion from others but we have to show grace when we can. Relationships are easily destroyed by a loss in a family but they can be mended with grace. Your family sound like they are missing you and that is understandable as we loose part of ourselves when this happens and it take a long while to find the new adjusted person we become after our loss. I look to the good when I can try to be appreciative of the lessons we learn through trials. I know for myself I have become a better person, more considerate of others and I also had to learn to be a lot kinder to myself. Charlie I know we struggle not to burden our family with constant whose, but if out family don’t hear from us that we need them from time to time they assume we don’t need them. We can also appear too together and not allow our kids to see that it is ok to miss their Dad and grieve later down the track. We humans can be unrealistic at times with our emotions wanting to just ‘fix it and move on” but that can slow us down too. It is a juggle but again I believe that we are meant to feel it, move through it and slowly heal. If you believe what God says in his word it says, "Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted" Matthew 5:4 If we don’t mourn then God can’t help us.I got this quote from another site: http://clergyresources.net/Faggart/Beatitudes/mourning.htm God has created us with built in systems to protect and insure the healing of our persons. Most of these systems are controlled by our subconscious and are activated without conscious thought. These systems protect us. Emotional release in grief is part of this system. Crying at death is a blessing and should not be thwarted. To thwart it will lock up one's emotional system and bring on illnesses that will work out the grief for us in another way. The best way is the natural and normal. BAWL YOUR EYES OUT! Sometimes we can turn to family for support and they don’t hear or maybe they are having a good day, but I don’t think it hurts now and then to share that we really need a booster shot of company or support from time to time to keep us on track. It is like holding a bucket over our heads to catch our tears and every now and then we need others to take a cup away so as not to overflow. Charlie, don’t feel too bad about your friend and remember it is early days still for her so maybe this is a good time to relate to her and support each other. Maybe your friend needs to hear that and that you want to support her now and need her too. I couldn’t think of a better person to relate to right now. Oh and me? Five years on and I am logging into a forum on grief? Well I am pretty good most of the time these days but things do turn up to make you search for a place to land for a bit of understanding. I am in a relationship, which has hit patches. I had been up late crying my eyes out. I am grieving a loss of a dream right now. I have had tremendous healing through God since I become a Christian not even a year ago. I really wished I had been lead there a lot sooner and saved myself a load of sadness. Anyhow I found myself crying on the sofa last night missing the man who was so attentive and compassionate in certain situations. I guess I don’t feel I have that right now and need it. He certainly was my best friend. I have let him go but now and then I miss my husband who understood me better than anyone ever has or has since. I guess we all want people to see who we are and to know our heart. We see the fruits of this when those people rush to help us. I guess we can find that through others in smaller pieces but a partner is that big chunk of love and consideration that we notice missing. I turn to God in these times and for the most part that does the trick, however I guess I need it from a partner too. It takes time but again I can tell you guys that it does get a whole lot better in time if we allow ourselves to mourn, so do what you need and don’t shut off others from too much understanding of what is happening to you.