sad in New Orleans

Hey Pamm- I am new to this site and I have to tell you that it has made such a difference for me in these past two days to know that there are people out there who know what this is like. I remember, and sometimes I still shudder, when people say "there is a reason", "things will be okay", "it will get easier"...etc. I can say that you will never forget and it will never be okay but the pain does get more manageable. The first year is extremely tough. You have to get through all of those "firsts" without him. It really does help to talk to someone. It helps to take medication...just to take the edge off. I took medication for about a year until I felt that I was really ready to face the pain. I went off the meds and let myself feel. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It was also the best thing I felt, and still feel, for me. I let myself cry and cry. I screamed into my pillow. I looked at pictures and listened to songs that reminded me of him. I took long drives to nowhere by myself. and cried. I live in New Orleans and had just turned twenty one that same year (my 21st birthday was the infamous Sept 11) so I spent a lot of time drinking (for better or worse). I eventually came out of this extreme but I know now that it was so important to let myself experience my emotions and learn how to deal. I remember seeking out anyone who could give me advice. Psychologists, psychiatrists, people who had lost loved ones, priests, anyone! I wanted someone to say something that would be my "a-ha" moment. I wanted answers. I still haven't found them. The understanding part is something that you have to figure out. I am still mad at God and that's okay. I haven't given up on Him though. I still believe that someday he will soothe my aching heart. I am not going to say that it's okay now. Six years later, I still cry when I think of him. Some days I can let myself feel the sadness and let it pass. Other days I cannot and I cry and cry. I still miss him like crazy. I still don't understand why this happened. You will make yourself crazy wondering why. I don't have any memories of that awful year except for the ones that involve that horrible day. I think that maybe I block it out because it is so painful. I guess that is a good thing. I just wanted to share part of my experience with you and let you know you have come to the right place. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

As I mentioned in my post, I am a new member. I just want to thank y'all for the responses. It makes a huge difference to know that there are people out there who really do understand. It helps to know that I have "a place" now. Thank you thank you!

I am a new member and I am hoping that y'all can help me. I lost Dan six years ago this past May 17. He was only 20 years old. We had been together for 7 years. We were young but I knew that he was my true soulmate. Dan died because of hospital negligence. He went in for routine surgery and suffocated. I was there and witnessed the entire horrific event. I knew there was something wrong but the nurse kept telling us he was fine. I can't help but feel that I should have done more. As I mentioned it has been 6 years and I have never regained...me. I never feel like myself. There is still this emptiness inside. A sadness that I feel will never let me move forward. I do have someone now. He is wonderful but I don't want him to think that I am some hopeless case and that he doesn't make me happy. My mother tells me that I should be over it by now. I have to let it go. I'm not sure what that means. I can't just forget. I relive parts of those terrible 3 days in the hospital everyday...even now. It has gotten better over the years. I have read some of the other entries from people who have lost someone within the last two years. I remember those times. I don't feel an overwhelming sadness every second of every day like I did back then. It is just this..hollow...hole. I can't seem to find joy in things anymore. I used to smile all the time and now I get people always asking me if I'm okay. My home was in really bad shape after the storm. I had to replace everything. It was like reliving the death. There was so much loss and grief around me...it brought me back to THAT place. Sometimes I have so much anxiety over losing someone again. I don't know if I could deal with it. I still haven't been able to go to church. I just can't. I am so angry...feel so betrayed. I don't want to talk to people about it because they don't understand. I tried a couple months ago to tell people I was depressed and they all say "Why? You have so much going for you. Don't feel that way." They don't understand that I am not just complaining. Most of the people on here lost someone within the last two years and I wanted to know if there is anyone like me who has been in this situation longer. Have I just completely lost it? How do you let go?