tattoodlb

Thank you so much for sharing and for taking the time to add your support. I will always feel happy that I did what I could....and she knew how much I love her..... I will also always miss her!!!!

Hi everyone.... I don't post frequently but I felt I needed to share this..... Today, well, this morning, is the 6th anniversary of my mom's passing. I remember it like it was yesterday. I will never forget it actually, because it was very traumatic, in the sense that it was somewhat of a surprise. You're probably thinking... "Somewhat of a surprise?"... yeah..... here is the story: My mom had a history of "feeling sorry for herself" and with multiple divorces under her belt, substance abuse issues and on husband #4; she was on a wicked downward spiral. "J", husband #4, was a super guy (I met him first, he was my neighbor and I introduced him to my mom a few months later) and he looked like Sean Connery (who could resist that? ). Anyway, they met and hit it off immediately. Before I knew it, she was moving him with him and also now my neighbor! What I DID NOT know was that J was on some serious PTSD drugs (he was in Vietnam, shot in the eye and left for dead in a pile of bodies for 2 days) and he was sober from alcohol for several years. Oh, how I WISH I had known this!!!!!!! My mom found out about J's meds and shortly after they got married, she started stealing them, and then went to the doctor and got her own Rx for them. They both started drinking heavily at this point and smoking and doing all kinds of Rx drugs and illegal drugs. I was devastated and feeling very guilty for introducing them. J called me on my cell phone at work several times with horrible stories of things my mom was doing to him and that he couldn't take it and he wanted to divorce her..... He had arranged an attorney by this time and was putting the wheels in motion........ On Thanksgiving 2002, J dropped dead of a heart attack right after the last guest left and as we were pulling in the driveway, the Ambulance drove up and they were working on J and subsequently rushing him to the hospital. My mom was hysterical, high, and unable to think clearly. My brother drove her to the hospital behind the ambulance. A few hours later we got the sad sad news. It was during this intrim time that my mom sunk into a deep depression such that I have never seen. She said she did CPR on J from the time she found him on the floor until the ambulance got there and "she couldn't save him" ..... At that point, I felt her pain... really felt it. My mom was a good person insofar as what the drugs didn't destroy of her personality, morals, and soul. It was at this point that I decided I was going to spend as much time with her as I could. I had just moved 45 minutes away into my first house the day that J died so we weren't neighbors any more, which in hindsight, was a blessing in disguise. True to my silent promise to my mom, I spent every minute I could with her and when I wasn't there, I was calling her. My mom found out that J did have a heart condition that he had found out about 1 year before; the doctor told him NO drinking, NO smoking, NO Drugs!!! J didn't listen and I think in my mind wanted to die.. he was so sick of being with my mom and he didn't know how else to leave.... which really saddens me. I'm sure deep down, he was disappointed that he had started drinking again, etc. He was also having flashbacks of Vietnam with a rapid increase in frequency since they started having problems in their marriage. At any rate, my mom also found out that the house was mortgaged 3x and there was no money. The bills hadn't been paid for months and there were heavy credit card bills. At this point, her depression was so severe that she spent all day sleeping with the shades drawn and wouldn't answer the phone. She would fall out of bed and she ended up breaking 2 of her toes on one occasion. Ultimately, she was forced to sell the house to raise money for all the bills. At this point, my cousin was an attorney and helped my mom with J's estate and financials for free. So, that was also something that would turn around to bite us in the tush; or should I say, ME. I was helping my mom pack, move and arrange her affairs. I helped her with everything I could. My sister was telling me that I was wasting my time, that mom was a "loser" and she only cared about herself. What I have come to understand was that my sister was mad at me for spending so much time with my mom. Why? Because my sister is a drug dealer and couldn't spend time with my mom selling her pills if I was with her!!!!!! I would love to say that this was a good thing.... ............. So, for the 9 months after J died my mom went in and out of depression, or more correctly I should say her depression varied in degrees, from severe to minimal or at least it looked that way.. I took her on her errands, took her to lunch, movies, anything I could to think of that would get her out of the house and also to spend time with her. She really seemed for all intents and purposes, to be turing her life around. She got a cute apartment in town and it was quite big enough for her. We helped her move and I think she was in that apartment for about a month when the proverbial s&^% hit the fan...... She stopped taking my calls, she stopped being there when she knew I was going to visit.... and she seemed more reckless. She started hanging out with my sister and she stopped by x-husband #2's house frequently..... she started seeing lots of new doctors, having new tests... and then she called me one day. " The doctor found a lump in my breast, I need to go for a biopsy" I said, "Okay, I'll pick you up, let me know what day, I'll go with you"... "No, um, I don't think I'm going to go" .......click... she had hung up on me. I called back and no answer. She had cancelled dinner. She didn't answer her phone...... for several days. My mother called me, she was slurring her words, "I was pulled over for swerving, I hit a pole", I got a ticket. My mom called me, "Can you take my bird, I can't have him in my new apartment".... "Gee, I'm sorry mom, my husband doesn't want a bird".......My brother called screaming, "Mom strangled our bird! I was helping her take out the trash and I heard a squeal, and I looked over... and the bird was dead in her hands!!!!! Oh My God!!!"...... What I had found out was that my mom had gotten several Rx for several different psychotropic drugs... that she got from an INTERNIST... I called the local Police Department where my mom lives and said, "My mom lives alone, I want you to have my information incase anything happens to her" They took my information..... Little did I know I would be getting a call a week later........ My brother went away to college in Miami, Florida. The next day, I get a call from the local PD..... "Is your mother Nancy.....?".. "yes"... "Do you have an aunt named Kay?" ..... "Yes"... .... "Well, Kay called, and wanted us to check on Nancy, is she with you? "...... "No"......... "Okay, we'll go check her apartment"...... "Okay, please call me back"..... This initial call happened on a Saturday morning.. my mom was supposed to meet my aunt and drive up to a cousin's wedding in Maine. Two hours later.... the PD called again, "Hi, Dana?" .. "Yes?".... "I'm sorry to say that we found your mother deceased on the floor, we had to force open the back door, I'm sorry".... "Oh dear, (sobbing)..... do you want me to go there? "..... "No m'am, you don't want to see this, you don't want your last memory of your mom like this"...... "Okay".... "What funeral home do you want to use? "....... "Let me call you back, Thank you"..... I called my sister who started to yell at me. She said she was going right there, she needed to "identify the body"..... what she needed to do was get all of the drug bottles out of the apartment !!!!! She went to the scene and the police man knew she would be going there, I called him and told him... she said he was not going to let her in and if she acted up, he would arrest her. I also told him that she might be high. He assured me that he would arrest her if she appeared high . Long story short... (or shorter)... my mom died of a massive drug overdose. She took over 200 pills. Plus pills my sister gave her. My sister ended up becoming the executrix of her estate due to a "technicality", which in reality was my cousin being too lazy to file a petition for an out of state executrix (me), making the time after my mom died a living hell for me.............. banned me from filing wrongful death, making inquires, etc. So you see, I was not really surprised that my mom did what she did, the signs were there, I tried to do an intervention on her but only 2 of my family showed up. So, seeing lack of support, no one wanted to pursue it........ I tried to get her help, she refused. Not a day goes by that I don't wish my mom was still with me, especially now with my medical condition. I miss her smile, laugh, and the person she was before the drugs took over. I realize I did what I could and I'm happy I spent so much time with her. Six years seems like a long time, but it is only the blink of an eye. My mom is alive in my heart and in my good memories of her. She deserved so much more in life and she deserves to be remembered well, and that is what I'm going to do today. Remember her well.

Hi Majcm, I am so sorry for your loss and I can completely sympathize with your painful decision, made all the more painful for your experience. My heart is with you at this time of grief. Marty is such a wonderful, wonderful caring person and that she thought to consult a vet for this situation shows the depth of her compassion for people and animals.... we are truly blessed to have her overseeing this forum. I, myself, was wrestling with the decision to "put a beloved pet down" to end his suffering and you always think in the back of your mind, "Well, maybe they will be okay..."... and unfortunately, that is not true and as responsible pet owners we also need to let go of our own needs to keep the pet despite the pain we know deep in our hearts he/she is in. I ended Beau's suffering last Monday and I was able to request a necropsy which was relatively inexpensive and I wanted to just reassure myself that I had made the right decision. The results showed that he had metastatic lymphoma throughout his abdomen, intestines, and stomach. The vet was shocked beyond anything that she had ever seen that he was still alive. In your case, you could actually see the cancer, in mine, I had to go by animal behavior and the way he looked. I knew he had cancer by x-ray 9 months ago, but sometimes it can go into remission.... anyway.... I was also present for the procedure, however I did not stay for the final shot because with a ferret it is different than with a cat or dog and I didn't think I could tolerate that. Please try to remember all the good times you had with your beloved dog and that you did in fact do the right thing. Dying of cancer seems much much more slow and painful in my opinion. Many hugs to you.

Thank you for your support! I don't post much here because I am still coming to terms with my "new me" and having to take care of Beau helped me get my mind off of my medical issues. I really connected with him as it was so obvious to me that he was also negotiating a tricky trail of life. I spent last week doing things I knew I shouldn't; and I also went without taking my meds so that I would be better able to handle anything that came up emergency wise. On the day of his passing, I got home and all of my emotions and lack of meds really beat me up and I went to bed at 6 pm. I would do it all again the same way because I took Beau and the responsibility of making sure he was properly cared for and got what he needed very seriously and with all of my energy. When the tumor was discovered, the vets told me it was inoperable because it was intertwinded with his stomach and intestines. Thank you all for sharing and for your continued support. My 3 ferrets have been looking for Beau and running to me as if to say, "Well, what did you do with him?"... I cuddle each one a few minutes longer each time. 2 of my 3 have adrenal disease and insulinoma so unfortunately, I may have to go through this again too soon. Many hugs to you all....... and as I look through my pictures of Beau, I see his very strong spirit still alive. He will continue to be my inspiration to fight my own fight and not give up as much as I want to some days.

Hi, I am so sorry for your loss..... ferrets are such wonderful, wonderful little souls... they are just so pure and fun. An animal is not just an animal, it is a piece of you that you love and cherish... sometimes we can only connect with animals on a level that we can't possibly with a human. You are in my thoughts today and I am grieving with you as my own little fuzz butt went to the Rainbow Bridge yesterday. Not only did we lose a cherished and loved friend, we lost a bit of ourselves as well..... we are better people for having loved so much and given so freely of ourselves. Animals help us heal (that is why they use therapy dogs/cats, etc) and they bring the goodness out of us... we are more complete in harmony with mother nature. Many hugs to you..... you should not berate yourself for wanting to talk about your Nikomi, it is not something that we just get over... it is a process and each of us go through it differently. Be kind to yourself..... you deserve it and need it. PM me if you feel like "rambling".. I would love to listen. Dana

While not all life is celebrated, all death is mourned; whether it is in a passing prayer for the animal on the side of the road or an elaborate funeral for a beloved family pet. ** Sunday, April 26, 09..... My beloved Beau is losing his brave fight with lymphoma. Forgive me for humanizing him, I feel I must for if he were human, he would teach all of us very valuable lessons about living, enjoying life and fighting the good fight. He would advocate for those that can't speak for themselves whether they are human or animal. ** I write this through a cascade of tears and sniffles for Beau is my heart, a huge piece of my heart. ** I rescued Beau from the local animal shelter; a woman had seen him running around in her yard for several weeks and finally decided to call Animal Control who went there and picked him up. A neighbor found out about him knowing I had ferrets and she called me and said that I needed to go get him because the people at the shelter did not know how to care for a ferret. ** Beau was pathetically skinny, to the point that he would have died had I not saved him that day, simply for the fact that the people at the shelter did not know what to feed him.... they were so ignorant, they even thought he was a girl. ** They were keeping Beau in a cat crate and feeding him DOG food. ** I rescued Beau in July 2008, shortly after my own diagnosis of syringomyelia. I felt drawn to Beau and told my husband that I was keeping him. When I got to the shelter, they handed him to me and he licked my hand, I took him immediately. He smelled very strongly of urine and had a large scab between his eyes; which looked suspiciously like a cigarette burn. ** Beau ate non stop for an entire month, he would clean every bowl I put in front of him and I fed him 5+ times a day. He gained weight and regained his energy. ** I quickly realized that something was wrong with Beau. He did not walk like a normal ferret, he scrabbled his feet side to side like he was swimming, which lead me to believe that his back must have been broken at some point or he had a birth defect. Beau was also pretty blind. He banged into everything but quickly learned his way around following the other rescued ferrets that I own. ** Beau also had a raging case of Mange and many of his teeth were broken. ** In August 2008, Beau had a vomiting fit and was very lethargic, we rushed him to the vet who did x-rays and told me Beau had lymphoma and he had 3 months to live and I should think about putting him down. I was devastated and tried to prepare myself emotionally for this and brought him back to the vet that same night. I asked if there was anything I could do for him and she said, you can use Prednisone and that will help, but it is not a cure. I eagerly jumped at that and started the Prednisone therapy to give Beau a longer life. I felt I owed it to him to help him fight and live a happy life in my house with my other rescued ferrets. Beau brought my ferret clan up to 4. ** After that day, I religiously gave Beau his pred and watched him flourish, he actually was up to full weight, and loved to chase my cat! He would go up and down the stairs, which I have to admit, I wish now I had video taped him doing it because he was so friggin cute the way he would take one step at a time while the other ferrets charged up the stairs faster than I could !!! ** Beau played, chased, and frolicked the way only a happy ferret can, he loved playing with me, loved to chase my husband around, he would love to lick our feet and most of all, he would roll around and love to play. ** Over this past week, Beau has declined rapidly, he stopped going up the stairs, when I let him out of his cage, he would eat and go right back to snuggle in some warm dark spot and he stopped playing. He is incontinent of poop and now falls over when he tries to go to the bathroom. I regularly clean his bum. He is indescriminate where he poops now when he was so fastidious before to only poop in the litter box.... He is now having trouble breathing. He now cries when he poops and pees. ** I am hoping he will just go to sleep and not wake up. I am hoping I will find him deceased in his little hidy hole.... am I a coward? Am I mean? I do not want to play God and put him down.... yet if it were me pooping all over myself, I would want someone to do that for me. I would want to go with dignity. I do not want Beau to suffer, I took him in to give him a good life and to take care of him and end the suffering he obviously had to deal with before I met him and unfortunately, that means knowing when to let him go and that is so damn hard!!!! A piece of me hopes that he will be okay yet deep down, I know he won't. X-rays don't lie. The way he looks now doesn't lie.. ** Animals do not stigmatize death the way we do, they do not agonize over feelings like we do... they just go into a hidy hole and go peacefully... they know.... ** I am going to miss him so much, he has brought more joy to me than I can even measure. I think it is not about how I saved him, but how he has saved me. About what he taught me and I was meant to find him. I was meant to learn what I have through him and I will cherish that always. I will love him as long as I breathe. I will honor Beau's memory by giving to others as he has given to me, selflessly, with humor and grace and with all I have. ** Although I have only had Beau for 9 months, I feel like I have had him forever, like I have known his soul forever. I am intertwined with him and I pray for the courage to bring him to the vet tomorrow to help end his suffering. I am cowardly hoping he passes on today in his sleep as I am quite sure I will be in tears for a long time over this yet I am not going to let him linger in pain. Thank you for letting me share this; thank you for being there with me and most of all, thank you if you rescue animals because you will benefit from it more than they will. April 27, 09...... I woke up every few to check on Beau to see if he was still with us... and the little trooper hung in there.... he had a terrible day yesterday and this morning. He didn't want to go without a fight. He had a hard time breathing and had squinchy eyes.... and did not want to be touched..... On the way to the vet's office he scrached the crate door so much that he splintered each toenail. That made this heart wrenching decision all the more difficult. I wanted to turn around and forget the whole thing, but in my heart, I knew I couldn't do that... to see him in pain was so much worse than letting him linger... He collapsed at the vet's office from exhaustion and pain..... The vet came in, looked at him and said, "Oh yeah, he looks like he is in pain, you are doing the right thing".... A very small consolation but at least I felt like I was doing the right thing even though it was so hard. I did not know the procedure for euthanizing a ferret and I do not feel it appropriate to go into that here, but I stayed as long as I could. I held him and told him how good he was. I also requested a necropsy to see the extent of the tumor. I am crushed and I feel broken. I also feel angry that whomever had this little angel did not care that he was missing or worse, they just let him go. I am finding peace in my memories of Beau now, watching him "weasel dance" in his own limited way; watching him chase the cat (Beau being blind, it was very easy for the cat to get away, but that didn't stop Beau from sniffing him out).... I am sad beyond anything I can describe; sadder than at my mom's funeral... for some reason, I feel more for animals.... I think because they love us unconditionally and they can't speak for themselves. And they teach us so much! My Heart: My heart broke today You took a piece with you when you went away. I cried today You took a few of my tears with you On your way. My love grew today You took some with you On your way My hand was empty today I lost touch with you As you went away My memories are dear today It is all I have As you are on your way My heart broke today And will be whole When we meet again When I am on my way. RIP Beau.

Marty! Hi! Thank you so much for your very thoughtful post and response. I am greatful for your kind words and I am looking at other avenues to help me cope with this new situation. I am seeing a psychologist on a weekly basis and he has given me some very wonderful ideas, most of which I have tried and met with success. I am thinking of new hobbies I can do, but unfortunately, my endurance for thinking, sitting and manipulating things with my hands is very very low. I started to make Christmas cards the other day and made a grand total of 2 and I had to go lay down.... that is depressing. I have been writing poems (angry, mean ones and depressing, scary ones)and that helps, however I always end up sleeping most of the day away, which does not do anything for my self esteem. I love shopping and yard sales however driving is painful and being able to concentrate on driving is difficult some times. I am hanging in there and glad I have forums that I participate in as I have met alot of really wonderful, nice supportive folks. Thank you again for your kind words and support. I am currently waiting for insurance approval for Botox injections for pain management for my severe neck muscle spasm. Hugs to you, too.

My mom died alone in her apartment and the police called me (long story), but then they asked what funeral home should come and get her....? I had to call them back with an answer, however I asked if they wanted me to go there and see her and the officer said, "Ma'am, you might not want to do that"... so I stayed home, but my pig-headed sister had to run right over there and "identify" the body which we all knew it was her anyway.... and ended up stealing stuff out of my mom's apartment and then whining that "she has PTSD" from seeing my mom like that.... To make a long story short, my mom did not want "a viewing" at her funteral, she specifically stated this in her wishes, so we had her creamated also per her wishes and a grave-site service. Several of my mom's sisters wanted to go to the funeral home and see her before she was creamated and I told them no, that my mom did not want that, and they were all mad at me. I did however go see her and the funeral director "warned me" that they did not do anything to her (no makeup, fancy clothes) since she was being cremated.... so I got to see her as she was when she died and I was sad and I will always remember that in my mind, but it does not disturb me (as was mentioned everyone is different). I remember her fine laughing and smiling and I also remember the end and for some reason, that helps me think of it as real and stops me from calling her to share my life with her .... Weird, but that worked for me. We are all different and we all have certain things that help us to cope and this time, I was happy that I got to see her at the funeral home. My brother was away at college out of the state and we offered to fly him home for the funeral, but he refused and he sort of feels bad for that, but then again, he said that is something he will deal with....and ultimately now, 5 years later, he feels he made the right choice by not coming home for that. AS I said, we are all different and handle things in our own way. Empty inside: I'm sorry you lost your dad and I know it is painful and you have a lot of things going on now, and I wish you peace and fond memories to help you during this difficult time.

great letter Elizabeth! My cat also loves to get into my bathroom sink!!! Aren't they funny?! I am going though anticipatory grief every day with my rescue ferret, Beau. He came to me bald, skinny, weak, dirty, smelly, blind, and with mange and a round cigarette burn hole in between his eyes.... I rescued him from the local animal shelter. I had him for about a month before he started to vomit and cry. I rushed him to the vet who did x-rays and then told me he had lymphoma and had only 3 months to live. I am giving him the best 3 months of his life!!! That 3 month marker is almost up... he does not seem sick, but he is slowing down a bit. I cry every day for him, that he is so loving, brave, and strong. He carries on like there is nothing that will stop him and I love him for that. He makes me think of my own problems as inconsequential. I am astounded of his capacity for friendliness even after everything he has gone through with rotten people.. I'm glad he gives me kisses every day and loves being scratched on his back. Thank you for letting me share... I absolutely understand the fear of losing a beloved pet... thanks for sharing your very beautiful letter!

Hi All, I should mention to Starkiss, that I know what you mean about being mourned and worring about your future.... and I thought this topic is a great one for me to post in as I was going to label my post "my future"; I am not trying to diminish your anxiety about this and getting the funeral director involved was a very wise decision and something I will be looking into myself soon.... however I digress to talk about my condition for a bit.... I have not posted in a very long time, there has been a lot going on here... I found this new branch of this site for anticipatory mourning the loss of .... and I felt that I needed to post.... if only to catch up. I was diagnosed in June 2008 with syringomyelia, which is a very rare spinal cord disorder. It means I have a cyst inside my spinal cord taking up space that should be occupied by my nerves as the spinal column connects our body parts all together. Anyway, there is no cure for this condition and any surgery will only possibly stop the progression of this disease. Needless to say, my outlook is GRIM and I have been fired from my last two jobs due to poor performance (my pain level is an 8 most days inhibiting me from concentrating) so I am currently unemployed and seeing doctors on a weekly basis. I have an appointment at The Chiari Institute in New York as they are specialists with this disease and hopefully they will be able to help me.... My future is GONE.... I can no longer do the things that I LOVE, my future includes a wheel chair and possible paralysis I am grieving the loss of that future and of my healthy life!!! I know tons of people have meaningful lives while living in a wheel chair but that is not the future I had in my mind for myself; neither is being paralyzed... Anyway, I thought this would be a perfect place to post this as my future is also frightening to me. If I live longer than my husband then I will have a hard time taking care of my self financially... which is also scary. Thanks for letting me share my grief and anxiety about my future... this is certainly a hard thing!!!! I forgot to mention that I am only 40....which makes this condition that much harder to deal with.

Hi Dragonlady, You mention anger and then feeling guilty and also mention that you are dishonoring your mom2..... Seems like you are piling a lot of stuff onto your plate that you don't need right now. Grieving is personal and we all do it differently and it is okay to be mad and you need to be mad without feeling guilty because that will stop you from being mad to take care of the guilty part (if you got all that!) Be mad!!! However you need to find constructive ways for an outlet for that anger. Write an angry story, write an angry poem, write an angry letter to your mom2 but keep it for yourself.... put the date....and when you are purged of that anger then feel guilty and again, find constructive outlets for your guilt.... write an appology....date it and keep it....I'm sure you were the light of your mom2's life and that she was very happy to have you as her daughter. Hold your cherished memories close because they help to sustain in times of sorrow. Depending how old your "little guy" is, if he sees you crying, you can explain that you miss grandma and it makes you sad. Children know when you're pretending and when you hold emotions from them, they get upset because they can see that something is bothering you. Being strong does not mean that you can't cry.... While the loss of your moms is tough especially during this time of year, it also magnifies our own mortality and things in our lives that we have done and not done.... sometimes maybe guilt is there because of that.... I know you are struggling with that now and the wounds are fresh, however hearts do heal with time; we may not end up with an entirely whole heart because our loved one took a piece, as it should be. Remember the good times and all that you learned from your moms and pass that on to your "little guy".... Hugs to you and warm wishes for a peaceful Christmas and New Years.

Hi Deb, It has been a long time since I visited this site....I wanted to say that my mother's 5 year anniversary of her death was on Aug 23. I was sad to realize that it was 5 years ago, but then I realized that the grief is not so poingnant; it still however does stab at times. I am going through some severe medical issues now and I wish she was here to be with me. Losing one's mother (or any loved one) is always tough! As far as it getting easier or better, for me, it is somewhat less painful, but I would not ever say better; easier? Hm....maybe somewhat. The feelings are not so fresh at this point, but I can remember exactly what I was doing the day I was told that she was gone. Sometimes it feels like it was still yesterday!

Montaigne.... I have kept your posting in my inbox (I get new topics sent to my e-mail) and I have spent several days reading and re-reading it...It touches me that you have had such a tremendously difficult and dangerous upbringing. I can relate to that in a small way.... my mom left my dad when I was not quite 6 and I saw her with men who would beat her and act out violently, so much so that I would hide in my closet until they were gone. My mom had a "hobby" that would introduce us (my sister and I) to unsavory characters and did not make for a safe home life...at any rate... I am sorry for your double loss, not knowing your mom and then for losing Chloe. I won't fall back on the old cliche that things happen for a reason lightly, however you seem like you are capable of great things and you yearn for knowledge and learning and the ability to change things and help people... Learning from your past and then going on to make good choices and being who you were meant to be might seem like a gargantuan task at this point, but the rewards in the end will hopefully put all of this in perspective for you at some point in the future. Escaping feeling with drugs and alcohol only delays you from feeling your feelings.....they come out no matter what, sometimes in odd ways and at odd times. I agree with Elizabeth on getting yourself into a 12 step program, or if you are capable, just stopping the destructive behavior all together cold turkey. Maybe even speaking with a counselor on why you want women to "mark" you... You strike me as being aware of yourself and the things that you do....will eventually become your past and your future is what you make it to be...I will keep you in my thoughts. I wish you peace in your time of crisis and I wish you love in your heart in your time of loneliness.. Do not dispair, your loved ones have not left you, not really, as long as you remember them and keep true to yourself...they will be with you...All the best... D

Hi Midnite and everyone! I'm sorry for all of your losses... Being angry after a parent (or a loved one) passes on is normal, how you express it is as individual as you are! Although I don't normally recommend throwing stuff at spouses or anyone else letting off steam is important...I would highly recommend getting out to exercise either to a gym, or just walking around in a safe place, track at a school, road with sidewalk...etc. I have found that exercising has helped me tremendously....it gives me a purpose to get out of bed and out of the house and it helps me focus (I can think inwardly about everything and not be bothered by anyone) and it burns off that anxious energy. While anti-depressants are helpful, they can also be dangerous, I would take these with caution and only with very specific doctor guidance, drugs are not the answer, but merely a crutch to get over the toughest times in my opinion. Family members and friends who do not speak to you or ask you how you are doing are afraid to say something to upset you..please don't take it personally...that happened to me after my mom died..NO one talke to me for a long time...years as a matter of fact. In general people are very uncomfortable with death and dealing with bereaved. You can certainly reach out and say, "Hey, I miss you, please don't be afraid to talk to me..." but be prepared to say you either don't want to talk about death or you do...to see what the other person's comfort level is....Unfortunately, some family members and close friends just don't know what to do or how to behave in these circumstances. Posting here and reading posts will surely help you...time is also a great healer....may you find peace !

Hi LoriS....your posting moved me and I felt compelled to reply. You mention that your mom would want you to move on...I'm sure that's true...and you also mention that you do not remember your mom as clearly as you did several months ago...well, that's time working on us to naturally "move on". My mom died Aug 23, 2003, already almost 5 years ago and I still remember every second of that awful day from the hour before the phone call to that night. The immediate days afterwards are becomming blurry but that is supposed to happen. I think, since this is "new" for me...the feelings as time goes on somehow mellow...HOWEVER....I was struck into a crying jag a few weeks ago when a song came on the radio that my mom loved....Desparado by the Eagles....and I just cried and cried....I miss her terribly so I know how you all feel about missing your parents....but I don't think about it every day like I used to which is a blessing and a curse I suppose. I want to remember her, yet it is painful. Another thing that happens to me..when I'm in a public place and a woman wearing my mom's favorite cologne who is passing by will invariably cause me to weep uncontrollably when I smell it....so she doesn't want me to forget either...but the constant pain of missing her is not there any more...but the reminders are poingnant just the same.

Hi Mike, Maylissa and Elizabeth... As a cat lover (and all around animal lover) I am touched by the raw feelings in these posts about feline leukemia and losing animals too young... I also rescue animals and got a "barn" cat in 2002 whom I loved dearly! Like a child (I do not have human kids...I only have furry kids) and he was the light of my life...my husband used to say that I loved the cat more than I loved him...he may have been right!! HAHA....well, he was almost right, I loved them equally (but again, different as was mentioned before) Anyway.. Smokey had developed very large lymph nodes in his back legs and his foot pads swelled and split...which was weird to me, so I took him to the vet who diagnosed a foot disease ( I do not recall the name of it) and that his nodes were enlarged due to a systemic increase in benign fluid...puzzling...so it went on like that for a few months and then one day...Smokey jumped out of his cat tree and meowed a hideous meow and collapsed...right in front of me...I was shocked and called the vet and rushed him right over...at this time, it was close to 7 pm and the vet waited for me...Smokey seemed normal (he obviously had massive amounts of adrenaline due to the car ride and strange office) the vet said his lab tech was not available so that I should come back first thing for blood tests... The next morning was horrible..he had spent the night behind the sofa, which he never used to go back there..and he refused to eat. Needless to say, the rest of the story is way too emotionally draining to write it out... but after a few hundred dollars worth of tests and x-rays..it was determined that Smokey had severe advanced lung cancer!!! He was only 3 YEARS OLD!!!! The vet was shocked! By the time I arrived that evening, he was on oxygen...and he waited until he saw me and said good bye... I was devastated beyond anything...even my own mom's death did not hit me so hard... Suffice it to say...that our furry kids hold a very dear and special place in our hearts... I now have a fiesty cat of 2 years old who even though he looks like Smokey, couldn't be more different...and just as special...but in a different way. I don't expect any furry kid to take the place of another but to add to the love in my heart.

Hi TammyK...well....You are absolutely right in saying that losing a parent makes one grow up in a hurry. I can totally relate to that...I'm sorry for your loss and glad you found this site. I have not posted in a while however I do get e-mail notifications of recent posts. Yours touched me in that statement you made. You know something? I think we truly grow up when we lose a parent because we then realize our own mortality...which is scary, enlightening and a propellent...it propels us into doing what we love, behaving differently towards people and life itself...we soul search and in doing that, we come to realize that we only have a certain amount of time here to do......whatever! We can make the best or worst of our lives and in that time when we lose someone....we finally see that...I finally got to actually "see" what my mom meant when she was teaching me, "Treat others as you want to be treated", and "You get what you pay for"...."Charity starts at home" and all of those phrases that sound dumb...when you're a kid....but as you grow up...you realize...damn...she was so RIGHT.... So...the enormity of losing a parent is that is makes us realize...what we have, what we've been given...and that memories are stored in the heart. Wishing you peace in your happy memories....Dana

Hi Leann, I'm sorry you are going through this....it seems that we have all had this syndrome from reading other replies...unfortunately, people just don't know how to act or behave, or they feel guilty for offering false promises...who knows...anyway...when my mom died, not one of her 10 brothers or sisters contacted me or tried to comfort me or help me or anything...neither had any of my 50 some-odd cousins. I felt so alone as well and bewildered by their apparent lack of caring..I have come to realize that they were grieiving in their own way as well and figured they probably could not bear to look at me as I am the spitting image of my mom...I even get gasps when I enter a family function still as they think it is my mom...I still feel alone and probably always will. That is why this site is here I think...to help us realize that we are not alone and we can chat with each other. I don't post much as I really try to keep busy, but I do need this site as much as all of you to help keep me afloat on the bad days... peace to you and the only thing I can say is that keep the friends that are with you no matter what and as for relatives...hopefully they come around some time and if not, bringing it up is sure to cause some discomfort as they know what they do and don't do; so while I don't advocate pretending nothing happened...not mentioning it even if you wanted to might be something you should entertain so as to at least have some type of relationship even if it is not as close as it once was...take care and wishing you comfort in happy memories...

Hi Shubom; I am so very sorry to hear about your parents..your mom was very lucky to have you and you her...You ask where is your mom and dad? They are in your heart believe it or not; they are with you and part of you. I am pretty sure there are some things that you do that your mom would say, Your father did that same thing...and I'm sure there are things or facial expressions that you did that your dad said, Gee..your mom did those same things... and your memories are there for you to draw strength from. My mom passed away 3 years ago on Aug 23, quite suddenly. I got the call from the police...they found her in her apartment...The last 9 months of my mom's life were very hard for her...her husband of 3 years had a sudden heart attack on Thanksgiving, right after dinner and she blamed herself that she did not know CPR...I was there for her as much as I could be..I went shopping with her...went to the movies with her, lunch...helped her clean, move...generally tried to be there every spare moment because I did not want to feel guilty for not being there, and I wanted to get to know my mom and be friends with her...it seems by your posting that you were the rock your mom needed after your dad passed away and I am sure you helped your mom more than you could ever know. The fact that you made a difference in her life is the key to knowing that you did all you could and you should be proud of yourself. Not many people would stick by their widowed parent like you did...you're lucky you can cry...it took me about a year to cry and then it was nonstop for a few weeks...everytime I smelled a woman who was wearing the same perfume my mom did, I would burst out crying in the middle of the store or where ever I was...or if a song came on the radio that my mom liked, I would just cry...3 years later, I get sentimental....but somehow the pain is not so fresh, but still there...time does make its mark. I miss my mom like you miss your mom. Be sure to have a memorial of her whether it is a collage of photos or photo album..or just a bookshelf with stuff that she liked or was hers is helpful...at least to me as I have one. I have one of her stuff and of stuff that she gave me...My thoughts are with you. Take care. Hope this helps.. you are not alone here.

A Mother's Love Doesn't end It is in the way She was there for me It is in the way she cared for me A Mother's love Goes on and on even From high above A mother's touch Doesn't end It is in the way she touched my heart A mother's gaze Doesn't end It is in the way she watched me grow A mother's dream Doesn't end It is in the way I love her so To MOM I miss you!!

Hi Shell and Starkiss...your posts have me thinking about my mom's 3rd year anniversary Aug 23...somehow the sadness doesn't go away and I miss hearing her laugh (although my aunts say I sound like my mom) I also look a lot like her too and when I enter a room during a family gathering, everyone looks and the expressions are ones of Oh, Look, It's Nancy... and then realization when they see me...; and then I feel bad...We suspect my mom's death was a suicide and that always makes it hard to talk about with anyone since it is not socially acceptable. My sister has been acting up with drugs as this anniversary goes by and her son was taken away by the state due to abuse and neglect...which is sad in and of itself. I dreamt of her the last couple of nights and when I woke up I felt like I had to tell her something important as we were having a discussion in my dream and I was actually going to call her and then I realized she wasn't there which was a real bummer as dreams can seem SO real... Anyway, Balloons are a good thing to do, but I just might go to the cemetary and tidy it up. I am going to post a poem... Take care...D

Hi Lara..I am so sorry for your loss...losing an animal is so hard...and having to euthanize is harder still. I had to euthanize a very sick kitty and I can relate to how you feel. Unfortunately animals can hide sickness very well until it is too late. I have 2 ferrets myself and dread the day when I have to make any heartwrenching decisions. My thoughts are with you..you did the right thing to help him not suffer any more, as painful as it was for you. I hope you have many happy memories to get you through the rough spots..and photos..don't forget the photos...I relied on photos of my beloved kitty for many months. A memorial service might be helpful to you and your family...I have a little memorial on my bookcase of my kitty. When an animal means so much, honoring their lives with a memorial helps with the grieving process.. I learned that here and in the many books I got after my cat had passed to the Rainbow Bridge...that is a very lovely poem and http://www.chancesspot.org/ is a good site. Take care, I am here to talk to if you need to. LoriKelly is right on with her reply

Amanda, oh...I am very sorry to hear that...that is heartbreaking...your sister must be also very upset...in my family, we have lost unborn babies, too and that is so hard on everyone. All the dreams and happiness that go with new babies is all gone suddenly. I hope you find peace, too, and my thoughts are with your sister in her time of grief. Thank you for your response...I think we are all connected somehow and losing someone is hard even if you did not know them, it is like a small piece of us is gone and we won't get it back; that sense of loss, a broken connection. Take care.

We are all entitled to believe what we will; whatever makes us feel better and helps us be who we are. I am not trying to take that away from anyone. Different people have different ideas and ideals and values on what they hold to be true...and what they have seen and what circumstances have thrown them in their lives...so with that said...if in grief, you turn to God...good for you...if you turn to Buddah...good for you...if you turn to Allah...good for you...if you turn to your psychiatrist...friend...dog...cat...bird...snake...forums... Zeus, Poseidon, Hades...whatever you need and you find the help and comfort you are looking for...then good for you. Everyone is different in their grieving and no one should be telling you how to grieve or what should make you feel better. Of course, not having anyone ever die would be nice. But that is not possible. No hard feelings here but I think you should be more tolerant of other's opinions and not try to push yours...Harmony... dude...agree to disagree.

Hi, I am also a witness of a tragic accident and I did post about it but I wanted to let you know that I share in your sorrow. I, too, was there for not 1, but 2 people passing and it is very upsetting when injuries from an accident take a life. Neither of them knew I was there, they were both unconscious; yet I suppose I was "supposed" to be there somehow as I don't usually take that particular road home from work...