Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

julienne

Contributor
  • Posts

    7
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Everything posted by julienne

  1. Hi all - I'm back after a couple years; my mom died in 2007 and my dad passed away a month ago. He had been declining for awhile and I think we all knew last fall that his days were numbered. He died suddenly of a heart attack; no pain, and my brother was with him at the end. All my family came together for the funeral and staying together for the week after. Now, I'm starting to have trouble. I went through a long awful bereavement when my mom died. This time, I vowed I would accept the grief and not make too many demands on myself. I know I can't do as much for my own family (husband and teenagers) as I want to, and have made some adjustments. However, there's days like today where I'm just so irritable it seems like my skin is burning! I feel like something has taken me over. I'm not under any extra pressure, but the normal occasional stressors seem overwhelming. Does exercise help? I've been on antidepressants for a couple years, and my doctor made a recent adjustment that seems to help me with fatigue issues. I don't want to go back to sleeping all the time like I did when my mom died, so I'm making an effort to maintain a regular daily schedule. If anyone has any suggestions, I'd love to hear them.
  2. Thanks to everyone who is sharing - I don't feel so alone. My doctor increased my antidepressant dosage as I was falling apart with anxiety, and it is working. I'm not sleeping as much, and when I look back, I can do more things than before. However, I'm still walking around with "syrup in my veins" as one friend put it, and taking tasks one small step at a time. In the last couple days I've had a sad ache in my chest. My doctor assures me I'm physically OK, but it's just like the pain I'd get when something bad happened to one of my kids, or when a friend moved away. It's been over 4 months since my mom died and I don't remember feeling this heartache before now. Is this normal? Is it part of the process? I dread the thought of going backwards, since it seems like such a long tough road. I've managed to plan something for Labor Day weekend with my sons - a trip downtown for a cartoon/TV convention. I just wanted to escape with them to a different world. Does the aching heart mean anything? thanks to all- julienne
  3. I'm amazed you can work 4 hours a day. I'm very familiar with the circling thoughts, the memory loss, and the emotions that won't let you rest. And I used to be the strong one who helped everyone out, too. Try to see a doctor if you can. There are medications for anxiety that can slow down the endless thoughts, and a doctor may talk to you about antidepressants as well. Anxiety can be an overwhelming feeling that you're afraid of something but you're not really sure what it is. A friend of mine in the same situation said it best: I know I used to be able to handle things, but right now I'M NOT WELL. I'm not fine, I'm not OK, I'm not well. When you're sick, you rest, you take care of yourself, you see a doctor if you need to. You sound like you are suffering terribly. People who haven't been through this really don't know what to say, and they don't know how deeply this changes you. Sometimes I wonder who I used to be. Please take care of yourself. p.s. I saw a movie the other day in which a grieving woman says, "It's so unfair. I want to punish somebody!" Then she said, "Something so awful HAS to be somebody's fault!" You sound like you are punishing yourself, and putting the fault on you alone. A loss doesn't HAVE to be somebody's fault. Sometimes, it just happens, and through circumstance completely beyond your control. When my husband lost his father years ago to cancer, he went through years of anger and guilt even though there was nothing that we could have done. Expressing anger was easier than expressing sorrow, and it nearly ended our marriage. Strangely enough, grief is a form of love. You would not be feeling such pain had you not loved your mother so much. I had to recognize how much I loved my mother, and how much she loved me, before I could start to heal. I still break down when I think about it, but that's part of the process. Let us know how you are doing.
  4. Geri- You're not crazy; it's the brain's way of giving you a break. When I was organizing my mom's funeral, and months later going through some of her things, there were times I could deal with things without emotion. I would sort through and organize for awhile, and then WHAM! I would hit the invisible wall. Sometimes it was hours or a day later. It was like I couldn't make my hands work. Couldn't hang up her coat, throw away her magazine, or pick up an envelope out of the mail. I think your mind just hits overload and shuts down the emotions that have exhausted you. My experience has been that the numbness comes and goes; and when you feel numb, you wonder why you aren't grieving! I think it's all part of the process. Trust me, you're not nuts. I've done some difficult things and had blunt discussions that later, I can't believe that I was able to do at the time. You're not alone in this - keep in touch on how you're doing.
  5. Thanks so much to everyone for their replies. You have no idea how much it helps to hear that I'm not the only one. I had been on antidepressants before my mom died, and my doctor increased my dosage just recently. I still sleep a lot, but I noticed that the anxiety is much less, and I can do a few more things. Thanks to everyone's advice, I keep telling myself "one thing at a time." I don't tell myself, "clean up the kitchen," I congratulate myself, "Hey, I loaded the dishwasher!" or "Hey, I took out a bag of trash!" or "Hey, I bought milk and fresh fruit at the store!" Tracey B, I know where you are. My flower beds are full of iris and lilies that I got from my mom's garden years ago. Sometimes I halt in my tracks and have to turn away because the grief it brings up is too sharp. I can't go into my dining room because the table is stacked high with my mom's stuff. I know I will be able to deal with it eventually, but right now I just do other things. I appreciate you all so much.
  6. I have to tell this story as it brings me enormous relief every time I tell it. Not a typical bereavement song, but it has such power. My mom had been in critical care in the hospital for several weeks, and I had just realized that she would never leave. I walked into the St Marys lobby, numb and shaky, and realized the music I was hearing was I went to my knees so fast I had to crawl to a chair, and cried my eyes out for 20 minutes. I could stay awake just to hear you breathing Watch you smile while you are sleeping While you're far away dreaming I could spend my life in this sweet surrender I could stay lost in this moment forever Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure Lying close to you feeling your heart beating And I'm wondering what you're dreaming Wondering if it's me you're seeing Then I kiss your eyes And thank God were together I just want to stay with you in this moment forever Forever and ever I don't want to miss one smile I don't want to miss one kiss I just want to be with you Right here with you, just like this I just want to hold you close Feel your heart so close to mine And just stay here in this moment For all the rest of time Don't want to close my eyes I don't want to fall asleep Cause I'd miss you baby And I don't want to miss a thing Cause even when I dream of you The sweetest dream will never do I'd still miss you baby And I don't want to miss a thing I got up, washed my face, and went up and told my mom over and over all the things I had wanted to tell her through the years. She died a week later. When I hear the song on the radio, I listen to it and let the tears flow. If my kids are with me, I explain to them why I am crying and that it's good to let the tears out for Grandma. Still have some tears right now! Hearing the song in the hospital, I was able to let my emotions go, then get back to doing what I had to do for my mom and family. I'm glad it still makes me cry, as some days I need to break the numb feeling. Thanks to everyone else who shared; I know I'm not the only one who was so powerfully affected by music.
  7. Hi - I've been reading so many posts that have helped me so much, and I know that how I'm feeling is probably normal, but I need some insight on coping. My mom died in March after a sudden illness. She was the rock and anchor for my dad, myself and my brothers. She spent the last two years caring for my dad, who is still recovering from a stroke. I spent the last two weeks of her life round the clock at the Mayo clinic, and was there when she died; I got to say my goodbyes, but dear God, I didn't expect to watch her die. I used to be able to do so many things - I was the ultimate multitasker. Now I find that some days it's all I can do to shower and make sure my boys (ages 10, 13, and 15) get something to eat. I'll have a good day, then spend the next day taking naps and sleeping 12 hours at night. It's such an effort to take a walk, go to the grocery store, wash clothes or even brush my teeth! Should I keep pushing myself, or give in to the fatigue like I have been doing? I try to count the small things as accomplishments; today I bought groceries, made a doctor appointment and logged into this board! I try to take one of my boys along if I have to run an errand; hanging out with them, even around the house, takes my mind off the heavy feeling. I guess I want to feel better RIGHT NOW, although I know that's not realistic. Is spending the day sleeping a step backward?
×
×
  • Create New...