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About jolee

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    fort peck tribes
  1. hello, i am not sure where to start, or where this ends. my husband of 9 years went to town to a go to a gathering. his brother called and said i have to get up to the hospital, he quit breathing. the hospital is 23 miles away from our house, and it took me 8 minutes to get there. i got to the hospital, and the whole family was there. the nurses came out, and said that he had passed away. i ran into the room that he was in, and was talking to him, begging him to come back to us, but he didnt. this happen april 18, 2004. we had the wake and funeral, and over 300 people came. the house was full of people, the kids were all running around and the family was gathered. now, i am all alone. i go to work, and try to keep myself strong enough to keep going. but i am lost in so many ways. i cant remember things, i have some sort of video that plays in my head, i see him, smell him, and miss him. we entangled every part of our lives together. sometimes, i cant hardly breathe, and have to remind myself to do just that. one day, i sat at the table and smoked cigarettes, before i knew it the day was gone, and so was 4 pks of cigarettes. i tried to get his things together, but i cant. i tried to keep busy, and not think, but i still keep remembering. i cant watch the tv, because he is not there to watch with me. i sleep and wake myself up crying. i work at a very stressful job, and that will make me cry, my stomache hurt, and feel like i am so tied up in knots i dont know where any balance is. people that came all went back to thier lives. family has gone back to thier lives. the kids have become very busy with thier lives. and i am here. my life is gone too, at least that is how it feels. i am not this strong. there are things around the house that was his jobs, now i am trying to do them. the bills keep coming in and there is no money to pay them. the kids need things, and i try to keep up with all of that. our boy graduated from high school, but his dad was not there. he did not even want to go to his own graduation. my husband and i shared a path that was full of supporting and respecting each other, we were soul mates and knew that from the time we met. i dont know what to do. i feel like i am going crazy. i dont want to talk on the phone, and i dont want to answer the door. i have responsiblities and commitments, and attempt to keep up with them, but some of them i have called and said i can no longer be a part of. i need to take some time off work, but without a job, i have no way of paying any of the bills. people say, time will fix it, some say that i am young and will find some one new, i dont want no one new. some say that i will get used to it, just dont cry and dont let yourself be lonely. i cant listen to these people, because it just hurts my heart. i know that they mean well, but it doesnt seem to make sence to me. i trying to be a good strong woman, but at the same time, i just cant make this understanding to be true. i keep waiting for him to come home. i seen him buried, but that is like a dream, and waiting for him to drive in seems real. i cannot seem to get it. i dont know what to do, or how to do it, dont know what is right, and how not to go crazy here. my cousin found this place, said to write. so i am writing. thank you for listening to me. i appriciate your time.
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