bobsgal

Tamra, I am so very sorry to hear of the death of your precious son. You spoke of 13 months like you might be thinking that you "should" be over it by now. Tamra, I haven't lost a child myself, but rather my sweet husband to an unexpected heart attack 8½ years ago. The one thing I know about this grief journey, with absolute certainty is, you will never be over it. You will come to some sort of peace and acceptance with your loss, and a sense of understanding that they are gone from your sight, but they remain in your heart and mind forever. They are always a part of us. I found for myself, the more that I spoke Bob's name, told and retold my story of our life and love, the more I remembered him. The more firmly embedded he became in my heart. Keep reaching out, telling your story. Don't beat yourself up because you think you should be further along in this process than you are. Accept that some days are good, but others are intolerable. That it's ok to fall apart, to cry for no reason, to laugh, or even to forget to feel sad. It's all ok, it's all part of our healing. There are many of us out here, listening to you speak your childs name, and holding you in our thoughts and prayers that you and your family are safe. Sending you warm hugs to wrap yourself in when the pain becomes too big to bear on your own. Love and Blessings, Lynda (bobsgal) my other half

Don, The doubting, anger, fear, guilt, etc. is all part and parcel of this grief dance that we do. Yes you are right, you have no actual responsibility in your wife's death, you know that intellectually, but you still wonder. This is pretty much a normal part of mourning, the would haves, could haves, should haves, as if we had the power to control everything or anything. My guilt was that I am in the health profession, and should have recognized that Bob was having heart problems before it got to that point (as if I could have done anything to prevent the heart attack). I should have made sure that he took better care of himself, and not smoked or drank, ate better, slept better, played better, etc. The realization came to me eventually, that I could not control his life nor his dying. That no matter how much I beat myself up for not doing this or that, it was not going to bring him back to me. I finally got that under control, and then I got to the guilt of smiling or laughing at something, when he was not here to enjoy it. How dare I forget my pain for even a moment? But this too passes with time and healing. Don, this is all part of loving someone so much. If we hadn't loved them, their loss would be a small consequence to us, but we did and the hurt at times is unbearable. No one will ever replace them, they were unique and our relationship with them was unique. I sometimes think it is harder on the guys as far as the guilt thing because of the mindset of our society and the belief that the man is supposed to be the protector and fix everything. In our hearts we know that is not true, but in our heads we buy into that, and suffer the guilt that goes with it. Keep talking Don, reaching out to any who will listen to you pour out your pain and frustration. Before long you will be reaching out to someone else who is where you are right now, and it will hit you that you are indeed healing. I am sending you warm hugs to wrap yourself in when the pain becomes unbearable. Know that there are many of us out here supporting you in prayer and uplifting thoughts. Love and Blessings, Lynda (bobsgal) my other half

Hi Faith, I wanted to just take a moment to let you know you are not alone "out there". Although I have not lost a child, I do know know what loss is like and how alone you can be, even in a crowded room. I am so very sorry to hear of your daughters death, and I can empathize with your feeling of loss of your job taking care of her now. Many, many people who had the job of caretakers have a grief associated with that loss also. I am Lynda (bobsgal) and lost my husband suddenly to a heart attack 8½ years ago last August. We were never blessed with children of our own, and that loss in itself was easier to bear with Bob here to help shoulder it. Consider contacting Compassionate Friends.org for help and assistance with moving thru this grief, it is my understanding that they are a wonderful source of support and comfort. Take one moment at a time, and when you can, tell us more about your precious daughter and the joys of loving and raising her. I am sending you many warm hugs to wrap yourself in this morning for when the pain gets too big to bear. Love and Blessings, Lynda (bobsgal) my other half

Dear Carleen, I wanted to drop you a note to let you know that you are being heard tonight. You have made the first step in continuing on, by reaching out here and telling your story of your mom and your loss. I have not lost my parents, but lost my husband to a sudden heart attack 8 years ago. You have a life history with your mom, that no one can ever take from you, but you also have the hard thoughts and feelings about your sister to work thru. My heart and prayers go out to you at this time. Keep reaching out. Talk about your mom, and the loss of her. Talk about what is frustrating you with your situation. Some people find that keeping a journal helps, others find that writing to groups such as this helps. Bottom line, do what ever you have to do to get some comfort. There are many out here who understand your pain. Being a caregiver is a job, and when your mom passed your job was no longer necessary. I would imagine that there is grief related with that as well as the death that you are having to deal with. Sending you warm hugs to wrap yourself in when the grief becomes more than you can bear. Keep breathing Carleen, one moment at a time. Know you have others here who are listening and supporting you. Love and Blessings, Lynda (bobsgal) Our Story

Hi Don, you are in no way alone in this. There are many of us out here hearing your words, and understanding your pain. I hate to have to welcome you to this list as I know only too well how high the cost of admission is. I am so very sorry to hear of Rhonda's death, and that you are in such pain right now. I understand where you are, although for me it has been 8 long years ago this past August 3. I can barely remember 3+ weeks, except that I did go back to work after that 3rd week. Like you, I had bills to pay and food to buy, and with the sudden loss of ½ the income it was a case of have to. The first thing that struck me was your boss's words to you about getting on with life. It is so easy to make those stupid and hurtful comments when death has never touched you, but when it has, you learn better. Forgive him Don, he is ignorant. Not knowing what kind of work you do, I still make this suggestion. I would try to get back doing something as soon as you feel comfortable, I believe that my working was what saved me at times. If it hadn't been for my fellow workers dotting my i's, and crossing my t's at first, I probably would not have made it. Getting past that first 3 or 4 weeks at work, I found that I could function quite well most of the time working, but as soon as I had a few free moments, I would sink deep within the grief. You are absolutely right about all of us getting thru this grief process in our own time and in our own way. One of the best lessons I learned in my journey, was not to use another's standards as a yardstick to measure my grief progress or lack of it. For quite a while I would really get down on myself for still feeling this or that, when someone else said at that same time they were past all that. I finally came to the conclusion that no one else had the same relationship that I had with Bob and I had to deal with my loss of my other half the only way I could. Often you will feel completely stagnant in your grief, and others will feel that you are making progress. My advice is to just take it one moment at a time. Keep reaching out, and telling your story to all and any who will listen. Give yourself permission to fall apart, and also give yourself permission to laugh about something. I began my healing in earnest when I got online. I did not have access to the web for the first 2½ years, did not have a in person grief group to turn to. I just sort of stumbled my way thru it all. When I got online, and made my way to a group such as this, I finally saw that I was ok. I was not as crazy as I thought I was. Just knowing that others understood where I was coming from, and how I reacted, made all the difference for me. I was finally able to come to the conclusion that Bob was not on some sort of exotic trip, that he really was not coming home. I keep an eye on this board to reach out and give back some of what I recieved so long ago. The hardest thing to imagine when you start out on this journey is that eventually with time you will begin to feel better. There is a point in time when you think you will forget your loved one. That is part of the grieving that gives you that fuzzy brain. The more you talk about Rhonda, the more firmly embedded she becomes in your heart. Where ever you go, and what ever you do, she will be with you. That is how it is with Bob. I am never without him, no matter what my situation is. I am holding you in my prayers Don, that you find some comfort in my words. Sending you warm hugs to wrap yourself in when the grief becomes too unbearable. Love and Blessings, Lynda (bobsgal) Our Story

Hi Susan, I am so very sorry for the reasons you are writing to this board. I know only too well how high the cost of admission is to join this group. Reading your post, brought so much back to me. I lost my other half, my husband Bob to a sudden and unexpected heart attack, early in the morning hours 8 years ago last Aug. He was 47, and I was 45. We had been married 2 months shy of our 22nd anniversary, and had dated 6 months before we married. We were never fortunate to have had children, and somehow that burden was easier to bear with him here to help shoulder it. My first year following his death was spent in a fog. When I would begin to emerge from it, the pain would become so intense and unbearable that I did not think I would ever be able to take another breath, and I would sink back down into oblivion again. I can understand your thoughts of suicide, your depression, most all of everything that you wrote. I did not have access to help when I went through this, I didn't even have the internet until about 2½ years later. I had to return to work after about 2-3 weeks as we had no insurance, and my income had been cut in ½. The thoughts of ending it, were always so close to the surface for me. What held me back mostly was the thought: what would Bob think of me, if I couldn't keep moving on? Would he hate me for harming myself? You see, I was loved so very much by him, and all he ever wanted was for me to be happy, safe, comfortable, well, etc., and if I did something to hurt myself, I would be doing harm to what he loved. I couldn't take that chance of hurting him. Not sure if any of this makes sense to you, but it was my reasoning and how I worked though my feelings. I really began my healing when I got online and began searching out groups such as this. Being able to tell my story, and have others understand where I was coming from, and how I was thinking did more for helping me than anything I had done up until then. That's why I am here, to give back a little of what was given to me when I needed it most. I have no sage advice to give you except to tell you to keep telling your story, over and over again. Keep speaking of your love, your memories, the things that made him special, etc. Before you know it the stories will come easier, with less tears, but instead they will surround you with loving peaceful memories. And as you reach out to others who are walking where you are now, you will think back and see how much you have healed. There are no timetables to this, some days are better than others. I still miss my best friend and love, not a day goes by that I don't think of him. But I have found joy in living again. I am at peace with myself, and with my life. You are being heard Susan, I am sending you warm hugs to wrap yourself in when you begin to doubt yourself. Keep reaching out. Love and Blessings, Lynda (bobsgal) My other half

Dear Elizabeth, I am so sorry to hear of your many losses. And as you are finding out now, each one is different as each relationship is different. I have not lost my mom, but I did lose my husband and best friend from a sudden and unexpected heart attack. Your grief for your mom may have been delayed somewhat due to circumstances beyond your control, with your being deployed and all, but there is no set time frames to get through all this. You will always miss your mom, that is a given. But the missing will be colored with wonderful comforting memories eventually, instead of the stark void that they are colored with now. You will always think of her when anything of any significance happens in your life, and that is the way it should be. She was part of the major shaping in how you think and feel, and death cannot erase that from you. She is always your mom. As far as your dad and his new friend/love interest. You know all the things in your head that you stated are true and right ... but at times that is hard to take in your heart. But as you already know, we, as people, are capable of loving more than one person at a time. That includes loving someone again after our spouse has died. Your father has been blessed to have someone come into his life, to be able to express the love that he was taught through loving your mom for those many years. For some widows/ers this happens quickly, and for others it is slower, and even for some it never happens. But a new relationship of love does not diminish the one that we had, rather it is a testament to how our loved one keeps moving forward, expanding with us as we grow and heal. No one can ever replace your mom, she was unique, individual and totally your mom. None of us are replaceable. We are each unique. I am glad you made your way to this group. I hope you keep writing and getting all this out. Somehow the "monster" is not quite so formidable when the light is turned on it. It helps to read what others are feeling, and it makes you realize that you're not that crazy after all. I will be keeping you in my thoughts as you move through this journey. Sending you warm hugs to wrap yourself in when the grief gets so big and cold, remember you are being thought of dear Elizabeth. Love and Blessings, Lynda (bobsgal)

Dear Soul mate left behind and Lissa, My heart goes out to each of you. You are both trying so hard to make sense of a senseless situation right now. It is just the way of grief. As human beings we try to be logical and ordered. We desperately try to reason our way to some sort of peace with our situation, but death takes away all reason and order, and we just feel the void. It is as if the air they occupied no longer contains oxygen, but is just empty space. These are all normal feelings of grieving, and like you said SMLB, at times you can only make it moment by moment. But that is ok. Three moments from now, you may make it 1 hour, or 7, or even one day. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, and before long you have made another day. You are each such a wonderful source of support for the other, begin by writing to this board, keep telling your story until you don't think you can tell it again. Reach out to anyone who will listen, and you will find yourself supporting someone else when you never thought you could stand, let alone lift someone to their feet. Healing will come to your heart, the wound will be covered by a loose bandage that will pick and pull occasionally, but for the most part the pain will be contained. I have told you both, I did not start healing myself until I started reaching out to others. Telling and retelling our story, my loss, our love and life together brought healing to my heart, but even more than that, it embedded Bob so deep within me that I will never lose him, or the memories of our love. I know that each of you will get there in time, but give it time. It does not happen overnight. Even though its been 8 years for me, my thoughts on Jan. 1 were not the prettiest of thoughts, missing my other half, and getting tired of the "all is well" face that I put on for friends and family as we move through the holidays. But the thing is, on Jan 2, I looked back at the holidays with love and thoughts that Bob would be so proud of me, his family and all that we have done since his passing. I can feel his love surround me even when I am at my lowest. You will both get there also. Lissa, I am familiar with healing after loss. I knew Judy Drivers, the person that started that organization when I first came online through AOL. It is a wonderful area if you like live chat. I am not one that was ever really comfortable with that, and only chatted a few times. I still belong to an email group off the WidowNet group. The email group I belong to is called WidowHoods for those that are beyond that first painful area of this grief dance, and are wrestling with things like moving forward, dating, not dating, paying bills, etc. They also have an email group for widow/ers just beginning this process. There are message boards like this one, with all areas being covered. If neither of you have checked out widow.net here is the address : WidowNet You will find much support there also. Start a new topic here and tell everyone about your love, and how you lost him, and what it is doing to you inside. Let it out, and you will find that the edges of pain will begin to smooth a little. And when you respond to someone to give them that support that, yes, you know what they are saying because you have been there also, you will find that your pain will lessen slightly. I am sending you both warm hugs to wrap yourselves in tonight. Take comfort in the thought that you are not out there alone. There are many of us here that are reading your thoughts and holding you in prayers that you find some peace. Love and Blessings to you both, Lynda (bobsgal)

Dear Soalone, You are not alone out there. There are many of us here, reading what you have written, holding you in prayers and thoughts. I have not lost my parents, but I did lose my husband and best friend. We had no children, nothing left of him in this world but my love and memories. I thought surely I would dry up and die, but I didn't. Like you I had a dog, his dog, who went totally blind when he died. I was her seeing eye person and she was my reason for going on for the next 3 years. By the time she died, I had found my way online and had access to a grief newsgroup where I could share my thoughts and feelings. That brought more healing than anything else had up until that point. Keep talking about your mom, what you did for each other to make your relationship special. It is so early in your journey, that what I am going to say probably does not appear to relate to you, and you won't want to hear that with TIME, you will find peace. You will find purpose and reason for being in your life once again, and your mom will forever be with you. You carry her and your dad in your heart, and they are with you always for everything that you experience. You may make a decision about something, and will feel instinctively that your mom is behind you in your decision. It will happen, not in a moment, not in 2 days or 2months, but eventually with time. You will not notice that it occurs exactly at such and such a moment, but eventually it happens and your realize you are healing, finding peace in your memories. Sending you many warm hugs to wrap you in, Love and Blessings, Lynda(bobsgal)

Lissa wrote: I am a private person, in most cases, but I feel that I need to hear from others who have been through this heartbreak. My marriage was magical. My husband was my best friend. I'm so lost. Lissa Lissa, I am so sorry that you are having to deal with the loss of your other half. I so understand what you spoke of. I am Lynda, and I lost the other half of myself quite suddenly and unexpectedly from a massive heart attack. I am now 8 years along this road of grief, still missing Bob but am at a peaceful place in time with my life. I read and respond to this board trying to give back some of what was given me when I finally got online almost 2 years after Bob died. This is some of the hardest work you will ever do, and many/most times you do not think you will survive it, but somehow you do. I stayed in a fog almost the whole first year. My brain would kind of come to, and for a moment or so, I would be ok, then the pain would close in and I would go down into that blissful fog. One of the things that helped me the most, was telling my story, talking to others that understood where I was, how I was feeling. I hope that you will share more of your love with us. Don't try to use others for a yardstick to measure your progress in grieving. We each suffer a loss, but how we deal with that is totally individual. We go through many of the same stages, but at different times, different levels. None of us is doing it by the book, there is no instruction manual. Keep reaching out, you are being heard out there. I am sending you warm hugs to wrap yourself in. Love and Blessings, Lynda(bobsgal) Our Story

Dear Jenny, Just a quick note to let you know that you are not alone out there tonight. You are being heard. I am so very sorry that you have reason to search out a group such as this, but I also am so very thankful that it is here for you to come to. Three weeks is such a short time from your mom's loss. I lost my husband, not my parent, but I know what the devastation feels like. It sounds as if you have so much on your plate with your family and your dad. Perhaps there is someone your dad could visit for a while, although I know first hand that running away won't take the pain away, or change the facts. If at all possible, keep your dad from making any rash decisions for a while, especially in regards to selling his home. Remember to take time out for yourself in this. You need to feel what you are feeling and to cry, rant and rave, to make some sense of this senseless situation you are in. Just do what you can, and when you can't do any more, just walk away and do what you need to do to survive. I found for myself that I was immersed in a deep cushion of shock that kind of keep things at bay for a long while. When my mind thought it could take it, the realization of my loss would ebb over me like a wave until I couldn't take the pain any longer, then that blessed shock would wrap its arms around me and I would sink into that oblivion once again. It is perfectly normal to feel overwhelmed here at the holidays. When everyone else is eagerly looking forward to family get together's, and happy times, and you are at a place where you can't begin to understand why your mom had to die and how can you ever find peace again? I can remember resenting others joy at celebrations and get together's. I felt like my loss was tattooed across my face, that surely others must see it and be aware of my widowhood and how dare they continue on as if nothing has changed when everything in the world had changed for me. I can remember counting days, how the pain just about took me down when the month of September started and I could no longer make the statement that Bob was alive in that month. To put it simply Jenny, what you are feeling is normal. We each go through many of the same stages and emotions, some at different times, or for longer or shorter periods of time. In the end we hurt so bad because the person we are missing was loved so much. They were such a huge part of our life, that life will never be quite the same without their being physically with us. Eventually we come to the understanding that physical death cannot take them from us, as long as we remember them, speak their name, think of them with love, they are with us always. You are being thought of tonight with much love, and I am sending you warm hugs to wrap yourself in. I will be keeping you and your dad in my prayers that you given some sense of peace to get you through these holidays. When I light my memorial candle on Christmas Eve I will add your mom to my prayers. Love and Blessings, Lynda (bobsgal)

Hi Kim, Just a quick note to let you know you are not out there alone tonight. I am so very sorry that you lost your dad and that you have need of a place like this, but I hope you find that you can say all that is on your mind and feel like there are friends here that understand your pain and loss. It is never easy to lose someone who meant so very much in our life. You have known your dad all of your life, and from him has come the unconditional love that only a parent can give to their child. No matter how old we get, that relationship is special. I only hope you don't worry too much about how you are getting through this grief, as there is no right or wrong way. One thing that I learned in my grief from the loss of my husband was not to use another's experience as a yardstick to measure my progress. Each relationship between two people is totally unique. No one else in this world had your relationship with your dad, and how you go about sorting through his death and your acceptance of the loss is totally unique to you. We all go through the stages, but each of us experience them differently, in different order. I know what you mean about your comfort in finding a group such as this, and the relief when reading the other posts and finding out that others understand your feelings so well. When Bob first died I was so totally devastated, I couldn't cry, I was just in shock. Eventually the armor began to crack a little, and when I couldn't stand the pain those cracks let in, my mind would fog over again to give me the rest I needed. Eventually I got online and that is when my healing began. When I found a group that dealt with loss and grief, and I saw from what others had written that I was pretty normal after all. I found for me, telling my story over and over to any who would listen brought me peace and healing. Try to let go of the pain from family and friends not understanding. Many times they really don't understand, and they don't know how to talk to you. They want you to be better, to get back to normal, but that "normal" changed when you lost your dad. You will eventually find a peaceful place, and things will even out. You will always miss your dad, but your memories will bring more calm and loving memories than the nightmares of his illness. I think your plan for a remembrance necklace is wonderful. I hope you don't worry about what others may think of it. It is a wonderful tribute to your dad and your love for him. I am sending you many warm hugs to wrap yourself in tonight to remind you there are many of us out here holding you as you begin this journey. Love and Blessings, Lynda (bobsgal)

gdoty, I am so sorry to hear of the death of your precious Cheyenne, there are no words big enough to take your pain away. I have not lost a child, and I can't begin to imagine the pain you and your husband are in. I am writing to let you know that you have been heard, and you're not out there all alone. Keep writing and telling your story about Cheyenne. She sounds as if she is adorable, a little blonde cutie pie. I lost my husband Bob, quite suddenly and unexpectedly from a massive heart attack, so I can relate to the sudden loss. It is so hard to make your mind wrap around what has happened. There is no time to prepare for the loss (not that preparation really helps!), but you haven't even have the chance to mull the thought in your mind when all of a sudden it's reality. Take good care of yourself, give yourself permission to have bad days, and embrace those precious good memories to give you relief when you can. You are being thought of with much love today, Love and Blessings, Lynda (bobsgal)

Sammie, I am so sorry to hear that your friend is going through another loss. How long has it been that they lost their son? I can only imagine the pain she is feeling, I am including her in my thoughts and prayers that she is given a sense of peace with all that she is experiencing. Even though you think you will be of no help to her, you will be surprised at the level of understanding you have and the help you can be for her. It may bring up a lot of memories to the surface for you, but some of that stuff need to be gone over in your head again anyway. And remember, the tears are pain and tension relievers of sorts. Sammie, I know that you don't think you are making any progress at all, and truthfully at some times on some days you may not be. But you are getting there, one little step at a time. Don't judge yourself too harshly, give yourself all the time that you would give to someone that you loved very much. Don't use another persons grief experience as a yardstick to measure your progress. We all move along at our own pace. When you beat yourself up for not being farther along than you are, you set yourself up for more pain. That is a lesson I learned the hard way. I finally came to the conclusion that my relationship with Bob was unique to just the two of us, and how I dealt with the loss and grief was unique to me also. Thinking of you and your friends with much love tonight, Love and Blessings, Lynda (bobsgal)

Dear Sammie, Just a note to let you know that you are not out there alone. I am so sorry to hear of your reason for searching a group such as this out, but I am so thankful that it is here for all of us who are mourning the loss of a loved one. I know what it is like to lose the love of your life, it happened to me 8 years ago this past August 3. Bob and I were married just 2 months short of 22 years when he died unexpectedly in my arms from a massive heart attack. He was 47 and I was 45. The world as I knew it changed in the blink of an eye, and it was quite a while before I could understand and accept this loss. We all move through this grief process at our own pace, and not always in a forward projection. Many times there are backward steps, side steps and even some forward ones. I did find for myself, that when I got online and could talk about my loss with others, I finally began seeing light at the end of the tunnel. I hope you find that this group will be of benefit to you in your grief process. Keep reaching out and telling your story, it does help. Take good care of yourself Sammie, after all you were loved so very much and I am sure that your husband would only want what it best for you. This is the thought that kept my head above water a good deal of the time at the beginning of my journey. Sending you warm hugs to wrap yourself in, Love and Blessings, Lynda (bobsgal)

Thank you Ricky for sharing your heart with us. Your poem was very beautiful and speaks so highly of your love for your other half. I pray that you are at a peaceful point in time and that your memories are becoming gentler to bear. Sending you warm hugs from one who understands where you are. Love and Blessings, Lynda(bobsgal)

Hi Fiona, I am sorry for the loss of your mom and that you are feeling the grief that is associated with that. I have not had my mom die, but I have lost 'my other half', my husband Bob. I'm not exactly sure what all you mean by jealously, but when I read your post I thought of some of the experiences I went through. Bob has been gone for 8 years now, and the tunnel vision I have is much clearer than it was at one year or even two or three years in this grief journey. When I first came out of the shock part of this grief, I found that I was jealous of other 'couple' friends and family and their lives together. I wanted nothing more than to be part of a couple again, to have Bob back with me so life would go back to normal. It was physically hard to be around these couples, and I found that I would get really mad at them for little things that would happen. It ticked me off when my sister would complain about my brother in law and how he would leave his dirty clothes next to the bed, and I would be thinking, I would gladly pick up anything just to have Bob back. I resented their happiness when I could not find any true happiness in my life. My best friend and confident had died, and I would become angered at my friends ignorance in thinking that their life and existence together was forever, and that all was well in the world. I became angry at how they would take each other for granted, and how could they not know that it could all be gone in an instant? Weren't they thinking? Didn't they pay attention to me when Bob died? Didn't they understand the devastation I had experienced? Eventually, I began to really deal with my grief, not just stuff it inside and try to hide from it. I found a group for grief online and through talking to others who experienced what I had, I began to understand that not all of life is centered around death, and that death is just a small part of this living experience. I began to find joy and happiness in living again, and was able to let go of the jealously and anger. I was able to look back at what Bob and I had and feel blessed that we had all the time we had together, and the happiness we had was more than some ever have in a lifetime. I could see that at one time before that early morning when Bob died, I too thought that we had all the time in the world, and that is normal thinking. For a while the grief distorts our thinking and makes all those normal thoughts seem so ridiculous, but they're not. They are part of the living of life, not of the dying of it. I decided for myself that if I am going to continue on in this world I would have to live in it, not die in it. I am not exactly back to thinking that all is perfect, I know that normal can be gone in an instant. I have more patience now than I ever did, things have changed in my priorities, and my relationships are more precious. Bob is deeply embedded in my heart, and is with me always. I am proud of my friends and family couples, and listen to their bickering with humor now, not the anger and jealously. I know that one day I will be there for that friend that has lost their spouse to give them an understanding that comes from experience of being there. This may or may not relate to the feelings of jealously that you are experiencing. I do hope that it helps somewhat to know that others do and think things that they are not especially proud of in grieving. You are not alone in this Fiona, there are many of us who are just waiting to reach out and comfort and help you as you need it. Sending you warm hugs to wrap yourself in, Love and Blessings, Lynda(bobsgal)

Dear Soulmate, First, I am so saddened that you have had to search out a group such as this, as I know just how high the cost of admission is... the loss of a loved one. I wish that I had some sage advice to ease your pain, but truthfully I have none. I can relate to your posts, as I have been where you are myself. My other half, Bob, died quite suddenly and unexpectedly from a heart attack in my arms in our bed. That was 8 years ago this past August 3. The shock shut me down and immersed me in a dark, surreal place that was free from the realization that my life had totally changed through no choice of mine. Slowly my mind would bring me back to the surface of reality, and then the pain and utter loss would hit full force. My mind did whatever was necessary to protect me, allowing me to feel the loss as long as I was able, then I would sink back into that oblivion again. From talking to others who have experienced grief, I think this is a fairly normal coping mechanism, one of many that we all go through. My best encouragement from my own experience is to just take each moment one at a time, and try to deal with it. If it means tears, cry them, if it is shouting at the top of your lungs, then do that. I found the shower and the car my safety places. Don't worry about what it will be like tomorrow, or how you think you should be acting or reacting. This is a journey that you must make on your own. When you find someone who is willing to sit and listen to you ramble on and on, do that, and if you can't find that person in your life, come online and find a group that understands. Many people find that keeping a journal of their thoughts and emotions helps, others find that writing letters to their loved one is the key. There is no hard and fast rule to get through this. If there was a magic pill to take, we would all be buying it. Bob was 47 when he died, I was 45. Needless to say, we were not prepared for the death of either one of us. I was forced financially to return to work after 3 weeks, and I thank God everyday for my coworkers who covered for me, dotting my i's and crossing my t's. Even though I was in a fog most of the time, I think that working saved my sanity. Eventually I emerged from the shock and denial to handling my grief. When I finally got online and found a group of others who had experienced loss, I finally began to see light on the other side of that valley. As I had said before, it has been 8 long years, and for me I miss Bob each and every day. Life is good once again, and I have grown and found joy in living. I take Bob with me through each and every experience, as he is in my heart and always will be, just as your soul mate will stay with you. Know that you are being thought of tenderly, and I am sending you warm hugs to wrap yourself in for when the pain becomes unbearable. Love and Blessings, Lynda(bobsgal)

Dear Tatstar, I am so sorry to hear of the recent death of your grandmother. I wanted to let you know that you are not alone out there, there are others here reading what you are writing. Losing a loved one is so difficult, and trying to second guess your grief and judge your progress only makes it more difficult. It is a part of your loving your grandma that saying good-bye to her is so hard. You wrote: I have cried, pulled together with my family, talked about her and I guess that some small part of me thought that after the funeral, everything would go back to normal. The easiest way I can say this is that "normal" changed when you experienced the death of your loved one. And anyone who wants you to get back to normal is really being selfish. They don't know how to deal with your pain, and that makes them uncomfortable, so if they can guilt you into pretending that everything is fine, stuffing your emotions inside, they feel better. But trust me, you won't. I feel like I don't have a right to grieve that much, because she was my grandmother...that my aunts and my dad have more right to grief than I do. But I was really close to her and considered her like a mom. You have every right to grieve for your grandmother, your relationship with her was unique to the two of you. No other was like that, and there is not one person who loved her and had a relationship with her that was more important than the other one. We humans are capable of loving more than one person at a time, and each relationship is special. Your dad and your aunts grief is different from yours yes, it is also different for each of them. You also mentioned that you were feeling useless, super sensitive, empty, unable to concentrate, etc. All are words that I used to describe myself after my husband passed away suddenly. I thought for sure that something was wrong with the way that I was moving through this grief process, and would get down really hard on myself. My relief came when I got with others that had experienced loss and found that those terms are just another way to describe the grieving journey. I am glad to hear that you have access to a therapist to talk this over with. Just remember, no one knows how much of a role your grandmother played in your life but you and her. Keep her memory in your heart, speak of her and your times together often, and cry those tears of sadness that you will miss her physical presence in your life. This will keep her with you at all times. Thinking of you tonight, Love and Blessings, Lynda(bobsgal)

Dear Ally, You ask... how do you know when you are doing this right? i almost feel like i am in limbo .. cant even make myself think of my son .. its wierd .. people say the strangest things .. im not angry .. i cry occassionally its not even like i am living i kind of do things by rote There are no hard and fast rules for grieving. Your body and mind will do what it needs to do to protect you from the pain of the loss. And if limbo is the rule for the day, then so be it. I would not worry, unless you find that you cannot seem to move past this phase eventually (could be sign of more serious form of depression needing treatment). I would think that recognizing that you are using this coping mechanisim is a good sign that you're ok. When you feel ready, I would love to hear more of your son if you would like to share. Love and Blessings, Lynda(bobsgal)

DeftSound, I am sorry to hear of your recent losses. It's alot to carry on those 18 year old shoulders. I am glad you decided to write to the group, a good first step in pain management. You speak of searching for your spirituality, of having a change in your life. A site that might interest you is www.spirituality.com if you want to give it a look. You are not alone on your journey. They have some discussion groups dealing with many of the questions you raised in your post. Here is a link to one such discussion. Spirituality Unplugged - lost Take good care DeftSound, you are being thought of with much love tonight, Blessings, Lynda(bobsgal)

Hi Vickie, Sorry that it took me this long to get back to this group and read your post. I wanted to let you know that you are not alone 'out there', and that pushing people away is a fairly common coping mechanism that many of us have used. You are doing well in recognizing that you are doing it, and understanding that it will not lead you forward, and that by reaching out you can begin to heal. Writing and telling my story over and over is what helped me begin to accept that Bob was gone and not coming back. It was 8 years on August 3 this year that he died suddenly and unexpectedly in my arms from a massive heart attack. Like many others my first year was spent in a level just short of madness, automatically doing those things that needed to be done, and not being able to deal with feelings or well meaning gestures from friends and family. The atmosphere around me was like a dense fog, and when the clouds would begin to break, I would scramble for the safety of my foggy shelter from reality. But eventually I came to, and realized I needed to find peace with my loss. When I got online and found a grief group of others who had experienced a loss like mine, I began to see a light at the other side of that valley. That is when my healing of acceptance began. It took me that long to accept the fact that Bob was not away on some sort of trip and would be back eventually. Vickie, you will never forget your husband, or the love and laughter you had together, right now it may be hard to remember, but it is there. Keep writing, speaking of your loss to any who will listen. Tell your story of your special love, and speak of your fears that are involved with this grieving business. We all have had them, or are having them presently. The price of loving is the grief with the loss. Sending you warm hugs to give you some comfort, Blessings, Lynda(bobsgal)

Dear Emma, I am so very sorry for the loss of your dad, and that you somehow feel as if you are grieving wrong. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, you just do it. Please pay no attention to your friends, and their expectations of you. They want you to get over it so they will feel better. As a society, death is a hard subject to deal with, and if by chance you have somehow escaped having someone who really matters die and grieve their loss, the subject is strictly taboo. You can take some consolation in the fact that they are not behaving this way to be cruel or mean, but they trully don't understand. They are ignorant of grief. Your dad was young, much too young, and you are so very young to be without your dad. You had your dad your whole life, and you will never forget him, or "get over him", he is not a replaceable object. The pain of his loss will eventually ease, and you will be able to remember good times, the love and the trust. But it will happen in your time frame, not someone elses. Your relationship with your dad was and is unique, no one else had that particular relationship, and no one else will grieve that loss like you. There is no old "normal" any longer, your life has changed. It doesn't mean that your life won't be good or happy again, but it cannot be what it was when your dad was here. It will be different. One of the hardest lessons for me to learn in my grief journey was not to use someone else's idea or progress as a yardstick to measure my own progress. Their relationship with their loved one was not mine with my husband. Our thoughts and experiences are individual, and our dealing with losing that loved one is individual also. When I quit beating myself up about how I should feel, where I should be on this journey and how I should be acting, I finally made progress in my healing. Still doesn't mean that I am "over" his loss, that will never happen, but it means that I have accepted his death and my new life. Finding a group online or off to talk about your feelings is a wonderful way to help you on your journey. Somehow knowing that there are others who understand your fears and frustrations is helpful. You are not crazy, or demented. You have lost one of the most important people in your life, who knew you and you him all of your life, who loved you and you loved him unconditionaly. Take each moment as it comes, breathe when you can, cry when you need to, and laugh without guilt when you can. I will hold you in my thoughts and prayers that you make your way through this intact and that you're given a sense of peace with your memories and thoughts. Love and Blessings, bobsgal (Lynda) My Other Half

Dear Angela, First, I am so sorry that you have lost your mom, and second, yes what you are feeling is perfectly normal. The odd thing about this road that you are stumbling along is that each of us that travel it manage to pick our way through at our own pace, but generally each person goes through many of the same things at one time or another. Feeling a melt down, loss of energy and frustration is very normal, especially at only 2 months in. You are beginning to emerge from that blessed sanctuary of shock, and realization is setting in that this is no dream you will awaken from. That is a hard spot to find yourself in. For some of us the shock lasts longer, for others it is short. There is no rhyme or reason to it. It doesn't mean that you loved your loved one more or less, it is more of what your mind has to do to protect you at this particular point in time. You wrote: I feel others think I should be somewhat over it by now. That may be a true perception on your part. Many times friends and family get frustrated that they cannot fix your pain, and they would feel better if you could just go back to normal. The problem is that *normal* is no longer an option, your life has changed with this loss. Try to be patient with yourself and allow yourself to move at your own pace, sometimes forward, sometimes back, and often times sideways. I lost my husband quite suddenly, and like you I had to go back to work very early. I had such a hard time coping with work, but I thank God every day for the coworkers that pulled me along that first year. I would have never made it without their looking out for me, dotting my i's and crossing my t's. But in many ways I think going back to work so early helped to save my sanity. It has now been 8 years since Bob passed away, and I still miss him every day, wish that I could blink away the 8 years, but have accepted the fact that I can't. Talk about your mom, your memories and stories will help you and your daughter. Tears are relief measures that are important. Let them flow freely, I promise you that you won't drown in them. There are many wonderful sites on the internet to pour your feelings out to, also try to find a group within your community if you can. Many times hospice will offer group settings for support. You may want to keep a Journal of what is going on with you right now. Sometimes letters to our loved ones give us that opportunity to figure some things out for ourselves. All in all, my best advice is to do what feels right for you at this moment, tomorrow that may change, it may change an hour from now. Don't worry about that, that is somehow part of the journey. Sending you lots of warm hugs to wrap yourself in tonight, you are being thought of with love. Love and Blessings, Lynda (bobsgal)

Dearest Ally, I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious son. My heart and my prayers go out to you. I hope that you are given some sense of quiet that will allow you to get that sleep that you are desperately needing. Daniel sounds like a wonderful kid, full of life and promise. I have not lost a child, but I can relate to the unexpected suddenness of your loss of Daniel. I know that it is so hard to know what to do now, how to keep living or even keep breathing, but just take one moment at a time. Keep reaching out, find every opportunity to tell your story and find what ever comfort you can where ever you can. I pray you are eventually given answers that will put your mind to rest somewhat. Sending your warm hugs to wrap yourself in, Love and Blessings, Lynda (bobsgal)