chuckles1984

If someone had told me 5 years ago that I'd be standing here today having lost all of my grandparents and my mom, I would have said you're out of your mind, they're all healthy as a clam. Yet here I am in the mist of that fate and I can't believe what I've pulled through. I don't know where some of my strength has come from, and between it all I feel weaker than ever. But I do believe that we all have the power to pull through. It doesn't mean it's not going to seem unbearable, but somehow the will to live forces us to wake up and face these awful challenges. My stomach is in knots most of the time. Like Lea said, "I know that my life will never be the same without my mom. I still had so much to learn from her" ... But we must separate our feelings of dispair from the reality that we are all still alive and well. We must take care of ourselves. I'm more like my mom than I ever knew, and I think this is really the only thing that gets me through my worst days. So maybe in some way she's still with me... (sigh) but what an awful turn of events...

It's funny, when my mom was around, I don't care how old I would have gotten, and how much I would have pushed my independence as an adult, I would have always been "a child" because mom would have been there to fall back on. Now I feel like I've been forced to "really grow up". I don't have anyone to "report to" for better or worse, and I feel like I'm parenting myself. What a weird feeling. It's like, although I always used to think I was doing for myself, I was in actuality doing for the pride of my mom. When I got a good grade, a promotion, yada yada, it was her happiness that fueled me. Learning to fuel myself is a whole new experience, because I never even realized that I wasn't. Does that make sense? It all seems so foreign...

Waiting is one of the hardest things in life. Learning to wait, and learning to accept that that is the only "solution" is even harder. I have often thought to myself over these past 7 months, why me? Why did my life have to turn out so rotten? It's a terrible thing that we only realize how easy our lives were after the fact. I never knew how, as you say, how simple my life was until it got thrown into a blender. During my session this morning my counselor reminded me that I need to try not to analyze my grief so much and recognize that what's going on, the feelings I'm having; that it's all completely normal and working on the process is just what I should be doing. Don't be too hard on yourself about husband/child thing. Know that you will always have choices and options but that you need to sort these out in time. There are no quick fixes, the ones that claim to be are not fixes at all but rather stalling techniques. It sure is hard to separate the feeling though. The other day, I felt absolutely awful and I kept trying to find a reason for my feeling terrible. Ex. My boyfriend, my class, my job... But then I realized it was the grief. I think I've come to an epiphany. Grief is like a mental virus. It's not something that can be "cured with medicine". It's something that has to play its course. I know it really can't be cured at all but it is something that will subside. So while we wait, let's talk as much as possible and then maybe we'll know we are/will be okay. For real.

7 months, 23yrs, and so irritated when I see a mother daughter pair. I feel bad, I probably give the dirtiest looks when I see them. I just feel cheated out of part of my life. My mom had 55 years with my grandmother, I got just under 23 with her. God, I miss her. And oh jeeezzz, do I ever want to stand up sometimes and announce, "I LOST MY MOM AND I FEEL LIKE CRAP!!!" I never realized how much she was my best friend. I feel empty in so many ways and everyone tries to be a part of "filling the hole" but it's just not possible because she was such a vibrant person, and such a vibrant part of my life. Difficult times, difficult times... I feel for you Dawn.

Then Comes Depression... is right!! When my mom passed in march I had so much to do, so much to take care of, so much to think about and just let sink in that I seemed to keep the grief at bay. Now, almost 7 months later when all the "work" is done, I feel more depressed than ever. I wish I had taken some time off, but in the beginning I thought the best think to do would be to get back to it. That's a workaholic for you. Lately, and I don't know if it's my job specifically or the grief, or both, but my patience level has run much thinner than ever before, and all in all I just feel like crap. I think the worst part of it all is the pit of pain you mentioned. Lately I feel so sick to my stomach, all the time. It's real pain, my whole chest feels like it's going to emplode. I just started seeing a counselor, and I think it's helping, but yesterday was the hardest day I think I've had. I've never been depressed before... is this just typical feelings for depression?? Does it ever end? Coping is the most difficult thing in the world. It's not like there's going to be a cure, or solution, I guess you just have to learn to deal. What a terrible, awful feeling. I just want my mom back. She'd have all the answers...

Dear Shubom, I haven't written in a while either, but I had a really rough day yesterday and thought I could use some "connection" time. I really don't know if your okay, in fact I question if I'm okay all the time. But I guess if we are both feeling the same, than we really are okay, right? I lost my mom very suddenly at the end of march, and I've lost all four of my grandparents in the past four years. I moved to Arizona almost five years ago and I feel like since I moved my whole family has died. I still have my dad, and a younger half sister, but nothing will ever replace my mom. My parents got divorced when I was 2 so my mom was everything to me. My whole life, for better or worse revolved around her. I feel like the first six months after loosing her was a breeze compared to now. I had probably the worst day of my grieving yesterday. I was in tears the whole day. I can completely relate to feeling like 50% of my previous self. IT SUCKS!!!! I DON'T FEEL LIKE I'VE BEEN ABLE TO REALLY, TRULY FEEL HAPPY OR LAUGH SINCE LOOSING HER. I've been looking for a Friday or Sunday support group so if anyone knows of one, or would like to form one, I'm there. In the meantime, hang in there, we all know how you feel, really!!!!

August 25th. My mom's birthday. How odd. God I miss her. I miss her laughter. I miss her talks. I miss her opinions, her stories, her wisdom. Well, Happy Birthday mom... Can I say that? How weird all this is, how terrible to be facing her birthday without her. @##$%. I feel insecure; physically and emotionally. Everytime something makes me laugh I almost cry. I remember how hard it was for my mom to be without my Grandmother. She was utterly lost. When I was breaking down my mom's apartment I found a card she had written to my Grandmother from this past Valentine's Day. My Grandmother has been gone since the summer of '05. I thought it was so creepy. Now I know just what it's like to want to write her a note. What a bizzare turn of events in my life. I'm just not ready for her to be gone, there's so much I want to do with her. She never even got to be a grandparent! Today I was thinking about her and I just couldn't get passed her being gone. What?? Huh?? She should be turning 57 tomorrow, and I should be feeling guilty because I didn't send her birthday present out in time. I told my boyfriend the other night that I was all done. I was ready to have her back. It's almost as if I wanted to believe that I've just been away at camp for the past few months, but no. I know. Well, I think I'll have a quiet night at home, and we'll have a toast to her. What a world, what a world. I love you ma. I love you so much. Thanks for bearing with me folks, I know this is a bit scattered but I had to get it out on paper.

Aww, Dawn, I know!! I've been feeling really icky lately, like I'm so off balance that nothing can keep me grounded. Your poem was beautiful. I've found that writing helps too. Sometimes when I have no idea what to do with all my emotions I just sit and write them down. It helps to put them to words. I think I'm just starting to get over all the denial and it hurts, bad! Slow down, take a deep breath. We'll get through this. We have to, right? I know nothing makes this any easier, but we'll get by as long as we keep getting up each morning, and continue. Our mom's knew how wonderful we are, and the last thing they'd want us to do is change or give up. One step at a time hun. I feel your pain, I really do.

Hi All, I've been looking for a support group in the Phoenix area that meets on Fridays or Sundays. Due to my busy schedule these are the only days I have available. My mom passed away very suddenly at the end of march and I think I'd be able to get through this a lot better meeting with a group in person. At first I thought I'd be okay just posting, but this has really started to take a toll on me. I'm 23, going to school, working full time, and trying to get a customed to living without my mom. I've been pretty strong over the past couple months, but lately I get welled up at the drop of a dime. People are always telling me that I don't have to be strong. But really, yes I do have to be strong; I've still got to get up each morning, I've still got to get to class and do my studies, I've still got to get my butt to work and have a chipper face while I'm there. So if anyone has coping suggestions and most importantly if you know of a Fri/Sun group please let me know. Thanks! "Chuckles"

Haha, so true. You know what happens to me, my mom used to be obsessed with seatbelts. It's a good thing but it used to drive me nuts because she would have just sat down and already she'd be asking if I had my seatbelt on. She also used to swing her arm out to the passenger seat everytime she had to stop quick. Sometime's she'd kind of pumble me with her arm and I'd be like, "ma!! I'm good! You know I have my seatbelt on, how's your arm gonna help anything!" But, like mother like daughter, I now put my seatbelt on without even thinking about it, before I even start the car. And I might have a person, a purse, or a freaking piece of paper in the passenger seat, but my arm instantly goes out to protect it. There are so many of these little situations. I was an only child with a single parent so my mom was my number one influence, my best buddy, my protector, my teacher, my everything, and I'm so glad these traits of hers wore off on me. I miss her terribly, but at least I know she's inside me with every step I take.

Thank-you libby. Sometimes I have to remind myself that everything I am is because of my mom so there will always be a part of her with me. I have a story to share with everyone about this thought... Right after I got back from taking care of my mom's funeral et al, I had to move out of my apartment because they were converting to condos. Well my boyfriend and I decided it would be a wise investment to move into a townhome rather than continuing to rent. So we found a cute place online late one night, called the realtor the next morning, and although it was a sunday he said he'd meet us there and show us the place. When we got there as we were walking towards the door the realtor calls me by a pet name my mom called me as a child. It was the weirdest thing, and I hadn't had anyone but my mom ever call me this. At first it sent chills up my back and I began to well up, but the realtor was such funny guy that I was able to pull myself together and check out the place. We ended up falling in love with it and have now lived here for almost two months. I think my mom had to have been looking down giving her approval because there is just no way someone would call me that for no reason. I wish I could have more moments like that!!

No kidding!!! I used to think my mom was so negative, and it used to bug me because I'd say something and she'd constantly play the devil's advocate. Now, what I wouldn't give to hear her opinionated self once more. It makes me laugh to think that some of the most memorable characteristics are often the ones that used to drive us nuts. I was also just getting over the stage of being embarrassed by things she would do. Typical teenager reactions to parent behaviors I guess. I remember telling my mom the last time I saw her that I was sorry for being a brat, and never letting her say no. My mom was so funny, she was such a goofball. I hope I'm half that silly when I become a parent, it would make her proud, I'm sure...

Dear AnnieO, I am so sympathetic to your story. My grandfather passed away in '03, and had alsheimers for a few years before he died. I remember seeing him go in and out of lucidity, and I'd often try to keep up with what he'd say, responding the best I could, even if I didn't understand where he was going I could tell it made him feel good to "be heard". During the days leading up to his death, after we made the difficult decision to take him off the life support, we'd spend time just sitting, being with him. Even if your dad acts like he doesn't know you, there are parts of his cognition that understand you are a person he can feel comfortable with. Hang in there, and tell him as much as possible that it is okay for him to go. That was the hardest part for my family, but we knew we had to tell him. I remember the last time I saw him I whispered "I love you, it's okay to go, we know it's time" and he sighed as if to say "thank-you". Good luck Annie, god bless. -Chuckles

Dear Dawn, I know she'll be there when I graduate, just as she was for my first degree but in a different way. You know it's interesting how fate works out. I began by getting my associates, and the degree took forever to process so I didn't get the physical degree until mid march of this year. It just so happens that it was a week before my mom's sudden passing. She was so thrilled to hear I final got it, and so so proud. I'm glad I was able to mark at least that milestone with her. So I started classes today. For the most part I was okay, but when I first drove past the school sign I bust into tears. I gave myself the minute to "talk to her" and feel better. And the rest of the morning went smoothly. Shells, I really know what you mean about talking with her about stuff no one else would really be interested in. Although people ask me about school and work, she wanted to details, and I mean all of them. "How's the professor, how's the work load, is there a coffee shop near by..." Ahh, where o' where have you gone ma? Well one day down, I miss her like heck, but I think I'll be fine. Thanks for everyone's support.

I'm trying, but sometimes I think too much. I try to rationalize loosing my mom, and why more importantly she lost her life, why she wasn't given the opportunity to enjoy her retirement years. To work so hard your entire life and then in one moment, life became so fragile that her body wasn't able to hold on. I'm glad that she didn't suffer as much as people who get cancer, or die in car crashes, etc. But she never got a chance to really even voice her final wishes. I got an idea from reading journals and talking to her friends, but it's these type of questions that I wish I could answer and I know I'll never be able to. That's the hardest part. I'm used to fixing problems, and finding solutions. This has none, and I have so many questions about what's going to happen now, and what life would have been like had none of this happened. I guess that's all just me missing my wonderful, funny, goofball mom... I start school again tomorrow. I always look forward to the start, but I know that it's not going to be an easy day for me. As you know, my mom lived back east. Due to the time difference, and my schedule, the mornings, during my breaks at school, were usually the times when we'd talk. I'm going to miss her advice, her support, her stories, her laughs, everything, and it's going to be so weird to not be able to talk to her about the semester. The worst of it is that I'll probably graduate by next summer. That'll be a hard one. But I know she's watching me, telling me to go to school, to get my degree, to be happy. Easier said than done. Well, nothing more for now. Thanks for listening.

I'm feeling much better today. Actually, since I've started posting here I've felt relieved to finally begin talking about my mom, and this whole experience. I'm still looking for a support group on Fridays or Sundays. I work and go to school full time, and it means so much to me to be able to continue these normal routines. My mom was my biggest support and I know she would hate to see me not following my dreams. I miss her so badly, it's been over four months now and I just can't believe I haven't talked to her in such a long time! If anyone knows of a group on Fri or Sun, please let me know. I know I still have a long road ahead, but I'll tell everyone one thing, I don't know that it gets any "easier" but I guess I'm getting used to missing and remembering my mom, rather than seeing and talking to her, and as it all beings to sink in, for real, the overwhelming part eases at least because it all becomes less shocking. At first the grief was so strong I felt out of control and completely overwhelmed. I'm learning what to expect and how to release my sadness these days and it's really helped. It literally took 3-4 months but my boyfriend said to me yesterday that he can tell the old me is finally starting to show itself again, so that was good to hear. I hope this helps those of you who have just lost their loved ones. I know what it's like to feel completely out of sorts, and I still do sometimes, but there is light within our tunnel, we've just got to get ourselves up and start walking towards it. The denial was a big thing for me, I just wouldn't let myself believe it at first. But these things are not able to be ignored and so it crept up on me and I've had a couple breakdowns. The first step has been to admit that things have changed in not just one direction, but all directions. Good luck everyone, my thoughts are with you. -Chuckles

I've had dreams about my loved ones, my grandparents first and more recently of course my mom. The funny thing is I'm such a realist I actually tell them their dead. It's so messed up, but I often know I'm dreaming and do as much as possible for the person as well. I remember one dream about my mom where I was so protective. Every move she made I was aware of. I'd tell her she looked beautiful, I guess I'd tell her how I've been feeling. But as soon as I'm about to reach a conversation, the dream fades because I guess I know it can't be real. What a joke. This whole experience feels like one big dream. My mom was such a big part of my life and there's a small part of me that will never truly believe she's gone, you know? These people that we've lost were so vibrant, so full of personality, charisma, characterl; how can that be lost? A word of advise to those of you that have had a very recent lost, it's been four months for me and it's going to be alot longer, and I think I've finally begun to realise you can't rush your grief, you can't say I'm okay, everything's just fine, it's better instead to see it for what it is and know that we've moved into a world drastically changed. But, we will always still have them, because they are what made us what we are today. See my mom in my dreams? I see her in my face, my hands, my heart. And at least we can say we have that.

When I'm not crying, or avoiding, or distracting myself, I find I'm really pissed off about my mom's death. I don't know what to do with all the pent up energy that comes from this deep anger either. I can picture myself punching walls, screaming, and perhaps going mad in another dimension. But god forbid, I have to keep my composure, I still have to get up each morning, I still have to go to work, go to school, and live. But I'm so angry that my mom's gone. Not at her, jeezz no, I'm mad at the world, at this life, at the way our society portrays death in such a dark light that we are all too afraid to talk about it until everything hits the fan and we have no other option. In other countries death is not such be all end all, it's more part of the cycle, and in buddhism they even celebrate death days over birthdays. How strange... My mom never talked to me about death, and when my grandmother died my mom competely lost control and seeing her go through that awful pain, I hoped that I'd have the chance to prepare myself better. But that obviously wasn't the case, so now I'm sad, and I'm really really mad. Where's she gonna be when I need advice, when I get married, when I need a grandmother for my kids. She had so many more years in her, there was so much to look forward to. And to think she was just barely starting to continue on in her own life from loosing my grandma...

Hey Dawn, I took a look at your mom's page, she was beautiful, and so many people loved her. As sad as you may feel, I hope that you are able to find comfort in numbers. Someone said that to me when my mom first died, they said, "you will see over time the number of people that were touched by her presence, and it is this comfort in numbers that will help you through this terrible life change." I'm not a very religious person, at least I don't go to church every week or anything, so it's hard for me to imagine that my mom's spirit is beside me (she was such a goof ball I wouldn't want her spirit to just sit around, I'd want her to be out having fun:) but I do recognize that our moms will live inside of us for ever, and it's these memories that will make them immortal. Good luck on your journey Dawn, and thank you for sharing your mom's page.

Thanks for everyone's responses. This has definitely been a rollar coaster ride. And it's hard to because it's unlike any other grief I've gone through. I lost all of my grandparents during the past 5 years, and that was really tough, I was so close to each of them, but it was much more expected. So I was sad, and I cried, but the pain I feel, the anger I feel over my mom's death is something completely new to me. I find myself getting really mad, and I've tried different ways to release the anger but it just hangs. I could smash a 100 plates, and it wouldn't make a difference. I tend to be a very composed, upbeat type of person and because of it I don't like people seeing me break down. But talk about the emotions building inside, sometimes I'm like a tea kettle, and once a week, when it's just my boyfriend and I, the steam begins to scream and it all comes out. Like last night, we were listening to a bunch of 90's tunes, and a cranberry's song came on. Immediately I could picture myself sitting on my mom's bed at gosh, 11 or 12 years old, listening to the album while she was making dinner, and the tears came rushing out. Well, it felt good to get it out. @#$$%^ though, what a messed up world. One day at a time, one breath at a time, and we'll all find our way somehow.

Looks like we're all in the same boat, and how terrible that most of us are dealing with this at a time in our lives (the real beginnings of adulthood) when it's like we need the advise of our parents more than ever! I wanted to touch on what you said about never giving enough hugs. My mom and I had a good, but at times very frusterating relationship. It's really difficult for me to talk about this because of the mixed emotions it brings forth when all I want is to think of the good times, but it's an aspect of grief that we all must face. My mom and I had just come through a big hump in our butting heads wars when she passed. At first I was so mad that I never told her how wonderful she was, and that I was sorry for being such a pain in the butt sometimes, but I've had to remind myself that my mom knew me possibly better than I knew myself, and therefore of course she knew how much I loved her. We can't blame ourselves for the things we did as teenagers. It's the nature of growing up, not of the relationship itself. I'm sure your dad knew how much you cared about him, and I hope that remembering this will help you, as it's helped me. My thoughts are with you.

I’ve often thought that if I could just get back into my normal busy routine that I’d be okay, and that missing my mom wouldn’t be as difficult because of all my distractions. Easier said than done, since no matter how much I pile on my plate I still think about her every minute of every day. So yesterday, when I stumbled across this discussion board I realized that I had finally found my outlet to focus on my grief. What a relief! Being able to talk to people that know what I’m going through is going to be so healing! So here’s the one minute version of my story… I moved across the country over four years ago for college. My mom was a single parent, and I’m an only child, so the distance was difficult, but we talked every day and I truly believe I got to know my mom better since we would talk for so long, and about everything and anything. At the end of March my mom passed away very suddenly. She wasn’t sick, although she had been complaining about a sore throat for a few days leading up to her death. Anyway, I got a call the last Saturday in March that my mom was in critical condition in the ICU. From here spiraled a ton of calls from the doctor and ultimately a call later than afternoon that my mom had died! The final explanation was that she had contracted a terrible throat infection called epiglotitis that caused her airways to very quickly swell and close. She lost oxygen for so long that she was diagnosed with brain death. The actual story is a lot more complicated, but needless to say it was completely unexpected. I did as the good daughter should and went back and took care of everything. My grandparents are gone; my mom had no siblings, and so I at barely 23 began to pick up pieces of a life I expected to know for so much longer. I stayed on the east coast for over a month, and then headed back out here to finish school and get back to work. It’s now been over four months, and I feel like I’m just starting to realize that she’s gone. It’s as if I’ve been so caught up in everything I’ve had to do for her (final arrangements, bills, etc) that in my mind she’s still here. But now the work has lifted, and the truth can’t be avoided, and I feel utterly alone. My family and friends have tried to be here for me, but they just don’t know what this experience is like. Honestly, I don’t want them to know, because it SUCKS and I wouldn’t wish this pain on my worst enemy. My life has drastically changed and I’m running, trying to catch up, but with one less limb to hold me. At least I’ve found all of you, and maybe, just maybe I’ll be able to finally start continuing on.