I came looking for a place to share, relate, and grieve in safety. When I saw this site I knew it was where I belonged and could relax with my own pain. Tomorrow @ 1:30pm EDT. I take my sweet SassyDog to the vet so she can fly home, out of pain, and her broken body. She is almost 14, and we have been together since she was a year old. I am physically sick with my pain and emotions over having to let her go. It has been awhile that she has really been showing her age, but she was still able to get around, wander in the yard, and just be an 'ole gal'. All of that changed drastically this past week when her back legs, mostly the right one, locked up with visible pain and inability to hardly move so restricted that I knew it was time. Her eyes are so sad, so blank as she looks at me. I have heard that your fur partner will tell you when they need to go. Today I know this is true, and in her telling me it is time, that somehow makes a part of this nightmare easier. I do not want to accept that this is happening. I cannot seem to stop the tears nor get my mind off of what is occuring. I called the vet on Monday, but did not schedule our appointment until Wednesday so I could have just 2 more days with her. Her eyes tell me she is ready to leave. Her body is so sensitive she has trouble being touched even. Maybe I was wrong to make her wait so she could leave. She was such a strong personality, proud, beautiful, elegant and I never needed to lock a door when she was around. Grown men did not get out of their trucks she was such a fierce protector. She taught me so much as we traveled our path together. I knew she always had my back. Always healthy and ready to chase the next squirel up a tree. I know she had a good life tho, as we have lived up in the mtns, and out in the country where she was always free to run and explore. Several times a day she would check the property to be sure everything was safe. Ohhhhh, how she love to ride, sat in the passenger set, but really would have prefered to be the driver. People always were saying what a magificent animal she was. I cannot imagine her not being in my life. What a huge empty spot in my whole being that will be without her with me. I will be with her, holding her as she takes her first steps home. Her last earthy breaths here with me. It is hard to type but I feel if I allow myself to touch this place now, it will help me to prepare for tomorrow. Before I started writing here, I was able to lay on the floor with her and we talked about all the incredible things we had done together. I could feel her responding altho her eyes said: "I love you, I am ready". She has so richly blessed my life, and I just can't believe that she will be gone by this time tomorrow. Everything inside of me screams: NO !! No, I never wanted this day to come. God, I wish the pain was not so horrible. I wrote this for us the other night. Maybe it will help someone else along the way deal with this so painful time. within me the memories dwellof all the times we have shared the paths we have explored together the love and trust we built on the trail so often I leaned on you to hold me up as I staggered in my faith in life your eyes told me, to go on, go forward that you would walk with me in my heart, your beautiful eyes will shine and I will hold and honor your memory you shared with me your courage and pride as you walked so strongly by my side without you I could not have done the things I have accomplished you were always at my side to help me know and believe the best was ahead my partner, my friend, my trusted companion how much joy you have brought into my life I have no doubt about that Rainbow Bridge where you will be waiting for me, again to play Somehow I know that God will carry me through the actual moment of her going home........ she will always live in my heart, never more then a thought away. It was about 10 years ago this week that I had a put another beloved pet down, and I remember it like yesterday. So now, together they will both live shining their love into my heart. ...... I love you SassyGirl ~~ Billi who heart is just breaking
