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suzanne

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Everything posted by suzanne

  1. Fredzgirl Firstly let me tell you I am sorry for your loss. Secondly, I am two years and four months along in this horrible nightmare now called my life and this is a subject that burns into my very soul. I don't post anymore but I do check in from time to time. How can we not want to talk of them? They lived, they breathed, they walked the same earth each of us do and death should not erase those years. Here is something I found that helped me to explain to those who can never understand. SAY WILL The time of concern is over. No longer am I asked how I am doing. Never is the name of my partner mentioned to me. A curtain descends. The moment has passed. A life slips from frequent recall. There are exceptions … close and comforting friends, sensitive and loving family. For most, the drama is over. The spotlight is off. Applause is silent. But for me, the play will never end. The effects are timeless. Say Will to me. On the stage of my life, he has been both lead and supporting actor. Do not tiptoe around the greatest event of my life. Love does not die. His name is written on my life. The sound of his voice replays within my mind. You feel he is dead. I feel he is of the dead and still lives. You say he was my partner. I say he is. Say Will to me and say Will again. It hurts to bury his memory in silence. What he was in the flesh has now turned to ash. What he is in spirit, stirs within me always. He is of my past, but he is part of my present. He is my hope for the future. You say not to remind me. How little you understand that I cannot forget. I would not if I could. I forgive you, because you cannot know. I strive not to judge you, for yesterday I was like you. I do not ask you to walk this road. The ascent is steep and the burden heavy. I walk it not by choice. I would rather walk it with him in the flesh. I am what I have to be. What I have lost you cannot feel. What I have gained you cannot see. Say Will, for he is alive in me. He and I will meet again, though in many ways we have never parted. He and his life play light songs on my mind, sunrises and sunsets on my dreams. He is real and he is shadow. He was and he is. He is my partner and I love him as I always did. Say Will to me and say Will again. (This poem was rephrased and based on the book “Saying Olin, to Say Goodbye” by Donald Hackett.) May we all find a measure of peace in the midst of our pain. Speak of him and to him as often as you wish. Suzanne
  2. I agree it is an amazing article. Imagine what if, you can't feel this way, imagine what if all of your friends have left,, imagine what if your neighbors go inside their house when you come outside, imagine your co-workers cringe with the mention of his name. Imagine all of of those you have reached out to will not extend a hand nor answer their phone. Imagine that you feel invisible to the world and then imagine the one person who could make it better can no longer. YesI feel this despair every day. I don't imagine it, I live in it. I've tried it all and I feel just as alone as the day he took his last breath. Sorry to be a downer but it is the reality of my life. Which is why I don't post and should not have this one but I did because there is a minority of us can't find the end of the rainbow. Susan
  3. I drop in from time to time to read but I have nothing to offer to help anyone. Two years and three months later and I miss him more every day. I have accepted that this is as good as it's gonna get. It is what it is until it isn't anymore. But basically I hate life. I would have died for him, I would have gone with him. Anything would be better than this miserable existence. I am happy for those who have found a way beyond your grief and I hurt for those of you have not as well as those who have only had more painful events added to their lives. But for me, I gave up a long time ago. I function as a normal person for all appearances so I have learned how to fake it extremely well. Now you can see why I no longer post but you did ask Kay. Suzanne
  4. Wendy and KayC Don't know if you remember me or not. I was here in the beginning with you both as well as William. Matter of fact I believe William and I shared the same sad date. Many of my nights were spent on my computer with so many of you. I am so sorry to hear of your most recent heartaches. When we are grieving we do many strange things and reach out at times to all the wrong people, in all of the wrong ways. Our senses are clouded and we let our guard down. I did as well. We are vulnerable and fragile. What I learned is to love myself first and foremost and watch out for me. The only person who will be with me for the rest of my life is me. Painfull lesson yes but nothing can compare to the loss of my beloved Will. I made it through that and I'm still standing. You may not feel like it now but you will as well. It is so painful to put your heart out when you are so badly damaged already from the ultimate loss and find only disappointment. Suzanne
  5. Teny So sorry you have been so sick. Here's hoping you will be feeling better very soon Suzanne
  6. Received my copy yesterday and can almost not put it down. Each page I say to myself, yes I felt that way. I was the caregiver for my husband for 2 years before his death although I have never talked about it here. He had cirrhosis of the liver due to excessive drinking but had stopped in June 2005 as soon as the first symptoms appeared. I admired him for the courage to do it on his own. Ultimately, he had a septic infection and bleed to death internally. It was too late although we stayed in denial as he was improving so we thought. I felt frustation, exhaustion and at times not as kind as I should have been. Feelings that have eaten me alive. Trying to hold down a job, take care of my beloved Will and maintain some semblance of normal. At times I have to put the book down because the pain becomes too real. But now I realize I was not alone in the guilt. There may be those of you who judge me as he brought it on himself but you didn't live those last two years of his life when he tried so desparately to get well. This book has brought many feelings to the front although through different circumtances that I needed to face. Thank you John for writing it. Suzanne
  7. Thank you for your reply. Yes you are right DoubleJo take as much as you can at one time. This is my second round of gathering clothing and the second time wasn't as painful as the first. I'm trying to get it down to where those things I wish to keep will go into one closet instead of four. It was becoming too much with every closet I opened that overwhelming in your face kind of pain. At least this way I can deal with smaller doses at a time. When I feel ready to go there. Wendy - I know the meaining behind Steve's motorcycle to you and it must have been so hard. Tools in the storage building I have not touched, guns etc. That's a place I don't have to frequent since I don't know how to use them anyway. So that's a definite put off until I at least know what I've got. I am so thankful for each of you here. I really don't think I could have made it without your support. Suzanne
  8. Thanks Karen I am hanging on by my fingertips but tomorrow is another day. And I will climb out of this pit some day. Just a slow process. Suzanne
  9. Well my friends I am hosting a pity party tonight if anyone would like to join me. Just cleaned out another closet. Thirteen months, eleven days but what is the use of counting anymore. HE'S NOT COMING BACK TO WEAR THEM AND IT IS SINKING IN! For some reason after yet another sleepless night I decided to get the photos out in the wee hours and take a walk down memory lane. Seemed like a good idea at the time but the aftershock is brutal. Just needed to vent some. I'll furnish the whine and cheese. Can I scream now? My love, my life is gone forever from my sight. Although my heart knows he is with me it hurts so bad. Suzanne
  10. WaltC Thinking of you today. I just passed thirteen months and seems so long ago. May you find some sweet memories to fill some of the void today and hold your dear Jeannie close to your heart. Suzanne
  11. KayC What a beautiful song. So much of what we are all feeling. The missing never ends does it? And now we all face another weekend ALONE. I look forward but only because I don't have to put on the charade of life being okay to everyone. I can just be me. Thank you for sharing this. Suzanne
  12. Kay I do so believe they are still around us. It's just so hard with the physical absence but they will always love us. Suzanne
  13. This pupil is ready and all I can say it WOW. This was the most moving interview of strength, courage and the ability to take what life throws your way I have ever seen. I felt what I know his wife is facing but she does it with such dignity all the while thinking I wish she didn't have to know what we all know and what she will be facing. I myself did not hold together as she has, maybe the nets he is buiding for his family will help break the fall. It's a long way down but someone with such a positive attitude facing death will somehow give his family strength. It was an honor to be able to share this family's heartache and courage and give us the ability to face the brick walls we all do in our own lives. Suzanne
  14. This is a truly courageous man facing pancreatic cancer that will be aired tonight on ABC at 9:00PM. I have watched the video and is so moving but yet so difficult to watch. If he can have the strength he has, I guess we can as well. That I believe is his message to all of us and why he is still here for a message to each of us to value our life as hard as it is at times. My heart breaks as he tells of providing the net for his family as they will fall over the cliff he knows is to come. The very same one each of us has fallen over. I hope his words will not be in vain and be an inspiration for what our beloveds wish for us to give us strength to go on. Be it so diffuclt at times. Be sure you have a box of kleenex handy but if you are like me there is one in each room. Suzanne
  15. William I am so sorry your case manager made you feel that way. So what if you are unshaven and the house is a wreck. Some days it is all we can do to even get out of bed. They are not capable of understanding what they have not experienced. You are your own unique person and you will do things in your own time. That's okay. Some people are shy. I know I am and I don't do well meeting new people especially in the frame of mind I am in now. Will was the exact opposite and never met a stranger. We complemented each other. Now I don't have that other half of me. But that doesn't mean there is something wrong with us. Hang in there. Suzanne
  16. Miriah First I am so sorry for the loss of your father. All that you are feeling is so normal in this abnormal world we now live in. I lost my husband last March followsed by my Dad in August last year. Somedays I'm not sure which one to grieve for on what day. It is just a painful journey and must be taken one day at a time. I have not found my way as of yet so I can't offer advice but I can offer understanding and empathy for all you are going through. I know and I get it as many of those around us in our everday life can't possible comprehend. This site will help you in so many ways as it has me. Hang in there. Here you don't walk alone. Suzanne
  17. Wendy I so know the feeling. It is a pain and void to never be filled except for our beloved. Life wears me down as well. Maybe mine will be over soon and I can be reunited with my love. Suzanne
  18. William We are here for you my friend. Take our hand and although it be virtual we all walk together. Suzanne
  19. Hello everyone. I too thought well maybe I will try it alone for a time but I so missed the support from those who truly "get it". It is healing to share with each of you what others can never understand until they have had the sad twisr of fate that throws you into a world you can't recognize. Together we will make it and hold each other up. Suzanne
  20. William We play the hand we have been dealt. Shuffle the cards in the deck. She is with you in spirit and will be until you cross in your time. She heard you. Yes I had a dream several nights ago of the day he died and woke up feeling so empty. They are so still around us, hang tight to that but continue on with your life, people love you and care. Did you take your meds? Sending you a big hug (((William))) Suzanne
  21. Shelley I think you will fall in love with the new dog. Although it will not replace Chelsea all of our furry ones give such unconditional love and devotion you won't be able to stop yourself. Hearts are meant to love, even the broken ones. Suzanne
  22. William I am so sorry you are having such a hard time now. I can relate to everything you said. I think maybe it has to do with the one year sadiversary we both just faced. One year, spring has come and everything blooming with new life and our beloveds are not here physically to see it. For some reason I thought the one year mark would bring about some sort of magic of lifting some of the pain and boy was I fooled. The reality is it did happen and only those of us here truly know the anguish and depth of our despair. We can't change what has happened but we have to keep trying, one day at a time as they say. God has held us up thus far and He will continue to do so. Maybe it is like the poem Footprints in the Sand, it is now that He carries us. Myrna still loves you as much as she always has, this is only a temporary separation as painful as it is. You will see her again. When two souls are intertwined death can only separate the physical aspect. It's lonely and dark but a journey we must endure until we are reunited. Some how, some way, we will find it. Hang in there. Your friend Suzanne
  23. Dusky I have just ordered my copy. I look so forward to reading it. You are such a gifted writer and your words have helped so many of us on this dark, lonely journey. Thank you for writing it and letting us be a part of yours and Jack's life together. Suzanne
  24. Teny I am so sorry April is such a bad month for you. All of these dates bring their own heartache. You are never alone, we are here with you. Tomorrow will be thirteen months for me and it just doesn't seem possible. I'm thinking of you and hoping each of us will find brighter days. One step at a time. Suzanne
  25. Kim I so remember the pain when I had to face our anniversary for the first time without my beloved. Just keep taking it one hour at a time and remember how much Dan loves you. Suzanne
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