pwakefield

Unlike most divorced couples, my X husband and I still maintained somewhat of a relationship. I always tried to help him, because of his health problems. I did most of this for my boys. Besides, he was their father, no matter what happened between us. I am the one who paid for his expenses after he died, and my family put the memorial service together. All of this, because he had been a part of our lives for 23 years. He still maintained some contact with my family. I guess I am luckier than most in that I was able to attend the memorial, and mourn publicly, and I feel this was very healthy for my sons. My husband is the wonderful man who felt so out of place at this service. He has been just awesome thru all of this. Since my X husband had never remarried, we were...still...his only family basically. His elderly mother lives in another state and did not attend this service. My sons later took his ashes to her. I just never thought it would be this hard. I thank you so much for the information, and advice that you shared with me, and I will seek help if I think that all of this goes on too long! Thanks again!

My grief has no place to hide its self. The pain soaks thru me like a cold winters rain at times. I feel anger, guilt, sadness, hurt...just plain pain. There is really no one to tell. My own mother said "Pam, you did divorce him". Did she think that would make me feel better? Watching my sons bear this pain is almost more than I can take. I hurt for them. I would do anything to take this pain from them. I know I cant. I know we will all have to pass thru this at our own speed. They are men...22 & 23, but they are still my boys...my little boys. He was my husband since I was a little girl myself. At 17 we married. We had a son a year later, and another one 22 months later. After 21 years of mostly hell, I walked away. I was so tired of watching him kill himself. You see...he had type 2 diabetes. Completely controllable with diet and exercise. He chose to die...not just to die, but to suffer before he died. Why didnt he love us enough? Why didnt he love himself enough? I have remarried...but I still grieve this man...this father...this husband... My guilt engulfs me....