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About goldsunshine897

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    Ms. Bookworm
  • Birthday 01/01/2019

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  • Your relationship to the individual who died
  • Date of Death
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:

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  1. Thank you kayc. I'm still in the marriage and I'm planning my exit strategy. I believe that with God's guidance, I'll get out of this the best way I can.
  2. I feel so strange writing these words after reading what I wrote years before. But nothing stays the same forever in life and I will embrace this change. Apparently I was wrong about the previously mentioned relationship. I believe that I went into things too quickly and didn't understand who I was getting involved with. This relationship has become abusive and I am currently seeing a counselor to help me deal with effects and to see what my options are. I wonder if the loneliness I felt at the loss of my mom left me vulnerable to this type of treatment. But nevertheless, I'll let this be a good lesson to me to take my time when it comes to starting a new relationship while you are still grieving someone's loss.
  3. I wondered how many more years would go by before I would get to write something like this. I looked forward to the day that someone would want to share their heart with me. I believe I have finally found that person. To backtrack, I lost my common law husband to cancer 6 yrs ago. Then I lost my dear mom suddenly 7 months ago. I'm a pretty shy, introverted girl and my whole world consisted of only those 2 people. I prayed night and day for God to bring someone into my life, and its so ironic. He moved into my mom's old apartment. He's really kind, helpful, and we don't mind putting up with each other's baggage. For the last six weeks its been sort of a world-wind romance, we seem to innately understand each other. I didn't come here to brag about this to anyone. It's not my intention to make anyone feel small, only to uplift people. If someone reading this has lost their significant other, please know that if a shy loner like me, who hasn't dated in years could find someone, anybody can.
  4. Hi everyone! I just wanted to send my wish that everyone has the best holiday season they can under the circumstances. I know that some are dealing with deep depression and so I will say a special prayer to my entire family here. (I believe we're all like a family). It's been 3 months since I lost my mom, and the only thing that brings me comfort is knowing that she's in a better place. While my mom wasn't a sickly person per se (heart disease but she seemed ok), the truth is she didn't enjoy living life that much. Her whole life was very hard- lousy childhood, she lost her mom very young, so she didn't trust people very much. As close as we were she still had a wall up till her dying day. After retirement she became more sad. She had no savings, no close friends, depressed about all the weight she gained, bills, pills, no car, etc. I was the optimist who always tried to cheer her up, and she was the pessimist who told me,"You just don't understand." I always helped her financially but she felt bad taking money from me. I believe she's in heaven now experiencing true joy and peace for the 1st time. If I could have my mommy here for a little while longer, I would. But not unhappy. I'd rather that she be there and happy, than here and miserable. And that helps me deal with the holidays- I don't have to worry about my mom anymore. May 2010 bring love, comfort, and peace to you all.
  5. It's been about 5 weeks since my mom's passing. It's hard to believe how quickly time is passing. The anxiety I was feeling sleeping alone at night has subsided a little but I think I should still see someone like a counselor to talk things out. I can get a few sessions with someone thru my job. Now the thing I have to do next is return her keys to the landlord. They have finished painting my mom's apartment and getting it ready to be rented again, and now its time for me to give the keys over. But everyday I keep putting it off. It's not because I want to go inside- I feel uncomfortable when I go in there now. It's just that when I give back her keys, that means its really over. I won't be able to go in again. I think its kinda silly for me to worry about this because I took out everything of hers that I want to keep. There is plenty to remember her by. It's going to be esp hard returning her mailbox key. I take out all her junk-mail and bills and throw them away. Postal service says that it will take up to 3 months to cancel all her mail. In the meantime I don't want a stranger getting their hands on it, even if it is going in the trash.
  6. Hi BevR. Welcome to our group and I'm so sorry for the loss of your Mom. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers at this time. Please know that everything you are feeling is normal. We all grieve a little differently from everyone else. I guess that no one can really tell you when you should go back to work, because there are obvious reasons you should go and reasons you should wait. If it were me, I would just pray about it and maybe talk to a therapist too. Coincidentally, I'm getting ready to take advantage of counseling through my employer to help me deal with similar issues too. I hope everything works out well for you. Take care of yourself.
  7. Hello Jessy, I will pray that God continues to help and heal your heart like He has done for mine. May God bless your family.
  8. Hi young friend! Please believe me, there is NOTHING WRONG with you. Everything you've written about is very normal. Crying is normal, and not crying is normal too. It's harder for some of us to cry than for others. I noticed that when things in my life got quiet and there weren't anymore people coming and going, that's when my tears began welling up. (Then the phone rang and my tears went away again). It's all ok though because God knows how much I love my mom and how much I'm going to miss her. If you feel you can't cry in front of others, then let it out when you are alone. Don't force it, but don't stop the tears either. If you need to write to any of us we are here for you. You'll be ok.
  9. Hello DebFromLodi, Everything seems to be fine on my end. I think the site is working.
  10. Thank you so much for your kind words, actually you give great advice because you are here in this with me. We have a lot in common. I don't have a strong need to look at my mom's pictures like I did days ago because it is painful and uncomfortable now. I'm still nervous at night and the little sleep I get is with the lights on. It occured to me that I may have to move out of this building. I thought I'd be "safe" from painful memories as long as I stayed downstairs (she lived upstairs), but it isn't true. This whole building is flooded with her memories or rather her "presence". I don't look forward to the hassle of moving but it may be the only thing I can do to feel more comfortable. I'm withdrawing from the online classes I was taking because obviously I can't concentrate on them at this time. I re-registered for the Nov term- I'm hoping I'll be ready for classes then. I've been praying for strength and I believe God answered my prayers. It feels like I have accepted her death now which may be why I don't want to get but so close to the memories.
  11. I wrote previously that I was feeling numb when my mom died. It took about 2 days for the reality of it to hit me. I kept walking around to my mom's favorite stores and grabbing every picture I could and making extra copies so that I wouldn't be left with no pictures of her. I came home to the silence of my apt and broke down. Who am I going to talk to now? I can try to get closer to her other relatives that I never met but it wouldn't be the same- they don't know me. It's not like talking to someone who you have history with. And now I notice that I feel a little uncomfortable looking at all these pics of my mom. It's like, my soul has accepted that she's not here anymore, but the photos make her seem real close. At night I feel nervous and a little scared because I live alone. My mom lived in the apt above me so I rarely felt this alone before. But now I can't sleep unless all the lights are on and the tv and radio too. Mom and my sister were never that close so she's having an easier time with this- she can't relate to what I'm feeling. I'm thinking crazy thoughts about how to cope with this void, like running off and marrying the very next man I meet; just to fill the void. Or I could do something more realistic like adopting a pet- it would be great to have something to hold that would be comforting. I don't know.
  12. Hello everyone. I send my condolences to everyone in this forum. Losing a parent can be especially hard. This is my 2nd significent loss in about 5 years. My mom passed away in her sleep this past Thur. morning. Even though she was 70 y.o. and had catherization done months ago, I wasn't expecting this. (Why do we all say that). I mean, she had more energy than ever before, she was walking alot more than before surgery and she told me she hasn't felt this good in years. She went out shopping on Wed and she sounded fine. They think its natural causes but it doesn't feel natural to me. I wanted and prayed for her to live to be 100, but a few months ago she said that people probably aren't meant to live past 70. (Why did she have to say that) . My sister and I have been doing so much running around that I haven't had the time to stop and feel what's happening here. I haven't cried at all since her death and I do miss her but for some reason I go numb when things like this happen. I do feel the knot in my stomach but I become detached and analytical about her death. I know its good to cry and I'm really not holding anything back but I'm wondering why this is happening again. When my fiance passed away I didn't cry until much later after everyone else had finished.
  13. Hello Stallyn, and Merry Christmas to you . Or Happy Holidays , whichever you prefer I don't seem to have a lot in common with many people but I don't blame them for that. Since I've always had a tendency towards being quiet and going straight from home to work and back- I probably wouldn't have much to say right? Little by little I am determined to change that though. I'm currently finishing up my college application and when I'm back in school again it will slowly help me to meet more people. I guess that shows that I'm healing from losing Bruce 4 years ago.
  14. To Stallyn, Well, the online thing actually worked out for you that's good. Don't worry about any criticism- I know that some people have tried it and it really worked for them. It's just that there are so many potentially bad matches that I'm cautious about taking the risk. I wouldn't knock anyone who tried it though so Congratulations!
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