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smhenglish

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Everything posted by smhenglish

  1. I posted a list of symptoms of grief in the Behaviors of Bereavement forum. I know some people don't necessarily venture out of this forum, but I wanted to at least let you know to go take a look. I have found this list extremely helpful in understanding that what I feel is very normal and necessary. I haven't posted in a while. I have been on disability for depression over the past month, and my doctors have decided that I am not yet ready to go back to work, so I'm taking a second month. I have no desire to return to work. I am going through cleaning out and getting rid of stuff that Eric collected over the past 10 years or more. Most of these items I have no use for so I'm donating or giving them away. Obviously, I am keeping certain items for sentimental value for either myself or my children. My mother has been coming over twice a week to help me do this. When she doesn't come, I often go back to bed after the kids are at school and sleep all day. I know this is a major symptom of depression, and I'm trying very hard to keep busy so I don't sleep away my pain. I've been reading everyone's posts, but as I tend to isolate in depression, I haven't responded. I am feeling better today (can you tell?), so I decided to drop a note to everyone.
  2. You may have already seen this, but I thought I would just put it out there. My bereavement counselor gave me this list, and it has helped me understand what I am feeling is normal and often necessary. It is in no way complete. These are just the most common symptoms of grief. The symptoms listed below are commonly experienced during grief. Where is grief expressing itself for you? How are you coping with these symptoms? Well-being occurs when equal energy is distributed in all four dimensions. When grief is suppressed in one, it will often manifest in a greater degree in another. Physical: Weight gain or loss Fatigue, low energy Tightness in chest Muscle weakness Stomach upset Nausea Headaches Sleep disturbances Change in appetite Frequent colds Mental: Forgetful Short attention span Difficulty concentrating Confused Indecisive Easily distracted Agitated/restless Disorganized Procrastinating Emotional: Anger Depression Anxiety Guilt Loneliness Numbness Sadness Shock Yearning Helplessness Relief Emancipation Fear Impatience Irritability Spiritual: Angry at God Inner conflicts Questioning values/beliefs Lack of meaning or purpose in life
  3. "I didn't sign up to be a single parent. I didn't ask for this." Derek, I've said this so many times since Eric passed that I lost count. It sounds like Carson is an angry little guy. The visit to the psychologist is exactly what you should do. I'm not encountering the same behaviors, but I have many of the same fears of looking in the backpack. I've got a 16 year old daughter who is bipolar. She's now on medication, but since she was 14, she's been a chronic runaway, attempted suicide, and stole a car. She's almost done with probation. And I've got a 9 year old son with autism. These were both issues before Eric died, but I certainly don't want to handle them alone. Our 7 year old daughter has been angry and defiant since we lost Eric. She goes to see the school counselor 2 times a week, and we have a family counselor that we all go to. We both have a rough road ahead. Even if we find someone else to love, then we face the step-family issues, which I know from experience is no picnic either. Keep your calm with Carson. It doesn't help to lose it yourself.
  4. I am still pretty new to this world, as I lost Eric only a month ago. I have found that I can understand why people seek out relationships so early after their spouses passes. The need to have someone hold you and comfort you is so strong. My children, my mom, my friends will all hug me, but it's very different than someone who will hold me and kiss me and make the pain go away. Eric died 4 days after I took him to the hospital. We knew he wouldn't come home within the first day. He wrote me a note (he was intubated) that he wanted me to be with Ron (a man I work with) because he believed that Ron was similar to him, and Ron and I are close friends. However, Ron and I don't have any romantic inclinations. But Eric was trying to tell me that he wants me to be happy. I understand that. I just need to be patient.
  5. I also met Eric on the internet. It was when AOL was still relatively new, and we were both part of the Members Helping Members program. We would basically do simple tech support for members. That was 11 years ago. Eric and I talked for about 2 hours through Instant Message. After 2 hours we began to realize we lived around the corner from each other. So at 2:00 in the morning, we walked to our common corner and talked on the corner for 3 more hours. We watched the sun come up. Of course, this was in the safest city over pop.200,000 in the US, and we were both 30 at the time. A week later, I got strep throat, so he invited me over for some homemade chicken soup (he still lived with his parents). Upon meeting me, his mother decided this would be the woman her son would marry, which we did 11 months later. Our ten year anniversary is this December. We were planning on a 2nd honeymoon.
  6. First, let me say that I don't believe in ghosts or spirits of our deceased that follow us around. I believe that Eric's soul/spirit is in heaven standing next to God watching over everything the kids and I do. That said, last night I had a very strange dream. It was very brief. I heard and felt Eric breathing on my right cheek very near my ear. I woke up and looked around my room, hoping there wasn't some strange person in my room breathing on me. It didn't "creep me out" like my teenage daughter thought because I don't believe Eric is "haunting" me. But it did rather startle me. I just wanted to share that. I know it's completely normal, but it was strange all the same.
  7. Patti - thank you for sharing this. I have been unable to find any support groups that fit within my schedule. At least this is something that will work for me. And it will get me back to one of my favorite restaurants. I haven't been able to go back there since that is the restaurant we had gone to the night before he was admitted to the hospital, four days before his death. I will see what I can do to go, if that's okay. It's better than sitting around and crying, or playing mindless games on the computer.
  8. Last Friday marked one month since Eric passed away. For those of you who are new, Eric passed after a relatively short battle with lung cancer. He was only 41. For the past month, I've been in in the denial stage. I was there when Eric took his last breath. I was there when he spoke his last words, "I love you, Sarah." It all seemed like a really bad dream. I have been able to say the words that he's gone, but the grieving hadn't begun. It still just seemed like he was on a trip. I washed his clothes and hung them up in the closet. I haven't moved his toothbrush. I haven't changed his pillowcase because I'll lose his scent. A week ago, the anger began. A few days later, depression set in. I finally understand what you all mean by the unbearable pain. I've been clinically depressed my entire adult life, and have been on anti-depressants for the past 12 years. My doctor asked if I needed to increase my medications. I told him that I'll stay with my current dosage because the depression part is still manageable. But the pain in my heart, in my soul, in my gut, is absolutely unbearable. How can I live with this for years like some of you have? I don't want this. I want to go back to denial. I want to go back to anger. I have no patience for my children, which is so horrible because patience is exactly what is necessary for Hunter (age 9) who has autism. Sallianne (age 7) was Daddy's girl, so her feelings of neglect are only compounded by the fact that I just want to sit in my room and cry. I have signed her up for Big Brothers / Big Sisters in the hopes that she will get the attention she so needs. Gloriana (age 16) has wrapped herself in her teenage world. She tries to help me with the kids, but she suffers from severe lack of motivation mostly because of her age. Little things keep popping up, and my first thought is that Eric would love this. Eric was very much into pop culture. When Pavarotti died, Eric would probably woken me up with the news. This morning when I read the article about Tommy Lee's and Kid Rock's fight at athe MTV awards, I began to email it to Eric... only to remember that he isn't there to receive it. I can't just email it to someone else, because no one else cares about it. I miss him. This pain is excrutiating. I want him back. I want him to help me raise his children. I want him to walk his daughters down the aisle. I want him to clean up the cat vomit, and squish the bugs for me. I want to hear him yell at Gloriana for being on the phone all night. I want him to hold me and make the pain go away.
  9. Chances are the people around you already see her as someone with a serious problem. Talk to the people that are close to you and let them know how this is hurting you. Often times they will "circle the wagons" around you to try to protect you from outside harm.
  10. Thank you both. Derek, I appreciate all of your posts. You always have wonderfully inspirational things to say to everyone. Marty - I have been in contact with a counselor from HOV, and unfortunately, she is unable to do evenings. I work during the week, and as the sole income, I try to stay at work as much as possible, especially since I have to take off so much time for our autistic son. I will check out your site. I appreciate it.
  11. I've been having some really serious trouble with my 7 year old daughter. She's been acting out horribly, and I don't have the patience or strength to deal with her. She was a daddy's girl. I wasn't sure at first that she understood the whole concept of death, but in the midst of the temper tantrum last night, she screamed at me that Daddy's not here. This was after she hit her 8 year old brother for not letting her play his keyboard, spit on me for trying to get her to brush her teeth, bit her 16 year old sister for trying to restrain her from hitting her brother again. I'm just lost. I'm trying very hard not to lash out, not to scream. I find myself angry with Eric for leaving me with this. I don't want to do this alone.
  12. Loren - I know what you mean about going through the memorial service without tears. I felt like I didn't really miss him (my husband passed 4 1/2 weeks ago. I'm glad you are able to make tiny little jokes (like the one about "Daddy"). That will help you in the end. I am glad you finally broke down. I think once you get past the denial stage, the healing might be able to begin. I still haven't gotten through to that stage. To me, it still feels like he's away on a business trip, or something. Please try to keep your humor, and enjoy the time with your boys. They miss their dad too and it helps to cry together. Sarah
  13. To add to Derek's message that God never gives you more than you can handle... Think of this, perhaps God knows you are stronger than you realize? In the past year, my life has been in constant turmoil. Starting in July 2006, my teenage daughter attempted suicide, my son was diagnosed with autism, my husband was diagnosed with lung cancer, my daughter then got pregnant and 4 months later lost the baby, then my husband passed away. Every time something more would happen, I would ask God, "how much more can I take?" Interestingly enough, I would get calmer with each dilemma. God will take care of you. You just need to let him. Make sure you're eating and getting enough rest (at least that's what everyone keeps telling me). I know... easier said than done. Let God know that you are hurting. He won't change what has already happened, but He can ease your pain.
  14. Suzanne - I'm horribly sorry... I realized as I read your response to mine that I took your story and made it about me. That wasn't my intention when I posted, but in retrospect, I was being very selfish. Please accept my sincere condolences for the loss of your husband, and the impending loss of your father. I can't give you much encouragement because I'm way too raw to see anything past my own issues. But I do understand how you are feeling, and how devestating it will be to lose your father so shortly after losing your husband.
  15. karen - I think you were right on. The shock is beginning to wear off and I'm falling apart at the seams. I'm breaking down all the time. I picture him leaning back in his desk chair watching TV with the cat on his lap. My mother has been going through cupboards and pantry getting rid of things that none of us will eat, but they were items he liked. The flowers from the memorial service are starting to die. In regards to feeling like I can't be alone, I think I've figured out the remedy for that... (this is meant to be humorous, so don't take me seriously) My ex-husband has been telling me how much he wants to get back together with me. I've been thinking that if I'm going to have a rebound relationship, he'd be the perfect person to have that with! That way I won't be hurting some nice guy who doesn't deserve it.
  16. Suzanne - I know exactly what you mean. My husband passed away 4 weeks ago after a brief illness. This happened 2 weeks after my daughter had a 2nd trimester miscarriage. My father is now dealing with cancer. Everything around me is just reeling. I'm the type of person who isolates when depressed. So I honestly expected no one to understand. I have found I have a lot of wonderful friends where I didn't expect them. I just recently joined this group, and I haven't had much experience with this grief (less than you), but I know from experience on other support forums that the friends you will find here will keep you together when you most need it.
  17. Hi. I just lost my husband Eric 2 weeks ago. We were married for almost 10 years, and he was diagnosed with lung cancer in December. He still wanted to fight right up to the end. We have two young children, and a teen from my previous marriage who he has helped me raise. I'm not sure how I'm doing right now. My eyes hardly misted during his memorial service. Occasionally, a very self-centered thought crosses my mind and I tear up, like that I won't be receiving any star-gazer lilies on our anniversary, or I don't want to be a single parent. It's like I'm not grieving for him, but wallowing in self-pity. I don't like feeling this way. I feel guilty that I'm not as upset as I should be. I have begun thinking about other men, and doing some flirting. I don't want to be this way. Is this what it's like? Sarah
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