My mom started getting sick in January 07 and on August 17th she was gone. She died from lou gehrigs disease (ALS) and it progressed incredibly fast. For the last 8 months I first just helped out, then as the disease progressed I become mom's 24 hour caregiver so my dad could continue working. The morning she died I kissed her cheek and told her you're free now momma. I meant that to the very core of my soul. My mom knew where she was going and she was anxious to get there and not be trapped in this life with a body that no longer worked. I had accepted her death a week or two before it happened, and at first I felt nothing but love and peace seeing her finally at rest that morning. It hurt horribly, but I knew this was what she wanted and that it more bearable. I was doing just fine until the people came to take her body away and something got very sick in me. I felt like a little child begging my mommy not to leave me. I knew logically this was just her earthly vessel but I fell apart when they came to take her and refused to leave her side, just as I had refused to leave her side for the last several months. I didn't scream or wail or carry on I just broke down and cried and have felt like a moron ever since for not holding it together. A while later I calmed down but felt very numb and distant. In front of a full room of people my dad threw his cap at me and told me "hey, straighten up, don't go off the deep end now" I have had problems with depression and crippling social anxiety since I was very young. I attempted suicide at the age of 14 (many years ago) and have struggled with substance abuse and an assortment of "issues" my whole life. The people in the room at the time all know my past. It was infuriating and humiliating to say the least. I wasn't anywhere near "going off the deep end" I was just hurting just like the rest of them. Before mom's service Dad asked me "so, how many drama queens are we gonna have today?" I told him I had no idea what he was talking about and he said "well there always has to be at least one drama queen at a funeral, is it gonna be you?" I went to my mothers funeral feeling like I was not allowed to show any emotion whatsoever lest I be labeled the drama queen. The only way I know how to fight what my heart is really feeling is to get angry. I have distanced myself from everyone and when I am around them I am angry. In the last week my sister has told me repeatedly that I am self-centered, selfish and mean. But I constantly feel as if anger is the only emotion they don't roll their eyes at or tell me to suck it up. Honestly if they weren't constantly telling me to suck ir up and drive on I don't think I'd stop crying any time soon. When I try to explain this to my sister she tells me "it's not only about you" but I don't think she can hear me when I tell her I never want anything to be about me, I just want to be able to cry without you or dad telling me to stop pouting or to stop feeling sorry for myself. When my sister left on Saturday I hugged her and told her I love you and got teary. Her eyes got teary as well but then our dad told us both to knock it off. I came home after that and fell apart worse than I ever have in my life. I felt like I could finally cry and not be ridiculed or told to knock it off. Not long after I got home my dad came to the door. When he saw I had very obviously been crying he told me I needed to suck it up and stop feeling sorry for myself. I don't know what to feel anymore. The only time I allow myself any emotions at all is when I'm home completely alone but everything hurts so intensely that I quickly go from crying and grieving to wanting to commit suicide. I can't handle knowing my only remaining family thinks so badly of me. I have asked my sister repeatedly to please tell me what I'm doing that gives this impression that I'm pouting, or feeling sorry for myself, or wanting everyone's attention, or that I'm so self-centered and selfish. She always says it's just how I act. I swear to God in heaven I don't know what I'm doing that makes them think these horrible things about me. I told her yesterday not to call me anymore. I can't handle being told how horrible I am anymore. I can't handle them calling me selfish and mean. If I were half as selfish as they seem to think I am I surely would not have taken care of our dying mother every single day for the last many months. Sorry this is so long with it being my first post and all, I just don't know what else to do or feel or think. I really am not this horrible selfish mean person.
