Nathans_sister

I lost my dad due to stage 4 lung cancer almost a year ago. We took him to the hospital on Saturday October 29, 2011 because we thought he was having a reaction to the new chemo that they had put him on that wednesday. At the ER they told us that my dad's heart rate was in the 200's and that it was a sign of congestive heart failure. They admitted him to the hospital, and he was put in a private room that night. The morning of October 30, 2011 they had put him on a continuous positive air machine. My dad had signed a DNR and the air machine was the only way of not violating the DNR. One of the doctors told us that if he was us he would remove the air machine and let my dad pass. We had the air machine removed and by 7:40 that night he passed away. I can't believe how difficult life has been without my dad. My sister was 7 months pregnant with twins, and the doctor told her not to grieve for my dad until 6 months after she gave birth. My dad only got to know 2 of his 4 grandkids. I haven't really got to grieve for my dad because I have been helping my sister raise her twins.

Dad went to the doctor yesterday for the results from all the tests that were ran (CT, PET Scan, MRI, X-rays, etc) and the results were not good. Stage 4 lung cancer that has spread to the lymph nodes in his chest and to his bones. The doctor is going to put in a VAD port today, and starts Chemo on tuesday.

For the past month the doctors have been treating my dad for pneumonia. He went to the ER because he was running a fever of 102 and they did an x-ray and told him that there was a spot on his lung, then prescribed antibiotics. A few weeks later he was put on more antibiotics. On August 31 my dad and I was outside getting ready to go somewhere. He started coughing up blood. I told him that he was going to hospital to get checked out. The ER did x-rays and told him that the spot had spread and that if it was pneumonia the antibiotics would have cleared it up. The ER decided to admit him to oncology. This morning they did a scope procedure (tube down his throat)and got some of the mass. The doctor that performed the test said that he is 95% certain that it is lung cancer. We will know the results probably on Monday. The doctor said that it has spread to his lymph nodes. Please pray for my dad. He is only 47 years old. We lost my youngest brother on May 25, 2007.

My older brother's son was born June 24, 2010 (Which is also my older brother's birthday). It got me to thinking about my little brother, about how he never got to meet our neice and nephew; that they will only know their uncle is through other people's memories; they will only have other people beliefs that he would have loved them or loved to meet them. I also got to thinking about what Ryan's (Ryan Dean Underwood: the Dean part is my little brother's middle name) life could be like AND all the things that people want for Ryan, but wonder will he have a full life like graduation from high school, a wife, kids, etc or whether something like what happened to my little brother could possible do the same to my nephew. I guess that old stupid saying is true "The best laid plans of mice and men..."

As promised here are the pictures

I got some news that you could have knocked me over with a feather when I heard it. My grandfather, who married a rich woman the year my little brother was born AND who happens to be the most tight-fisted person you could meet when it comes to money, call my parents a few days before Halloween and told us that he would pay for my little brother's tombstone and we could put anything we wanted on without his opinion. Can you imagine my surprise? That is perhaps one the most nicest and thoughtful things he has ever done for my family. When the tombstone is put in place I will post a photo of the tombstone.

Read a story on the internet that is so close to what happen to my brother and it makes my family wonder did we make the right choice. Here is the following story: Man declared dead feels 'pretty good' Mon Mar 24, 10:09 AM ET Four months after he was declared brain dead and doctors were about to remove his organs for transplant, Zach Dunlap says he feels "pretty good." Dunlap was pronounced dead Nov. 19 at United Regional Healthcare System in Wichita Falls, Texas, after he was injured in an all-terrain vehicle accident. His family approved having his organs harvested. As family members were paying their last respects, he moved his foot and hand. He reacted to a pocketknife scraped across his foot and to pressure applied under a fingernail. After 48 days in the hospital, he was allowed to return home, where he continues to work on his recovery. On Monday, he and his family were in New York, appearing on NBC's "Today." "I feel pretty good. but it's just hard ... just ain't got the patience," Dunlap told NBC. Dunlap, 21, of Frederick, said he has no recollection of the crash. "I remember a little bit that was about an hour before the accident happened. But then about six hours before that, I remember," he said. Dunlap said one thing he does remember is hearing the doctors pronounce him dead. "I'm glad I couldn't get up and do what I wanted to do," he said. Asked if he would have wanted to get up and shake them and say he's alive, Dunlap responded: "Probably would have been a broken window that went out." His father, Doug, said he saw the results of the brain scan. "There was no activity at all, no blood flow at all." Zach's mother, Pam, said that when she discovered he was still alive, "That was the most miraculous feeling." "We had gone, like I said, from the lowest possible emotion that a parent could feel to the top of the mountains again," she said. She said her son is doing "amazingly well," but still has problems with his memory as his brain heals from the traumatic injury. "It may take a year or more ... before he completely recovers," she said. "But that's OK. It doesn't matter how long it takes. We're just all so thankful and blessed that we have him here." Dunlap now has the pocketknife that was scraped across his foot, causing the first reaction. "Just makes me thankful, makes me thankful that they didn't give up," he said. "Only the good die young, so I didn't go." Here is what happened to my brother: On the last day of school he has gone over to a friend's house with his girlfriend and rode back with his girlfriend on the bike handle's. He came into the house and asked my dad to get some of his pain pills (my little brother's prescription pain pills) and told my dad to wake him up when dinner was ready. We knew that my little brother was hurting really bad by the look in his eyes. My little brother was not one to admit to pain. He was a healthy young man. He took weight lifting, lifetime sports, and autobody for his senior year. He was training with a marine recruiter (my little brother was the only one able to keep up with the marine recruiter, out of eight guys; they ran 5 miles stopping every quarter mile to do exercises). All he had to do was lose 25 pounds to be able to join the marines. My little brother was mainly muscle. When we went to wake him up we noticed that he would exhale and not breathe back in for 14 seconds. We just thought that he was congested up so we took turns sitting with him; we would count to 14 seconds then jar him to get him to breathe. This was about 6pm, and we couldn't get him to wake up no matter how hard we jarred him. Finally about midnight we couldn't get him to breathe so we called for ambulance, they took him to the hospital when we got there they were working on him and told us that they had to restart his heart a couple of times on the way to the hospital which is about 5 minutes away. About 1 in the morning the hospital tells us that they have to send him to Springfield, MO by helicopter. When we got to Springfield (we had to drive 2 hours) they told us that he might be brain dead, and that they had to restarted his heart several times. Finally he was admitted to the ICU. They had a respirator breathing for him. We sat with him as long as we were allowed. They told that they were going to do brain function tests a couple of times a day. The first one showed that he had brain function, the second one showed that his brain function had decreased some and that his brain was swelling. About that time the nurses started hounding my family about Organ Donation. I remember I got so angry because he was not dead and thinking that he could still recover, that miracles happen everyday. On Friday morning May 25 about 10 am the doctor had my family gather together and told all of us that my little brother was declared legally brain dead at 9:19 am and then told us that if we didn't do organ donation that his brain would swell and push down his spinal cord causing a massive heart attack. The nurses showed us where Nathan had signed up for organ donation at the national register in November. He never told us. After he was declared brain dead and organ donation was to be done it seemed like the nurses and doctors were doing more to keep his organs good then before he was declared brain dead. The head of the organ donor program asked my family to come into a little room, he had a piece of paper and started asking us which organs to use, could they use his tissues, his eyes, his bones and I remember thinking the doctors just told us that Nathan was gone and here these vultures were wanting to take pieces of him. One of the things I still can't wrap my mind around is that after he was declared brain dead I was sitting at his bedside and it looked like he was breathing and he felt warm to the touch. I know that it was because of the machines but it still looked like he was just sleeping. So my question is did we make the right choice?

I have a question that I could really use some answers on. My brother who passed away May 25, 2007; his birthday is April 17. I have no clue what to do. Do I celebrate his birthday, mourn him and the life that he is longer living,or what. I know that it is going to be hard on me and my family. Because it hasn't been even a year since he's been gone.

Looking at the calendar I saw something that scared the heck out of me. I realized that in about 3 months it will be a year since brother passed away. I can't believe it has been that long since my brother passed. It doesn't seem like it has been that long. One of my biggest fears is forgetting my brother or forgetting what he looks like. One thing that breaks my heart is knowing that niece will never know my brother except through photos and other people's stories of him, especially since he is the one who played matchmaker between my older brother and future sister-in-law.

Looking at the calendar I saw something that scared the heck out of me. I realized that in about 3 months it will be a year since brother passed away. I can't believe it has been that long since my brother passed. It doesn't seem like it has been that long. One of my biggest fears is forgetting my brother or forgetting what he looks like. One thing that breaks my heart is knowing that niece will never know my brother except through photos and other people's stories of him.

I have gotten so tired of people judging me that I posted the following blog on my myspace page and I didn't name names: I am tired of people telling me that I am not grieving for my brother, or that I don't care about Nathan. What people don't know is that I don't like to break down in front of other people, whether it is family, friends, or strangers. Another thing that people don't realize is that instead of breaking down in front of family and friends, I go to the bathroom, close the door, hold a towel to my mouth and break down crying and screaming. I do this so that other family members don't break down crying.I am a private person when it comes to my emotions. What other people also don't realize is that family members and myself have dreams were my brother is alive and as the dream progresses he dies all over again. During the week that Nathan was in the hospital, I sat beside his bed as long as I was allowed. I begged Nathan to wake up, I held his hand, I prayed like I never prayed before, I made promises to God to let Nathan wake up and live. When the doctors told my family that Nathan was brain dead and would never recover I wanted to die with him. One thing that I wish people would understand is that I was about 3 years old when Nathan was born, so I don't remember a time where Nathan wasn't in my life and it hurts not having Nathan in my life. I am sick and tired of being judged by people about my grief over losing Nathan when most of the people judging weren't at the hospital at all during the week Nathan was there, didn't act like THEY cared about Nathan, or didn't even bother to attend his funeral.

Friday will be 8 months since my brother passed and My birthday is coming up in 2 weeks (Feb 5) and all I know is that I don't want to go through it. If it is possible I would like to sleep through my birthday. I miss my brother so much that it hurts. It seems like since he passed the laughter in my life has gone away with him.

My family (my parents,my brother, my sister, my future sister-in-law, myself, and my niece) didn't go to the family Christmas gather because of my cousin Kendra. My grandmother told us that the entire family laid in to Kendra and told her to keep her mouth shut, and told us that everything is now settled. All I can say is We'll see. Christmas was hard because of it being the 7 month anniversary since my brother passed, the first with my niece. New Year's was pretty much the same.

I am so angry at my cousin Kendra who organized the benefit for my brother. She posted a blog on myspace basically saying that my family didn't know my brother, didn't care about him and only act like we give a damn after he passed away. Kendra wasn't around my brother but at thanksgiving, christmas, and a few other holidays for about an hour; and my brother didn't like her at all he was just polite to her. She accused my family of being greedy and draining my disabled grandmother (she is disabled because of her back). Kendra is also mad at my mother because she didn't attend the benefit because it was too soon and too difficult for my mother to be there. My sister and Kendra have never gotten along. In the blog my cousin calls my sister "that whale of a cousin of mine" who steals anything she gets her fat fingers on; What you have to understand is that my sister is bipolar - manic depressive and yes my sister did steal money from my parents and stole Kendra's Christmas gift last year but my sister has since been treated for her bipolar, has repaid my parents and returned Kendra's gift. In her blog Kendra calls me "a spineless dip**** that follows in her mother's shadow" and how the family doesn't expect me to be better than my mother. My mother has taught me and my siblings to be open-minded and non-judgmental. My mother and I have the same taste in different stuff, and my mother has never tolerated my cousin's bull****. What started the blog (kinda of) was me texting Kendra to find out which of four camera brands was the best (because Kendra is suppose to be a professional photographer) and in her blog she also put "oh Miss Photography Major get a real camera and some real talent." I would love to correct her on that point because I am not a photography major but a Graphic Design Major. I also feel like telling her that any moron can point a camera and click, where as a graphic designer designs their own ideas. A friend of mine pointed out that my cousin is used to being spoiled by our grandmother, her grandfather (she's my half-cousin), her mother, and her ex-stepfather (the 1st one) and (1st one)ex-step-grandmother, and is also used to being the center of attention and since my brother passed away my grandmother has been paying more attention to my dad and the rest of us, plus she isn't getting any money from my grandmother to spend as she wishes while my grandmother is helping my family out (out of her own free will) while her mother is taking care of her two half-brothers, who one is having medical problems and the other she is in a nasty custody battle over) her grandfather passed away in 1998, her step-father (the 1st one passed away in 2002) (there is a another story involved in that my dad's has been unemployed since December 15 of last year, my grandmother had to help us make a down payment on my brother's funeral and my brother's life insurance policy has to go through insurance so the money was needed.) I AM ALSO TIRED OF PEOPLE TELLING ME HOW I AM FEELING WHEN THEY DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HOW I AM FEELING, KENDRA HAS NEVER LOST A BROTHER SO SHE HAS NO IDEA WHAT IT IS LIKE TO LOSE MY BROTHER. I ALSO FEEL THAT SHE SHOULD SHUT HER MOUTH UNTIL HER OPINION IS ASKED FOR. I am dreading Christmas because it will be exactly 7 months since my brother has passed, it will also be the first without my great-grandmother and great-aunt who passed away December 28. The only really good part about Christmas is that it will be my niece's first Christmas which is also tough. I feel like I could go to sleep now and not wake up until mid-January.

I am dreading this Christmas. I know that it will be hard. Christmas will mark the 7th month anniversary of my brother's death, the first Christmas without my brother and the first with my niece. I hated Thanksgiving because everybody acted like they had forgotten my brother or that he never existed. Besides my mom, dad, great-grandma, and me all my other relatives acted like they didn't care.

Has anybody hear of this? If any body has could someone tell me how to do this privately.

Is there any way of a family doing this privately? How would a person go about doing this ceremony?

I am having a really hard time right now. Today marks the 6 month anniversary since my younger brother passed away. It doesn't seem possible that he has been gone that long. I need my brother back. I can't believe how much I miss him and how much life has changed since he has been gone.

I really don't like how this year is going for my family. We have lost 16 family members this year. My mom has been trying to get in contact with my grandfather since August to let him know that he was a great-grandfather, she finally got a hold of him and he tells her that his mother passed away 2 months ago and that he tried calling once to tell her but someone answered the phone telling him that she was asleep.

I was surfing the internet and went to the yahoo homepage so saw something that makes me wonder and sad. It said that a 40 year old man was declared legally brain dead and 3 weeks later he woke up perfectly fine. Now it makes me wonder if my family has waited 3 weeks or so would he have woke up or not.

I really hate today. It is the 5 month anniversary since my brother passed away. Right now I am having trouble sleeping. I miss him so much. It is hard to believe that it has been 5 months, it doesn't seem that long ago. I still keep breaking down crying from missing him so much.

Sometimes I am not sure if I am losing my mind or what. I think I may be losing my will to live. I have relatives telling me what, how to feel, and expect me to be over losing my brother in the four months that he as been gone. I had my brother in my life for 18 out of 22 years so I don't remember a time of not having him in life. I can't just get over losing him in four months. Sometimes I think that if I hurt myself physical I can stopping hurting emotional. On September 26, I went to the Chapel that is in the hospital where my brother passed away at. I remember sitting in that chapel and i didn't realized just how angry at God I was until I was inside that chapel. I broke down crying there because I remember very vividly that week we spend there waiting for my brother to get better. I had never prayed so hard in my life than I had that week. My grandfather has made me really angry at him. My great-grandmother died 8 weeks after my little brother. My grandfather sold all of my great-grandmother's stuff (that he hadn't already sold when he moved her to a nursing), he sold stuff that my great-grandmother had promised to my dad and my aunt. But he gave a bunch of stuff to his step-children (they are in the 40s).

I had a bad night tonight. I ran into a friend's mother at Wal-Mart. After I told her to have my friend Chrissy call me, she asked me how I was doing and I told her that my brother had passed away. You won't believe what she did after I told her that. She laughed. I couldn't believe it I just told her that my brother died and she had the nerve to laugh. I knew that my friend had told me her mom has cold-hearted but I didn't believe she would be that cold-hearted. My family has received copies of my brother's medical records from the hospital stay when he died. I don't know whether to read the records or not.

Some days I feel like I am going crazy. Because I don't know who i am grieving for either my younger brother or my great-grandmother who died 8 weeks laters. I am not sure if I have grieved for my great-grandmother.