Loren

Anita... first let me offer my condolences. I lost my husband on August 13th in a truck accident, so it's fresh for me, as well. I only wanted to say that I, too, have a hummingbird story. I hadn't met anyone before you that had a similar experience, so it prompted me to respond to your post. About five or six days after my husband's death, I was sitting on the porch, talking on the phone to my mother. My head was bowed and I was just feeling overwhelmed. When I lifted my head there was, just out of hands' reach, a hummingbird. Bear in mind that there are no hummingbirds in my neighborhood that anyone's seen, and no feeders or anything up. In the 4 years that my neighbors have lived here, they've never seen a hummingbird, and neither have I in the year we've lived here. It just hovered there in front of me, facing me, watching me, for probably 10 seconds or more. I could just hear my husband's name in my head, softly... and then I felt peace. As soon as the peace washed over me and my tears dried up, the bird cocked his head at me for a second and flew away. I've seen him twice more... once that same day, perched on my windchimes, just watching me, and once about a week later, hovering in front of me again (that time a friend happened to be with me, so she got to see him, too). It was a very special moment. So, you're not alone. I feel very touched to have had the hummingbird visit me, and firmly believe that it had meaning (no matter what some skeptics I've met may say). My thoughts are with you during this terrible time in your life. I'm still struggling every day, so I can't tell say that I know how or when it gets easier, but I have to hope that it does. Take care and be well, Loren

I just got back from the lake house. Came home a day early. It was a lot harder to be there than I expected. I kept breaking down at the most unexpected moments. I just... well, the lake house has always been my refuge, in a way, so I thought it would be this time, too. Unfortunately, my heart has already imprinted Jonathan all over the lake house from the times we'd go there to have special weekends together and whatnot, so every time I turned around, I'd just be slapped in the face with him ... missing. It was horrid. And Daddy, God love 'im, just didn't know what to say or do to help me. He's usually very stoic, my father, and he's just at a loss. He's one of the 'get back to work and distract yourself so you can move on' people in my life. I love him, but I want to strangle him. My heart still feels like it's been just ripped from my chest; the thought of 'distracting' myself is just laughable to me right now. How can I NOT think about my husband? *sighs* Thank you all so much for your kindness. It already helps me to know that here are people that understand what I'm going through, since the majority of the people in my life just can't. And thank you, Deborah... I love that picture. My boys are cuties, if I do say so myself, but my husband? God, he was so handsome (to me)... just seeing his picture is one of the most bittersweet things imagineable. It warms me, but it also drives home what I won't see again, you know? Sometimes I just can't breathe.

For a week after the memorial service (we couldn't have a regular funeral, which was really hard for me to take. Not because of not being able to see him or anything like that, but just knowing why we couldn't have a regular funeral... God, I hurt for him) I was so detached. I couldn't cry, couldn't feel. Everything seemed just out of reach, like I was wrapped in insulation. Then, all of a sudden, everything shook loose, and the last 6 days have been progressively harder and harder. I know this whole process is just starting for me, but it already feels like years since I've seen him. I'm going out of town tonight with my sons and my nephew... going up to Daddy's (yes, I'm 37 and still call my father Daddy. I catch a lot of flak for that *small laugh here*) lake house to try and relax for a few days. I'm not sure how easy it will be, since Jonathan and I loved to go there and spend time together, but I'm hoping it will help. Also hoping Daddy will stay off my back about going back to work. He's been very upset with me for not jumping right back to work, but I honestly just can't right now. I don't know how people do it... I admire those that can, but I'm just not as strong as he wants me to be, I guess. Jonathan's company is making sure Connor and I are okay financially until benefits work out (which can take forever), so I don't know why he thinks it's so wrong for me to not go back to work if I can afford to stay home for awhile. Sorry, I know this got all babble-ish. Another day that promises to be full of emotional moments. Thank you, Derek and Erica, for reaching out to me. I feel like a giant whiner, but I have to let it out somewhere, I guess. Kind of getting angry at the friends and family around me that say things like 'Oh, you just have to distract yourself' or 'You can't let it get you down; you just have to move on with your life'. Gah. Take care and be well, both of you. Loren

Come home. Please. I know what they say I hear the words but they have to be lying to me because if you were really dead gone my heart wouldn’t still be beating. I wouldn’t wake up each morning clutching your pillow reaching for you weeping on the cat that doesn’t understand why you’re not home. I don’t understand, either. I wouldn’t be choking down each bite of food thinking that it tastes like nothing but a mouth full of s***. I wouldn’t be walking talking paying bills and writing checks forgetting basic math because my mind hitches stutters stops. It can’t be true. Can’t. I want you to come home now, okay? I won’t be mad even though the joke’s not funny. I won’t say a word about the last two weeks of hell. Whatever I did I'm sorry. Just come home. Please.

Suzanne, This is my first time posting a response to someone in this forum, and my loss is very recent so I don't have a lot of advice or anything to give. I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am that you're going through the terrible things that you are and that I hope you find the comfort you need, when and how you need it. I just said a prayer for you... can't hurt, might help. Take care, Loren

My husband was killed in a tanker truck accident two and a half weeks ago. He was 35 and we'd just celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary 3 weeks before his death. He was my third husband... and my best friend. I was a better person with him than I'd ever been alone or with anyone else. He was generous, kind, and honorable. He stepped into my son's life and took the position of father, without hesitation. We were complete together. He just... filled in my empty spots. I can't imagine every day for the rest of my life just devoid of his presence. Now that he's gone, I find myself, so many minutes/hours/days, feeling completely cracked apart and put back together the wrong way. My thoughts wander, my brain doesn't work the way it should(I've screwed up some really basic math the last two weeks... me, a person who works with numbers all the time and has always run the household money... couldn't multiply 9 times 5 the other day. I kept multiplying 9 times 6. Seriously.), crowds freak me out (I had to go to the mall a couple of times, once for a funeral dress and once for glasses... both times did NOT go well. Felt like I was going to crawl out of my skin. Everything was too big, too loud, too... much.), etc. I don't know who I am anymore, with him gone. I don't feel like me. I feel like the best parts of what made me me went over the side of that mountain with him. My heart is broken and, on top of it all, I feel just so very lost. I miss him. I just want him to come back home. God, now the tears again... Loren Below is my husband, Jonathan, with my/our boys.