DanDi98

Dear Demi, there is no way that you can blame yourself for Matt's death. He made the choice, not you. It sounds like he made many choices that you could not control. His passing was a genuine tragedy that may have been prevented. Perhaps it oculdn't have been. That's not in our control, is it? Just know that you did everything you could for him when he was with you. Dan made the decision to discontue his treatment and hasten his passing. I couldn't (and wouldn't) try to change his mind. Stay as strong as you are able, but don't ask too much of yourself. You don't have to be brave or stoic. Grief takes time and its rhythms are unpredictable. Keep writing to us! We're in this together! Diane

Hi Sandy! Thank goodness your friend has someone like you to help her through this time. I, too, feel as though I have lost half of myself and that nothing will ever be right again. Dan was an extension of me and I of him. It is do very difficult to imagine myself as a whole person again. I do know that it will take a great deal of time to "find myself" and to build a life as a person on my own. Your friend is in the same situation. She needs you to hold her hand and to assure her of your constant support. She needs to know that someone in this world is allowing her to feel the feelings that she has. The process is so slow and so painful to watch as a friend. Many of my friends want me to be "all better" now because it's been 2 months! THat's crazy! I appreciate and love the friends that I have who accept that it may be a very long time before I am a whole person again. This is what you can tell your friend. And then, just be there for her. Listen to her cry and yell and be angry and go a little crazy. that's how you help. No words can be as supportive as just the presence of someone with unconditioinal love. Diane

Hi! my name is Diane and I lost my husband, Dan, to cancer on the 23rd of May , 2003. We had only been married 5 years, been together for 9 1/2. this was a second marriage for both of us, and we were so very connected. We always said how we wished we had met each other in our younger days and avoided the conflicts that our 1st marriages brought. Dan was diagnosed in October, 2002 and we were told that, although he was in stage 4 already, there was a good chance for stopping the growth and spread. Obviously, treatment didn't work. As a matter of fact, it was a nightmere. Anyway, we stopped all treatment in February and had as much quality time as we could. I just wish I could stop missing him so much. I still can't bring myself to wash the last shirt he wore or to take his things off his dresser. Sometimes, the grief is so strong that it is a physical pain that makes it impossible to breathe or move. I am a trained counselor and I know that there is no timeline for grief, but I sink into depression so easily. Sometimes I wonder why I go on. But, Dan would never accept that as a way to live and I pick myself up and keep going. I am a PhD student and run therapy groups for men who batter. I used to be a school counselor at an alternative high school but quit that job to stay home and take care of Dan. Now, my days just spin on with no structure. I go to classes, do my papers, earn my A's, but often feel like it has no meaning. I hate feeling this way! It just isn't "me"! Our families are 700 miles away....a good an bad thing. Anyway, that's me in a nutshell. Hoping this group helps. I participated in a parents group severl years ago and the support and help was tremendous. glad to meet y'all! Diane