Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

northern duke

Contributor
  • Posts

    32
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Everything posted by northern duke

  1. My doc put me on this "Lexapro" medication about three weeks ago for depression, but it isn’t working. I don't feel any difference at all. In fact I feel worse. I haven’t spoken in weeks. Is this just because of the holidays or what? What should I do? I'm starting to lose hope, and as Shakespeare said, "The miserable have no other medicine but hope."
  2. Don't stress Deb. I've been having dreams like that for a while now too. Just last night I dreamt that my mother never really died. I spent the whole dream telling her about my life and what she had missed. when I awoke and realized that she wasnt there I felt indescribably shity. I don't pretend to know what dreams like these mean and I know they are distressing. They make the realm of sleep an unpridictable, almost scary place to be.
  3. Thank you guys. You have no idea how much it means to me to have you in my life. I love you all very much. Today wasn't a very good day at all, but you've all just made it worth getting up in the morning. Thank you! Christian
  4. Hey Rosanne, happy birthday! Going through the first birthday must be tough. My birthday's coming up and it will be the first without my mom too, but I am glad that your daughter could help make the day special for you. Again, happy birthday. Christian (The Duke)
  5. This past Friday I was supposed to have my first appointment with a therapist. I drove there early to settle the insurance stuff and learned that he didn't accept my type of insurance. I was so bummed I wanted to break down. Everything had been riding on my finally being able to get the help that I needed and being able to speak with someone, and it fell through. On top of that, my sister took a sabbatical with her boyfriend to New Orleans to witness the premier of a movie she costarred in. I had to spend three days with my Grandparents. Eeuggghhhhhhhhhhhh.......... After that herculean task was over I set up an appointment for this afternoon with a councilor at the family health center where my mother used to work. Driving there my breaks went out and I skidded off of the road, so I had to cancel. I called the lady and apologized, and she said that the only time she could fit me in would be the twentieth of next month. Eeuggggghhhhhhhhhh If there were one word that I could use to describe my life right now it would be, inconvenient. Nothing seems to be working out at all, and worse yet, I don't care anymore. I don't care if I wake up tomorrow, I don't care about anything anymore. I don’t know why, but I just don’t. I need some help, and I need it, like yesterday. Hope you're all OK( or some version of it). Christian (The Duke)
  6. My sister just told me that our half-brother called her a few days ago. He said that he had been trying to contact us for some time now. I didnt even know I had a half brother. Mom never told us about any of that sort of stuff. I knew that my faher was a jerk but I'm not sure how to feel about this new "brother". I have a lot of questions about this and don't know where to begin. Why would he call now? Should I speak with him? I could really use some advise right now. It seems that every day I wake up there's something else to worry about. Christian (The Duke)
  7. I couldn't help but notice the first time that I visited this site that there was a strange absence of posts contribued by others of my age. I know there is a spesific section for us teenagers, but no one has posted in a bit of a while. I was just wondering if there was a reason other than loss of interest or something. Christian.
  8. Thank you everyone for being so patient with me. I have been thinking about all of the crap that has recently happened and I think that I am finally able to divulge some Information. My sister and I have withdrawn from our courses at school after a very long and agenizing waste of time and money. My Grandfather could not be more ashamed of me and to tell you the truth, neither could I. I tried telling him that now just wasn’t the time, after so many life changing disasters to start a big commitment like College. I told him that I do intend to go back to school, indeed I want to, but forcing me into it now wasn’t going to lead to success. I just found out that a friend of mine from high school killed herself while she was at college. I wasn’t ready for this one. I miss her very much. I hadn’t seen her in so long, but knowing now that I never will hurts so much. She was my only friend. I wish I’d noticed something and could have helped her. My problems, while many of which self inflicted are, I feel eclipsed by a much larger one. There is something seriously wrong with me. I can feel myself starting to give up. I HATE this about myself. When Mom was sick things were bad but I never gave up. Now I feel my mask slipping off. I can no longer pretend to happy for my Grandfather. It’s becoming harder and harder to wake up in the morning. I don’t eat, I can’t drive and my mind has been drifting inevitably to thoughts that I dare not mention. I can’t remember being so ashamed of myself. I have however set up an appointment with a therapist for next Friday morning. I hope that he can help. But more than any of his help, I want all of yours the most. I don’t think you guys know just how important you are to me. Being alone is something that I’ve grown oddly accustomed to for a while now. I don’t like it but I’m used to it, I’m more or less “comfortable” with it. But you all have reminded me what good can come from friends. You’ve helped me become able to recognize when I need help, and for that I am eternally grateful. OK, I think that covers it. Please pardon my bluntness; I know it sounds very sad-sacky. Any help would be monumentally appreciated. Thank you all. PS, please say a prayer for my friend. Her name was Colleen. Christian (The Duke)
  9. Karen, You're the kind of person that reminds me the most of my mother. You should be proud of yourself, you're a very sweet woman, and you've just made my day. Christian (The Duke)
  10. Shell, To me, Realizing a big loss and accepting it are two completely different things (but that’s just me). Realization for me is looking around at every aspect of my life and noticing every monumental as well as every minute change that my loss has caused. It’s everywhere and I don’t think can ever go away. Acceptance is looking at that change and making of it what you can, sort of like starting from scratch (a new life). I'd like to say to you that this "new life" can be good, or even better, but I just don’t know that yet. I think I'm stuck at about the same place you are and can only offer you my love and understanding. Good luck Shell. Christian (The Duke)
  11. Hello everyone. I hope you're all well at the moment (at least physically if not mentally or emotionally). Things are very bad here. I don't even think I can venture an explanation at the moment, I suppose that I just need some friends right now. Sorry for not having a point, I guess sometimes you just need to write something, ya know? Again, hope that you're all well (enough). Christian (The Duke)
  12. Mom and I used to watch old Audrey Hepburn movies on occasion. We were both big fans of her and would set up specific dates during the course of a month to sit down and watch one that we hadn’t seen before. I think we had gotten to "Paris When it Sizzles" before she died. Well, at any rate I recently watched "Sabrina" by myself and really liked it. After it was over I looked over, thinking I would see mom there and ask her what she thought about it, but she wasn’t there. So many things in my life lately have involved this specific brand of "irony". The night that the final instalmet of Harry Potter came out, I went to a local bookstore at midnight to get it (it's something we would have done together). When I got there I asked for my copy that I myself had reserved a few days prior under my last name. It turned out that mom had already reserved two copys for each of us a few months before that. I should have known she'd do that. she would have enjoyed surpriseing me with it. Music, as with so many of you also has the same effect. I love classical music and always have. Mom was the only one who liked it in our family besides me and now whenever I hear a particular symphony or score I think of her and have to turn to turn it off. Wendy, that's very sweet what you wrote. I did the same thing with my mother's hair. After she started chemo she had a shaving party with all of her friends from her work. During the party, I took and kept a small clip of her hair and put it in a small black box on my nightstand. I came across it recently actually while I was cleaning my room. I had completely forgotten that it was there.
  13. Tori, I don't think I've ever identified more with anything that anyone has said to me than with what you've said in the last sentence of your post.
  14. Mrcelloboy, I'm very sorry about your fiancée. I would like to tell you that your feelings are both normal and in some ways, a good thing. To be feeling anything after the horrible event that you've been through is a good sign. Anger, in my opinion would be chief among the things that you must be feeling besides sadness. I can understand how you feel that your entire life and future have been stolen from you. I can relate. It sounds like you're making good progress through the process of your grief, even though it hurts like hell. I'm sorry. Christian (The Duke).
  15. Dear all, About a week ago I finally decided to drop out of school for the semester and start again during the spring semester. I went down to the financial aid office to settle the legal “trappings” as it were of the situation and discovered that dropping out, in actuality, was not an option. As it turns out, if I were to drop out now I would have to pay back the entire sum of the financial aid that I had received prior to starting school. This is quite obviously not an option at all. So, in summation it would appear that I am royally screwed. After this meeting I attended classes for about four days unsuccessfully. It is exactly as I had predicted. I can’t seem to get a grip on anything. I really do want to focus but it’s just all too different and hard. One time in Psychology class The Professors called my name in class about ten times before I even heard him. I just couldn’t hear him! That’s not right. He spoke to me after class and told me that if I didn’t get a grip soon he would kick me out. The following day my Grandparents took me out to buy some new cloths (always a pleasure), and while we were out to lunch, I tried to explain to them the difficulties I was experiencing. All he seemed to hear was that I wasn’t doing well in school. He explained to me that if I didn’t pass all of my classes I would quote; “Very much disappoint him.” Please understand that I very much want to please my Grandfather. I really do. I love him more than anyone in the world. He is the only man that I have ever known in my own family. But I’ve spent so much of my life trying to please him and always coming up short. I truly feel bad about being his grandson. He deserves someone who will carry his name to something great, and I don’t feel that I am that person. I feel indescribably worthless. I don’t know what will happen with college. I’ll try my best but I already feel worn to my hilt. So, what now? Christian (The Duke).
  16. DawnG, I know exactly how you feel. Sleeping has been a very big problem for me since my mother died as well, and I certainly know that the added stress of unneeded crap like an accident and health issues is always unbelievably frustrating and obviously no help at all. I myself haven’t slept more than three hours in about three weeks now. I'm afraid that I don’t have a remedy for you as I just haven’t found anything that works for me yet, but I did want you to know that you're not alone. I'm sorry, good luck. Christian.
  17. Dear all, I believe that there are some people that just, quite simply cannot be alone. I also used to believe that I was an exception to this rule and as a result of this, distanced myself from pain by not allowing myself to feel any of it. However I think that the pain has finally caught up with me. It's as my mother used to say, "Pretending you can’t smell the s*** doesn’t make it stink any less." I can’t count the moments, or the hours that I have been watching this strange opera play out in front of me, pretending to not be touched by it. It feels as though the fabric of my reality has been re-woven all around me, leaving me all alone in a place I can't escape, and (as I try) can't hide from. I feel caught in this awful place and I don't know what's happening or who I am anymore. It would seem that my identity has died with ma. I can't remember what it felt like to be in a family, or what if felt like to hug my mother. I look around myself often and seek the comfort of others whom might share in my grief but see only an inapproachable grandfather, and a sister who is so involved with her own grief she can’t see past her own nose. None of this is fair, and I've come to grips with that, but my lack of choice and company is driving me mad. There seems to be no reality but the reality of pain and indecision, loss as the way of life, and always regret. I am sorry for not really having a point here. I guess I just needed to write something. Hope you’re all well (enough). Christian (The Duke)
  18. Hi all! I've recently read the forum on this "facebook" site and am interested. In school I can remember everyone talking about it alot. At any rate, I've recently started one with the help of my sister. If this site has indeed worked out for many of you, please let me know. I would love to be apart of it. Thank you. The Duke.
  19. Everyone, You're all very right. I just wish that I had had the opportunity to think about it before being forced into it. I know I'm not ready, and would rather drop out than flunk out. I wish that I were stronger but I'm not. Not yet anyway. The Duke. PS. Please don't feel bad Suzanne. It was my fault after all! You know men.... if we're not saying anything at all, then we're saying the wrong thing! It's some what of a science I've come to find. But seriously, don't beat yourself up about it.
  20. Suzanne, I'm sorry for this misunderstanding. I do agree with Derek, and think that my first response to you sounded a bit like a line (it was probably something that I should have saved until we got to know each other better). Reading it now embarrasses me. However, I would like to put it behind us and continue from here. With that said, I would like your input on something. I have made up my mind to drop out of college for the semester (I don’t feel that my sister and I have had any time to grieve over our losses). I'm going to do it Monday and tell my Grandfather about it later that afternoon. What do you think? Is this a mistake? Nearly everyone I've tried to talk to about it has been extremely hostile in their opinion that I should just ride it out (but I just don’t think that I can). I would love your input on this matter. Please take care of yourself. Much love, The Duke. PS. If you don’t hear from me after Monday, it will mean that my grandfather has killed me.
  21. This forum has helped me in more ways than I think that I can convey, but there is still something that just won’t leave me. I still feel guilty about my mother. I now I didn’t mean to put her in a coma but I also know that I should have been much more vigilant. In the past Ma always had problems with her diabetes. She couldn’t even wear shoes at all. She had to wear sandals all of the time. Even now I can hear her voice in the back of my head saying, "You should be more careful, you should think about what you’re doing." Something she said quite often to me actually. And when I look at my Grandfather and I know he's thinking about it, I see in his face what I've seen off and on throughout my entire life. I can see his disappointment in me. My sister tries to play it off as paranoia but she doesn’t understand. My mother used to say that the worst thing in the world is a man left alone with his thoughts. I now know that to be horribly true. I carry around my guilt all of the time and think about it all of the time, but it's the worst when I'm alone. I can almost feel her there, looking at me with that look I see on my Grandfather's face, saying "You should have paid attention." She would have finished her chemo treatments and have been cured if it weren’t for me (living with that fact is the worst thing of all). I haven’t gone to sleep in a week and medicine isn’t helping, I'm also experiencing a lack of hunger and thirst, also I've had the worst social anxiety I've ever experienced in the past months. I can’t drive or even go out for walks anymore. I’m generally alone most of the time and while reading dose help often, it's beginning to lose its effect. Please, is there anything wrong that I'm overlooking? Is there something that I can do? I don’t know. Thank you all. The Duke.
  22. Alonelynobody, The thing that I found the most surprising and the most appalling after my mother died was the horrible callousness and general rudeness and spite of the people around me. One would think that after such a horrible life-altering event, that people would be overly kind, not overly rude or even evil. You shouldn’t have to put up with such wretched remarks, and I must say; I am completely blown away by them (your dad sounds like my Grandfather). I have never heard of such cruelty. With that said, I am overjoyed that you have turned to this community. Seek here the compassion that is sorely lacking in your life, and know that you have nothing to be ashamed of. I am deeply sorry to hear of your mother's death. Good luck with your family, and much love. The Duke
  23. Suzanne, Thank you for your reply. I was starting to panic. I've never really had a way with words and can understand where you're coming from. You must feel very fragile right now. With that said, I would very much like to help you in any way that I can. Please let me know if I can. Much luck and love, The Duke
  24. Only Child, First of all, I am so sorry to her about your mother and can sympathies with your feelings of guilt. However, I think it's important to realize that you're putting yourself under a lot of undeserved pressure. I used to have a lot of problems with faith before and after my own mother died and kept feeling that I didn’t do enough for her. It took me a long time to figure out that it wasn't me who was causing the feelings of guilt. It was my faith. Please don’t get me wrong, I commend your faithfulness to your religion and think that it is a thing sorely lacking in the world today (you should be proud). I think it is extremely important to have faith these days, especially when going through a horrible loss. It is quite obvious that you love your mother and did everything possible to help her in her final days. That’s all anyone can and should ask of you in these trying times. I believe God knows how much you love your mother and will take care of her, and I don’t think quantity of prayers is more important than quality. With that said, I think your mother will be taken care of. I may have not prayed very often in the hospital as my mother was dying but I do believe that God knew how much I loved her and took care of her. Please don’t feel guilty. I wish you much love. The Duke
×
×
  • Create New...