Only Child

Dear Karen - Since I'm relatively new here, I'm still getting to know everyone. But I think you deserve such applause - kudos - congratulations - and a big hug, too! You have your plate full with some heartwrenching situations in life and are handling them so well - as it sounds Danny is, too! Of course, prayers from all us and Only Child, too!

It's so funny you mention that. Mom and I both loved music. I grew up listening to whatever good music station she tuned in to, and she taught me all the songs that went back to her time (at age 99 that's WAY back) but they were beautiful. Sometimes, our market would have Sinatra music playing. Mom was alive at home with an Aide but as I walked the market aisles, that Sinatra music got to me, for some surprising, unknown reason, grabbing me and reminding me of Mom with a real heart-tugging sentimental feeling. This week, I heard it again, now that she was gone...and you know it hurt. To top it all, I loved to sing and would often serenade Mom in her bed. We filmed a DVD in July/August of me singing anything going back to Mom's time that would trigger a memory. She'd sing with me! And at the end of so many songs, she'd say phrases like "oh, that was beautiful" as I believe she recalled the songs of long ago. One was more in our memory time frame ( ). Saturday, I saw a rainbow here and recalled Mom and I singing that just weeks before. When I visit her grave, I always sing, the Italian song, " - as I often did. *insert lump in throat here* Only Child

My family members (cousins who were nieces and nephews of my Mom) made the effort to be at her wake and/or her funeral, and I was touched since they all live in various states. But tonight, one of those cousins got "catty" - for lack of a better description. As she went on about Mom's personality, etc., I told her not to say anything "negative" when Mom wasn't here to defend herself. To which she added such a derogatory remark about my mother - her aunt - that I said, "This conversation is ended" and hung up. Tonight, I was proud of myself - for Mom's sake. Gone less than a month, and her niece insults her to shreds to me, the daughter, in mourning. I think Mom would have been proud of me tonight, too - not to mention furious with my cousin. It's amazing. She wouldn't have breathed her remarks to Mom's face if Mom were alive! God Bless Mom's Soul, Only Child

I've read and heard about family members who become angry with the deceased - just for leaving. But my anger isn't that. I've been off the wall emotionally, of late. At the beginning, I was fine after Mom passed away. But her funeral was messed up, and now I'm realizing that while I miss my Mother dreadfully, my grief is lack of closure. I was forced to leave her behind, without the requested gravesite service. Mom wasn't buried until three hours later - alone - with no family member around - and I don't know even how reverently it was done. Everyone involved is blaming someone else but I'm thinking the cemetery is at fault...Some of my friends are saying the funeral director should have had a handle on everything but I'm hearing too many different remarks from the cemetery. Plain and simple, the grave wasn't ready despite four days' notice. But they got Cashier's Check - required - up front. They're blaming vault company but I'm getting worse and understanding that "lack of closure" expression more now. I'd be mourning my Mom, missing her - but this is a different feeling. The anger is constant, and I'm driving everyone around me nuts. But I should never have left my Mom without seeing her at the grave. She wouldn't have left me, that's for sure. And I can never have a "redo". Everyday, it kills me a little. She's the only one buried in the family grave who didn't have some family member there at the grave. And I can't do a thing about it - while fighting to at least get the money back from cemetery. It's like paying for a Mercedes, getting a Chevy - and not being allowed to drive it away. Angry and Emotionally Destroyed

Dear Maury - My sincerest condolences on losing your fiancee. While I'm told that anger is a normal emotion some time after losing a loved one - even when they had nothing to do with their death - it doesn't sound like she's to blame. I'd be angry, too, if I'd found someone special - and felt I'd lost my future with them. My grief is relatively recent - and my anger is pointed more at those who kept me from finding closure at the end. I'm only just learning that the past couple of days. I can only hope that you, too, will come to some realizations that your fiancee loved you too much to have given up her future with you, as well. God Bless You

Mom's gone three weeks tonight. I'm coming to terms slow but sure but am feeling so guilty tonight about her last day/hours. I can only remember one question I asked her all day. I was busy on phone asking docs/nurse/family if I should bring her to hospital, etc. Mom had more attention from Aide than me, and I realized it - I wasn't doing it deliberately but now I'm beating myself up. My best friend, my Mom - she would have been at my side all day comforting me and consoling me - I can't remember anything but asking if she wanted to go to hospital. I only remember her tapping the top of my hand with her nails. Nothing else but her breathing and eyes slowly closing. What's wrong with me? I wasn't afraid of being near her at the end - I WANTED to be there for her. Why did I fail her when she needed me most? Funeral was botched up, too, and I feel I should have done things differently - both issues can never be resolved. She was so dear to me. Hard time living with it and hating myself more than words can say. Only Child

I tried going to a local grief counseling group - who was very nice and extended themselves but I don't think they can help me. My problem is beyond the physical loss of my Mom - it's more spiritual. Though I do miss her being in the next room - Oh, how I miss looking in to see if she's okay - or just saying, "I love you, Mama". I so miss her saying, "God bless you," with me answering, "God bless you more"....Oh, God, how I miss saying that to my Mama. Everyone seems to have the happy answer. They're no longer in pain, they're at rest, they're an angel in heaven....None of these were said tonight - but overall I was probably considered wrong in their estimation. I believe in heaven, purgatory and hell. I know Mom was a good woman but I've been tormented by her soul's whereabouts...How can anyone help me except with the trite answers? Missing Mama Tonight, Only Child

Dear Dawn - I really feel for you. It's only been two weeks since I buried my Mom, and already I've been told that I'm "draining" the people around me. Well, tough! I'm in mourning, just like you, and it's raw. And I've been a caregiver for five years, with Mom in hospital bed for the past year and a half - and some of my family told me I couldn't handle this...Well, I did, even as I watched my Mom bleed out this summer. Nobody knows what I've seen unless they were here...Few were. Dawn, there apparently will come a time when, if we don't "move on", as they say, our best supporters will move on without us. And the bad luck - either resulting from stress or too many things hitting at once - will seem even worse because it seems to have started when we lost our loved one. Some people manage their emotions quietly, unseen - or have none. But please don't talk about bad luck - You're in a stressfully emotional time of your life. Some things are just a result of the stress. And some things coincidentally have just followed the worst luck you had - losing a loved one. If I were you, I'd continue to reach out - perhaps without tears - to anyone you think will listen. And always here. Wishing I could say something that would console you- God Bless You, Only Child

It's only less than two weeks since Mom passed away. I now have to deal with my father (though my parents were divorced) going through what seems to be serious health problems. Just released from hospital to nursing home with doctor's recommendation for Hospice. Enough said. Another funeral in the future but the doc can't give me idea of how much time we're talking - and it could go on long for all I know. I'd just finished emptying Dad's apt. before Mom died - and trying to get him onto Medicaid - now finding it's not done, and I'm still rushing for paperwork. It's almost too much - but my reason for posting is how long before you get back to "normal"? Aside from getting the medical equipment out of the house, I can't do housework, and my house is in shambles. I will have to seek work in a few months - the caregiving is done, but the bills aren't. I'm so tired and, of course, just beginning the grieving process - got as far as the Thank You cards. How do you pick yourself up and do things? Housework, food shopping? I was a workaholic before. Now, I just want to sit or rest or mostly - talk to people - just talk to people. And I'm wearing my friends and family out - been told so, and it hurts, but I do understand. What have you done in the early stages to get yourself moving again? How do you get past the exhaustion, if not the grief?

Dear Duke: I had read your post when I first joined the group - guess there was little I could say to ease your feelings. Until today. My Mom was on a feeding tube since last year, and I became even her nurse learning about feeding, medicating and hydrating through the tube...She could swallow but refused. Mom passed away less than two weeks ago with pneumonia listed as the cause. There was alot of congestion in her the last day of her life. Ironically, last week my father required a feeding tube. Today, at nursing home, I discussed his hydration and based on what he's getting, I'm getting the impression that Mom may have gotten a tad too much water in later weeks - on doc's orders - but upping the cc's of hydration plus added water following meds as prescribed, I now wonder did we cause the congestion? I know we followed orders, and Mom had serious other problesm, but can't help but sympathize with you now - and I just had to post.

I just lost my Mom last week. I'm freaking out also - crying not because she's dead. It was expected. I miss her MUCH but based on my religious convictions, I'm not confident if I helped her prepare for death in the religious sense prior to her death. I go out of my mind in tears asking God where she is, to please show me a sign that she is safe and on her way to Heaven. Losing it, Only Child

Please don't feel bad at crying when your Mom's body was taken away. Last week, my Mom died at home. In recent weeks, she had developed what was considered capsulitis, which made the shoulder stiff and difficult to change her for fear of hurting her. When I sat next to her dead body on the bed, I found myself lifting the arm up and down telling people to look at it now (I thought rigormortis would set in quickly and was surprised.) But afterward, I've been ashamed of myself. I was acting ridiculous. Imagine, my Mom had just passed - what kind of respect was that that I showed? I was ashamed of myself. And yet, when they took Mom's body, everyone wanted me in another room. I waited while she was wrapped but I refused to leave her side as she left the house. I followed her through the rooms to the door. We'd been here all our lives. I wasn't going to leave her side now just because people thought it was too much to see. I didn't cry. But don't you care about crying. Your heart spoke with those tears. Your Dad was out of line tossing his cap like that. Only Child

I just lost my Mom last week and buried her on 9/11 after a year and a half of hospitalizations. She was 99 (close to 100) but ambulatory until last April. I refused to send her to a nursing home, caring for her from June 2006 to now at home, partly on hospice and always with private hire aides. Mom's passing was, I believe, some form of congestive heart failure which was difficult to watch the last day, as she tried to breathe and her eyelids drooped. My Aide stayed late due to Mom's condition but left reminding me I needed the rest. I was sleepy, so I slept leaving a friend to watch Mom, and I awakened about an hour later to find Mom had died. I've been able to accept her death. Everyone tells me what I already know - that I did everything for her....Almost. I'm Catholic and have strong beliefs. Mom was seeing something evil weeks before her death towards the foot of her bed. I had a priest annoint her multiple times from last year to as late as Labor Day this year. But I didn't put sacramentals on her that Catholics believe are important at the end out of fear she might choke. I didn't pray for her much - before or even after her death. I've been seeking counseling now - I feel I failed my mother religiously. Please don't laugh. She couldn't help herself, so it was up to me, and I'm tired of people telling me she's an angel in Heaven. These are generic remarks people make too easily. I'm afraid for my Mom's soul, and that's what's made me go out of my mind this week. It's not that she's gone (and oh how I miss her) - but I don't know that she's safe spiritually, and I realize now how little I prayed for her while she was lying in her hospital bed.... Feeling like I'm losing my mind at times, I'm her Only Child

To clrw ~ I'm new here. But before I posted my first time I happened to read your post. Yes, there is a God. In my case, I think my pain is a bit opposite of yours, and I hope you will read about my pain in a post entitled "Did I fail my Mom? You have every right to continue feeling your pain for however long it takes. You're hurting. Don't let others tell you how to mourn or make you feel bad for doing it. The very fact that you're here means you're trying. Only Child