Hi Diane, I can very much feel what your feeling right now. I lost my husband, best friend and lover one May 29, 2003. It was very sudden. He had taken a fall about 2:30 in the after noon hitting his head. He refused to go to the hospital. I am an EMT and kept trying to get him to go get medical help he refused. I kept making him get up to make sure that he was ok. He was up a few times during the afternoon acting very much himself. About 8:50 pm he began to cough. I jumped up to check on him as he did not sound like he was breathing right . He began to have a seizure I called 911 within 2 minutes he was in cardica arrest. I did CPR on him for about 10 minutes alone and then with the ambulance crew till they put him in the ambulance. He never regained a heart beat. He was listed as DOA. Matt was only 46 years old. I tried everything to get him to go to the hospital all that day. I kept checking his blood pressure and everything that I could do. He kept refusing to go to the hospital. Everyday since he left me I blame myself for not finding a way to make him go to the hospital sooner. I have even considered going to a physic to see if I can find out anything from them about Matt. Like you and your husband we planned to grow old together. Matt had even promised to give up drinking 2 weeks before God took him. Matt was a heavy drinker but had not been drinking the day he fell. For 2 weeks before he died things were different here. He was helping around the house and was being more like the man I fell in love with 14 years ago. We would have been married 10 years come August. I feel so lost right now . I have am not moving from our appartment eighter. I can afford it and I feel him here. I am not ready to go anywhere. What I have done to keep busy when I am not at work is painting the bathroom and now I am putting up panneling on my living room walls by my self. These are things we had planned to do starting June 1 when he would have quit drinking. Like you I am not sleeping very well, I have lost about 26 lbs. I have returned to work but sometimes all I want to do is stay in my office to keep from hearing "I am sorry for you loss" from people. My friends are telling your strong you can get through this. I miss Matt so much and my heart aches for him. If you want to write me or anything I could use someone who understands how I feel Demi
