Last night, I felt horrible, too. I lost my mom 3 weeks ago yesterday. My roommate from college lost her mom 3 days before mine. On September 15, we had my mom's service, and then I left to go to New Mexico to attend her mom's service on September 22nd. My mom's health had been failing for some time. She moved in with me in November of last year due to fracturing a vertebra. Things went very well for us as roomies in spite of our ups and downs in years past. My brother helped me enlarge a room for her "suite" and we decorated it and bought new furniture. It turned out beautifully. Her heart problems began to worsen in late June/July. She had 4 hospitalizations in 4 weeks, and the last time we were in the ER on July 18th, they recommended hospice. What a God send! I was having a hard time working and taking care of mom - even though I had 4 other siblings, it felt like I was an "only child." My mom and I even joked about that. She stayed home with a work respite person (who was an angel) for 2 weeks before having another attack of flash pulmonary edema. At that point, we did go to the ER, but hospice ended up getting us into an inpatient facility. We thought she was gone that night, but a week later, she came home. Mom was home for 3 weeks, weak but still very alert. She wasn't able to get in and out of bed by herself any more, and still wanted to be taken out to the patio (it seemed liked 100 times a day) for a smoke! At the time she came home from the hospice house, I went on family leave to care for her full time. She had another flash edema on September 7th, but I was able to do the emergency plan of IV morphine, versed, lasix, etc. She made it through that, but still weaker. My brothers came that day and could tell I needed help. One brother sat through the night with her while I got some sleep. The next day, September 8th, she woke up at 4 a.m. I gave her meds, and told her to go back to sleep. She wante to go to the patio. She was so weak, I gave her an unlit cigarette and let her sit there with it. We did the in/out to the patio about 10 times between 4 a.m. and 10 a.m. She promised to take a nap after her last "smoke" at about 10:15 a.m. We put her back to bed, and as soon as she was comfortable, I left her room to let my brother and his wife say goodbye. No sooner than I walked into the kitchen, my brother yelled that mom was not breathing. I grabbed the emergency meds and flew in there, but this was different. Not a flash edema but her heart had just stopped. I walked into this house yesterday after being gone for almost two weeks to attend my rommmate's mom's funeral. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I walked around and around not knowing what to do with myself. My home used to feel like my haven, and once felt like a prison, and now.....it's so very empty. My heart is broken, I miss my mom, I feel guilty for things that happened between us 30 years ago, I'm sorry I didn't know it was so close and wished I had a chance to do over - at least a thing or two. I do know that my mom felt safe and loved here. She was sweeter than she'd ever been and more affectionate. It was a very healing time for us. It's just so painful without her. I'm raw and emotional and going back to work tomorrow. Many things I've read on this forum have been helpful. I feel for those of you who are experiencing grief - it's a huge monster right now. Maybe work and a routine will bring some relief. Thanks for listening - I'm sure Ill be back. Carey
