sdicks

I thought it was bad when I lost my son in my eighth month of pregnancy back in 79 but it was nothing compared to when my oldest son Jeff was killed due to medical neglect on Mothers Day 1999. If not for my three daughters and youngest Son Trevor, I wouldn't have made it through. My whole family was there taking care of me as I was so doped up with drugs I didn't know if I was coming or going and they had to take the pills away from me. We let off white balloons and two white doves at the cemetary where he was put to rest. My son and three daughters all got a tatto for their brother. For years I have had nightmares over Jeff. He was alone when he was killed and I wasn't there to hold his hand, or to whisper how much I loved him. I'd seen him that morning, Mothers Day and we visited for a couple of hours. He used to call me eery single morning for the past twenty years and we'd talk for one to two hours about everything and nothing. I live alone with my two dogs and my daughter that I adopted at birth lives just on the next street. She was my granddaughter but I raised her as my own daughter. Jeff was her father. WHen we went to NC to visit the rest of the family in June of 2005, my youngest son Trevor who was 37 years old had been killed in a one car crash. I don't remember much of that time....and I had to wonder why God hated me so much as to take three sons from me. I wait now for another to fall....someone else to bury on the hill in NC... It should have been me as I'm sixty seven years old. I should have gone on....there is no life without my children. The worse is when I was cleaning out my file cabinet after Trevors funeral I found a letter he'd written a few years back saying his father had abused him as a child. He never told me and I never saw anything out of the way. He loved his dad and never once did he ever mention anything to him. I wanted to kill my ex husband but he got lung cancer and only had a few months to live. I told him that I knew and he was lucky to be alive. So I have to wonder if I missed anything....if all my family missed anything that could have led us to know anything and it kills me that I didn't protect him. I had the four children and our house was happy, we went to church every week, worked and played on the weekends....how could I have been so blind... I wanted to tell on him once I found out, but my one daughter begged me not to, said I'd only hurt the grandkids if they knew and she blames me for letting the oldest grandaughter know about it...she is nineteen and I just blurted it out I was so angry... it's all messed up...and the pain will never go away...

Hello Jane, I'm sorry about the loss of your son and I do know how you are feeling because I feel the same way. I don't sleep much at night and so do my reading most nights when I wake up. I have nightmares about it as well. My parents are also both gone and while it was hard to lose them, that's the way things are supposed to go. But we're not supposed to bury our own children. I lost my first son when I was eight months pregnant back in 78 and then in 1999 my oldest son Jeff was killed by medical neglect and he was forty two years old. I never thought I could go on without him, but I had my youngest son Trevor and my daughters. And then in 2005 Trevor was killed in a one car crash in NH. He was thirty seven years old...and so I don't have any sons left...and I have to ask God why. Why wasn't one enough, but to take three sons from me, I wonder what I ever did for this to happen. Since I live alone with my two dogs, it gets lonely. Jeff used to call me every single morning when he was alive and Trevor called every week and we corrosponded on the computer and cell phones and now nothing. Jeff was taken on mothers day 99 and Trevor was killed just after mothers day 2005. I guess we'll live through it, but life doens't have much meaning any longer... I know words don't help us much, but I do know what your going through... Shirley