Teri

Patty Ann, My Michael passed away 8 months ago. I never dreamed I would be a widow at 45. I still have many days that I would much rather stay in bed. Both Michael's and my birthdays were in Oct. It was quite a struggle. Looking back, I'm not even sure how I got thru it. I can understand what you mean about everything being in black and white now. It seems like there is no happiness, no sunshine. The days do get easier, or more tolerable.(if thats even a word). Just take it one day at a time. or one hour or minute at a time. Please know that I will keep you in my prayers. Teri

Kathy, I too think it was a good idea you went to the party. You had a nice time when you were there and that does count for something. I'm no expert, but it seems like you needed to let go of those tears and the sadness. Some things make me cry and I can't figure any connection between those things and the loss of my Michael. Just take life minute by minute. Teri

Hi Lynn, I too am fairly new to this site. My Mike passed away 7 months ago after being diagnosed with stomach cancer. He also went thru 2 major surgeries and many, many chemo treatments. He went from weighing 240# to 138#. I am still married to him and he is still my husband, my soulmate. My boys are 14,16,and 20. I never in my worst nightmares dreamed I would be a widow at 45. It's been worse for me lately, with the holidays quickly approaching. All I can tell you is just take it day by day. Sometimes even minute by minute. Nothing is easy, but hang in there. It's what Mike would have wanted you to do. Teri

All of the cards I have received have been addressed to my family. I am fortunate to have my 3 boys at home with me. I have given the cards to the boys to open and have then have thrown them out. We usually display all the beautiful cards we get, but I can't do it this year. The boys put some lights on the house. It was something they always did with their father. I have to step back sometimes and remind myself that they too are grieving, and try to do things that comfort them. Teri B

My husband passed away 7 months ago and we too talked about remodeling. I have started to change some things. More because it's what we always planned on doing but when he got sick, there was not much time or money to spend on those things. My mother thinks I should get rid of his chair that he was in when he died, but it is a HUGE source of comfort for me and my 3 boys. He didn't just die in that chair, he lived in it. It goes back to the fact that you are the only one that really knows how you feel inside. As I am making changes and fixing things, I feel like I am finishing a job I started with Michael and I know he is with me and would be both happy and proud. Teri B

It has been nearly 7 months. I'm not sure if it's the holidays or what, but i don't even want to get out of bed anymore- much less decorate for Christmas. My 3 boys are here with me (14,16,20)and I will do it for them. I find myself crying more often than the past couple months. I feel totally drained and miss Michael more and more everyday. I'm a nurse and I am finding that i can't tolerate some patients at all. There are people that complain about having to wait 15 minutes or are upset because they have to be at the hospital 2 hours before surgery or, worst of all, complain about their spouse. I want to scream at them. And then there are the pts that come in with metastatic cancer. It takes every bit of strength I have to take care of and teach these pts. All I see is Michael. But on the other hand, everything we have gone through and are going thru makes me much more sensitive to pt needs. I know what it's like to be on the other side, to be at the mercy of doctors and nurses and of course the disease itself. This is only the second time i have posted on this site, but I read all the time and the stories and comments are a comfort. I decided to post today because I am so upset about the holidays. I'm not sure where that work thing came from. Well, thanks for listening. Teri B

my oldest son, 20, spoke at Michael's funeral and ended with "noone will ever fill that dent in his chair". Sometimes I sit in it and close my eyes and imagine him hugging me. To say that the chair is comfortable is an understatement.

This is only my second time posting and I'm still not sure if i'm doing it right. My husband passed away of stomach cancer 2 1/2 years after his diagnosis. He has been gone since May 19th @ 905pm. He was 51 years old. Every year Michael would say that he wanted to get a new snowblower. Seems like I always managed to talk him out of it. I feel so bad now. He never really asked for anything and now he's gone. I feel so guilty about so many things. I'm a nurse and I should know something. i should have made him see the dr sooner. He was losing weight but on a diet. Although, when the weight kept coming off I knew something wasnt right. I did everything I could for him. He was in the hosp for three weeks after his 1st surg (17 1/2 hrs), and an emerg 2nd surg a week later. I would go to the hosp at 830 every morn and stay until I had him settled for the night 9-10 pm. It's not that I didnt trust the floor nurses, but they have a heavy load and I knew noone could take care of him like I could. We had a good year in between all the treatments and I know I should be thankful, but I dont remember alot about the day he passed and I cant remember what we said to each other. My 3 boys and I were all with him in his final moments. Even our dog was there. The hospice nurse wanted to transfer him to a hospice bed , but he didnt want to go and i didnt want him to go. He passed away in his chair. The chair he spent so many hours in watching baseball and football with the boys, reading the paper, sitting with the dog, watching tv or one of our favorite movies with me. I know I should be thankful, but I cant get his last 3 breathes of life out of my head. I hear them all the time. Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy. I miss him so much. My life is so empty and I am so alone no matter how many people are around me. I feel like I will never be happy again or even just "not sad". I would settle for not sad. Please someone tell me I'm not crazy. Teri

My husband passed away 5 months ago. We had so many dreams and plans. I have 3 sons (14,16, 20) and am now a single mom. I feel so lost and dont see how I could ever be happy again. I walk thru life in a daze and dont really know what to do. Teri