donnasan

I am so upset about mom's death last month, but I can't grieve with my family because their primary concern is how to get the most of her estate. I cry for hours at night when I'm alone because that's the only time I feel safe. During the day I feel like I'm swimming in a sea of sharks. I have only one brother. He has never seen me as a sister, but has only seen me as a barrier to getting all of the inheritance. I was the one who lived out of state and he lived nearer mom, but mom and I talked 3 times per week and visited and had a great relationship. In fact even though he lived next door I talked to her more than he did. I always told mom that my brother and his wife and family only fake it and act like "family" when I come to town, but mom didn't want to believe that. Now that she's gone he has told me the truth >>>that they really did fake it all those years and now that mom's gone they don't have to any more. Now that mom's gone I don't have a family. They are only out to get what they can from the estate and they have stayed in close contact with the financial issues all these years.............I have not. The problem is that I feel like I need to grieve at this time, but I also have to be smart and protect myself financially....this is so painful. I wonder how many other fmailies are this dysfuncional. I'm thankful to have a place to write this down and get it off my chest.

I lost my mom on July 26th. We had a distant and strange relationship my entire life as she favored my brother and made no qualms about showing it financially and otherwise. During my childhood there was much conflict in the house and she didn't protect me from it and wasn't remorseful. Dad had 7 heart attacks during my teen years and died when I was 19 (I'm 53 now). Our home revolved around chronic illness and tension and anger. I resented mom during my 20's and 30's for not protecting me from my father and brother and also had trouble with her obvious favoritism toward my brother which she expressed financially. I moved away many years ago and tried to create a more functional environment for myself and learn about love and support in other types of circles.............As an adult I had to come to terms with the fact that mom did the best she could in life with what she had to work with and loved me as best she could. In the last few years I learned to meet her on terms and accept the level of love she could offer me. I moved to Tucson to be closer to mom so we could go out to dinner and go on walks together. Many years ago mom and I enjoyed traveling the world together and loved walking and talking, so this seemed like a great plans and we both looked forward to it. A little over a month ago I had a "feeling" that mom needed me and came to San Diego to visit and saw that she wasn't looking well. I took her to the doctor and she was diagnosed with lung cancer on July 2nd and died the 26th. Our plans were tragically cut short................... She asked me to stay and care for her while she was ill. During that time we had wonderful conversations, while it was possible, and most of all we talked of forgiveness and love. I told her I loved her so many times and she told me. We bonded and I was able to protect her when she was fearful when she couldn't breath....I was able to protect her in the way she couldn't protect me. I was able to love her in the way she couldn't love me. All of this was so wonderful and cathartic. As it turned out, we healed eachother in the end. At least i hope that's how it was for both of us. I miss her so much as she was my one and only last family...............I don't have a relationship with my brother, so this is it for me. I don't have a mother now. I will have to mother myself and I think I learned how to do that in those last days with my mom..............I truly loved her unconditionally.