Grace

Derek, you are very lucky. It's been 2 years since Don died and I am still going through bouts of intense sadness. My retirement was just a few months after his death and we were planning things we would do when I no longer had to worry about employees and he could take just about any time off from work. Being without a job and without him at the same time was worse. I never realized until I looked back that both losses made my sadness worse. Still feel that I have no future. My future was with him. He was so important to me. Words don't do it. I am still struggling. Some days I just don't get up. I have gotten active in a local service organization as a volunteer. I have to force myself to go but feel better when I am there. I miss Don so much. Never thought it was possible to miss someone so much. Don't mean to be a downer but it's where I am at now. I envy you. And if you can make it maybe I can too. Grace

People tried to comfort me by suggesting that I carry on things that my husband loved. Problem was, he was a rather solitary person. I was the one who ran for office and won and who was involved in all kinds of community organizations. One person (I guess she thought she was being helpful but . . ) suggested I turn my house into a place for kids to come and learn how to use computers! Sure he was a computer genius. He was so many things but never taught kids nor wanted to teach kids. And why would kids need to come to my house which I would have to completely rearrange to accomodate computers and kids? Kids around here have computers at school and at the public library. And real teachers. What I did instead was increase my contributions to our favorite charities and causes and sent the money in his memory. I will do that every year until I die. A science fiction book section has been set up at a middle/high school in his memory. We both read SF constantly. We met at an SF convention that I didn't want to go to. I have had a really hard time getting involved again. It is so hard to go to events. I feel like I will break into pieces. So I don't go to much of anything. I have put up photos of him all over the house. I find that a little bit comforting. His birthday is coming up and I know it will be hard. Very hard.

So many of us are struggling on ordinary days. It does seem impossible to get through the next week. My dear friend and husband of 26 years died a year and a half ago. Last year I think I was so distracted working full time in a very demanding job with too many vacancies in my department. Probably was numb. I do not remember much about last year this time. We had plans for things we would do when I retired last January. So, retirement was set and it was time to move on to some other job and my best friend was dead. I still do not have a job and cannot even imagine finding any work. People tell me to do the job that I always wanted to do but couldn't. I had the job I always wanted. Now I have nothing and I do not even care. Just worry about putting one foot in front of the other and pretend everythign is ok. Maybe if I pretend long enough it will become true. Does it work that way?

Thanks all for the postings. Next Wednesday will be one year to the day when my life ended. My dear husband died suddenly and unexpectedly. He was 53. I got through our wedding anniversary by distracting myself with other people. Next week seems unreal already. Each day has been so hard that it seems impossible that a year has gone by. My words seem trite and banal when I try to write about this. I don't know how I will make it through next week. Everything that we had planned to do when I retired in January of this year is ashes. When I met him I was not interested in getting married. He was special. I wanted to make a committment to him and marriage seemed the way to do it. I am glad we met but it hurts so much to remember it. Everything in the house carries memories. Some things more than others. I cannot give his clothes away. I have stopped talking to a friend who kept pressing me to get his things out of the house. I haven't talked with her in 5 months. I don't care if I ever do again. She wouldn't listen to me. I know I am spending too much time alone. It seems to take so much energy to plan anything that I don't call friends or relatives. I am not sure that they can do anything anyway. I guess I am just venting.

My husband died July 27. I found him when I came home. I tried to rouse him and screamed when he didn't respond. I got him flat on the floor and called 911 while starting CPR. I knew he was gone but I had to try. I was sure that the paramedics would do whatever they do and fix him enough to go to the hospital. But they told me he had been gone for hours. Now his birthday is coming up next week. I have been crying off and on for several days. I can't think of anyone to call. Have been holed up at home not answering the phone. They tell me it's been long enough and it should not affect me. I know they are wrong. What can I do to get through the next week? I can't seem to think of anything useful.