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mosiel

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  1. dear those that are grieving and have grieved over your beloved before: I hope that it is OK to basically purge my story and resultant grief here. Though I have a couple of people in my life who understand, I am still in need of MAJOR support. Thanks in advance for listening... My 21-year-old cat, Aretha, died almost two weeks ago, November 19th, in the afternoon, here at home. I had made the decision not to euthanize her, and had planned to stick it out with her till the end. By the second to last day of her life, I had basically become split apart emotionally, spiritually, and physically, not being able to handle hearing and feeling Aretha’s moans any longer, as I was delirious from lack of sleep for 2 and a half days, and I had lost all reason by that time. Until that time, I was administering 6 meds happily (well, as much as one can), and my cat was agreeing to take them, knowing I loved her dearly and vice versa. Then during the last 3 days, she stopped eating, wouldn't except water even in her mouth injected by syringe (she threw up), and the only thing I could do was continue to hydrate her, which I had been doing for almost 2 years (again, happily) before. Some friends helped out immeasurably, performing angelic acts of compassion, and hours of selflessness. I don’t think I would have made it through without them. Ironically, those were not my "close" friends, as they had actually abandoned me through this process, saying that they "didn't abide by the decision". After more pain than I’ve ever seen a cat struggle with, along with my pain about losing her emotionally doubled by experiencing this, I am pretty much emptied out of everything, even after these many days of grieving. I just separated from husband and stepson only a few months ago, and I'm sure this must be compounding the issue, in addition to having no family-of-origin emotional support at all (couldn't tell them my cat died for knowledge of resultant ridicule). Interestingly enough, two rather big strange coincidences happened at the end, and I am just beginning to get their significance. Basically,a decision I was making was abated by divine intervention. Trying not to analyze but just be grateful for it, through this overwhelming grief. Though I knew I loved cats all my life, I never knew I could feel this way about someone. This cat was special in more ways that I can even describe. I have grieved so much so far, sobbing like never before in my life, but I'm sure there is plenty, plenty more where that came from. A dear friend did come to my rescue at the end, helping me create a gravesite ceremony ritual for her. It was beautiful, spiritual, and full of respect. I feel much relief now as I write this, but I’m not naïve, and know there will be many more waves of grief to wash over me. I'm beyond exhausted, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and am now hanging by a thread of hope. Sound pathetic I know. Though weird to some, I'm thinking of getting two kittens I saw at the shelter. I'm told the grief will still happen if I let it, while finding some love (and laughter, as they're 8 weeks old) to accompany me along the journey. Thank you for listening, and feel free to offer any feelings or thoughts you have as well. The fact that you are on the site indicates you have experienced loss of great enormity as well. Gratefully, Mosiel
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