bev

Id just like to add.... ..someone said...where theres life theres hope....well, me and my friend are reunited ! Best friends again......so thank God he hadnt died ! or we'd not have this second chance ! But Pain is pain.....and who can say what is worst? and what worst for one person may not be for another.....and also..what is the point of trying to decide whats worst? what does it achieve?...we are all here to support each other as we work thro our experiences...whatever it is weve lost ! HUGS all !

Oh what a terrible experience for you to witness......I can completely understand how you feel for the mother......wow who wouldnt?..... ...yes it does show how much of life is trivial and yet we waste hours fretting over things....these things sure pull us up ! I hope you soon feel at peace with your thoughts BIG HUG

Im so sorry to read of your loss.......Im so sorry theres nothing I can say to make it right......Im just here as someone whos lost loved ones.....and a mum Im not a counsellor......so I have no soothing words but your story made me cry........I feel soo much for you , I lost my dad to leukaemia at 65.....he managed to catch the childrens leukaemia at that age but lost his battle in 3 weeks ! Its still a devastating illness ....and yet I remember when we told people what was wrong , almost without fail people said...oh they can do lots for that now !! YES they can but for some its not enough...... Im thinking of you and wishing you strength and everything you need to get thro this terrible time.....God bless BIG HUG

What a beautiful son you had.........my heart breaks for you and I thank God I have no idea what its like to lose a child.....I hope I never know.....Ive had other losses but to lose a child........I cant even bear to start to think..... My thoughts and prayers are very much with you....God bless BIG HUG

BIG HUGS Vickie......Im very sorry to read of your loss.....it must have been very hard for you....but youve come this far and you will make it !! I wish you every strength you need to help you through ! God bless you

Big hugs from me....Im so sorry to hear of your loss...... The thing Ive learnt with grief is....there are no set rules for how you will feel or how long it will take to get back to some kind of normality......we are each so individual and ok most go through similar stages but its not set in stone.......and time is the biggest thing.......and no one can say how much time you will need...but my advice, go with the flow and dont try to rush things......sometimes we feel pressure to get better as others maybe say are you still not over that or whatever.....only you know how you feel !! Another thing Ive learnt is no matter how crazy the way you feel may seem Im sure you could find someone else who could say they felt like that too!! Also...take time to feel....allow yourself the feelings.....in time the pain will lessen and no one can ever take away our memories ! Take care God bless

BIG HUGS from me........Im so sorry to read your sad story.........oh and Im so sure you still feel bad..it takes time.....and lots of it to start to feel normal again after a loss....I wish you so much strength to get through this difficult period...... Eventually you will be able to look back to your soul mate and smile for what you had.....but this day must seem so far away just now...... Take good care and dont try to rush things !! Thinking of you and sending my love...God bless you !

Hi again I was once told this......All things pass.......no matter how bad it gets , all things pass.....we just have to somehow get through these difficult times..... Oh writing how you feel is excellent therapy......I have an on line diary and when I feel the need I log on and just pour my heart out into it........sometimes it doesnt even make sense when I read later....and often I sob as I write....but its such a great release of feelings !! and often it makes things seem a little clearer even..... Im glad you felt able to share your feelings on here... God bless Hugs

Oh my heart goes out to you......I cant and wont even try to think how you must be feeling.......Im a mum too and its just too unimaginable..... So brave of you to post about this to explain the dangers.....Im sorry I have nothing clever to say to ease your pain..... Biggest hugs and Ill remember you and your family in my prayers......God bless you too ! I wish you so much strength....

Hi Nicky Oh I know all about living in your thoughts and memories.....Im not sure if its the best thing to do ....but I do it all the time.....at the moment Im reliving my first trip to see my friend........its a year ago as now.....so Im remembering it all........I guessed Id look back and smile but as the future is uncertain with us I cant help but feel sad........this time last year I was OK it hadnt all crept up and spoiled everything .....wow just shows we dont know whats around the corner..... Im glad you get some comfort from your son and the cats......whatever it is if it helps thats great.....my kids have been great too......the eldest so understanding at times......and the second boy has more insite than Id imagined ! I can also relate to coping better alone too tho !! At least when alone we can be totally ourselves ! My head is a fuzz...I feel Im in a dream state half the time......and I also recently found out that another friend whos been a great support to me thro this has been finding it much harder than I realised because she has stronger feelings for me than I knew ! oh well....we will look back on this one day !! Please feel free to email me if you want !! Hugs

OH WOW !!!!! poor you....big hugs to start !! No wonder you feel so confused etc....and no I dont think you are feeling sorry for yourself.........any of these losses would be hard enough to come to terms with never mind so many so close together !!! I had quite a lot happen to me in a short space of time too ( though a longer period than 1 year!) and it is very difficult.......you wonder what will be next? I became quite paranoid about more and more happening..... I dont really know what to suggest to you as Im not a counsellor or anything....Im just speaking as someone whos had her own troubles......hopefully someone wise will maybe answer ! But I want you to know your story has been read .....Im thinking of you and hoping that soon youll start to feel more at peace.......Im sorry I cant be more help but Im still busy dealing with my own mess !! But I do know.........give yourself time....as much as you need....these things cant be rushed and there is no set time limit on healing........take it one day at a time....take time to feel the feelings and look after yourself.....

Thanks Nicky..........it has been dreadfully hard........and we are still in contact but I think hes very scared Ill turn into the 'crazy' person again.....I cant give him any guarantees I can only hope he'll learn to trust me and believe in me again......the most frustrating thing is that he seems to be unable to believe whats happened to me...he just sees black and white......I did it to him.....he cant seem to think ....wow why would I do it?......there must be a big reason ......all he sees is I let him down....I guess its the age......all I can do is take it slowly and keep hoping hell see the old me again ! Its so very hard NOT knowing what to do for the best ! I keep thinking.....give him time and space......he hasnt totally abandoned me......he said losing me was the hardest thing.......well I hope he can see he didnt really lose me but I had to leave for a while to sort myself out ! I think Ive come to terms with the grief now........and its also emerged Ive felt lots of guilt over the years too.....oh well..one step at a time !!Hope dies last ! I hope that you slowly are feeling a little better......I feel for you sooo much......its been 12 weeks since this all came to a head for me....the longest 12 weeks of my life.....and maybe the hardest too ! at least I have some hope I can make amends.... BIG HUGS back to you.......thinking of you !

Hi Morgan....hugs from me too....... wow you are so brave........I agree with nickyA .....keep talking to your mom or any other adult you can trust......dont suffer alone......and its very natural you are worrying about your family...... things will get easier for you.......it takes time , sometimes lots of time, there are no rules to follow..... Im thinking about you and wishing you everything you need to get through this......keep writing too.......it always helps me ! take care

Oh Im so sorry.......BIG HUG..... I know how it is to fall in love when you maybe shouldnt.....and I know how it is to lose what you held most dear......though hopefully Im getting the chance to make amends for my mistakes ! Its what I call a living death........the feelings are much the same as with a conventional death but as you say no rituals etc and also the knowledge that this person is still there alive but not in your life.......its can be terribly hard to deal with..... Im sorry I cant say much to help but Im feeling very emotional myself as Ive just had a sad chat with my friend I hurt so much....we still have hope but one day at a time.....for you too I say..one day at a time.....your feelings are very real though and the feeling of loss is huge...... Im sorry your friends are abandoning you....oh dont we find out who our friends are? people seem to want to put a time on these things and there is no time with grief ,we each are individual........ Im sorry I cant be more helpful...but just know you are not alone and Im thinking of you and I wish you the strength to get through this and back into life...I hope soon youll feel peace again.

Hi sorry that last post was by me....I didnt realise I wasnt logged in !! so I appeared as a guest !

Im so sorry to read of your loss...but sadly Im not in a possiton to say much to help you (in my own emotional mess Im afraid)....but I want you to know I read what you wrote and my heart goes out to you.....I will remember you in my prayers ....BIG HUG and I hope you feel at peace in time !

Oh wow....I agree so much with what you said !!! Its true death is final......I think that with the people Ive lost.....Id love to see them just once more......but my friend hes still here....in some ways death would be easier, but where theres life theres hope so I can but hope well make up.....and I like to think hes hopefully happy in his life even if my heart breaks ! Its complicated.....but hurting so bad....oh life is sure hard ! HUGS to everyone

Im a mum to 5 children ....6,11,14,16 and 18 years.........I had 2 misscarriages too.....I cant even start to imagine the pain you must be feeling......to lose a child is unbearable........my thoughts and love and prayers are with you.....Im sorry I cant say anything thats really of any help......hugs Bev

Thanks for that Alice........your words are so kind I am seeing my doctor and will be having counselling.....there are sooo many issues I need to adress.... I have heard from my friend and hes sad too and wants us to be friends again so all is not lost ......we just need to take things slowly and I need to work hard to deal with all I avoided ! Im so very sorry for your loss too.....its something we just cant imagine until it happens to us.....and so hard to see a loved one ill......Im thinking of you too and wish you strength to get thro this difficult time......Id say it does get easier in time......but hmmmmm Im not a good advert to say that ! I will remember you in my prayers too....its soooo helpful to know we have the thoughts and prayers of others with us ! Hugs Bev

Made me cry too........thank you for sharing.Im so glad you read it to him too !! ....theres been so much sadness in my life since the death of my dad too up to him dying Id been pretty blessed on the whole !

Oh that tore at my heart...... ...it reminded me of a story I once read where a woman had been complaining about cleaning sticky hand prints from the windows etc in her home......this was until her precious child died......then shed have given ANYTHING to be able to clean away those beautiful sticky hand prints !

OH thats so beautiful yet poignant !! Its so true tho people seem to feel there is a time scale for grief......and so often the words of..Im here for you if you need anything , are hollow offers !!

I agree any loss thats causing someone pain should be included !! Im as sorry for the loss of my best friend........and hes not dead but we are no longer friends.....as I am for the deaths Ive experienced !

Hi Im Bev from England and Im 42......I have a slightly unusual problem I think..... Almost 5 years ago my dad aged 65 died.He had acute lymphoblastic leukaemia and was dead 3 weeks after his diagnosis.My mum and I were with him as he died and I told her to hug him just before he died (I have years of experience nursing dying people so I could recognise the moment ). Two days before this happened my sister had a baby boy ......the day after his birth we were told that he has Down syndrome......and then shortly after our dad died the next day, my sister took me to one side to tell me the results of the babies heart scan.He had major problems and would probably die too.All I could think was how could I have 5 healthy children yet my sister not have one? (having said that I have had 2 miscarriages ). Well I took on protector role for my mum, sister and children , the eldest was just 13 at the time. I made myself so busy and helpful , did all the practical things like arrange the funeral etc ,had mum live with us until she felt able to cope alone at home.I went to my sisters the first weekend she was home and totally organised everything for her......looked after everyone but me.....(my sister and I both have husbands but both were totally at a loss what to do !!!!!!!! ) I tried soo hard to make everything as good as possible in terrible circumstances.But I had no time to grieve for me. We had a very difficult 4 months with the little one then he had life saving surgery.It was touch and go but he survived !!!! Hes now nearly 5 years and delightful...he has multiple problems but we love him unconditionally and thank God we could keep him in our lives. Well a year after dads death one of my best friends(42) told me she had about 4 months left to live (shed battled cancer for 5 years) and then shortly after that another friend(40) became terminally ill with cancer .They died 5 weeks apart.I nursed my best friend for the last 2 weeks of her life and after her death looked after her 2 children before and after school for her husband.Shed not wanted me to do this as she thought it was enough I had my 5 !! But everyone else whod offered help let her husband down so he asked me and I did it for about a year and a half.I was only too happy to help.My friends courage had been an inspiration to me ! But once again it meant I was being busy and useful rather than dealing with my own grief feelings ! Just over a year ago I met a remarkable young man from germany online.We became soul mates, best friends .I even went to Germany to meet him and some other friends.Well, from the start I had a fear Id lose him cos I couldnt belive hed really love me ! (as friends) well the more time went on the more this fear grew until it became a totally irrational obsession that he no longer liked me and that Id lose him.Well I did some really stupid things that hurt him and....yes......I did indeed lose him ! Self fulfilling prophacy ! Its seems as tho my loving him and fear of losing him brought out all this unresolved grief from these previous losses!!! But my brain couldnt cope well with so much emotion so it became a real problem to me ! Im totally devastated now......I feel completely to blame for losing my best friend because I behaved stupidly because Id not grieved properly in the past ! And what hurts most is that I hurt him so badly !! I just cant forgive myself ! I dont know what to do.....at times Ive felt like killing myself as the pain of all of this is too much....but how I could I take away my pain to give it to everyone who cares about me? not least this young man... I wrote him a letter to try to explain that Id become 'strange' because I was 'ill' but its not so easy to explain these ideas to a non native english speaker !! I find it all confusing enough myself !!! I was always the strong one .....everyones rock !! now Ive totally crumbled !I just cant imagine that things will ever be normal again for me ......I tell me.....at least he isnt dead (unlike my dad and friends)....hes still alive and happy....but I cant stand the thought that he'll no longer be part of MY life through my own fault ! Its like one loss too many for me !