leeann

Shar I know that "I should be going there everyday" feeling too. I just couldn't either. But I was there most days for my Dad and I had to accept that I just couldn't be there everyday. It was such a challenging time... And I really can't tell you how I made it easier for myself or what made it less painful... because I am not sure that is possible. It just hurts. Just know others have walked the path you are walking and we get it and know how very much this hurts. (((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))

Shar I am glad that nothing was seen in his brain on the MRI. I had two close & dear family members die of lung cancer. I wouldn't discount the lung tumor itself as causing some of the other symptoms, especially the fatigue, and perhaps even the headache. (If he isn't getting enough O2 that can happen) Watch his fluid intake as well... as being dehydrated can cause other neuro-type symptoms. One of the family members I lost had extreme fatigue as well for months before his passing. He also slowly stopped eating & drinking normally. I think that is considered sorta normal for someone terminal. He ended up having mets to the brain but it was only at the very, very end. Yup I know it does hon. Very hard to see them get frail. Very hard to see them lose their independence. They have no control over what is going on in their bodies. Hard to watch for sure. For both of my dear loved ones that passed this way... I became all about helping them die. Making the process of their passing as easy as possible. Helping them feel as empowered & dignified as possible. I was ALL concerned for their modesty. I was all about giving them as many choices.. no matter how seemingly insignificant... as possible. "Do you want the blinds opne all the way?? Half way? Up or down?" Where do you want your mug..?? book? etc>>" Meal choices as much as was possible.. beverage choices.. etc>>> Tried to give them as MANY choices as possible so they would feel IN control of SOMEthing. When it was my Dad.. I also tried my best to help my Mom and make things as easy as possible for her too. Mind you... me being all about helping them die helped me keep busy, focused on them and NOT feeling sorry for myself and extremely overwhelmed. (I got overwhelmed more afterwards.) But while they were dying... I cried in the shower.. in the car when driving alone etc. Painful?? You bet.. Difficult... absolutely. But helping both of them die was one of the best things I have ever done in my life I think. It's awful.... terribly terribly hard. To say "good bye" is impossible. So I told them both I would see them later. And I believe I will. But helping them to say "good bye" was something so special to me. A very painful... gift. ((((((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))

The "meltdowns" were healthy and needed to occur in my humble opinion. They were simply an expression of emotions. And really?? an expression of emotion.. when you think about it.... is really nothing, in and of itself, to be afraid of. It is simply emotions expressed. There is nothing to be afraid of now.. you are safe. I have also learned the harder I try to hold my emotions and NOT express them.... the worse I feel. I wish you all the best. Just be gentle with you...

Loulou Just a thought... but perhaps simply writing down what you saw,heard and felt when your friend was killed might help you process it. They say talking about it helps and I think writing it down can be just as effective as talking to someone about it. Of course there is no "replacement" for a therapist & their expertise... but I just thought if you couldn't afford one you might feel better just getting it out by writing it down... at least til you can afford one. I find whenever I talk about some of the trauma I have experienced in my lifetime, I feel better about it. I found most times when I didn't want to "deal with" certain things... I was just simply afraid. So I had to learn what I was afraid of. (I learned a memory can't hurt me. Nothing can hurt me unless I allow it.) Yet when I looked and examined what exactly I was afraid of... somehow... it just wasn't a realistic fear. I could no longer legitimize my fear. So that made it much easier to manage and eventually get rid of the fear and "process" the trauma and begin to grieve. I learned: Courage isn't NOT being afraid. Courage is being afraid of doing something and doing it anyway. Fear itself was stopping me from even beginning the process but in reality... I had nothing to be afraid of. And once I saw that... I began to heal. I wish the same for you.

I think you need to discuss this with her. Good communication is the foundation for any good relationship. So I would communicate with her.

Happy Birthday Hon... (((((((Hugs))))))) It's the start of a brand new year in your life! All new possibilities and opportunities are ahead! The message you left her was clear enough and communicated, I think, what you wanted to. Now.. the ball is in her court so to be speak. If she needs or wants help from you... she will let you know. And if she doesn't.... you will know that too. Like I said... love is messy and it hurts sometimes, deeply. But it also is something beautiful and wonderous. And I am pretty sure.. you will experience it again with someone else if you do not experience it again with this girl. So it's a new season and a new year in your life....I hope they both are filled with blessings for you.

Terry I also found a website that can help with medications: Just click here for the site: http://www.needymeds.org/ Hope this helps.

Terry I would wait on the bills that you can. In my experience if you have a good reputation for paying your bills on time.. most companies will be understanding. Your best bet is to call all of the companies and let them know your spouse has died and your income has severely dropped as well. As long as you call them .. calling & staying in touch with them is REAL important.. most companies will understand and offer some help. Get a notebook or some paper and write down each & every phone call you make. As in keep track of ALL communications.. the date, who you spoke to and what you spoke about. I would get yourself signed up or registered for any prescription help you are eligible for. Call your county or state Social Service phone numbers probably in the Govt pages in the phone book. Also..Ask your Dr for generic drugs when you can instead of brand name. You also may want to talk to someone at Public Assistance or see if you can get food stamps or some other help like that... Again another question for Social Service. Also do NOT be shy.. call up your town or your county and ask about any food banks/pantries they may have. Also some church's have food pantries and may be able to help you out. I would also discuss this with your daughter. Two heads are better than one. I wish you all the best.

Well hon...the best & maybe harder answer to hear is.. Love is messy and .. We are human ... we make mistakes. So I wouldn't worry too much. You sound like there is a whole lot "riding" on this. The way I look at it is: If you are supposed to be with her.. you will end up with her. If not.. whatever is supposed to happen.. will. Right now...I would look for nothing in return from her and give only what you want to give out of the goodness within you. Truly expecting nothing in return. The motivation for helping her should be only that... "to help her' as a friend. And I know this is hard but truly.. that is the only thing that should be driving your actions at this point. I know you miss her but you too must grieve the relationship you used to have... because it is clear that relationship has changed and may remain changed for always. I'm sorry hon because I know this hurts but your future with her may not be what you once thought it would be. But sure you two can remain friends and that is what I would try to be for her right now.... and nothing else. (((((Hugs)))) for you Rimm

What do you talk to her about...??? Well ask her how her day went.. let her know how yours went. Ask after her brother & Dad..etc.. Just normal stuff.... everyday stuff. Tell her about anything you might have planned to do for the weekend and ask after her plans for the weekend etc... She how she accepts that and responds to it. Did you ever see the movie "The Story of Us" with Bruce Willis & Michelle Pfeiffer? In that movie the Dad (Bruce) would sit down at the dinner table and say "Ok, Hi Low" and then each person at the table would share what their high (or best) moment of the day was and then their low (or hardest/worst) moment of the day. So you could do a variation on that. Then proceed from there. Let her set the tone & pace though. This may be one sided for a bit or.. longer.. but just take it as it comes ok?

I second everything Marty said Rim. She puts it so well! It's true.. she may not even know how to put into words how she feels. She isn't "fine" of course. She is grieving so try not to assume you know what is going on inside of her. You can't know that unless she shares it with you. And like I said, she might just not be able to get her head & heart around all of this yet to put it into words. It's early days yet. Try not to put any pressure on her.. allow her space and her feelings WHATEVER they may be and/or whether or not they seem "right" to you. They may not EVER seem right to you because you may grieve a loss like hers completely differently. And that's fine.. REALLY it is. We are all different. She isn't hurting you on purpose.. you must know that. She must just want & need to be on her own for a bit. And that is understandable. Try not to take anything personally. This is about her & her grief really, isn't it?

Rim She might very well BE feeling fine right now. It's ok. She isn't acting like nothing is wrong... she is just might be feeling ok at the moment and that is a good thing. Well as "ok" as one can feel at the moment. She may not be up for sharing any of her more teary moments and that has ot be ok. We all do this in our own way and in our own time. There is no right or wrong way to grieve hon. It is whatever works for each person. I would try to let go of any pre-conceived ideas you may have about grief. It isn't always crying & gnashing of teeth & wailing for us. Sometimes it is just walking tenderly & slowly through the day trying to just "be". And also...I would try real hard not to get so angry... that is NOT good for you! I can tell you truly everyone's grief journey is unique. And since she is texting you I think if she needs anything.. she wil let you know. Til then if I were you.. try REAL hard to let go of any old ideas you have about grief and just "be" in the moment with her.. HOWever she is. Perhaps you migth find that you need to distract yourself a bit away from thinking about this or over-thinking it. So don't be afraid to get yourself busy doing other things. Life does go on....

It will all be over for ya soon Mary Linda... Thinking of you! XO

Oh I hope so.. LOL Yah... I hear ya.... I do not seem to have the patience I used to have. I don't suffer fools gladly anymore. In fact - I don't suffer them at all. LOL Oh brother... I don't think time or distance from our losses has much to do with how we feel or what kind of things (behaviors, feeling, emotions, etc..) we experience as we processes those losses and walk our unique grief journeys. So I would try not to get hung up on the time thing if I were you. I think after all I feel I have been through.. sometimes I feel like I am under attack and am automatically defensive even.. when that really isn't necessary. So I have learned to think more... speak less. In other words keep my mouth shut more because I am afraid I will offend well meaning.. unsuspecting folks who have no idea I am on the verge of erupting alot of the time. So I bite my lip... take a deep breath.. tell myself my anger isn't from this poor person... just from what I have experienced before & the pain I am in at the moment. So I try to make a concerted effort to overlook the shortcomings of others because I am painfully aware that I am awash in them myself! I assume this feeling of annoyance (at the least) and roaring anger (at the most) will even out eventually. Until then though.. I am on my guard NOT to hurt others. So counting to 10, breathing deeply, taking short breaks away from others at gatherings (even just running to the bathroom for a minute can break the strength of that feeling) etc are all things I do to keep my cool. But I DO know what you mean.

Niam.. I know... Can you trust me when I tell you it WILL get better? I found in the beginning it was too overwhelming to look too far into the future. So I decided to just handle the day in front of me or the hour or the minute... whichever one I could handle in that moment. Sometimes.... many times.. it was 1 minute at a time. Nope.. none if us knew how to live without our loved ones here with us at first. I think that is something we learn to do over time and I think we learn it by simply doing it. There IS happiness to be felt. I know I struggle with sadness.. still... but I have learned it is best for me to call it what it is.. "sadness' & "grief" and to remind myself that it is all normal... however painful it is. If I see how I feel for what it is... sadness & grief....I have a better chance to keep it in perspective. I can say it is just PART of who I am and what my life is about at the moment. There are other parts and other experiences that I have. And I find it helps me to be grateful for the parents I was blessed to have. It is very hard for me to feel completely hopeless and grateful at the same time. So I hang on tight to gratitude. Hope today is a teeny bit better for you. (((((Hugs))))

Having insurance helps.. but there are mental health clinics that may take fees on a 'sliding scale'.. (in other words based on what one earns..) or they will work something out fee-wise; also many churches have grief counselling available.

Hey Mary Linda I will have you covered with prayer. All the very best for 2 successful knee replacements and a smooth recovery!

Rim You don't need any suggestions with this one... It appears you already know. You said you felt it was too early.. then.. you are probably right. It IS too early. You know her & this situation better than any of us. Follow your instincts. I'm sorry she wants this distance right now... but I have learned all difficult things in life have some value and I learn & grow from them always.

I am sorry but there is no way for us to know if she will come back to you or not hon. She might be just totally overwhelmed by her grief at the moment. So stay near but not too near, if you know what I mean. Confusion, desiring an abundance of alone time (mostly to lick wounds), racing thoughts, expressing loads of emotions, plus a whole bunch of other things are to be expected from someone who has experienced a significant loss. All of those things are "normal". Or another thing could be that she knows her Dad and brother finding out about you may present a conflict that she isn't feeling up to handling right now... Who knows... and we can't really say. I would love a crystal ball to look into the future for you...but unfortunately... they don't exist and we must deal with what is in front of us. So.... I would just be a real good friend to her now.

Rim I would give her some space for sure. Who knows what is going on now. But if she needs you I will bet that she will get a hold of you. It's often advised that after a significant loss it is best not to make any major life changes. And I would perhaps share that with her during one of your texts. But otherhwise I would try to respect her requests, even though it is very hard for you. Just be a real good friend to her. As that will only serve you both real well right now. See how it goes for a bit. If as some time passes, it looks like she still doesn't want more of a relationship or a future with you... as sad as it is... I would move on then yourself. I have learned that sometimes people are in our lives for just a short time.. but I am always able to have learned something valuable from them.

Oh No Gamer I am so sorry to hear this. My thoughts & my prayers are with you and your family too. Go easy.

I know this will sound lame...but.....Exercise helps me with my anger. So does telling people off in my head....silently. I just tell them what I would if I could get it all off my chest.. etc. Doesn't solve anything but it does make me feel better and then I am able to see once again... I can only change me and how I think. Sometimes the anger feels good... because I am able to feel it. When I feel nothing but sadness... that gets scary. That's a real dark place for me. Anger seems more 'normal' to me. Feeling nothing but sad... doesn't feel 'normal' to me. But who knows what 'normal' is. 'Normal' for each of us is... what it is I guess. But there is a balance to be found. I haven't mastered that yet... so don't get excited... lol ANYhoo... Your Dad has moved on to another relationship... for whatever reason.. I don;t know but maybe because trying to feel that sadness is too scary for him. I would just caution you not to get so wrapped up in responding to his choices that you don't get around to feeling your own sadness. I found I had plenty to handle with just looking at myself and my grief process. If I started getting into other people's "stuff" things got muddled and more confusing (and truth be told... overwhelming!). So I just learned to stick to my own "stuff". If you are uncomfortable with anything your Dad asks of you regarding his choices... just let him know that. We all grieve differently.

Kathy I would strongly urge you to seek help in the rooms of Al-Anon. Here is their website: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ Find a meeting near you or I think they even have online ones now. But I think it would help you tremendously. You cannot do anything about your Dad's or your Brother's drinking. BUT you can still have your own peace of mind. So try to get to Al-Anon and I am sure they will be able to help you weather this difficult time.

I lost friends.. just like I lost my parents. But most of those were "fair weather" type friends anyway. And I can understand it because most of them have both parents and kinda just don't get it. But what really hurts the most is I lost my closest friend because I just couldn't listen to her belittle her own mother anymore. I told her I couldn't hear that anymore and she might need to find someone else to talk about that kind of stuff with from now on but.. apparently that request killed the friendship. I haven't heard from her since. I have tried to reach out twice.. and she just ignored those attempts. So... It's over. It is all part of loss I guess. It changed me and maybe she and I are now too different to be close friends anymore. I feel very much alone most of the time.. and I assume that is just where I am supposed to be right now....by myself... on my own. It hurts though...feels awfully raw, ya know? I know I crave the solitude alot of the time too... but sometimes I really wish I had a close friend.. and I just don't have one anymore. To me.. it is like yet another loss.

Yes I can understand what you have written here. I have found I needed to devise a different language - or a different form to communicate with them. It is all inner and it takes time for me to learn it... And listening is the hard part for me. It may take all the time I have left here to learn it completely. I don't know. Yeah I don't understand it either and am figuring out how to handle it by the seat of my pants.