Mazecat

Thankyou Marty T for your reply. I think about my friend everyday. Everyday his last moments go through my head. I don't want to think about the way he died but each day I find myself thinking about it. I keep thinking about all the mistakes I've made and how I might have made a difference in his final decision. I'm still asking myself all the time..WHY? His name was also Marty like yours. I've got so many thoughts running through my head. He left behind his little one year old daughter. He adored her and I keep asking myself..why couldn't he have stayed for her? She'll never know her father now. So sad. Sometimes I just feel so mad at him for doing what he did. Most of all I can't believe I'll never see him again. I just can't believe he's gone.

I don't even know where to begin. My friend whom I've known for 10 years just killed himself. I got a phone call today from his Father. I knew it was bad when he said "Have you got someone with you". I knew then something terrible had happened. My first thought was that he had been killed in a car accident. What he said next was worse. He had killed himself. I kept thinking..why didn't he call me? Why? He always said I was his best friend. He often said how much he loved me so why didn't he let me know what was going on? When his father rang he was crying. I was crying and when I kept saying "I never thought he would do that and why?" his father just said he had been going over and over the same issues. One minute I'm crying, the next I feel numb and then I suddenly feel like smashing everything in site. I feel guilty about things I said and things I didn't say to him. I feel like throwing my computer monitor through the window as I type this. I feel like it hasn't really happened and i could call him now and he would be there. I feel angry at him for doing such an awful thing. I'm scared about tomorrow because I don't know how I'll feel when I wake up.