Well, I'm Claire and I'm 20 years old as of this month. I just joined today in hopes that this will help me through the tough times ahead and that I will find some comfort in talking with those who know first hand what it's like to lose someone they love. It will be 3 weeks ago tomorrow that my dad passed away. He was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer on April 7, 2006. He was the most brave man I ever knew. He was on about 3-4 treatments at once.. one of them he'd take for 48 hours.. some treatments were changed.. but he had been on 6 treatments in total throughout his battle with cancer. He worked every day up until a month and a half before he died.. and went into hospice a few weeks after going on disability from work. In October, I pulled out of school to stay home and take care of him because my two older brothers live elsewhere, my older sister is mentally challenged, and my mom had to work in order to maintain a steady income for our family. I stayed with him everyday and saw him at his very worst. The last day he was alive I remember feeling so helpless as my mom and I tried to manage his pain with his medication..calling in the nurses a couple of times that day.. but nothing would work. It tore me up inside just sitting there and trying every little thing to make him feel comfortable even though I knew it wouldn't really help.. eventually I just retreated back into my room while my mom went and stayed with him. Around 1 a.m. he sat up and my mom came over to him.. I had a baby monitor in my room so that I could hear whether he needed anything. I was on the phone with a friend at the time, and I stopped to listen when I heard him sit up. He then passed away looking at my mom as she held his hand and told him she loved him.. I came into the room once I heard her crying, which was a few minutes later. The way he passed seems almost like a movie now that I reflect back on it.. I am so thankful that he passed in such a beautiful way instead of alone in some cold hospital room.. he hated hospitals. It's been a week since we got back from Texas from his funeral. That was where he was born, and where he lived most of his life before we moved. I felt so strong during the first couple of weeks.. almost abnormally okay. Now that I'm back home.. it's starting to hit me hard. I find myself staring at his picture and remembering all of those times I had with him.. especially the times we had after my soccer games. We'd go out and go to lunch together and drive back home listening to Tom Petty or The Byrds. It's three days before Christmas now, and I am missing him most at this time. Today was the worst.. I wished he could have made it 23 more days.. but that's a selfish thing to say. I just wish that I could have had my dad with us for one more holiday.. but I know he's in a better place now and he will be here with us.. just not physically. It feels better even just writing about it. -Claire [attachmentid=220] this is the way I remember him.
