Existential_Cat

I agree with everyone else. Give it at least one more shot. At least you have a support group near you to utilize...I am way to far out in the boonies for any groups like that.

I am trying to figure out if what I am going through is normal. I am thinking that it is probably some kind of panic or anxiety attack. It started when I had something upsetting happen totally unrelated to the death of my friend. Everything went okay with that situation but things seemed to get worse as the evening went on. Yesterday I felt like I had tunnel vision all day, shaky, and detached. I have been restless, anxious, and feeling like I am sleep deprived when I have actually been sleeping. Last night I had very bizarre nightmares that were very upsetting and frustrating and I am going through the day feeling odd. I have taken my blood pressure and it is low normal, cause I actually thought maybe my blood pressure had shot up or something. My heart rate is up though, close to 90 bpm. I have the sensation of panic. That's the only way I know how to describe it. Which is one of the reasons why I think this is a panic/anxiety attack. Has any one else experienced this under the stress of a loss?

Thanks for the kind words. I know that life is worth living, but is it worth dying for. That's my question. We live but for what purpose? When its all said and done how do we know that there is something beyond death, that we simply just don't fade away. I appreciate all the book suggestions, I really do, but I really want something more based in fact. Religion is about faith, for me, this isn't about religion, I'm not relying on my faith, I do need facts. I apologize if that sounds selfish, I honestly can't explain why I feel that way, only that I do. Thanks again, everyone, your words mean a lot too me...please don't think me ungrateful.

I am sorry for your loss. The memorial site is lovely. Would you share the names of the songs who sung them that you are using as the background music? Thank you

Thanks everyone, for your kind thoughts. I have lost friends before in my life, but nothing like this....and no one this close. I truly feel like a part of me died. I have nightmares at night, usually about having to be some where and not able to get people out of my way or people holding me up or not being able to find the right door....it's frustrating and I am not sleeping well. I know that I am facing mortality and it's not my own that bothers me, it's the idea that my family is always a step away from being gone. I just wish I knew if living was worth dying. Am I the only one who questions that now? Is living worth dying? I did expect to "feel" my friend still around me, I think I had been counting on it. But I don't. Even in her home I feel nothing. It's just like she never was. I think that that disturbs me most too because now I am facing the fear that there is really nothing after we die. To me, that idea is a lot worse than death. I have never had these questions before, I have never doubted the existence of God...but all of a sudden I am facing that doubt and nothing seems to satisfy me. I just wish my friend could tell me, she is ok, that there is a place we go, that she is with all the people and pets she loved, and that living is worth dying for.

I didn't know where else to put this, and since my best friend was like a sister to me, I thought I should put it here. I hope that no one minds. I lost my best friend this month to complications in her treatment to Cancer. It has not been easy. I feel like I have not been dealing with this well at all. I find myself staring at her picture, wishing I could talk to her again and sometimes I do talk to her but of course no one answers. We spoke almost daily, sometimes several times a day, until she got ill and lost her voice. She was given 6 months to a year to live, she lasted 8 weeks. I have found myself asking questions about life that I never asked before. Why we are here, what's the purpose of it all, and what really happens when we die. I realize everyone has their own religious beliefs on this, but I am a very factual person, and the typical religious explanations just don't satisfy me. Yes I believe in God, I just don't understand why....and all those things bother me. I know that I am depressed and it frustrates me to not have control of my life and feelings. I have plenty to keep me busy but talking to her was a daily part of my life. We shared everything...and now I feel very alone...if not basically helpless to help her husband (who I promised to look after). I find myself wanting to scream at the world, I am angry, and while I know that that is normal, I still feel guilty for it. My whole life has been turned upside down and I feel like any minute that everything I love is going to disappear. Living like that has really started to bother me.