missthem2much

Hi Russ, Just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you, and hoping you are okay. Terri

My first Christmas was less than 2 mos after losing my Mom. I decorated even as I wanted to pretend Christmas was nothing important. Last year, I finally got decorations up, and the tree stayed up until March. I had no desire to even take it down, and my sweet husband looked the other way. My daughter moved home a couple of weeks ago, so I've put her tree up, and left all of my decorations in storage. Normally, I would have all kinds of nativity sets out, a Christmas village, & anything I could, to make it feel Christmasy. I feel so bad, it seems that I should be doing better, instead of worse. I think I did it before just to keep going, but this year, I'm only doing anything I do for my 16 yr old daughter. And, Mom, God love her, continued to buy for her grown, married children, as if they were still at home. She said that we were here children, and who else would she buy for, if not for us. It wasnt the gifts, it was the fact that Mom had so much fun shopping for us. I went out on my own Saturday, to shop for my daughters, and ended up sitting in a little deli eating a sandwich, alone. I usually would never do this, so then, it hit me in the gut, that Mom would have been sitting across from me, and we would have been having a great time, laughing and visiting and discussing what to buy everyone. I dont think its terrible at all to be human, and I'm sure your children understand that you are missing your Mom. I'm like you. I hate for my children to feel sad right now, but its worse to hold the tears in. Perhaps it's a good thing for them to learn that it is okay to be sad, yet be able to continue on with life and learn to be happy again? I never understood how badly my MOm was missing HER Mom until I lost my own. A couple of weeks before Mom passed away, she said to me that she would give anything if she could talk to her Mom again. I know I've rambled on, I guess Mom is so much on my mind and there is actually no one to tell how I feel. I know everyone here understands. My siblings are no longer a part of my life, which is so crazy in itself, but that is just the way it has become. My husband is very supportive, but he has lost both of his parents, and seems to handle it so well, that I feel silly when I tell him how horribly I miss mine. My prayers will be with you, and I feel certain that you are a wonderful Mom. If you weren't, you wouldnt even be worrying about how your children are feeling.

Thats a sweet poem, Tootie. I could use a hug from my Mom right now, I miss her so much. The poem you posted sounds so much like something she would read. Thank you for sharing it. God Bless, Terri

Russ, When my Mom passed away, it was totally unexpected and I was the one who ended up having to perform CPR. Unfortunately, it had been at least 4 years since I'd had any training, and I look back now and see how many things I could have done differently. I beat myself up every day about if I had remembered this technique, or if I had remembered to do that. Supposedly, my CPR was what allowed the paramedics and doctor to finally get her heart started again, after nearly 30 mins. but of course that was only enough to keep it going with medication while they life flighted her out, and to run tests to see what had happened. And, for the rest of the family to be by her side. But, in my mind, I feel as though I let her down, in the biggest way. I did the best I could do, which is more than would have been done otherwise, though. There have been days since losing my Mom (and my Dad before her), that I described the way I felt as seeming to be in a deep muddy, oily pit; trying to climb out but always sliding back down. The pain was excruciating, but honestly, it does get better. The old cliche about time is true. The pain hasnt gone away, but I'm slowly learning to be happy, in the way my parents wanted me to be. I know, it would truly break their hearts to see us so lost. But, my Mom always told me that, as painful as losing her parents, and later my Dad, that the pain does get easier to handle. Over time. I remember my Mom telling me many times, after losing my Dad and being so extremely heartbroken and lost without him..... "The pain never goes away, but it does get easier to handle...you learn to handle it". I have found that as much as I miss her right now, and I miss my Dad, the horrible pain and the feeling of not wanting to live, that I felt during the weeks and months after losing first Dad, and then Mom, only 6 years later, have, just as Mom told me,become much easier to handle. And, that pain has subsided. I try always to remember how much my Mom would want me to live and to be happy. And, the closeness you describe between yourself and your Mom, make me feel that your Mom would surely want you to find happiness by living and honoring her memory in the way that you live your life. It's so very hard to go down this path, without our Mom's here. Somehow, as much as I miss my Dad, and like you, I wanted to die so that I could be with "my Daddy" as I told my husband. I found that losing my Mom was so much worse, somehow. Is there a way you could call your boyfriend in the evenings, at the time you used to call your Mom? I know it's in no way the same, but if you can begin to slowly give yourself something else to think about during those times that are the worst for you, it may help to take the edge off, just a little. Even to change your routine, little by little, or even a total change of routine, to help move your thoughts in a different direction for a few minutes at a time, possibly. I know this is rather long, but like Wendy, my heart aches for you. Knowing what you are experiencing, my heart goes out to you, and I pray you find peace.

Hi, I just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and understand how you feel. My prayers are for you to keep making it through each day.

Hi Wendy, I'm so sorry about the loss of your Mother. I understand how you feel, as I lost my Mom unexpectedly 2 years ago, October 18th. I find myself even now thinking "I'll call Mom", for a split second before realizing she's not there to call. And, the pain is a physical pain. Like you, I stop myself from crying because when I do cry, I cant seem to stop. But when I finally allow myself to cry, that horrible pain in my stomach is lessened a little, for at least a while. Although it doesnt lessen how much I miss my Mom, or my Dad who I also lost unexpectedly 8 years ago, I have found that if I think of how many people I know, or know of, who have been through life altering tragedies, and yet somehow are able to smile and find happiness, I am inspired by their strength. I tell myself that if they can make it through what they have been through, that surely I can as well. Sometimes....it even helps for an hour or so. But, each hour that I can find peace, gives me hope I can do it for another hour. I admit, too many days I feel I just cant stand another minute without seeing my Mom, hearing her voice, or feeling her arms around me. But somehow I do, and even though I may have to struggle to get through the day, I do make it. Everything I do brings to mind a memory of my Mom or my Dad. I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters, and our family has fallen apart. Much of it due to lies and deception by the older siblings. Knowing that the family my parents put together for us is gone now, hurts as well. But, all we can do is live our lives to the best of our ability, to honor the Mother and/or Father who raised us. I will keep you in my thoughts and I pray that you find the peace you need to make it through each day.

My heart goes out to you. I understand how you feel, and wish there were words to help ease your pain. I felt the same way as you do when my Mom was suddenly gone from my life. As much as I love my Dad and miss him, Mom is the first and last thing I think of each day. I thought I could not take another step or breathe another breath when I lost her. I had the same thoughts that you describe. Somehow, I've made it through each day, and I remind myself that is what Mom would want for me. Please know, you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

I'm sorry about your Mom. As much as I feel in my heart it was only yesterday, I know it was so much worse only 4 weeks after losing my Mom than it is now. I cannot understand why family members would rather be hateful than stick together and honor the life their parents gave them. When we lost Mom, it seems as if the purpose for everything left my life. I dont understand why I feel that way, when I have a husband and children who I love very much, but I do. Its as if the reason for being is gone, and I feel like I'm letting everyone down because I feel this way, and cant shake it. Everything each of you said is so true. It feels truly impossible to go on at times. Its as if I've lost my parents AND my siblings. I see one of my sisters and keep in contact with her, but it will never be the same as before all of the lies that were told after my Mom passed away. I just cannot believe they would dishonor our parents this way, or treat someone who loved them the way they have. But, that is the way it is, and thank God for my husband and my children. I dont know what I would have done if I had lost my parents at 19, and my heart goes out to you. I find myself scared alot of days, wondering when something is going to happen to my husband. I know this is silly, but its a fear I cant seem to get rid of. Its as if I now that I know my parents can die, I know that we arent far behind. As young as mom and dad were, I know we arent that much younger than they were. Thank you again for your encouraging words. It means so much to know that there are people out there who understand how I feel and who care. I will be thinking of each of you as well. -T

We lost my Dad on January 22, 1996. We knew he had advanced heart disease, but I knew of so many people who lived for years and years after this diagnosis that I just knew my Dad would be one of them. I went down for an impromptu visit on Sunday afternoon, and during the night he passed away in his sleep. Only those of us who have lost their Dad can understand the emptiness in your life when he is gone. My parents had been together for 43 years, and Mom of course felt lost without him. We all tried to make sure she knew how much we loved her. My parents were the best parents I could imagine a person having. I thought my Mom would surely be here for many more years. She and Dad were only 59 when we lost Dad. Mom had health problems, but I never really thought or accepted those problems could really take her away from me anytime soon. Then, on October 18, 2002 after not feeling well for a couple of days and seeming to have a cold of some sort, my sister called me to ask if I would ride with them to go to Mom's doctor. Mom had spent a couple of days at my sisters after and MRI that wasnt done, but seemed to me to have a strange reaction to Xanax that was prescribed. I will always wonder if they didnt give her too much, or if it reacted crazily to the other meds she was taking. My sister and Mom arrived at Moms house, where my family was living with Mom at the time, Mom came in sat at the table and in a few minutes we went to get into the car. Mom wanted to sit in the back seat, but then said she just couldnt breathe back there. So, I helped her into the front seat, and dug into her purse for her inhaler. She used the inhaler, and then suddenly was gone. My sister, who was sitting in the drivers seat, asked should she dial 911, because at first it seemed as though Mom had just suddenly fallen asleep. She called, and I attempted CPR as my sister ran down the driveway to catch the ambulance drivers attention as we were a few miles outside of town. My 14 year old daughter was sitting in the back seat when I flipped Mom's seat back to try to lie her down, and she had to see the whole thing while I tried and tried to bring Mom back to us. I had not had CPR training in a few years, and still today wonder if I had remembered better, if I had done things differently, would my Mom be with us now? I cant get rid of that doubt. Mom and Dad were the best friends I had, outside of my husband. I was just coming to grips with losing my Dad, and that had taken over 6 years, and now it has been right at 2 years, and still when I go to bed, all I can think of is my Mom. I think of every little thing I may have said that probably hurt her feelings, every little thing I may have done wrong when I was doing CPR. I feel that if I cant talk to her in the next minute, I will die myself. Of course, the next minutes comes and goes, but the feeling doesnt leave. Our favorite times of the year, Thanksgiving and Christmas, feel empty now, as does the rest of the year. Nothing means anything any more without Mom to share it with. I know I am letting my own family down no matter how much I try not to, because I never feel truly feel happen anymore. I have such a wonderful husband, but I want my Mom and Dad. I especially want my Mom so badly that it feels like a knife is sticking in my stomach most of the time. I try to do as she told me one time, about thinking about things that upset me, and say to myself, "I'll think about this later". But, it doesnt work. All I ever think about, is my Mom's voice, and the way it would sound if we were talking and the night we sat laughing all night bidding on ebay.........Sometimes I think I will die myself from the pain, even though I know so many people have lost parents, spouses or children, etc. in much worse ways. I try to remind myself that she and Dad are together now, but I still want her/them here with me. I know that its been long enough, and I should be past this pain, but it just wont go away. Nothing feels the same, and it seems as if nothing matters anymore. Not really. Mom always said as long as she was alive, I would always be somebody's little girl. Now that she's gone, I can truly understand what she meant. No one can give me that same hug, or say how much they love me like she did. No one will ever care in the same way that my Mom did. And, no one can ever have the same laugh and sense of humor that my Mom and Dad did. I'm sorry this is so long. I just have ended up with no one to talk to about all of this. I've tried counseling. My brothers and sisters have been a huge letdown, as the older brother and sister right aways set about to turn all of us against one another, and siblings I thought I was close to are now no longer even in my life. I cant even "talk" to the two who I'm able to speak to, because the older two have created such turmoil that no one feels they can trust each other, and no one seems to care enough to just ask what is true and what isnt. I thought that I was close to my siblings, and yet everyone seemed so happy to believe what wasnt true, that we've ended up with nothing as far as siblings. I cant believe how the people I grew up loving have turned into strangers right when we all needed one another the most. So, not only have we lost our parents, we've lost our whole family. Thank you for a place to put my thoughts. I just wish I could tell them one more time how much I love them and just spend more time with them. They were so amazing and so much fun, and left us too soon. I cant believe there will ever come a time when this sharp pain will go away, but I pray that it does. Because its so hard to get out of bed every day feeling like this.