butterflygirl

when my mother passed away 04-01-04 it was almost unbarable,since theni have found ,the one for sure way to get through situations or un resolved feelings or pain from having watched my mothers life slip away day after day for 9 mo.there was a lot of un do self blame ,and what if's,or if only, or did i provide the best possible care ? well looking at this as one big issue it is overwhelming,break it all down to one tiny question,or concern,break that down to,1.what did i do.2. was there any other options.3 .if so play out situation as if you chose different opt. now with reality results ,being what they are,would new choice ,be for the best,or givin the situation,at the time,or was original choice one you can live with,? if yes let it go.if you feel you could of and should of done it different ,1. would it only prolong the in-evitable,or would it cure/or heal,ending with full recovery.we all in some way struggle with simular burning,questions or self blame,and on top of grieving our loss,we pile on all the 2nd.guessing's. (if only or was there one mirrical cure right under my nose and i missed it ? then we question if,we ,with out a doubt provided the best possible care ?(considering this was my first experience at being the sole care provider,who will( cook,provide medication/duties of a nurse,feed ,bath, dress, change soiled clothes/bedding ,no controll of bodliy waste discharge.,entertaining them with book's, laughter,and comforting conversations,just for the reward of seing the smile on there face or sparkle in there eye )it gave me a tremendouse amount of joy being able to hear my mom laugh uncontrolably (at times) others it was all she could do ,to comprehend there was something going on around her little own be able to figure out she was witnessing her great grandson take first steps.bless her heart,at times she responded to our responses,if we laughed,she would copy,regardless if she knew what was funny)as devestating as this whole experience was ,beginning to the very moment i seen her take her last breath,and having gone through just about every emotion possible to include emotionaly and physically exausted,to creating stressfull self doubt/2nd guessing decissions,i am now at peace with how i cared for mom,and i know that despite not having pryor experience or preporation for 9the 9 mo. hand's on emotional training ,i experienced,my mom was the greatest patient/mom that could be ,she was loving , king ,and gentile to the end ,never complained about anything,nor did she try to ask of more things to be done then one could run and do in one swoop,it was not like(feed me ,i need a bath,and read to me.i thank the lord for blessing me with my mother/her love/and for my ability to care for her,and the wonderful years.just try to break down your pain anger guilt ect. till you evaluate each ,and what if anything you can do to change it,then once you decide,(to either except,that you made the best choice possible,or understanding ,know matter what else could of / should of realy doesnt matter because the end results being the same.one day at a time,one situation at a time,are not quite so over whelming,and easily faced , delt with,and excepted =let go of whats out of our hands,do something about /or change it when we can.if there are things you wanted / needed to say or ask.its never to late ,i talk to my mom daily,even if its to express my love for her and to thank her for being the rock that formed the stength ,courrage ,faith in this family by the way sharing my experience with you today with hopes it helps in any way possible has helped me get through what was starting out depressing,as 01-28-05 was to be my moms 62nd. birthday.i was finding it difficult to wake up with peace and joy in my heart,and not much to smile about as (wrong as it is ,i still experience feelings of guilt,when i have fun ,laugh, get excited and filled with joy. ?as if how dare i go on living , laughing ,or enjoying life ,when mom can,t.it takes a little extra push to get self motivated,then i usualy evaluate ,meaning of and reason of expressing sadness for this day when it is a time usualy celebrated.i some how find the possitive side of all ,negitive /or sad situations.hope this helps you.sharing this today helped me find my positive,

I lost my mother on 04-01-2004, the day of my mother's funeral 04-10-2004 , my father, announces that on 04-12-04 he has flight reservations for mexico. I am still in shock and deeply grieving the loss of my mom,when this announcement from my dad left me in a daze, I could not believe he was leaving so soon. I am 36 years old,yet I needed my dad.I felt alone and abandoned, and in a way it felt as though I had just lost both of my parents, how could he leave his four daughters, at a time like this ? Some say this was his way of dealing with the loss of his life partner ,(best friend ,mother of his children ) of 46 years. perhaps ,his way of not dealing with the loss at all. I was now left to stay strong and comfort my younger sister, and figure out how to deal with my own grief ,and how I could go on with life ,when my heart acked deeply from the loss of my mom / my best friend. I had to be encouraging and look for positive things in this heart breaking situation.well dad came home 1 1/2 months later, we did not say much at first,about moms death,yet we found our selves in tears quite often, none of us really knowing what to say. one thing was certain ,we all were in pain and miss mom very much. dad stayed home for three or four weeks,and asked if I would like to by the family home . because he was moving to mexico permanatly only comming home every three months to visit. I have been living in the family home since july 19 2003 ,taking care of mom until she passed on.so I was pretty settled any way. dad went back to mexico, but not before I had the chance to let him know the hurt ,and abandonment ,I felt ,when he left two days after moms service , he deeply appauligized, for the added extra pain I felt.and explained that he come home so soon because,he realized how much he needed us girls to help him with his pain ,and realizing if he needed us that much we must be needing him as well,and how un fare it was to run out so soon. I understand his need to go on, to try and re-build his life at age 63,and having been with mom since he was 18 , there life together was pretty much all he knew. then august 12 2004 dad calls to say..by the way you are about to have a little brother ,and a step mother, I asked what he ment and dad explained that on august 14 2004 he was getting married to a 20 year old women who has a 3 year old son. I just don't understand this ,as mom has only been gone 4 mo. 11 days. yet still ,mom and dad would of celebrated there 46 th. wedding anniversary on 08-25-2004. could dad have forgot mom so soon ? and how was I supposed to address this woman who is 16 years younger then me.there was know way I could look at her as a mother figure. my word she is the same age as one of my nephews ,and younger then my oldest nephew.dad's youngest great grandson will be two in january ,and he now has a step son one year older then,great grand son.this is crazy,not to mention dad has a great grand daughter due in feb.I can only respond to all this one way...that is to honor my mother and all she stood for, I decided to congradulate my dad and wish him the best, because I do love him and want him to be happy,and if this choice he made ,makes him happy ,and perhaps keeps him alive a few more years, then I can except his decission.one sister chose to walk away from dad,another expresses desire to be rude,and intrusive ,only they don't realize we are a reflection of our mom,(how we act ,the way we speak to and treat others,ect..) by behaving dissrespectfull, rude, and mean. then this woman might wonder what kind of mother did we have ? she may think terrible thing's about mom ,( what kind of wife did dad choose to raise there children.well to greet her with welcomming arms,and helping her to feel a part of our family,will reflect the goodness,instilled in me by my mother.moms golden rule = rather you are family or a friend of the family , moms home was open to every one. I have not yet meet my dads wife and step son ,but I feel I am ready to. Dad fully understands I will never call her mom ,nor would I call any one else mom. no matter if she were closer to dad's age. I have but one mother who now lives in heaven..signed butterflygirl

hello; i am responding the new topic by sir 567. I fully understand,your pain .I am 36 years old and my mom / my best friend,passed away 04-01-2004 ,it has been especially hard for me to except. due to some poor choices,I made in 1997 i spent 5 years 8 mo.in prison my mother and little sister were allowed to come spend friday through sun.with me on the prison grounds this privalege I earned,only took place every thirty days. once I served 1 full year,with out any write up's for bad behavior,it was during these weekened visits that mom and I became best friends,the place we wer in was unfortunate,yet the time spent getting to know one another,are memories I will charish for ever.during the last three years moms, health was declining,she sufferd 13 small heart attacks and began to have strokes,that at times left part or all of her body paralized some times lasting weeks or months. and once it left her totally blind.as well ,by the time I had only 1 and a half years left of my sentence,visits had been few and far between,I fully understood why,yet I would get mad or feel let down,I understand now that I was never upset with mom I was angry at my self for being locked up,and not able to see mom and help take care of her.I knew that life as I knew it pryor to prison no longer would exist. my nephews were 19 ,14 ,13 ,12 ,great neice 18 mo. when my sentence began, upon my release they wer 25, 20, 19, 18 ,and one month shy of 8th. birthday.2 hour visit's were great but I no longer knew them,as they were grown with children of ther own. I went in at 29 came out 35, my mom who was in excelant health in 1997,was now week ,partially blind.no longer able to walk,verely able to speak,dad brought mom for a visit 3 months pryor to my release, I was not able to see the graduale changes in mom, (mom as I knew,pryor to prison no longer existed. ) I was not prepared to see her look so broken,it was nearly a year since our last visit. and with in the first 5 min. it hit me, mom will never re-cover.I lost 5yrs. 8mo.of being with my mom/and family.those years gone forever.and knowing at this point that there was very slim hope mom would be alive when I got out.well july 19 2003 I come home.I thank the lord night and day that my mom was still alive.sadly though mom often became confused and at times could not reccognize me or her seroundings.in 2 months of me being home mom suffered 9 more strokes 3 more heart attacks.each one taking more life out of her.I have three sisters 2 older,1 younger,by nov.2003 the Dr.'s explained there was nothing left ,but to make mom as comfortable as possible.my lil sis and I was professionally trained for home care,mom was sent home with a feeding tube,in her tummy.witch constantly was being checked to be sure it was still in the right part of her tummy,we fed mom almost continously as she could only take 2 to 4 ounces of her liquid meal at a time,long story short from nov.till april 1 it was fully left up to lil sis and I to feed, bath cloth,lift and turn so she didnt get bed sores,our days ran together nights were long ,it was a 24 7 duty,the older sisters would not releave us so we could rest or to have time out.they claimed it was to hard to sit here all day and watch mom slowly slip away day after day.how true it was.lil sis and I were physically and emotionally drained.to the point of loughing hystarickly at times for no reason,I guese it's better then crying.well to stop from being on constant verg of a break down, or crying. some how I blocked the reality of mom dying ,out of my mind,so I would be able to focus on giving her the best care possible.it was not till april 1 2004 that the very moment mom took her last breath,it hit me.I blocked it out for so long,and did not have time to process the reality.so to me it was as if she was healthy happy,full of life.going to boom hey moms dying not months from now not days it was oh my god my mom is dying any second.why? how? this cant be.this was the most horrifying heart wrenching sight/experience.of my life. witch the very vision of seeing her pass.floods my mind daily.at almost every thought of mom the vision and horror floods my thoughts of mom.I try to focuss on happy memmories,but they dont last.to this day my pain is just as deep as it was that awfull day.and im left with thoughts of did I do all I could to keep her happy.out of pain out of fear,was there really nothing left for the Dr. to do. did she know it was my honor to be able to take care of her.no matter how drained sis,and I wer,we never let mother see us with out love and smiles filling the room.mom not able to get out of bed.I would at times sit with her and dance.read books to her.draw pictures with and for her. I wonder will the day ever come ,when I will be able to look back on life with my mother, with out the horrifying sight of seing her take her last breath,haunt and flood my vissions? will the beautifull vissions of mothers beauty and happiness shine through? signed butterflygirl;I will always miss mom.

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