bethal121

Well, here I am after more than 4 years. I first came in here to talk about the loss of my grandfather and how angry I was about it. I can't believe I found this place again. I re-read my post and remembered coming here and all the hurt and anger that I felt. The pattern of my thoughts were just repeating the same angry mantra over and over - how could God take my grandpa and allow such indignity? Where was grace? I will say that now, almost 4 years later, I am doing really well. I have made so much peace with his loss. It hurt on the day that the 4th year of his passing came around, but a lot less. I don't think that this was time as much as it was forgiving and beginning to get some distance from the grief. I am facing my mom's illness at this time. She has 50% use of her transplanted kidney. Yet, she is doing well. I am stressed by the thought of it, but somehow, I'm in a different place. Perhaps it's because I know that my faith in Jesus Christ carried me through my grandfather's death. I have a different outlook now, not that this is without pain. I have now graduated college and am working as a consultant for a private college for just over a year. I feel a pride in how much I've accomplished. It isn't just the accomplishment of my first career, but that I moved forward and gained a deeper understanding of who I am. My grandfather meant a lot to me. I will never forget him, and I am not afraid to talk about him and the things that he did. I was remembering how one day he told a story about Mark Twain and was laughing so hard that he was in tears. The rest of my family was laughing too because he was laughing so hard that he couldn't talk. When the story came out, it just wasn't all that funny - but it was still such a heartfelt laugh and I'll never forget it. I encourage others that are currently going through the horrible pain of losing someone recently to remember those good times. For me, I allowed the pain of death to overshadow the good times. It's hard to remember good when the grief is so fresh...but there has to be a way to move through it. I am so glad for my experience here and getting such wonderful encouragement. It came at a time when I really needed it. I just wanted to drop by and encourage you all that the thorn of grief does ache less and less. It is not really time - I would hate to say that to someone. I hated it in my situation. Time doesn't heal all wounds, but processing and talking through the pain with others does a lot. I was at a point where I was ready to end my own life, and I am glad that I didn't. I have witnessed the birth of two new nephews, the marriage of my brother, the news that my brother and his wife are now expecting, my sister's recent engagement, my parent's 35th anniversary. These are a lot of milestones that I would have missed had I not talked through the pain and processed how angry I felt and how much despair I had. With warm and heartfelt thoughts for all that are going through a tremendous loss. And Marty, thank you for all that you do. Bethann

I am so sorry about your husbands lack of support, and I am glad that you stepped out and joined this group. I lost my grandpa on August 2nd, and I am still having such a hard time. Getting over it is not an answer to moving through the healing process of grief is it? I too have used cutting as a resort to end grief, but I find that it makes it worse. I had used it a few days after my grandpa's funeral, but since that time I've strived not to and to allow myself to go through crying and hurting. Maybe this points to his own inability to watch you suffer, since perhaps you are supposed to be the backbone of the family, the strong one and the one that he depends on for emotional support and love. And when you are not in your proper role - it distresses him. More than that, I wonder if there isn't some underlying complication in his own past that prevents him from sympathy or graciousness - his act of shredding your pictures was horrible and emotional abuse. This is another situation aside from what you are grieving - dealing with an abusive spouse is a pain all its own and complicates everything. I am sincerely concerned for your welfare. I urge you to contact a local clergyperson in order to find a grief support group. Who else are you able to reach out to? Brothers, sisters? Is your mom in the picture anywhere? Aunts, uncles, cousins too could help you through this time. It is hard to go through it alone, and sometimes you have to create your own support system when the one you think you had leaves you. I am beginning to understand that loneliness is a huge complication of grieving. I don't know exactly why, but i have been extremely lonely since my grandpa died. It hurts, and I am making some (rather feeble ) attempts to widen my circle of support. I hope that you will update how you are doing....I do care and am concerned for you. bethann

I lost my grandpa on August 2nd, just a few days after his 82nd birthday (july 27) ...and I miss him so much. I went to be with him as often as I could and in the last weeks of his life, though it tormented me to see this dignified man, who i more often saw in suits and nice shoes - and now in only in a diaper. the last days of his life, seemed to me characterized by only pain and being out of rightful mind. whether this was due to the beginnings of althzeimer's or the morphine, I'm not sure. It's now been 2 months, I'd been telling people it was three as I somehow mysteriously entered this divide when I began my college career again after 3 years. I do not want to fail in school (again) ...and this is a brand new school, a new major, a world of opportunities in this private, Lutheran school. I love it - absolutely. And yet, I feel so alone. I have felt so alone, and I am also find myself running through the horrible fits of anger - right now - especially at my counselor who has guided me through the traumas of childhood and adolescent abuses, my own addictions to self-harm, as well as the difficulties of watching my mom go through a transplant and have a very difficult time recovering as she got a virus from the transplant CIV and made her very ill and had her hospitalized just a few weeks after her succesfful transplant of a kidney and pancreas.... anyways, i just feel so angry that she told me that she wanted to see me move through the process of grief and be doing well in school without depression and it makes me so angry at her. i don't know why she thinks it should be so easy ....or that i should be okay. and i want to kill myself at times because of the deep loneliness that although i express and ask for some extra attention from friends - nothing they do seems to be enough. every little thing sets me off into fits of tears or a rage that is inexpressible lest I jeapordize my friendships. I just withdraw and leave because I can't handle this. I don't see what the point is in some senses. And more than that, my faith is shaken in such a way that I call to question the very existance of a loving God - and if this is so, it robs me of all purpose. I don't want to doubt, and that makes me all the lonelier - I feel so isolated in this pain. am i making too much of my grandpa's death? why am I so lonely? bethann

SIR, I am very sorry for your loss, and hope that you will find this place to be of some comfort. I just joined myself. I'm a 26 year old woman, and I lost my grandfather who i was very close with and loved dearly. I still cry almost everyday, and anything seems to set me off. I can understand how you might feel as I was very close to losing my mother last year, she had a kidney and pancreas transplant and that was a very strenuous time in my life as well. She is doing well, but there were a lot of complications with the operation and she didn' do very well for a long time. Just the possibility of losing her was a horrible thing, and I don't know how heartbreaking it is to actually go through such a thing. I am sorry that you are so heartbroken. It may be that being a guy, it is more difficult to have emotion validated by others in your life. I hope that you will find those who will affirm your right to feel loss and sorrow and grief. Your mom was your mom, and that is important and it leaves a big void in your life that takes time to heal. The wounds from such a loss may never heal, you may still find yourself missing her at specific moments 20 years down the road, I hope that as you grieve the loss, you will cleave to the fact that this is not a performance for anyone else. Your feelings are your own, and how you express them does not have to be in a set, clinical "how everyone else does it" type of style - May I commend you for your bravery at coming to such a place - I am so sorry for your loss SIR, i wouldn't doubt if feeling alone is common among grief survivors, because i've been especially lonely lately myself. people want you to "get over" it, but i don't think it is anything to get over...but rather to move through at your own pace ...minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day...step by step, tear by tear...... you are in my thoughts, bethann