MissMyMom

I just wanted to tell you all that I think it's wonderful that you have received some kind of "sign"....it's been 1 year and 5 months since I lost my mom and I wait every day for something...a sign of any kind and nothing has come. It was comforting for me to read what you all wrote and it gives me hope to continue waiting.....

I really understand how you feel and must admit that I'm really starting to feel overwhelmed with this weekend's approach. Mother's Day.....May 8th....will be exactly one year since my mom's death. Last year it was a Saturday and the day before Mother's day and I was in such a fog that it didn't really register what day it was.....this year it's so incredibly hard. I live many many states away from where my mom is buried and can't go to the grave to be with her, talk to her, etc. I haven't been there since the funeral and that breaks my heart. It's so weird to not be getting her a mother's day card, gift, - more importantly a phone call or a visit.....and to try to maintain a happy attitude for my mother in law because it's her day too.....I know that every day is hard and just because it's the anniversary doesn't really make it harder or easier but it seems like this mother's day is almost unbearable. I hope that all of you are able to find a way to feel close to your mom and find a way to get through the day...... Wishing you all peace....

I'm not sure I can help but I wanted you to know that I felt the same way for awhile after my Mom died......and still do occasionally. It will be one year in a few months and it never really gets better but it does get a little easier as some time passes. Some people truly benefit from talking to a professional counselor and I know they can help with the panic attacks. You'll also find a great deal of warmth and support from this group. Please know that you are not alone and please never be afraid to ask for help.....sometimes the grief is truly more than we can manage on our own. Wishing you peace.

Dear BarbJ, I just wanted to reply to your message and let you know that you're not alone. I don't really have any really good words of wisdom because I just lost my mom almost one year ago (May 8th) and I really do understand how you feel. I'm hoping that you are able to find some strength from your children and in the memories of your mom. I also know how hard it can be each day and hope that you will come here and know that you'll find support and understanding. Wishing you peace.

Dear Flo02, I just wanted to let you know that I read your posts and really believe that I could have copied your post and signed my name to it.....I wanted to let you know that I truly do understand how you are feeling about the medication and the possibility that you overmedicated your mom. I don't have any real answers about whether or not it's even possible but I too feel the same guilt and wonder if I did anything to hasten my mom's death. I was the person taking care of her (with my husband's much needed assistance and love) and I was giving her the pain drops under her tongue. The wonderful people at Hospice told me I could give them to her every 2 hours (I think....it was almost a year ago and even though some of the details will never leave, some are starting to get fuzzy) and I didn't want her to suffer in anyway so I would continue to give them to her around the clock. She was in a coma at the end and couldn't speak or tell me if it's what she wanted so I don't know if I did the right thing. It was very frightening and I only wanted to do what was right for her....I would talk to her and tell her that it was all in her hands and that it was ok for her to let go if she wanted to and needed to and that I loved her and that I'd never be mad at her for letting go because I only wanted her to be at peace and I wonder if I did anything to speed it up....did I push her? Did I overmedicate her? She always hated medications and drugs and never wanted to be "not in her right mind" and I didn't like doing anything that I thought she wouldn't like but I didn't want her to feel any pain of any kind...... Sorry I was rambling but I really wanted you to know that you didn't do anything wrong and you were just doing what you thought was best for your mom and I'm sure she knew that and that she loves you for taking care of her. I know that sometimes it seems like no one could ever understand the pain you are feeling but please know you are never really alone..... Wishing you peace...

Hi tootie, After reading your post, I wanted to reply and let you know that I truly do understand how you feel......and I don't know if the guilt will really go away....it has been exactly 9 months today for me..... I was my mom's caregiver even though she lived a day's travel away by plane from me. We talked many times each day, emailed, phone, etc...and my husband and I kept flying back and forth taking as much time off as we could to help her and take care of her......I wanted more than anything in the world to stay with her full time. So I was planning to take a big chunk of time off.....We went for a week and helped her set up hospice care and had figured that we had about 1-2 months with her left. We left on a Saturday am around 5:30.....she was up and was joking around with us....feeling pretty good overall.....we said goodbye but not the "real" goodbye....then we got in the cab and I couldn't stop crying for hours....I just had this weird feeling but I kept pushing away the doubt....we were flying back the next Thursday and I would be talking to her everyday many times.....my sister came to stay with her (they didn't have a great relationship but she was filling in for me....and my mom was ok with it....because she was counting the days until I came back)....I talked to her on the phone that night, the next day and then on Monday my sister said she wasn't really able to talk on the phone too long....so we had a few conversations and she kept asking when I was going to be back.....when I got there on Thursday she was conscious but just coming in and out of it....she told me she loved me...it was muffled and slurred but I know that's what she said...she knew I was there....and that was the last thing that we said to each other.....my brothers arrived on Friday and she was already in a coma....and she died on Saturday am at 4:08 a.m......I was with her....I didn't leave her side....I slept next to her bed.....I took care of her.....I know she was at peace....I know that she didn't struggle....I know I took care of her and I know she knew I was there.....but I can't.....absolutely can't shake the guilt.....why did I leave that Saturday....why didn't I stay....why wasn't I with her those last few days....why didn't I make it better for her....take care of her.....I let stupid everyday things get in the way....my job would have waited.....but I thought we had more time.....there are many more details I remember and will never forget.....I really do try everyday to get past the guilt but I can't..... I don't have any words of wisdom to make you feel better.....I just wanted to share my heartfelt understanding with you and let you know that I pray you can make peace with your feelings.....trust in the love you had for your mom and that she loved you with her whole being.....she never would blame you for taking care of her and doing what you needed to for her health. You are not to blame for taking her to hospital and did not hasten her death.....it was her time and she was with you and that's why she was able to let go....she was at peace and it didn't matter where she was because she was at home with you. Wishing you peace

Marty and others, Thank you for always sharing your hearts and your emotions..... The piece you just shared from Bereavement magazine was incredibly touching and incredibly true. As I am experiencing and as others are too, going through "things" is so overwhelming and I still have many many boxes just stacked in my house. I can't bring myself to go through them and when I do, it's so hard for me to describe...until I read this: "It’s been more than a year now, but we are in no hurry to finish the job, because there is just so much . . . and then no more." Thank you for this......we all feel so alone but I hope it's comforting to see that you truly aren't... Wishing you all peace.....

Thank you both from the bottom of my heart for your messages. Today is my wonderful, beautiful mother's birthday and, as was suggested, I spent the past few days thinking about today and planning for today so that I would have some control over it.....some being the key word there! I took half the day off of work and spoke with my oldest brother on the telephone for about an hour (he and I are approx. at the same place in the process ...functioning but still getting overwhelmed). Speaking with him about my Mom was really good for both of us. We talked about how much we miss her but also about how much she truly wanted us to be happy when we thought about her and how we needed to spend today celebrating her life. I'm sure that everyone's parent wishes the same for all of their children.....that you would be happy and know in your hearts that they will always be with you and that they truly love you. As for how I celebrated it, I definitely took your messages to heart and felt inspired. We have a beautiful lake near our house and my husband and I bought a helium filled birthday balloon that said Happy Birthday Mom....it was covered with lots of pictures of flowers because my mom LOVED the spring....We went to this quiet spot on the water's edge and sang Happy Birthday to her and then we both released the balloon. We stayed and watched it as it floated away and watched it until it disappeared into the clouds.....It's really a cold windy day here but the sun came out as we got there and it was a very emotional but beautiful moment. Thank you again. I truly wish everyone peace and hope that you can hold on to the hope and belief that although you will always miss your mom and/or your dad, it will get easier because they will always be with you.....without them you wouldn't be you and they loved you and nothing can ever change that. Wishing you all peace.

Jan. 13th would have been my Mom's 79th birthday and this will be my first big "day" without her. She died on May 8th last year and at first I truly didn't think I would be able to go on. As time has started to pass, I am functioning but some days are much harder than others. I always find myself reliving the day she died and I'm grateful I was there with her but still find myself focusing on those memories instead of happy ones. I had one dream in which she was there and I was hugging her and crying and telling her how afraid I was to lose her and how I didn't know how I could live the rest of my life without my Mom (I'm 37). That's the only dream I've had even though I pray each night for some sign from her. Now it's her birthday......I got through Christmas by not celebrating and by not staying home. My husband and I took a trip so that I wouldn't have to be surrounded by all the memories (and I've vowed to go back to all my traditions next year.....guess we'll see how that turns out...)....I'm just not sure how to face her birthday...how to come to work and just pretend all is fine.....how to get through the day without talking to her and singing "Happy Birthday" to her.....I was really focusing on how to get through the anniversary of her death (I'm going to go to the cemetary for the first time that day....it's several states away so I can't visit without a planned trip)....but now I'm suddenly overwhelmed by the thought of my mom's birthday.... Thank you for reading this and if you've gotten through a "first" birthday, I'd really appreciate any words of wisdom... thank you and wishing you all peace...

I don't really have any real answers for you about why it's happening but I wanted you to know you are not alone. My mom died in May and I still can picture every second of the last few days of her life and the moment she died. Somedays I think that is the only thing I will ever be able to remember.....I try to block it out with some happy memory, which I can do for about 1 second, and then the end comes back to me. I believe in my heart that time will help and I believe in my heart that someday I will be able to have happy memories but right now it's all I can do to not cry all the time. I know without a doubt that my mom would want me to be happy and that she would want me to remember all the good things we shared and not the sad parting that we had. Please try to hang in there and just try to remember all the love and some happy memory whenever you picture the sad.....and, as alone as you may feel, please know you are not and that others truly understand how you feel. Wishing you peace....

I just wanted to reply to your post and let you know that, no matter how much you may feel like you are totally alone, you really aren't. But, I know how hollow those words can sometimes sound too...I just joined this site because I was looking for support too... I lost my mom on May 8, 2004 and I truly didn't think I was going to be able to go on. I'm 37 and I really just wanted to know when I'd be able to wake up and know I'd be ok.....I'm not going to lie....it hasn't happened yet. My husband is there for me but sometimes I feel so alone and in so much pain. I want a sign from her...I want to know she's ok....I want her back.....but, even in my worst state, I know those things aren't going to happen. I know that people tell you that you'll be ok and you really don't see how....but just try to focus on your mom and what she would want for you. You know in your heart she loved you and always wanted the best for you so I hope you can find some comfort each day in her love....look at the sunshine and believe that she would want you to smile. With each day that passes, try to remember one happy thing each time you are faced with some sadness....sort of a balancing act. At my mom's funeral, my uncle told me that it never gets better but it does get easier. I never believed that but, after 5 months, I am really really trying to remember what my mom always wanted for me and trying to get up each day and just face it with the strength that she gave me......trying isn't always easy so please don't push yourself. Allow yourself to be sad. Allow yourself to cry. Allow yourself to do anything or nothing. And post here and ask for help....you aren't alone in your sadness..... Please take good care of yourself.