drew

My dear, you've got to get out of there for a minute. I totally can relate to what you are feeling. Its almost like a heaviness you carry around with you. Like the rest of the world is going on like normal, and you can't enjoy anything. The ONLY thing that kept me going was getting away from it all every once in a while, even if just for an hour. A friend would take me to lunch, and we would ban all talk of death, sickness, doctors, etc. I just wanted to hear things that normal people talked about! Or I would go to a movie, or go shopping. I just needed to do something with someone who wasn't involved in any of it. I hope this helps. I wish you the very best and I encourage you to nurture yourself as well as those you love. Drew

Leeann Pretty soon i will have to go through exactly what you are going through right now. Its been almost two months since my mom died, and I haven't touched anything at her house. I moved in with my dad, and I still have my mom's purse right here by my desk. I have her clean laundry folded and in a basket at the end of my bed, and her slippers are next to the dresser. Her robe is haning on the door, and her "chemo" hat is on the laundry basket. I don't want to touch ANYTHING! Like you, I had to go through my mom's purse (which was a gift from me) and get out her official stuff like driver's liscence, appt. cards, etc. I felt weird going through her purse, and I still don't want to. There's even money in there still!!! I am graduating in May, and that is when I plan to go through the house. There are five bedrooms, two bathrooms, kitchen, living room, dining room, and game room. Plus the basement and attic and garage. It is all the exact same as the day mom went into the hospital. Dirty dishes in the sink, clothes in the hamper, her bed isn't even made. THe only differnce is that my mom's best friend came over and helped me go through the food in the kitchen so it wouldn't go bad. Her friend also went ahead and went through the medicine cabinet and dumped all the pain meds, etc. She threw out mom's tooth brush and hair brush. At the time it seemed ok, but now I wish I had those things...weird, I know. I found a clump of mom's hair the other day from when it started to fall out. I kept it and put it in a book. It just didn't seem right to throw it away. Anyways, I hope that you are able to get through everything. If you want to share any of your experiences with us, please do. We just have to press on. Drew

Mike, I'm so glad that you have joined us here. This place truly has become my family and everyone here is wonderful. I'm so sorry that you lost your mom. Posting here has helped me a great deal, so I encourage you to do the same. God bless, Drew

Oh sweetie... I'm so sorry that you had such a rough day. I know that some days are harder than others for me too. Today I went back to work for the first time in 2 months! I was terrified! But I did it, and I'm home now, exhausted, and I wish that I could talk to my mom. So instead, I came to this site. You all are my friends now, and I feel like everyone here relates. So remember, you are not all alone. You have us. Drew

I totally can relate. Doing even the smallest tasks seem huge obstacles. It seems like everything reminds me of mom...cleaning house, laudry, grocery shopping, driving, school, work, etc. I too am in charge of her house, which is actually my home. I moved in with my dad, but my mom's house is where I grew up. I'm still in college and mom's house was literally "home!" I bought a small house last year, and havne't lived in it hardly at all since mom got sick. I just put it on the market last week because i can't handle all this responsibility. I've been avoiding mom's house, but yesterday one of her friends needed something that they had loaned mom, so I had to go over and get it. I just burst into tears when i walked in, and laid on mom's bed smelling her pillow. There are still dirty clothes in the hamper, and her suitcase is packed at the end of her bed, ready to go back to Chicago for treatment. It seems like she should walk through the door, and I don't want to move anything because then it will all be too real. Once I clean out her house and sell it, then she's really gone forever and its over. It seems like one hard thing after another. This morning I woke up and thought about how every valentines day my mom would make heart shaped pancakes and we would do something special when i got home from school. I'm sad because my birthday is coming up on the 25th and I'll be 22. Mom said that when she got better, we were going on a cruise for sure! Now I don't know what I'll do for my birthday.

Nettan, I am so sorry that you lost your grandmother. It is so difficult when you lose someone so close to you. My mom died in Dec. 2007, and she was my very best friend. I can totally relate to the emotional rollercoaster. My friends and family don't know how to act around me. One minute I want them to be funny and the next I want them to be somber and cry with me. Then sometimes i want to be alone, and others I wish someone would call me. Just take it one day...one moment at a time. Be easy on yourself. Treat yourself how your granny would've treated you. Take care, Drew

Cindi, I am so sorry for your dad. From my own experience, I know that it is difficult to talk about my mom's death with my dad. They were divorced since I was 2, and he is remarried and has another child. But he talks about how much he misses my mom. He even cries, and I know he feels terrible. You would think that after losing my mom, I would want to cling to those that I have left, but as time passes, I find myself wanting to shut them out. I don't want to be close to my dad and step mom. Even though they love me, and try to support me, its never good enough. Sometimes I just want to be rid of them. It was always my mom and I, and now they are all I have. I am being forced to love and like and spend time, and I don't want to. Sorry for all the rambling, it just feels good to be honest.

Tammyk, I am crying just reading your post. When you told of your dad drawing a heart... truly emotional. When life is reduced to so little, we seem to realize so much. It wasn't until my mother couldn't communicate, that I missed all the things that used to drive me nuts. Now no one nags me to do homework. No one calls my cell phone for no reason. No one cares where I am or who I am with. I have all the freedom in the world... But all I want is my mom back so she can tell me what to do.

Kathy, I'm so sorry that your mom had to suffer. I can relate to what you describe about having to decide to stop her suffering. No one should have to watch a loved one suffer like that. But the fact is that YOU survived. For some reason we are still here and that gives a little hope. I'm so glad you found your way to this site. Keep coming back and posting. Just reading others' posts has been extremely helpful for me also. This place truly is like a family. Drew

Rosanne, The night that I told my mom is was ok to die, she too was trying to talk, but couldn't. Her eyes got frantic and she kept trying to sit up and wave her hands. I was bawling like a baby, and I sat down on the bed with her and told her that it was ok. She didn't have to say anything. I then proceeded to tell her what I thought she wanted to say to me, and she calmed right down. She then put her arms out, which is a type of sing language that we worked out during those last weeks. It meant that she wanted me to put my head in her arms so she could run her fingers through my hair. Ever since I was little, my mom would sit and run her fingers through my hair everyday while we talked about what happened that day. I put my head close to her hands, and she pulled me close to her chest. I laid there until she fell asleep. That was Christmas Eve of 2007. A few days prior to that she motioned that she wanted a tablet to write on. I gave it to her, but she was writing nonsense. None of the words were spelled correctly, and she was writing them on top of each other. Then I gave her a picture of the two of us. It was taken in late February of 2007, just 10 months before. We were out to eat for my 21st birthday. That was just after she was diagnosed. She held the picture and looked puzzled. I think she recognized us, but didn't really know that it was she and I. That's when I knew that it was almost over. I can't help but cry when I think of those times. I hope that we can all find some kind of happiness after this. Maybe we should look to love others who are still alive the same way we love those who we have lost. I can't help but think that my mom would have wanted that.

CFH, I am so sorry that we have to go through this. It is difficult for me to talk about it with anyone also. I find that most of my friends have been avoiding me. They don't know what to say. Its hard because everyone else can go back to their own lives, but I still sleep in the room my mom was in. Her dog is now my dog. Her house/car are now mine. She always vaccumed, now I do. She was the cook...now I have to learn. Its funny because last night I made maccaroni and cheese for myself for dinner, and I could just hear mom saying, "That is not dinner! Fix some chicken and veggies to go with it!" If you ever need or want to talk about anything, please feel free to message me or post on this site.

I really miss my mom today. It is so sad for me to think of her last year of life. I realize now that she loved me more than anything, and gave up everything for me. I only hope to be as strong and wonderful as she was. Today on the way home from class, I wanted to call mom because I met a girl that I might be interested in...but then it all hit me again. No one cares about that stuff like mom did. She would have been so excited, and would have stayed up tonight with me, giving unsolicited advice and telling stories of her own past. Instead, I called her best friend who lives far away. We talked, cried, and I felt a little better. It just makes me sad that my wife will never know my mom. My kids will not know their grandma. I'm graduating from college this May, and my mom had made plans for just she and I to go to Europe for the summer. This last year i turned 21 and we were supposed to go on a cruise, but then she got cancer so she said we would go next year instead. Now we'll never go. I just can't stop crying. People talk about God's plan, but this doesn't feel like God's plan. This feels like it sucks. I just want my mom back.

I know exactly what you mean sandralb... It was only after my mom died that I truly began to grasp the great deal of pain she must have been in. During her last week alive, I was pressuring my mom to get out of bed and walk. She would just close her eyes and frown and ignore me. I got so frustrated with her. One of the nurses took me aside and told me that my mom was is much more pain than she was letting on. After she died I went through her medical records and recent scans and saw that the cancer was in her brain, skull, jaw, lung, back, shoulder, eye...basically everywhere. I am crying right now just thinking of how much pain my mom must have been in...and for quite some time. She never liked to take pain medicine, but the last few months, I remember her begging me for more medicine, but I couldn't give it to her because it wasn't time yet. I carried liquid morphine and vicodin in my pocket for 3 months. We never went anywhere without those and a syringe (she had a feeding tube). It is all so sad because my mom was so young and full of life. I just wish she was here.

Its been over a month now since my mom died, and I am starting to feel like I don't care about anything. I've gone to two counseling sessions, and the first was really good. The second...not so good. We are getting into some deep issues and I don't think I'm ready to do all that. I just wonder when life is going to be better. I'm tired of school, I still haven't gone back to work, and I'm tired of people asking me how I'm doing. I don't feel close to God at all. I used to be such a strong Christian...in fact, I'm going to school for ministry, and I now want nothing to do with it. I hate feeling this way!!!! I feel so mean lately. I have my good moments, but it seems like under it all, I'm very cynical. I don't trust anyone or God. I feel like I've been deceived and I can't see myself ever having the same relationship with God. I've tried to just trust and have faith or whatever, but being in church makes me feel icky now. I can't pick up my Bible, and praying is a major obstacle. I just want to move away where no one knows my story and I can just be normal! I just want to be happy. Is that so wrong? I know that my mom is gone. I get it. But now how do I move forward with my life. I can't just go back to that person I used to be. I can't just go back to that same faith because obviously I was wrong about my beliefs. There is no formula for healing. AGHHHH!!! This just feels so awful. Can anyone relate?

I find it difficult not to think of the terrible times. In fact, sometimes it feels almost comfortable to go to that place. I can instantly put myself back in the hospital room or my mom's room at home. Then I relive the whole last year and cry and cry and cry. I try to figure out where it all went wrong. I try to figure out what I could've done differently. I talk to mom and tell her that its ok and that I'm not going to let anything happen to her. Its a sad, pitiful picture, but its my everyday life. I realize its only been a month since she died and that it is ok for me to still be here. However, I fear that I will never leave this place. This is the longest I've ever gone without talking to my mom. It just doesn't feel right. The terrible part is that I wish that my mom was still here, even if she were still sick. That is so selfish, but I miss her. Reality is, nothing I could have done would have saved her. The cancer was everywhere toward the end. I just didn't want to believe it. We never accepted the fact that she was dying, and I wish we would have.

My dear sandralb, I think that is wonderful that you are living your life to the fullest! I went to dinner with a friend of my mom's the other night. She lost her teenage son (a friend of mine) a few years ago. She told me that there are two kinds of grief. One is good and one is not. The kind of grief that makes you sad and miss them is ok. That is normal and healthy. The kind of grief that takes over for long periods of time and causes deep depression is not healthy. Its comparable to picking at a scab and always making the wound worse. Instead she said we should nurture the wound, so one day instead of hemoraging, it is just a trickle of blood. I thought that was very insightful, and it gave me permission to be sad, but also to be happy. It is so easy to fall into depression, but that's not where I want to be and that surely is not where my mom would have me be. Good luck, Drew

Cindi, I know exactly what you mean. I moved back in with my dad because I couldn't be alone anymore. However, even with him and my step-mom and my half sister, and the two dogs, I feel so lonely. The only person I want is my mom. I go to class everyday and feel like NO ONE understands. In fact, just today someone came up to me and asked how my mom was doing. I sat there, and didn't know what to say. I told them that she passed away, and there was this awkward silence, like they didn't know what to say. I just wanted to run to my car and go home! But then class started and I just sat there for an hour and a half feeling so lonely. Now I'm home and I just found a magazine that my mom had written a note on: "I circled some things I want! " I should have bought all that stuff for her. Just seeing her hand writing makes me miss her more. She was so funny! Who leaves a catalogue on their son's desk with a note basically saying, "buy me stuff!" She cracks me up. Ugh, this is such a roller coaster of emotions. Just know that you're NOT alone. We are all here for you! Love, Drew

Cindi, I remember having to sign the DNR papers for my mom. The doctor told me that if they had to put her on life support, she would never come off it and it would be very traumatic for her and us. They also said that if they had to do CPR, they would have to break her ribs. So I signed the papers and cried until I made myself sick. Then 3 days later my mom woke up out of the blue and was like, "what is this DNR bracelet doing on my arm?" So I had to explain to her what it was and why I did it. She got mad and had a nurse bring in new papers for her to sign and changed her status to full code. The doctors took me aside and told me that I needed to convince her to change it back, but how does a 21 year old kid tell their mom to give up? She wanted to live. Three weeks later she suffered some brain damage and wasn't able to communicate well at all. Finally she slipped into a coma. One of the nurses was completely honest with me and gently told me the story of how she took care of her dad until he died. Then she said that my mom was dying. And it was the first time that someone really said it. And she told me that the best thing I could do for my mom was to sign the DNR papers. She said that nothing I could do would make my mom better, but I could give her the gift of a beautiful death. I thought long and hard about it. I talked to my mom about it, even though she was out of it. Finally after about an hour, I asked the nurse to change it. That was Christmas day, and my mom died the next day. I still wonder if I did the right thing. But then I flash back to my mom trying to talk but just gibberish coming out. I can still see the fear and frustration in her eyes. I remember the pain she was in. And then I think that maybe it was the right thing. Many nights I play songs on my cd player that were special to me and mom. I just lay in bed and cry. Hopefully some day life will get better. Until then, I just try to think of my mom in the good times.

Oh Cindi, This post made me think of my mom. Her favorite song was "In the Garden." In fact, that's the song that we played at her funeral (at her request). I can't hear that song without crying. I have a cd with soft music that I played in my mom's hospital room the last few days before she died. The song that was playing when she died (and it is my favorite song) is called "Thanksgiving." Some nights I dim the lights in my room (like it was in the hospital) and turn the song on softly. Immediately I can put myself back with my mom and I just cry and cry and cry. It is just so difficult to move on.

Cindi, That is terrible about your work! How insensitive can they be!? And in regards to what your husband said about being over it by now...YOU WILL NEVER GET OVER IT! For crying out loud, you lost someone very close to you! Grief takes time and we don't just "get over" those we love... we can move forward with our lives, but we don't have to forget them and pretend we're ok. My therapist told me this week that I don't have to be strong. Right now, I can be and act as weak as i feel. And I do feel weak. So last night when someone gave me those sad puppy eyes and asked how I was, I told them that I was sad and felt lousy. Just saying that made me feel better! Some days are good, and others are bad. And that's OK! I'm so glad that you've found an outlet here! It really does help to get things off your chest. Keep coming back and posting. And by the way, You ARE strong. Drew

Oh I know what you mean Cindi! My mom's best friend was supposed to take me to dinner the other night. But when I got out of class I had a message from her saying that she wasn't going to be able to make it, and I completely fell apart! I got home and curled up on the bathroom floor and just bawled for an hour. I felt like an idiot but I didn't care. I thought about when my mom was sick and I would walk her to the bathroom and sit and talk to her while she was on the toilet. She was so weak. Sometimes when her pain meds made her constipated, I would have to coach her through a bowel movement. I know that's gross but when its your mother, you do what you gotta do. For some reason, laying on the bathroom floor made me feel close to my mom. My dad and step mom probably think I'm nuts now, but I just couldn't handle it. I think that when my mom's friend cancelled dinner, it made me feel abandoned all over again. Eventually we will work through some of these things! Just be patient with yourself! Drew

Oh Cindi... I am so sorry that you have to experience this pain. I know exactly what you mean when you say that you want to curl up in a corner. I lost my mother less than a month ago and I too have trouble sleeping. Even Ambien doesn't help. But my dear just the fact that you are here tells me that you are at least seeking some type of support. And that is GOOD! You're mom would want you to be well. It is going to take time. I cry everyday. But I would suggest that you find a good grief couselor. It helps to just talk to someone. They don't judge you, and they are used to dealing with people who are hurting...and right now we are those people...and that's OK! I wish you the best and you are in my prayers. Drew

Oh Lea, I found as my mom got really sick, most of my friends stayed at a distance. I just don't think they knew what to do. My very best friend of 20 years (my whole life since I'm only 21!) did not even understand the magnitude of my grief. After my mom was admitted to the hospital (3 weeks before she died) my friend asked if I would be her designated driver to go to a party. HELLO?! My mom is dying in front of me and needs me...NO I don't feel like partying! Then when my mom died, my friend kind of disappeared. My mom half raised this girl and we have been close all of our lives. Now, when I need her most, she is too caught up in her own life to even be there for me. It really makes you take a second look at your friends. It is difficult for me not to judge her, but all I can do is be a better friend to people. Just know that you are worthy of good friends!!! And when all else fails, be a friend to yourself. Picture someone you love losing their parent. What would you say to them? What would you do for them? Now say and do those things for yourself. Drew

Well today I went to my first counseling session ever! I actually didn't want to go at first, but I'm so glad I did. My school offers 8 free seesions of counseling to every student per year. So I went in today and within the first 5 minutes I was crying like a baby. The couselor was so understanding and had lost her father, so she could kind of relate. It just felt good to get all of those feelings out...and I could be completely honest! I can't wait until my next session. In fact, I found out that grief counseling isn't the only kind of counseling I need! There are some other issues that we are going to get into, but she said that dealing with the grief is our first priority. She gave me permission to NOT be strong, and that felt good...weird ...but good. Usually I am the one who is giving advice and telling people its ok. But for now it feels good to have someone listen to the stories about my mom, and to listen to my feelings of anger, saddness, confusion, etc. If anyone is debating whether or not to go to counseling I would HIGHLY suggest it. Even if you think you're ok, just try one session. I feel like there is some hope now! Although I will never get over my mom's sickness and death, maybe I can work through some of these feelings and be a healthy person.

Ugh, good that I'm not the only one who gets so upset when I see people with their moms! A lot of my friends complain about their moms all the time. I can't stand that! I just want to punch them and say, "Hey! At least she isn't dead!" Its been three and a half weeks since my mom died, and I get so upset when I go out to a resaraunt and see all these old women who look like they're on the brink of death, and my mom was only 53 and full of life. Every time I hear my grandma (my dad's mom) complain about an ache or pain, I just think, "Why didn't she die?" I know that's terrible, but she's in her eighties. I used to be really close to my grandma and I guess we still are, but its hard for me to see her and not think about my dear mother getting terribly sick and dying.