Lily

Hi Teny - I started to write and somehow got disconnected so I hope this goes through - I don't get online much anymore because I just have these feelings of hopelessness where nothing helps - the emptiness and pain are still here and all on the inside - on the outside - well I guess I act ok and do things "normally" - my flowers are blooming - my bills are paid - the house is being maintained - I visit with neighbors, etc....but I really don't want to be here anymore. My dad died last October, just a year after Rich, but I feel the loss of Rich so keenly that I don't think I'm able to feel the true loss of my dad. But I saw your post today asking about old friends and it touched me because sometimes I feel I have no one - just no one who knows the heaviness of my heart as people who have posted on this site. Today is a miserable dark raining day and I feel worse on these days - I wish the sun would come out - but even then I feel no joy .... I'm going to try to find a counselor - just someone to talk to if nothing else. I did want you to know though that you're not alone in your grief and to thank you for caring. Lily

Dear Kim, I'm so sorry...I know that sometimes the grief and pain and sadness are so bad that you just want some relief, some rest, some peace...and unless you're talking or being with someone that has gone or is going through the same kind of loss, there just seems to be no real understanding...no comfort...and the darkness of the loneliness just is almost unbearable at times. Don't be angry at your uncle, Kim...I don't know the circumstances, but maybe he, also, felt a desperation, a pain so bad that we can't penetrate and for him the only way to end his particular pain was to end his life. I know that when Rich died, I did not want to live and many times I would say this, but people would always come back with something like "Oh you have a long life ahead of you" or "God has a purpose for you"....so I just stopped talking. I realized that one of the reasons I was saying it aloud was I so desperately wanted someone to help me with my pain and I thought I guess if I said it aloud they would understand how bad the pain was; but they just shushed me and then I thought of how over the years when I'd heard someone had committed suicide, and I'd ask "how was he doing; was he depressed? and the answered inevitably always was something to the effect - no, he seemed fine; we were watching tv last night and he was talking normally; or no seemed ok, came over to visit last evening and brought the kids some candy; and then went home and committed suicide...and I thought - they were asking us somehow to hear their pain and we didn't hear them, they seemed ok. I think, KIm, you have to do what is best for you now. You don't need to go to the funeral; no one can possibly judge you harshly for that...and if they do, then so be it; they don't really know you then, do they. You have so much to carry in your already broken heart, don't make it worse. Take care of yourself. Lily

Happy Birthday, Teny....My wish for you is that the coming hours, days, months bring with them some peace for you. Lily

Dear Walt, It's been a while since I've been here, but I got on today because I need the comfort and this is the place I get some - I guess it's because I can feel the loss of all of us - not the pain of each...but the understanding of how deep the pain has touched us all somehow touches my soul and that touching somehow comforts me - maybe because then I don't feel so alone ... I don't know. I know in my mind that Rich has been gone for more than a year and yet it's as though we were together doing life just yesterday...I miss his arms around me, his laughter, his instructions on how to do things which I would patiently listen to, I just miss him so much. I guess to look at me, I look ok - I eat, I sleep, I shower, I take care of the house, the car, the bills, I talk with neighbors, some family, some friends - but my heart and soul just seems to look past all that.... So, I think I know how you must feel after you lost Jeannie. Over the months, I have "filled" my life with "things to keep me occupied"....but I miss the man I loved and who loved me. That's it in a nutshell. I can't think of what "God had a purpose" could possibly mean....or "God has a purpose for you" what does that mean???? I don't want to offend anyone, but what does that even mean??? I don't get on to post because I'm often afraid that my comments may have a depressive efffect more than a helpful one and that I'll make someone even sadder...then I think I'll take a chance because I know that reading others' posts often helps me by either a comforting - letting me know I'm not alone in my sadness or feelings, or an empathizing - when others tell of their experiences with those who either can't understand the loss, feel uncomfortable with us, offer words that are hurtful because they're just not thinking,,, Walt, I think we're survivors - but not filled with the joy of life anymore. I don't know whether that ever comes. I'm only hoping that someday I won't feel this heavy sadness because it's wearing me down and I just don't know what to do for it. I've tried and keep trying to find a focus - but this life without Rich is not what I enjoy. No one and nothing fills the void. I know we're all different and we all feel the pain and the loss differently and so I sincerely hope that this post ofmine is not hurtful to anyone who is suffering a recent loss, making them feel as though there is no hope. You know, one of the things about Rich was his being by my side always - if I said "oh I can't do that", he would always says something like ' of course you can; you just think you can't" or "you can do anything you want, if you just put your mind to it" - he was there saying this when I went to law school, when I was preparing for a difficult trial, when I was trying to learn how to ride a bike as a 40 year old; trying to stop circling in my kayak; trying to figure out how things worked....he was just there encouraging....I think sometimes he's still here encouraging me to go on and maybe that's why I'm not holed up in a room with the blinds drawn or a suicide...When I think I can't go on anymore, I can imagine him saying "Yes, you can". So I do. Maybe, Walt, we'll move forward - it's just that like you say to what - we don't know yet - but maybe someday. Lily

Dear Peggy, you must be hurting so bad...and no matter what anyone says, words just don't help...sometimes you just want everyone to just keep quiet and just listen to your pain, just sit there and let you cry and cry and cry...I just wanted someone to (who really cared and loved me) to hold me, to let me cry and talk about Rich (that's my husbands name also)...but it always seemed as though my crying made people uncomfortable, they felt compelled to say things - like they have to you - "life goes on"/"you have to move forward"/ "would Rich want this"...so I eventually just began to hold things in when around others - but, Peggy, I still cry and I still hurt and I wish I could tell you otherwise....but I get through the days by forcing myself - and I mean forcing - to do things -only the basics but I feel that if I sat with nothing to keep my mind busy, I would lose my mind, but yet not lose the memories and would hurt even more if that's possible....Like you and your Rich, my Rich and I met when I was just 17; we would be celebrating our 47th anniversary this Feb. 24 and I miss him so. I can't believe that he will never be in my life again. I know the awfulness of the pain and lonliness you're feeling. I wish and pray for some peace for you and for all of us in this group. Coming here is really the only place of contact with good and kind friends who don't feel the need to tell you life goes on and you have to move forward or you can't cry everyday, it's not good for you. Peggy, you're not a burden on those who really matter. You've lost a good man a strong man in his love for you...you can't not have a broken heart....if I could hold you and hug you while you cried, I would....instead all I can do is to let you know that writing here helps....I always say it helps for only a while....but every little bit of comfort we can get is so necessary. Lily

Dear Mary, I haven't been getting online for quite awhile because nothing seems to really help me ....today I did because I just sometimes get so desperate for some relief, some human contact that can understand....and I saw your cry for help. I don't know if my writing to you will help - sometimes just knowing that there are others who understand - really understand, does help - if only for a moment or two. My husband and I were married in 1962 and he died in my arms October 2007...and still I can't get him out ofmy thoughts...he is with me in everything I do...and on the surface, I act reasonable, rational, sane and so people think i"m ok...."she's doing fine", "you seem to be better" - and all I can think of is - they just don't know....it seems as though the world thinks you have to be crying and screaming and unable to function - and then it's depression...I do cry almost everyday - and I miss him so much I don't think my heart will ever stop breaking - like you and your husband - we really liked each other - even after all those years - we talked, and laughed and joked and teased and argued and bickered - but we were always there for each other - always understood who came first, I guess. We live in Pennsylvania, but when the treatments for his cancer became useless, I drove with him to California for a clinical...and there in California he died as I held him in my arms. Like you, I'm tired of the cliches - the stages of grief - the don't be afraid to cry - the it's ok to cry (don't tell me what I know; and I never thought or said I was afraid to cry or questioned whether it was ok to cry - //don't tell me it'll get better because you don't know what or who I've lost - and yes, maybe someday I won't cry everyday - but I will love Rich to the day I die - and the hurt and pain of not having him with me - just watching tv or kayaking or biking the rails trails or calling me to help him with somethinghe was fixing in the garage or basement - or teasing me - or us joking around while shopping - or just walking holding hands - or his being there by my side for every problem, or sickness, or death in the family - or for every stress I ever had - he was just there....I know that you know Mary that words just don't do it....do they? I can listen to a friend talk and respond, but all of that is superficial....I feel no joy; I'm not living - just existing. And it's not that I don't do things - I go for walks, I shop (for basics), I watch tv, and I read -I have always loved reading, but now It takes all my effort to concentrate...I've tried making some small items for donations to charities - and all of this keeps me busy - but I dream about Rich almost every night...and I don't know what else to do to give me peace and serenity - I've tried watching inspirationals on tv and for the moment I either cry or feel soothed - but nothing lasts - if I could die today it would be ok. I don't have a large family; we didn't have children; and we didn't live in our "hometown" so I really don't have easy access to extended relatives and don't really know them...my father, who was 92, died just a few months ago...after I came back from California, I stayed alone in our home and I would talk to my dad over the phone - he lived alone and he wanted me to come stay with him...and I just couldn't....I just didn't have any energy or heart left to give to anyone else...I knew I couldn't - just couldn't be the caretaker I would have to be. I just couldn't. All my life, I gave - my love, my time, my thoughts...but after Rich died - I guess I was finally depleted and devoid of any real feelings - I don't know how else to express it - I loved my dad but I just couldn't give anymore. And I thought that after all the years I had with Rich, of all the things we were going to do with each other - was over and I was right back to the young girl of 17 who hadn't grown yet ...people want me to get out - "you have to try things", but, see, I have already "tried things" I know at this stage of my life what I like to do, or who I like or don't, ....Rich and I had been through a lot and through the years we knew each other and what we wanted to do or didn't - so it's not as though I'm being stubborn - my life was formed with Rich and I can't just "start" again. Mary, if I've not helped,I hope I haven't hurt you more. It's just I know that unless you are going through this, you can't understand. People try but they can only say words and not feel the pain and if they haven't suffered the loss that you have, they're not really understanding your pain. One of the characters in Iris Murdoch's "The Sacred and Profane Love Machine" says "Of course bereavement is a darkness impenetrable to the imagination of the unbereaved...." It's true. Can you get help for your dad? Because with the sadness that you're having, with this unspeakable darkness, you can't do this. I don't know how you're doing it now. The sorrow, the grief, the emptiness and desperation must surely be almost unbearable. I'm so sorry you lost your husband, your friend, your kindred spirit, your heart. I wish I could take your pain away because even though I can't feel your pain, I can feel mine and I know how agonizing it can be. We were fortunate to have such good friends as husbands - I saw this somewhere - and wrote it down just can't remember where it's taken from "Who you can trust and will help you in times of sadness...who will defy the storms of daily life at your side" I think your husband must have been that....keep writing to him - I write to Rich all the time and it helps because I can say things to him that I can to no other... I don't have to be afraid that I'm frightening others, or boring them, or insulting them by not following their advice; he knows me - always has. I know that you had that too...write to him. Lily

Dear Rosemary, I haven't come on site for awhile because, I don't know - just don't feel like it - and this feeling even though it's about the only place I believe I'm understood....but for me, missing my husband and the feeling of desperation, sadness, emptiness seems to be getting worse....he is not coming back to me and I feel sick with that realization...and, really, I don't want to live like this....and I'm tired and bored with the questions, Would Rich want you to be like this? Well, I know he wouldn;t want me to suffer anymore than I would want him to suffer/ And you have to just keep going on and it will get better! (And how do they know that? how can they know that? when they don't know what and who I've lost) They, maybe can understand, ---but can't feel the pain, the tightness, the hardness, the complete emptiness. When I keep up the conversation (mostly them doing the talking - with appropriate responses - well - you're doing better. God - I am so tired of hearing that - I just want to scream - but then that would just scare them, wouldn't it and so instead of the bereaved being supported or comforted or understood - it's the bereaved who has to think - don't make them feel uncomfortable - talk about what they want to hear or listen to their lives - and don't they know that just listening to their everyday little moments is torture - because I don't have that --- and then I feel selfish and angry at myself - because these people do have a life and why am I angry at them - but do they think I feel love and support and comfort when I get the once every 3 mos phone call - I feel like the obligatory afterthought - and I especially like the "God has plans for you" - Well - I just wonder what they could be - because right now - everything seems like an irrelvancy to me -- and I just can't imagine what I would rather do that walk holding hands with the man I loved. I picked up an IrisMurdoch novel - The Sacred and Profane - and saw this "...bereavement is a darkness impenetrable to the imagination of the unbereaved...." and I believe that's why we get comfort when we come on to this site....but I can't do this 24 hrs a day - so when I get off - I do "stuff" - I try to read; I try to help others who are not well, I clean, I shop, I take walks, I talk to people, etc....but have absolutely no joy, no peace. I live alone, have no children, no real friends, and when I attempt to reach out I have been disappointed - it seems as though I've become a sounding board for those who want to talk about their problems to someone who hasn't heard it all before - or even just tell their stories to someone who hasn't heard it before - ok I'll listen - because it takes my mind off myself - but then that all just reinforces that I Am Alone - and I can't imagine finding another person like Rich - who in 45 years never let me down - always there with the arm over my shoulder or hand in my hand - no angel or saint by any means - and certainly the 45 years had ups and downs but he was my solid rock...and we really like each other...after all those years. Right now I am so tired. I hope reading this doesn't make you feel worse...when I read your post, I wanted to just hold you and not say a word...I can't feel your pain, but I know what pain is and I understand you. Lily

Kathy, Like you, I have my girl, Little Roo, who is such a good friend. Rich and I loved dogs and he, especially, liked cats...so I now have 4 cats and 1 dog (Roo)...all of them were tiny babes that we found on the rails to trails where they had been dumped....if I didn't have them with me now, and especially Roo (who is not so little anymore) I don't know if I would be here now. I think Roo needs a companion - her sister died about 2 years ago and I thought about getting another dog - but, once again, like you, I'm not certain that I could deal with any problems that might arise; and I don't know if I have the energy for training a puppy. Right now, Roo and I are inseparable and I know the Dog Whisperer would shake his head at me because I treat her like a "human"....but if it weren't for her, I'm not certain I would be going outside the house for those long walks in the woods that she loves and helps me some...or those long rides with her sitting along side me....if we saved her life so many years ago, she certainly is saving mine now. But I know that when we first brought her home (we already had two others that have since died), it seemed as thought every other day they were digging out from under the fence going on adventures known only to them We would either have to go searching or just wait and ultimately they would return.....but I bring this up because I could not imagine how I would handle that now....but they are love aren't they? Let us know what you decide to do...Lily

Cheryl Lee, you must be hurting so much now that words can't describe the pain. My husband had pancreatic cancer and died in my arms and I wanted to die with him. I came home though and like you, sat at the computer and cried and cried while pleading for help...when I had no where else to go and no one who really listened or could hear the heartbreak - I came here and felt the words of comfort. I hope it will be the same for you. Lily

John, your poem is beautiful. Lily

Dear PattyAnn, I'm so sorry. I was with Rich when he died and I have cried every day - it's as though I'm filled with tears and nothing else. I don't know your pain, but I know it's there and how much it hurts - I know that somedays I find mine almost unbearable and don't really see why I should live, and yet people that have not either had the kind of relationshps we had or have not lost someone in their relationship seem to think you're ok or better or getting along just fine because outwardly we look "ok". I look at picture of Rich and even now, 10 months after he died, there's a part of me that must not be able to accept the horror of it, because I still can't believe he's gone. It's not that I sit and stare at his pictures, but when I'm dusting or moving something or just anything and I see him, I honest to God, can not believe he's gone from me forever. Anyhow, PattyAnn, this sounds crazy,but I wanted you to know that your're in my mind and my heart. I don't know if this will help, but a friend of mine told me that when her husband was in the hospital and was near death but later was revived, that he told her he felt a peace come over him and felt very soothed; he didn't feel anxious ; he didn't feel fear - only a calm. I have to believe that your last moments must be that way. Love, Lily

Dear Kim, I just read your last post and it was almost as though you were sitting here in my kitchen talking because I could just feel the pain and sadness and that heartfelt gratitude...you're right-the friends here make life a little more bearable...no lecturing or analyzing - just listening and hearing and comforting - My thoughts are with you and Pam. Lily

Dear Kim, At times when I read these posts, I feel so so sad because there just seems to be nothing that makes the sadness or pain go away or even bearable....sometimes words, comfort by friends or family helps - but only temporarily and then the despair seems to come back...but at least -at least - there's this temporary relief...sometimes I think I'll lose my mind if I don't start feeling better...and like you - I'm having an anniversary date of sorts - August 19 - that was one year ago that Rich and I arrived in California for his treatment at a clinical trial for pancreatic cancer....we had SO MUCH HOPE...but it didn't work and he died in California...2500 miles from home...I can't stand these days. If it wasn't for my one cousin, I don't think I'd be here now....but as I listened to "IRish Blessing" put on here by Dusky...she is "the friend who is worth that name"....she is hours away, but calls me almost every day and I don';t know if she even realizes how much she is helping me....Kim, I hope from the deepest part of my soul that coming here to this site is helping you....I know how much I miss Rich and knowing that I can know how much you are hurting. Love, Lily

Teny, I wish I could hug you - sometimes I think no one really understands this terrible emptiness except the friends on this post - I can't find any joy in life - I look around me and feel nothing - I see families and friends and just about anyone doing just anything - like mowing the lawn and gathering the rubbish and I'm jealous because they are doing this everyday piece of life and then I imagine them going in the house, cleaning up, small talk, going to the mall, etc - and this goes on all the time - I saw some people that I used to work with the other day and when they asked how I was - I told them Rich had died - and the response of "o that's too bad" made me want to shriek THAT's TOO BAD!!!??? Like you, I cry about the years we were to spend together and now that he's gone, I'm alone...and the home is now a house and even though I keep up the beautiful lawn, flowers, I view it all very dispassionately - I keep trying and trying to keep myself busy - but I'm getting very exhausted - I don't know if I can continue - because at the end of the day, no matter what I do, who I talk to, what I pray - Rich is gone and I miss him. I'll be growing old alone. Teny, this is so hard and I wish I could help you with words - and maybe just knowing that you're not alone in your hurt, does help a little - I hope so. I wish I knew how to speak Greek; it's such a beautiful sounding language - my father is greek, but we were never taught the language (Tekanos?) that's about the extent of my greek. Teny, take care of yourself...Lily

Kim - As hard as it may be, try to ignore that sister-in-law. If she's doing what she's doing and it's irrational and unjustified, then you know that nothing you do will change her actions or thoughts - you're only letting it hurt you and you don't need more hurt. You have to do what will make you feel better or less hurt - same thing I guess - You said it when you said he was your husband for 20 years and you had three children together - you and he and your children - that's your family...and so what if she thinks she was there for him - you know the truth and if others believe her and not you - so what - you know and Dan knows - so, really, what others think or think they know doesn't really matter. Lily