sandralb

Oh, Cindi. I'm so sorry. I know how hard it is to talk about all of this. I find it easier to write about it as well. I sat beside my mom after she died and the two other women who were with me left the room. I continued to talk to her and touch her skin. I didn't want to leave, and it was going to be awhile before the hospice nurse arrived and the funeral home people came to take her away. I sat there thinking about her final few minutes, when I had laid down beside her on the bed, held her and told her how much I loved her, how I had always been so proud of her, and what a great role model she was for me. She moved her hand slightly one final time and then breathed her last. I doubt I'll ever be as stong or as brave as she was. I think some of this stress is now intensified because I just realized last week that the cancer probably robbed her of her vision at the end, and that is most likely why she was so distressed in her final few hours, but she was unable to communicate it to me. I remembered her saying in weeks previous that she did not want to die blind, but she had a lot of problems with her eyesight and I think that's what happened. She was so very distressed in her final hours, but all she could do was lay there and moan in pain. So, here, several months later, I'm feeling sad about that night all over again but for a new reason. It's so hard. Please stay stong, and I'll do the same. Thanks for sharing your feelings even though it's difficult.

I guess you're right, but it seems strange that I keep thinking about and analyzing her last days/hours when I'm so aware of the fact that there was literally nothing more I could do to help her. She knew it too, just like your mom.

What helped you the most?

Neicey. You know, you can still talk to your mom. She'll hear you and she will be so glad that you are caring for your sister. I know it's hard. Don't worry, God won't give you more than you can handle. Listen to the following prayer: Your Cross (St. Francis de Sales) The everlasting God has in His wisdom forseen from eternity the cross that He now presents to you as a gift from His inmost Heart. This cross He now sends you He has considered with His all-knowing eyes, understood with His Divine mind, tested with His wise justice, warmed with loving arms and weighed with His own hands to see that it be not one inch too large and not one ounce too heavy for you. He has blessed it with His holy Name, annointed it with His grace, perfumed it with His consolation, taken one last glance at you and your courage, and then sent it to you from heaven, a special greeting from God to you, and alms of the all-merciful love of God. Be strong for your family and know that your mother is proud of you. Sandra

Lori, I'm sorry to hear that the loss of your mom has been compounded by the relationship difficulties you are experiencing with your father. Don't give up on him. Some people have unusual ways of responding to grief. It's sounds like you still want things to be better between the two of you. Keep praying. That's the best advice I can give, but I know it works. And, keep posting. You already know that it helps get you through some difficult times. We're listening. Sandra

Does anyone else feel like they are reliving the worst moments of their loved one's suffering or passing, over and over? I think that's the main thing that is bothering me when I feel sad. I want to remember the good times, but I find myself being pulled back into the more difficult ones.

I would like to ask my fellow Catholics if they have participated in any bereavement support groups through Church, and what they thought about them. I know my faith has helped me get through a lot of the more difficult times, but I'd like to hear your stories. Thanks for any response. God bless.

Cindi I've been thinking about your situation and I agree with you that your mom would have had many pearls of wisdom to share with you. I'm sure that it is much, much harder to deal with the loss of a parent when it is sudden and unexpected. I have to admit that I did most of my grieving in the year prior to my mom's death. She was diagnosed with a terminal illness and chose not to take treatments, so I knew I would lose her. It was the same way with my father. I'm not good at giving advice, but know that someone is thinking of you and praying for you to eventually be at peace. Sandra

Drew, I think we should all give ourselves permission to be happy and sad at the appropriate times. I'm not exactly out going to parties (in fact, I skipped holiday family gatherings this year), but I am allowing myself to focus on the sweetness of good memories of mom. It's hard to do because she suffered so much in the last few weeks of her life. Those are the memories that I believe have caused some post traumatic stress, but I'm working on focusing my attention elsewhere because she specifically told me not to feel bad when she was gone. It's a stuggle, but worth working on. Everyone gets through the grieving process in a very unique way. As a woman of faith, I'm happy for mom now....no more suffering and I believe she is in an extraordinary place with God and all her loved ones who died in Christ. I believe that it is my faith that gives me the strength to be more at peace. I wish that for everyone here.

Mom was a very vivacious person. She loved to go places, be with people, and do things. Most of all, she loved to laugh. There is a plaque hanging on the porch of her home which says, "Live well, laugh often, and love much". That is excellent advice from someone who executed that plan perfectly. I love my mom very much and I know she loves me too. I realize that the reason I feel sad is because I have such a great longing to be around her and to talk with her like I used to every day. But then, I feel guilty for being sad because I know that she does not want me to feel that way. In fact, in the eulogy that she wrote herself, she told all of her friends and family that she fully expects us to live life to the fullest every day and not be sad. Easy to say, hard to do. I guess if I put myself in her shoes and think about what I would want my friends and family to do after I'm gone, I would tell them exactly what mom did. So, with that in mind, I'm making it a goal to live my life to the fullest each day because, after all, none of us are getting out of this alive and "life is too short". Please understand that I am not being flip about the grieving process, because I know all too well that we feel sad because we love. When the outward expressions of that love are no longer a daily part of our life, we feel loss. I guess what I'm trying to say with all of this is that I'm beginning to understand how important is was to my mom that she communicate her wishes to us. One of her most adamantly expressed wishes was that we continue on with sharing our love and our laughter with one another, just as she would have done. I read a quote in a magazine ad once which said, "Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage". I cut it out and pasted it into a collage with pictures of my parents. Now...there's a picture of courage, and I'm trying hard to make them proud of mine. God Bless you all. I'm so very sorry for your losses. Be brave and make them proud of your courage. Sandra

My "best friend" showed up to my mom's memorial party (that mom planned herself). I was very happy she made it, but then changed my mind when she proceeded to get drunk and made several of my family members uncomfortable. I sent her an email afterwards and tried to send a subtle hint that her behavior wasn't appreciated. She hasn't spoken to me since, but like some of you, I have made new friends who were there with me when my mom was in her final illness.

I agree with the handy-man idea. My mom had contractors come in to remodel just about everything in her home and they all did a horrible job. She followed them around with a camera and took pictures of their shabby work so she could prove they botched things up. They fixed the problems but it gave her more stress than she needed and took up precious time she didn't have. At one point she kicked them all out so she could just go fishing and told them to come back after she was gone. She made them sign agreements to that effect. I dealt with them afterwards. Anyway...hire someone you trust but get everything in writing, and it wouldn't hurt to take before and after pictures.

Drew, I know what you mean about thinking about something you need to tell your mom. I do that every day. I used to call her every day on my way home from work (she lived 100 miles away from me) and we would talk about how we spent our day. I still feel like I should pick up the phone and call her.

Drew, You sound like and angel....you and Shell both. I was fortunate enough to have an angel swoop in at the moment I lost control (2 days before mom died) and help me with things I never would have known to do. Her name is Miracle, and she truly is one. Everything fell into place those last two days, if you can call it that. Miracle's grandma has passed away at home too, and she helped me take care of mom when she was in the last stages of her life. I never could have managed without her. I injured by back pretty severly 3 days prior to her death because she suddenly wasn't able to walk....but I didn't know that when I got her out of bed and had to catch her to keep her from falling. I've only told a few people this next part. After mom passed, I sat down on the opposite side of the bed from where she had been laying. I leaned back against the pillows and felt the heating pad on my back that mom had had on every day since I arrived. I thought to myself, "thank goodness, they left the heating pad on". I sat there for about 10 minutes just feeling the warmth on my back. When I got up to go to bed, I reached behind me to get the heating pad, only to find there wasn't one there. I like to think mom was giving me a parting gift of comfort in those 10 minutes. Hang in there, Drew. You will be OK. Take one day at a time. I'm grateful for your response. I liked hearing about your mom's "wild" side and how much fun you had together. Remember those times when you start getting down. I'll try to take my own advice. On this day last year, mom and I were crusing into Hilo, HI together and excited about our vacation together. We did have fun. I will miss her every day until we are together again.

Shell, Thank you so much! You are very kind and I'm sorry too for your losses. Losing both parents in such a short period of time causes me to feel "lost in space" sometimes. Perhaps you feel that way too? I'll be 48 years old this year, but I still feel like a kid without any parents and that losing them should motivate me to grow up. Unfortunately, I occastionally still feel like curling up in a ball because I want my mom and my dad to still be here. On top of that, I now feel like I have a responsibility to their friends to be the strong one, and I do feel that helping all of them get through it is what I should be doing now instead of focusing on myself. My mom's best friend is having a hard time and I want to do something special for her but don't know what yet.

I think you would benefit if you go to Edmunds.com. You can look up the values of vehicles you like, then go to the "payment calculator" link. You can select the vehicle options you need, and even list the value of your current vehicle as a trade in. Then you select how many months you would like to pay off the new vehicle and what interest percentage rate you think you can get from the bank that you will be using to finance the loan. You can keep adjusting all of those pieces of data until you get a monthly payment that works for you. Then I suggest you print it out and take it with you to the car dealership. Never, never discuss what you want your monthly payment to be. If they come to you with a payment that is too high, just tell them they are getting close, but they're not quite there yet. Make them do the work. Don't tell them about your trade in vehicle until after you have the payment you want pinned down. Then, tell them about the trade. Go to the dealership towards the end of the month because that's when they are most desparate to make a deal and meet their sales quota for the month. Plan on spending a few hours there and if you are really serious about buying the car, you should be able to get what you want out of them....eventually. Also, don't be afraid to walk away if they aren't cooperating. You are the customer. They need you more than you need them. Good luck. Sandra B.

I'm new here. Just found you today. Typed in "grief", hit search, and came across this site. I had been wondering "how long" I was supposed to be feeling sad after the loss of my mother. I don't like to call it "loss" because I do believe she passed through the veil and into the next stage of existence in eternity. But it feels like loss sometimes, and I suppose that is because of the longing I feel to talk to her, and feel her cheek against mine in a hug that only a mother can give. I don't talk about my grief to others because I feel they expect me to be over it. But I had been feeling lately like I could find the answer to that if I just took the time to look. Then I found this site. It has helped me to know that I am not alone in how I feel. Thank you very much. My mom was diagnosed with cancer October 2006 and was given a year to live. And boy, did she live. It only slowed her down a bit. She took a trip to Hawaii and made a return trip to South Dakota just to go fly-fishing. My dad died 3 years ago (also cancer) and mom had taken great care of him for 18 years throughout his illness. She was always very active, but when he passed, she went into overdrive. She loved talking to people, going places, and getting "into trouble" as she would call it. She just loved adventure and had many, many friends. They all enjoyed her sense of humor and her neverending smile, even in the hardest of times. At the beginning of October of this year she called and finally said it was time for me to come live with her and take care of her. I had offered many times, but she was reluctant to go into the "hospice" category of treatment. I was very glad she called when she did. The day after I arrived, she said we were going fishing. We did. She loved it even though she was weak and I had to help her with a walker down to the bank of the stream. She grew progressively weaker through the month of October. I moved my office from 100 miles away, into one of the bedrooms in her home and continued to do my job while providing 24-hour a day care. I stopped sleeping, I lost 15 lbs in 3 weeks. It was tough. Mom did the emotional work of purging all of her issues. Some of it was hard to hear, but necessary for both of us to get closure on the pains and struggles of her life. One day she told me and the visiting hospice nurse, "no matter what happens, don't feel guiltly because you did the best you could and it's just my time to go". Looking back, I'm sure she said that because of her own feelings when dad died. Still, what a generous thing to say. I wish I didn't feel guilty, like she told me, but I look back to her final days and see all the things I wish I had done better. I know there's no sense in doing that, but I can't seem to stop it. I know I did the best I could, but it probably wasn't as good as someone else could have done. I'm not a nurse, I get irritable when I'm sleepless, etc...... Thanks for letting me post. I don't feel better yet but I'm glad to finally have an outlet for how I'm feeling. One other thing...I just received a message this afternoon that my grandma passed this morning. This has been a really tough year.