Cindi

Temmie: I have followed all of your postings here and my heart has ached for you so. I've had computer issues and no access to respond until now, and I've wanted so much to respond to your pain. Know that we're here (always), we're ready to listen, we're holding you in our hearts because we do understand. You have a path that has to be traveled. We're on that path with you...you are not alone. Stay with us and we will all work on nurturing you through your pain. Cindi

It is almost one year since my Mom died and still I can't talk about it to anyone...bring up the horrible details that took her away from us when we least suspected it. Someone sent me a joke e-mail today and it was about a sister asking a sister not to let her live on life support and bottles of saline or glucose or whatever it is they use. It went on to say that the sister unplugged the computer and took away her bottle of wine. Unfortunately, we had to make that decision to remove the life support and I don't think that anyone who has ever had to make that decision would find the joke funny. I know it was sent with only the best intentions but it made me cry. Thanks for listening! Cindi

Dear Father's Daughter: Please allow me to offer my sincerest condolences. I lost my 73 year old mother 11 months ago. I too, had a bad experience with the hospital staff. When my mother began having seizures, I took the day off to go have it out with the hospital staff. What they told me was that she was scared. We ultimately brought her home but took her back to the hospital again, home again and then back to the hospital to find out that the seizures had injured her brain beyond repair. We ultimately had life support removed and we lost my dear sweet mother 10 days later. I have been beating myself up because I was the one who always took care of the medical issues with my parents. Had I had more time from work and been able to stay with her at the hospital, maybe we could have figured out what went wrong. I feel like I let her down. My mom and dad have lived with us for the last twelve years. My dad is still here and it has been just as painful to see his grief after losing his one and only after 55 years. I really feel your pain. If it would make it better to have your mom and grandmother move in with you, I don't see why you should not do it. Having my dad here makes my mom seem closer. I have suffered tremendously over the loss of my Mom. Now, I am very protective of my dad. I had a wonderful childhood because of them and would be remiss if I did not give back what they both deserve from me. Do what your heart tells you to do. Although I believe your dad's comment about not taking your mom and grandmother in was a way of protecting you from becoming a caretaker, you also have to have the comfort of knowing you are doing what feels right to you. Good luck and God bless! Cindi

Roseanne: I can feel your pain. My mom died September 11th last year so the time is coming. In anticipation of the extent of my pain during that time, I'm taking vacation the day before, the day of, and the day after. So many days are such a mess for me. I cried on my birthday, the holidays, and what would have been my parents' 55th annivesary, and my dad's birthday as well as Mother's day. I am still reeling in pain and feel as if I've been mortally wounded. My parents live with me, and it even harder to see my dad's grief. I am the proud product of a very loving, close family. I can't even fathom that there will be a time when my pain will end. Big hugs to you! Cindi

Oh, Deb...hang on to what you get. On the 11th it will be 10 months since I lost my Mom. I still feel like I've been mortally wounded and outside of this forum, no one understands why I am still grieving so. Some days are better than others but I still find myself in tears at one point or another every single day. The best sign I've received from my mother came in a dream where I found a letter that simply stated "daughter, I love you". Wish I could have that dream every night. I truly believe that it was my Mom sending me a message. Hang in there and I'll pray for your signs with you. Cindi

Angelwings: I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my Mom about six months ago and even though I've had some good days, there are days when I just start crying and can't seem to stop. I miss my Mom so much. I'm sorry you are having such a challenging time with the cemetary. My folks have been living with me for the past twelve years on an extremely tight budget. When my Mom died, my husband and I paid for the expenses, but we brought her home. My husband built a beautiful Urn (with room for my Dad) and my aunt did a beautiful stained glass piece with tulips (my Mom's favorite flower). She also has a photo of my Mom in the glass. The rest of the family, of course, offered no financial support (and not much emotional support for my dad). At times my husband starts complaining about this and I know what he is saying but I also have trouble hearing it. Its like you just can't put a price on her. She was priceless to me. Today is not one of my better days...I wish I could offer more support but you are in my thoughts and prayers. God Bless you! Cindi

My Dear Friend: I applaud you for attending the support group. I haven't been able to bring myself to do that yet and there are several of them available close to where I live. I find that I can express myself better here, in this forum. I'm afraid of going to a support group and feeling the pain of others along with mine. Here its a little more anonymous and availabe anytime. I found out today that a young family friend with a 7 month old baby girl was killed last night in an auto accident. I find the news sets me back to that time when the pain was so fresh and new and I'm crying for that family because I know what is in store for them. I have found so much caring, understanding and support here that I find my self coming back again, and again, and again. I hoping to have an opportunity to share this beautiful place with my young friend's wife (when the time is right. God forgive me if I've ever been to wrapped up in myself to feel the pain of others at times like these. One positive result when I lost my Mom about 6 months ago, is that its made me more compassionate to those feelings of others. Its been said before, but I'll say it again "be kind to those around you as you never know what battles they are going through." Keep in touch with us here...we'll do our best to help you. Love, Cindi

Hi, Midnight...its me, Cindi and I am such a dork!!! Look under the heading "does the pain get easier?" with a sub of father dying two weeks ago. As always, you and the rest of my friends here are always on my mind and in my heart filling up the empty space that appeared when my Mom departed. I am so grateful for you all! Cindi

Midnight: Please read my post to you under "my father died two weeks ago..." You have come to the right place and we are holding you tight. Nothing that you feel is wrong or unusual. The loss of a parent hurts and it hurts for a long time. Hang in there and stay here with us. We will do our best to support and help you. Love, Cindi

Midnight: Don't let other people try to control your grief. It is yours and you are entitled to it. If it lasts two years or ten years, it belongs to you and you alone. Spend your feelings here with those of us who understand exactly what you are feeling, will support those feelings, and help you start to heal. I lost my Mom unexpectedly a little over six months ago. I find that just recently, there are times I can laugh and just as easily, I can spend three days crying. Know that we care, and that we are so sorry for your loss. Grief is something you need to talk about and if others can't or won't see that, talk to us. With love, Cindi

Susala Please know that I am so sorry for your loss. Know that even though you weren't there physically for your Mom, you were there spiritually and your Mom knew that. My Mom died a little over six months ago. She was in a coma for the last week of her life and I was with her 24/7. Although she could not respond to us, I have to believe that she knew we were with her. There is no doubt that losing her has been the hardest thing I've ever dealt with and believe me, I've had some extremely rough times in my life. There is a song called "Mama Knows" by Shanindoah (sp?) that has a good message that might ease your pain for not being able to be there when her time came. You are facing some difficult times now as are all of those who participate in this forum. It is a good place, and you will get lots of support and learn to understand that your feelings are real and we are all here for you. Keep coming back...this forum is my lifeline. With love, Cindi

Montaigne: I appreciate the honesty you share with us and I know the grief of losing someone who is more special than can be explained. Your posting tells me that you are intelligent and aware of the circumstances that have led you to where you are. As a parent, I apologize for the fact that you had to grow up in an unhealty enviroment. Mostly, though, I want to talk about your Mom. You feel responsible for her death. You are not. You did nothing to create the circumstances that led to her death. I want you to know, that I would, at any time, gladly sacrifice myself for the sake of my children. I'm sure you Mom felt the same. Most every Mom does. In fact, you have a special angel who is always at your side. I'm sure she would have wanted to be there for you but please don't blame yourself. It was a very unfortunate incident and again, had your Mom been given a choice, she would have chose you. Hold that near and dear to your heart, don't ever forget it and don't doubt for a moment her love for you. A minister told me once that heaven is another dimension just 90 degrees from wherever we are. Although she can see you, you can't see her. This made so much since to me and I hope it helps you. She truly is right by your side. Hang in there, come back and share with us and don't be so hard on yourself. Love, Cindi

Its been six months today, since my beautiful Mom had to leave. Since then, although I've been very depressed and have had little in the way of support from the real world, I've spent a lot of my time and shared my feelings and learned of the feelings of those wonderful angels that spend time at this site. My pain is still very real and very raw but I've noticed that I've had some times where my humour comes through and that is always a good thing. Sometimes I feel a little guilty when that happens, too, and I shouldn't. My Mom always had some little smart aleky thing to say so I probably learned from her. One of the things that I did for my Mom's memorial service was to create a powerpoint presentation of all of the pictures I had of her. Fortunately, I have a bit of a gift in the computer arena, but believe me, this was quite a task. Of course, I spent many tears during this project. All of the pictures more than a few years old had to be scanned, and that took a few days. Once I had my collection together, I started putting it to some order, on screen. I had the pictures flying in, fading out, and all other matters of effects that are available on this program. I had my dad look at it before the service, because I knew it would have been harder on him if he hadn't seen it before the service. Our bearevment counselor said that although for me, it was a hard task to undertake, it provided healing for me and everyone who was able to view it. Since her death, we've had Thanksgiving, my sister's birthday, my birthday, Christmas, New Year's Eve, and my parents' 55th anniversay. My dad lives with us so occasionally we get him out of the house (he likes to gamble) so we take him to a casino. We took him to Laughlin for the anniversary and though emotionally, he did well, it was hard for me. I had my good luck charms, and I kept a small picture of my mom on each machine I played. I actually won several hundred dollars, and I never win so I have to believe it that she was there. Look at your photos, put one in your car, one on your desk...share them with others. While I was in Laughlin one fellow sitting next to me asked if the photo was me (I don't have that kind of ego, thank you), and when I explained that it was my Mom, he said "you look just like her," which of course made me cry. I know this is rambly so I'll end for now. Know that we are thinking of you, feeling your sadness, and wishing you comfort. Love, Cindi

Joy: I am so sorry for your loss. My Mom died six months ago today (almost to the hour) and here I am where I find the best support and caring that I know is out there. I couldn't go to work today and I've been crying since the weekend. Also, during the weekend during one of my few attempts at motivating myself to do something around the house that needed to be done, I broke something my Mother had given me which just made me feel worse. I read something published about grief recently. I don't know the source other than that it came by mail to me from my oldest son. One of the things I read is that we will never really be the same person we were once we experience the loss of love and life of someone significant to us. It changes the nucleus in some way of who we are. Will the pain get easier? I don't know...I'm still hurting a lot. I do know that I've had some better days and some worse. I've even had days where my humor shines through. Although I've had few dreams about my Mom, lately, I hear her voice at times when I'm sad. She keeps telling me "I'm here, I'm here." And I know that but at this time in my life, its just not tangible enough for me. On a more positive note, my daughter and grandson moved home and my grandson adds some sorely needed laughter to the house. I wish you moments of peace and moments of joy, and the right to feel the pain and sadness whenever it comes around. I think that our friends here at this site are, at times, sending us messages from our loved ones. The trick is to figure that out. I share your pain as my mom's death was nothing we could have anticipated and that made the pain all that much worse. Love, Cindi

Oh, Deb...how much I feel your pain. My first birthday came not quite three months after my mom died. I didn't want to go to work...I did not want anyone to sing happy birthday, take me to lunch, buy me a card or a gift. All I wanted was my Mom. I'm dreading Mother's day. We took my Dad out of town last week on what would have been their 55th anniversary, and though he seemed to handle okay, I was a wreck. Its been close to six months now and I still grieve deeply. I can't give you any words of wisdom but please accept my sincere compassion and understanding of your feelings. Love Cindi