Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

Dawn 5421

Contributor
  • Posts

    8
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Everything posted by Dawn 5421

  1. Oh Gail, I am so sorry for you. Today is the first Thursday that I have not been curled up in the fetal position. I just chalked it up to Thursdays. Wishful thinking I am afraid. For me there is some relief in the crying, it is almost cleansing. Though I hate the days that it happens, for me, it makes so much sense....I (we) have lost so much. I am afraid, but I know I need to accept, the reality that these days will come and when they do I need to accept them like every other day. This is what today was for. It is a harsh reality that these kind of days will be with me for the rest of my life, but there is a certain amount of peace knowing that I loved this much...... May you find solace in knowing that without love there is no grief.....quite honestly I never want to forget. Peace be with you, Dawn
  2. Today I had a horrible day. I started crying the moment I woke up and except for a one hour nap I didn't stop. Just the burden of today was too much. I emailed an associate to cancel a meeting and his reply was so sensitive.....I thought I would share. I know you will get through all this. Some days are going to be worse than others which means some days are going to be better than others. Lets hope tomorrow is better!! It is a day to day thing for us who gather here, I have to believe that tomorrow is another day. My heart goes out to you, I feel what you are feeling. Not that it makes it any better, just believe what my friend said, some day is going to be better.....
  3. Well tomorrow is the 40th day. I know this because in my husbands culture/religion the family gathers and has a mass. I guess this is when the soul is to reach heaven. I am in Dallas alone (no family his or mine) but there will be large gatherings in California, Vancouver Canada, and the Philippines. He died on St. Thomas US Virgin Islands and I am having some difficulty getting the remains after a much delayed cremation. I think I will finally have them next week. I am sad that I will not be with his family for this day. Though I do not share the same beliefs, I think being in their presence during this day of prayer and celebration would have been nice. It is hard to believe that 40 days has passed, are they sure it wasn't just yesterday? The month of January is nothing but a blur, and February is passing all to quickly. Tomorrow is going to be a hard day, I can already feel it. Oh, who do I think I am kidding, each day has its own challenges. I miss him terribly, and the realization that I must re-create my life and start from nothing is frightening. Who am I going to be?
  4. I guess pulling the covers over your head and hiding doesn't count as a solution? Being mad or angry at the people who are caring for you most doesn't help either? Okay, I am of no help because those are the only two strategies that I have tried and neither have resolved my anxiety or general hurt. Please tell me we/you can push through this, that sooner rather than later it will get better? How high can these things pile up? I feel the crushing blow, I know sometimes I cannot breath, does it get worse? I want to go to bed and never arise, but the sun calls me every day to get up and carry on. This weight that we carry, the ever mounting pile of life, I will chip away at, one chip at a time...and someday, I will breath again....won't I?
  5. Hi Wendy, I am so sorry that you are feeling overwhelmed. This whole experience just sucks. I think I know how you feel....it is not that you can't do it, it is not that you won't figure it out, it is not that you are not capable....but gosh darn it wasn't it easier when your loved one was there to consult with, reinforce any decision you made, just the nod of the head or the glint in a eye made you feel better about anything you did. I just miss the okay signal. The signal that says what ever you are doing right now is good. I just want the reassurance that today, this moment, you and I agree. That is what I miss the agreement. I have said this for years, the reason Manny and I had the relationship we had was because we reached agreement on the things that mattered to us. Now there is no agreement, there is only me, right or wrong nobody will tell me...or if they do will I trust them like I trusted him? I am so scared of making any decisions....almost parallelized. I don't know you, but what I know is that you will make it work. The lawn will be mowed, the hot water heater will be fixed and you will make any and all decisions you need too. How do I know? Well because unfortunately this is how our lives have happened and you are still here, and your life and mine will go on and we need to make it work. For them, for us, for peace of mind...we will make it work. It still sucks. Dawn
  6. Wendy, They say that anger is one of the many steps of grieving. Everybody does it in their own time and in their own way, but it is a step we supposedly must all go through. I'm with you, though my loss much more recent, in not blaming Manny (my hubby) for dying. I don't want to be mad at him, but everyone says I will get there as a part of the healing process. Right now I am just saving my anger for my sisters whose thoughts and actions are all well intentioned, but seem so inappropriate to me. I was hoping that this anger I have had for the last few days would satisfy this "step" but your post is proving to me that it will not. I am sorry that you are going through this, hang in there, today is another day.... Dawn
  7. Thank you all for the huge welcome. I have been feeling a bit like E.T. walking around this strange place where nobody is quite like me, nor do they understand me. It is nice to find a community as accepting as you. I have a question...What is the answer to "how are you?" I want to scream every time I am asked that..."How do you think I am?", instead the proverbial OK comes out, I then spend the rest of the conversation trying to explain OK. Ok is not what it was before, Ok, really is not good, Ok quite honestly is not really OK! I can't even put into words how I am...I just am.
  8. I have been lurking on your boards for several days now trying to decide if this is the place for me, it appears that it is. I lost my husband on December 29th. We had just come off a cruise vacation to celebrate his 50th birthday, we were at the airport trying to rent a car for the day, and he died of a heart attack. It was sudden, he had no symptoms, no complaints on or before the trip and generally he was healthy. The events of that day and practically all since are a blur. My life as I know it is over. He was the glue that kept me together. I have been fortunate with family being available to help, but that luxury is drying up soon and I think I need a safe place to scream, cry, yell, whine, maybe laugh, and try to gain some perspective, learn about the process, and most likely complain a bit too. I am having bad days, worse days, and catastrophic days. Yesterday was catastrophic, I cried all day. Today is just bad meaning I got through the day without a major breakdown. I don't know what makes one day different from the last, but I know I have to figure out how to navigate this life without him, and that is going to be very hard. Maybe this will help. Dawn
×
×
  • Create New...