twilcox1978

I know exactly what you mean.. Christmas is my mothers favorite time of year.. with the baking, shopping, singing! This is the first one without her and let me tell you its been hard as hell! I hear the christmas songs and I just cry and cry... especialy the one about the child getting the shoes for his mom so she can look good when she meets Jesus tonight... I just cry and cry.. My kids look at me and ask me if I am ok. My oldest knows now she always says you mess Grandma... I want to be a wonderful mother like she was so i play the music and bake the cookies and do the things she use to do with us because I want them to have those happy moments with me like I did with my mom.. It's important to me to do things the way she always did so I feel closer to her but it tears me apart missing her so much... I mean when we went down there for her funeral I took the things she always wore.. her watch, ring, perfume... I have to have it and wear it, it makes me feel as close to her as I can. Even my daughter says mommy can I have some perfume so I can smell like Grandma... Everyone knew this smell it was mom/grandma... I just cant stand being so alone... but maybe I deal with it because I know she isnt suffering and she is in a much better place... I am sure watching the kids open there gifts will me make me even hurt more because we ALWAYS had christmas with my mom... I even cried at halloween because mom couldnt see them in their costumes.. Its hard and I really dont know how I get through it? My children help me a bunch... My suggestion is let them hear the music sing with your kids like your mom did with you, cry all the tears you need to... Your kids will see how much you miss your mom...But they will have those wonderful moments with you too..

Not a good today at all... Hurting so bad inside and feeling so alone.... Trying to get through the holidays and progress with the move back home to Florida. I move 2 steps forward and I get knocked 5 steps back... I always tell myself if I didnt have bad luck I wouldnt have any luck at all... I guess it hard times like these I miss my mom more she was always there giving me good advice on what to do next and just always let me know she believes in me.. I am having such a hard time because I dont believe in myself..Holidays seem so hard. I promised myself I will take my daughters to see Poler Express this weekend reguardless how down in the dumps I am.. Maybe it will get me into the christmas spirit alittle bit more!! My oldest and I seem to have our bad days together... She always tells me lets stay in bed today mommy. I am coming to my final days at my job before I leave there for good.. I will be about a month of time alone with my girls and I hope to get my life back on track and get a straight mind.. SO what are we to do on these blah days

Umm It's been 2 months to this day my mother has passed(October 6, 2004). I just keep asking myself was it a mistake I stayed by her casket the whole time of the service? I am asking myself this because I just keep having the last image of her at the viewing poping up in my head all the time. Weither I am driving my car, sleeping, or just working. We had a 3 hour service and I stayed by her side every minute!!!! I could leave her, it was almost like i was protecting her from everyone.... I still to this day wake up at 2:10am (the time she died) without fail.. What does all this mean? Is it because I wasnt there for her when she died, guilt? What should I do? It's just all so hard to deal with. So much has gone wrong this year and still keeps going bad. God how can I get 2005 to be better... All I do to get through all this hurt is hold my daughters and dont let them go.. So afraid of losing them next... Where is all this fear coming from?

Hello Tootie, I read your post and it really hit home. I am sorry sorry for your lose my heart truely goes out to you! I just lost my mom in October 6, 2004 due to a 2 year battle with Breast Cancer... I have alot of the same feelings you do. I feel like I died right along with her! I am the 2nd oldest out of 5 children, My youngest brother is only 13 (poor baby). It was really heard for him, he was her baby. I too have 2 children one of which was VERY close to my mother. Surprising to me she has taken it alot better than I thaught she would. I catch her every now and then crying for her, but other than that she just tells everyone grandma is her angel now. I was hoping the pain would get easier with time but from the sounds of things from you it doesnt Myself I have so much going through my head and just trying to sort them out. Which at this time of year her favorite (christmas) I am having a more difficult time. Not much into the holiday spirts but I know I have to do the things for my children. I live far away from the rest of my family which makes things even more harder! I hope to make the move back to home after the holidays due to a other half that has just made things harder for me and not been there for me at all. He just told me to snap out of it this weekend he says I havent been the same since I came back from being home Maybe because I just lost my mother ... Anyway, I am sure you have good days and bad days as I do and some days are easier than others. I too at times wish I could just go be with her but realize if I left my children my mother would be VERY disappointed in me. I basically just try to take one day at a time. I goal is to get through Christmas and see what happens after that! I just recently found out my father has cancer as well so.. maybe it's best to go home and be with him! If I lose him I dont know what I will do? I think I will just fall apart! Everyone be strong, take one day at a time and live life to the fullest!! Our mothers will be proud of us they have raised great women just like them. I give you all my heart and prayers and pray God helps us through our toughest days.

I must first thank eveyone for their thaughts and advice, it has helped! Talking about everything has helped; believe it or not. The weather is starting to change here by getting colder which always brings the holidays. Which brings me to how do we deal with the empty chair at the holidays. My mother always made a big deal out of the holidays which I have practiced with my children. I am trying to carry on the tradations and also do the things she use to do maybe trying to feel closer to her or at least make her proud of me. My mother was an amazing person and touched alot of hearts. EVERYONE tells me I am a spiting image of her and I am just like her and I hope so. I want to be just like my mother. I have my good days and my bad days and today I seem to be doing alittle bit better. I still put on her perfume everyday when I get up to go to work so I can smell that familar scent. Like I said before it just really hits me on the weekends when I am home more and have more time to think about things. Now last night I noticed when I put my oldest daughter to sleep (6 yrs. old) she cried and cried for her grandma and I didnt know what to say to her? She told me she missed her grandma and all i could think of is that I told her I missed her too. My daughter is so young and had such a connection with her. I am so worried about her and what kind of impact this will have on her? Lots and lots of things always running through my mind... Just trying to process them all and deal with them.. Which leaves me so wore out at times and I seem to always be sleepy during the day and then of course cant sleep night when it quiet and dark. Ummm... Still confused as heck!!

Thank you all for all your replies... It makes me feel like you guys know where I am coming from. Thank you to all of you for your support, seeing this is the only place I can find any! This is deffently a roller coaster ride. I am ok some days and other days I feel so blah... Today is an ok day but I think that is because of the change of weather. I love the cold weather and its starting to get cool here. Although it brings along the holidays which I dont know how we will get through thoses especialy when my mother made them a big deal.. I have been trying to keep the tradtions going... I wish everyone the best with all that they are going through...

Where do I start? First time on here hoping I could get some advice on what to do with these feelings. I just recently lost my mother Oct 6, 2004 after her 2 year battle with breast cancer. I feel like a piece of me died right along with her. I was always close to my mother... She was so close with my children... I dont know how to explain the hurt I feel inside.. Numb, feel like my whole chest has been riped out.. I feel like I dont want to go on I rather be dead. But I realize I have 2 children of my own to take care of.I was down visiting my mother for 2 weeks then I had to come back home. I get a call 4 days later to come home she is doing really bad and before I could get there she died.... She was in so much pain hospice had to come in and start her on morphen to take away the pain and she didnt last but a day after that. She was such an amazing women, who helped me through all my tough times in life except right now. She has always thaught me to be strong... I tried and tried so hard to be strong. I was strong while I was down there taking care of things and infront of all the other family I was so strong and now I just cant! At this time of events I was also pregnant and just lost my baby as well... My relationship with my other half has just crumbled to pieces.. My life is falling apart. I have no choice now to move back home because I cant deal with this. I have one sister and 3 brothers... My sister and I are staying close but the boys are kind of in there own world but my youngest brother who is only 13. God I cant imagen what that poor kid is going through? What do I do with these feelings? How do I deal with this all.. How can I make sure I want to wake up each morning? Because right now I dont care if I live or die... Sometimes I think I am not being a good mother so maybe my kids would be better off without me... But deep down inside I know I can be a good mother just like mine was... I want to be there for my children but I cant deal with all this hurt and pain!