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tryingtobehappy

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  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    orem,utah
  1. Wow did your entry hit home. I lost my mom to breast cancer 2 weeks ago. As a single mom to 3 boys, I have found it very difficult to be there for my kids when I am such a mess. My mom was SO strong that many times while she was laying in her bed and I was sitting with her crying, she would tell me that it was OK and I don't need to cry. My mother raised all of her 9 kids to be so strong and independent. I appreciate that but it sometimes this has made me feel like I should quit crying and move on. It is amazing how much you need your mom when you are a mom. I have been married and divorced two times and now my mom dying, I feel like everyone in my life is going to leave me. I watched my mom die and that was the MOST DIFFICULT thing I have ever been through. She was in so much pain and required so much medicine that it was a relief when she did actually die, but maybe it was good that you didn't see your mom stop breathing because it is haunting. I questioned if there was a god after watching what happened to her. The day before my mom died she told us (her daughters that were with her) that there were many people with her, specifically a very cute 12 year old girl. (None of us are young, all of her daughters are moms) Ever since my moms death, I have felt my mom with me a couple of times. This has been a very spiritual experience but I have not gotten to the point that I am grateful that she is no longer fighting the cancer. Maybe that is very selfish of me to just want her still living but my kids need their grandma and I need my mom. Sometimes I get really angry and feel destructive inside. I am looking for something to make me happy or something that help me not feel so emotional so much. But unfortunately this grieving thing takes time and I am not so patient. It has been helpful for me to talk to people that have lost a parent, it seems that these are the only people that TRULY understand what we are going through. Sometimes when I feel like I would rather die than feel like I do, I think that I want my kids to grow up with a great mom like I had and I wouldn't want my boys to go through the same thing I am. I want my kids to know that it is OK to feel sad but that we also need to have a positive attitude towards as much as you can. I hope you can work things out with your other half because I really wish that I had someone that loves me to help me through this.
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