Karen G

I am so sorry for your loss. Siblings are such an important part of lives. i lost my sister unexpectly. The same thought went through my mind about her as well..... She did not go into treatment beleiving for one moment she wouldnt make it. Afer having lost several of my family this past year I know there is nothing to take away the pain we feel. You should grieve in your own way and in your own time. I am sure your brother knew how painful it was for you as well. He sounds like a good brother and would understand if you couldn't do something at the time you felt you should have. The terrible picture you have of someone before they pass is not easy to get out of your head. Try to picture your brother as he is now. At rest.. at peace and whole. I will pray for you and pray that someone will come along to not fill his place .... but fill the void his passing has created.

This is sort of long But.... a year ago November 5th my Mom passed away. She had been very sick for several years. Although i miss her so much, she is at peace now and has no more pain and suffering. She was such an independant woman and and the disease she had turned her into being nearly totally dependant on others. Well mostly me. I was her primary care giver for quite some time. My Aunt that lived next door to her was fighting breast cancer for about ten years. She was doing pretty well but then got to a point when her body could not take chemo any longer. My Mom was 73 when she passed. My aunt was 83. When my Mom passed away, my aunt just gave up in a sense. She ended up being hospilized and could not return home so she came to live with me and my husband. We set her up very comfortablly in my Granddaughters bedroom. Five months later she passed away in our home in our Granddaughters room. While I was taking care of my aunt... I was planning my youngest daughters wedding. By myself. I had help from my daughter... but my sister who was always my back up on everything.. had been diagnosed with Myasthenia Gravis... but that is a whole other story. We buried my aunt in July. I dove into wedding plans and kept busy. After Mom died, there was Thanksgiving to get through, Christmas, my Granddaughters birthday... ect... and then two months later my aunt came to stay with us. So just a series of jumping from one thing to the next. My daughter was married in September and it was the wedding from hell! Hate to put it that way.. but the grooms family were the rudest lot of people i have ever encountered. They put absolutely nothing into the wedding, yet demanded things and barked orders at me through the entire event. My husband and I furnished everything for the wedding and the grooms family showed up... ate the dinner we had catered and some of the family stole items from the tables... just a big mess! So needless to say another stressful situation. And i was there without my Mom and my sister. My sister was in Chicago going through a stem cell transplant for her disease. It was experimental and i begged her not to have it done. I told her.. I can't lose you too! But She felt it was her only option. I got through the wedding and my sister had made it through the toughest part of the transplant. Four days of intense chemo therapy. They take your immune system down to 0 and then transplant new stem cells that they previously harvested. She made it through the entire procedure and was in the recovery stage. She was to spend a few weeks at the hospital and then come home. My niece and I had made plans to take the train to Chicago to spend a few days with my sister while she was recovering. My brother in law called me the morning we were to head up. This was a Sunday. He said that my sister wasn't doing very well. I told him we would be there around 9 that same evening. My niece and i got to the hospital and my sister was in intensive care. She was laboring to breath, was passing blood through her urine and had the most frightened look on her face. We called her kids that live about three hours away and told them they should get to the hospital ASAP. The next 24 hours were a whirlwind of....... they would not let us stay in the room with her. My niece and i had a room right across the street so went to freshen up and get some supper. My brother in law called and said they put my sister on a respirator. We ran back to the hospital and the doctor said it could go either way at this point. If she reponded to the treatment.... she would make it. If not... then not. I went outside to get some fresh air and came back to find out that she coded while i was gone. They took us all in a room and the doctor said, do you want her resusitated again? The outlook was grime. He didn't think it would do any good. He said her heart was just giving out and she was not responding to any medication. Her husband and kids decided to put a do not resusitate on her. I went out to call my brother who lives in Indiana to update him on her condition. When I got back to the floor my sister was on... i saw my nephew. I asked him how his Mom was... about the same? And he said.. no she is gone. At this point.... i was in shock. This can't be happening! I had told her husband, her kids, she would be fine. I just knew that God would not do this to us or to their Mom. The past few weeks since her death have been a nightmere. I try to reach out to her kids and her husband but they seem to want to stay away and distance from me. The only time I seem to feel release from the pain is when I am away from home. My husband and I have been on three trips since my sister passed away. I dont' work outside the home and spend my days trying to stay distracted. I think I am avoiding dealing with this because it is just too painful. My sister and i always made the Thanksgiving plans. For as long as i can remember,it was either at her house or mine. Her family has decided to stay home for dinner this year. I offered to have dinner for them but they said no. i can't go there because my daughter has a job where she is on call and cant' go out of town. It just seems like they are shutting me out and i dont' know why. Well guess I do. I am tending to do the same thing. I tend to push things, feelings down and say I will think about this another day. This avoids feeling the pain. I know this is not a healthy thing to do but seems the only way i can handle another loss at this time. Everyone at my sister's funeral said i should seek grief counceling since I have lost so many this past year. But thought on this is....... they will make me face it and at this time I jsut dont' think I can. It just hurts too stinkin bad! Even with my husband, my kids and my grandkids... i feel lonely. Any advise?