jojomg

My dad died jan 2 of 08 and I am finding it harder every day..every day is one more day to get past that I can't talk to dad...one more day we can't talk politics, one more meal I have to eat with watching him enjoying eating like no one else in the world..until the cancer took that away from him.. I feel like I should have been prepared he did have melanoma for the past year and a half, but he is the person I love most in the world.. more than my kids ..or siblings..dad was always there for me always no matter what time or how far away I was he would come to help me he went on all the rides at disney, he could run around all day..go down the water slides..dad was always smiling..I feel like I will never smile again...I don't know if this feeling will pass but I really don't care if I live or die..i would never kill myself but I don't care one way or the other..hopefully that will change..I know we all have to go through it ..we are all gonna die..my sister and mom tried to tell me he was dying but I couldn't let myself think that ..I told him every day he was getting better ..he trusted me..I did the research for what treatment he would do and I feel like I failed him ..i let him die..the second night in the hospital the doctors were talking to him about an ifection he had and my dad grabbed my hands and said " I'm so scared" I asked him what he was scared about .,he just squeezed my hands and said " i have never been so scared in my whole life' he was alone when he died..none of us stayed with him...I feel like I did everything wrong..made all the wrong decisions.it is hell ..I feel dead inside .. [attachmentid=279]

I lost my dad jan 2 08 and I don't feel like I will ever get over it. every day gets a little worse..one more day that I didn't get to talk to dad..one more tv show he will never watch..one more meal he won't eat I am trying so hard and people tell me to move on ..If I knew how to I would ..I want this horrible burning pain and grief that I feel I could do without it.I guess I seem alright during the day to the outside world..but when I get in my car alone I cry so hard I feel like my eyes will just fall out ..the longing to see him ..to hug him just one more time is so strong. I feel like I would give up my life for one more hug..one more I love you dad..I find it harder to sleep every night ..a take ambien and still don't fall asleep all the time. my mother told me I am obsessed with dads death..I just feel so out of control..nothing has ever hurt like this before and I find it hard to go to the store..or the gas station..it feels in my head that the world has ended and yet evryone is going on normal..its the worst feeling..but I have never loved anyone more that I love my dad..not even my own kids..I have never taken a vaction without dad easter was the first holiday without dad and it was brutal,