MikeyW

Dear Maylissa, It was great to hear from you. I must honestly agree with everything you said. I do fluctuate because of the pain. Yes, it has lessened, but, like you, I also go up and down. I also have told God numerous times that when I die, and if I go to heaven, I not only want to be with my beloved human family, but also dogs and cats - or at least be able to visit. Who knows, maybe they're with their dog and cat families - or is every species mixed in to where thay can see each other? I do wish they would visit us once or twice a year - the day of their birth and the day they left us. The heartache wouldn't be so bad. Because we have a korat cat that is extremely identical to Randolph, that has truly helped greatly. There are personality differences, and I was closer to the first Randolph, but seeing this Randolph truly helps ease that pain. Once in a while I go to the local animal shelter. I tell them, "I just came in for some heartache." Then I look at dogs and cats. I don't know why I do it. I must be crazy. -Mikey

Dear Friends, Now that some time has gone by since we've posted, I'm curious as to how everyone is faring. We still have Randolph II and Camille. I still want a lap cat, but finances are an issue, as well as acceptance of a new cat-especially by Randolph. I don't think of Muggsy, Randolph I, and Pumpkin every day, but I still do get some tough moments, although time has helped. I still do hope when I die that we'll be together again. To answer my question - "Is It Better To Have Loved And Lost?" No. The pain and loss are too hard to bear - especially when it first happens. Time does help, but ..... -Mikey

Dear puffysmammyforever, Please try not to feel guilty. You know you tried your best for Puffy because of your love for him. We all did that for our babies!!! You won't be the same, as we are also changed. All you can do is love your other babies more, as they love you, too. No, it's not Puffy. And that stinks!!! All you can do is go on, just as we have. If something were to happen to you, what would happen to your 3 cats and one dog? That's 4 loving babies whose lives you saved. I know it's not Puffy. But they love you, too. Give them extra love. It helps with the loss, although it feels like it doesn't. -Mikey

Dear puffysmammyforever, I'm very sorry for your loss. You know that I and everyone else knows the terrible ordeal you're going through. We also know you are NOT guilty of anything wrong. This is when it is better to not have loved because of the deep loss. Especially a soulmate. Pumpkin, Randolph I, Muggsy, and my dog Brandy felt like soulmates. Yes, it does get better with time. You will fall back into the painful times. My own feeling is that somewhere along the line, maybe you should get another loved one. To have such a great amount of love on the inside bottled up because Puffy isn't there to receive it is part of what's killing you. One thing I can suggest is when you think you may feel up to it is to visit an animal shelter and see how you handle it. I did so a few months ago. I didn't want to do it, but I wanted to test myself to see how I'd handle it. I didn't go to pieces like I thought I would. Yes, the grief can last for years. Although it will diminish, the emptiness and pain will still be there, although the pain won't be nearly as severe as it is now. Do not do anything rash!!! You have the chance to save and love at least one more Puffy. The more pets we can save, that means less will be put to sleep. You have love to give another cat or two or three. Do so. But, first get through this terrible time. It stinks. There's no way around it. We all know you did all you could for Puffy, just as we all did all we could for our babies. I promise you things will get better, although the hole in your heart and soul will remain, although to a greatly diminished degree. Yes, time does heal the wound, although not really 100% of the time. But, it won't be nearly as bad as it is now. Randolph II looks like the spitting image of Randolph I. That has been a great help to me. Their personalities are not totally the same. I was closer to Randolph I. But, the physical similarity has helped tremendously, although Randolph II is a girl. I couldn't call her anything but Randolph. If you can get a spitting image of Puffy, that should help. If not, I hope you get one that is a great loving baby just like Puffy. You are not alone. Maylissa- thank you for your response on this. I hope all is well with you. Good luck to us all, ladies. Love, Mikey

Dear Friends, The grief about losing Pumpkin returned about 3 weeks ago. It goes on and off. Here we go again. I guess it will pass. This reinforces my feeling that I wish I never knew her. That way, the burden of loss and the pain of heartache wouldn't be here. From what we've observed, Camille is needier and whinier. Much of the time when we're at the computer desk, she's next to us on her towel. She's not really affectionate, but she's sweet and loving in her own way. No doubt she also misses her mom. Sometimes life really sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -MikeyW

Dear Elizabeth, I hope your life will improve quickly. I don't know why life has to be such a pain in the butt!!! It should be easier than it is - or isn't.I guess all we can do to get some sort of joy is work on projects we enjoy and stay in contact with people that bring us up instead of down. Travel is alwo wonderful for a change of scenery. -Mike

Dear Elizabeth, Thank you. I hope your pain has lessened greatly. I feel as though a very heavy burden has been lifted from my shoulders. May you and everyone else feel the same relief. -Mike

Dear Friends, I noticed the last week or two that I really don't grieve anymore. I can't really give an explanation as to why. I still deeply love my departed babies. Yet, it seems that my thinking about them has diminished greatly, as has the pain. I wish the same for ALL of you. Maybe it's because I'm busy writing my book and thinking about the things I have to do with it. I really don't know what happened, or I'd be happy to share my knowledge with you. One thing I did do was sent in "Is It Better To Have Loved And Lost?" into a writers competition. Perhaps when I sent it in via e-mail, I was letting go of the pain and the past. That's probably about the best guess I can make. Once in a while I will feel a twinge, but not often. I like not having the burden of grief. May you ALL feel the same shortly. Most Sincerely, Mikey

Dear Margaret, I can't sneak another cat in. Maybe someday we'll get another one in here. Here's a funny story. I don't know if you ever saw the old Catnip and Herman cartoons as a kid. Catnip was the cat and Herman was the mouse, who had mouse friends. Whenever Catnip was about to chase them, they yelled, "It's Catnip!!!" Whenever I give the kids catnip as a treat, I yell, "It's Catnip!!!" in a high pitched voice. They come running because they know what they're getting. Years ago I offered Hartz Mountain the use of Randolph I and Muggsy for a catnip commercial, but they weren't interested. Oh, well. We get a good laugh about it. Also, Randolph I sucked on Carolyn's ear. I called him a "Mothersucker." We loved when he did it. So sweet and innocent. What you did with Fanchon H'sa wasn't gross. We do what we can to help ou kids survive out of love and the hope it will help them. Nothing gross or sick about it. -Mikey

Dear goddessinsecta, Thank you for your kind words about my writing. I can tell you that my heart was completely in what I wrote. I once read that writing about something so terrible helps to heal, so I wrote. I'm sorry about Penrod. Even younger than my babies. No age is good for loss. I know you can't look forward to the number 13. I can tell you that my Dad was born on March 13, so I looked forward to that day. He was a great Dad and very nice person. I'd LOVE to get a lap cat, just as Pumpkin and Muggsy were. Randolph II and Camille are not as loving as Pumpkin and Muggsy, so that's why I miss them so much. My wife is against the idea, as she said two's company and three's a crowd. Also, that Randolph and Camille may very well not like the new addition to the family. Also, part of her allergies are cats. But, I think that part of a "cure," although it's not exactly a cure, is to get another loving, affectionate pet. Yes, we'll ALWAYS miss the special ones, but I believe some sort of replacement (that's not really the word I want to use) would make the grief a bit less severe, as our love would not be bottled up with nowhere to go. This is one "party" I wish no one would EVER have to attend!!! All I can say is welcome to the club. The club stinks, but the people are wonderful!!! -Mikey

Dear Elizabeth, I'm so sorry you lost Roarie. You know I know how terrible you feel. I'm sorry it took so long to respond. We had a computer virus and got the computer back yesterday. Love, Mike

Ther'a a lot of wonderful folks on this site. I guess time is the best thing - or only thing that can do any healing. It's never completely healed. It remains painfil. The sharpness remains, but gets a bit duller as time goes on. Sounds like your vets has a kind heart. -Mikey

Dear Drago's Mommy, I don't know what to say. Words seem useless at such a terrible time as this, and it's so easy to be self absorbed in this pain. That's why lots of times I wish I never had pets. The heartache is a killer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can tell you that the pain lessens over time, but is still there. I wish we had our cats the time you had Drago. We wouldn't be suffering if that was the case. No matter how old or young a pet or human lives, the pain is excruciating when they leave us. All we can do is hope heaven is what it's cracked up to be and that we will ALL be reunited and whole again when we leave. Go to petloss.com It's very much like this site. It may help. It may not. I have hair from our cats. Big whooppee! It doesn't replace the flesh and holding them. I bought a toy cat that meows when you touch it from Target for about $12.00 at Target a few months ago. I put ashes from our cats in small plastic bags the size that holds a housekey from a hardware store. I then put them in the cat and have it on the desk. Does it help? Yes and no. Probably not really in the end. When we are suffering like this, we don't know what to do. We try anything to try to fend off the insanity from the intense pain. We all feel guilt for what we did or didn't do. What we did do is LOVE our babies. That we know. I also have DVDs made of the cats and watch them once in a while. sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't. The bottom line is that we know we miss them dearly and wish they were with us in the flesh. We have ashes, too. I hate the damn garage because that's where we keep their ashes. so, our cats are still living with us. Yeah, right! Whooppee doo again! There's no way to win. All we can do is try to fight the demons of guilt and pain. We've all played everything in our heads and hearts a million times. It always ends up the same way. I can tell you I cry a lot less, but the emptiness in my heart is still there. Maybe getting another dog that resembles Drago about 100% would help. Our cat, Randolph II, resembles Randolph I close to 100% physically. There are always differences in behavior. But, that has helped. Yes, I miss Randolph, but miss him less because of our current "clone." I picked her from the animal shelter because of the great resemblance. Even if she was the cat from Hell I would have done so to try to ease the pain. Even though she's a girl I named her "Randolph" to fend off the pain. We do whatever we can to try to ease the pain. Good luck to you. We all need it. Love, Mikey

Dear Elizabeth, I'm sorry things are not going well. I can suggest these things: If everyone is waling on eggshells, maybe you should go away by yourself for a weekend and do something different for yourself, like go to a zoo or a tourist spot - just for a change. And, maybe you can also grieve at the hotel room at night in order to cleanse your soul. Maybe you've been keeping everything inside, where it only festers. A change of scenery can do wonders! Also, we still have Camille and Randolph II to love and entertain us. That no doubt helps us. Maybe getting another pet or two would help, as well. I visited the animal shelter a few weeks ago to test myself. I thought I'd cry, but I didn't. When I did cry I'd do it when Carolyn wasn't around so she couldn't see or hear me. I haven't cried in a few weeks, although my heart does get heavy , especially when I go into the garage where the 4 urns of our babies are. I hate the garage!!!!!!!!!! Also, because there's so much junk in there. All I can say is that if you don't cleanse the pain from your body, you and everyone else will be miserable. I say prayers for the departed. Does it help? I don't know. But what else can we do? Love, Mikey

Dear Elizabeth, We're doing better. There's no need to explain anything to anybody because it doesn't affect them, since their loved one hasn't died. Love is love is love- whether a person or a pet. The feelings are the same. The pain is the same. My Dad died on Christmas Day of 2005. Yet, I still miss the cats more than Dad. That may sound crazy, but I think I know why. Dad was WONDERFUL!!!!!!!!! You couldn't ask for a better father!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dad had all the love, wisdom, kindness, and all the wonderful, admirable qualities a parent should have. My guess is that I don't miss him as much as perhaps I should is that I constantly told him how much I loved him and why. I did so with letters, on the phone, e-mail, and in person. It was a two-way street with us. He also had lots of health problems for many years and died of a heart attack. He had heart problems, diabetes, and lots of other things. Our cats are our kids. They're much more helpless in many ways than we humans are. We are their caregivers and nurturers. We feel terrible and guilty when taking them to the vet, even just for shots. I know I don't have to explain this to you. Yes, I miss Dad and would LOVE to still have him here. I guess it's that we as humans take on the responsibility of caring for our pets. We want the best for them because we love them. They can't write letters or make phone calls. They can communicate with us, but not nearly the way people can. While we feel helpless when a human is ill &/or dies, it somehow seems worse with a pet because we really are their parents - they're just not in a human life form. They're younger, more innocent, more vulnerable, and they tend to melt our hearts more than many humans because they can't communicate to the same extent as us, and their love seems to be much more true because they don't have an agenda or conditions. -Mikey

Dear kayc, I cannot disagree with anything you said. And, you put it so beautifully. What kills me in our case is that 3 out of 4 cats were so young - only 3 or 4 years old. I think that's the hardest part of all. And, their innocence. I also look forward to being with my beloved human and pet family members. Then, life will be complete again - for those in heaven - not for those grieving here. It seems like damned if you do and damned if you don't. Thank you for your wonderful thoughts. -Mikey

Dear Maylissa, What a very meaningful poem! I once read that writing helps to heal, so that's why I wrote "Is It Better To Have Loved And Lost?" No, lots of times I don't feel healed. I do have a possible suggestion to help. Randolph #2, although a girl, is almost the spitting image of Randolph #1,who was a boy. The fact that they look alike has greatly eased my grief over Randolph #1. It's still there, but not nearly as bad as for the other cats. There are behavior differences, but it's been a tremendous help. So, I was thinking that you may want to get a Maggie look alike and name him or her Maggie to help with the grief. Also, we met some people and went to their house a couple of weeks ago for dinner. Turns out they have a cat that greatly resembles Pumpkin. Needless to say, guess who I hung out with much of the time. I had her on my lap a bit, and she is very sweet. Her name is Annie, but I whispered the name "Pumpkin" when I spoke to her. We do what we can to survive and ease the pain. -Mike

Dear Maylissa, I'm very sorry for the terrible loss of dear Maggie. You know I know how it is. It just plain stinks!!! The grief is awful. Sometimes it seems like it won't ever go away. I don't know what to say, other than I'm sorry you're enduring this again. I'll pray for you and Maggie's soul in heaven. Love, Mike

Dear Elizabeth, Hopefully she wasn't feeling too well because of being spayed, and that she's starting to recover from that. I got spayed in 1993 and I recovered!!! -Mike

Dear Elizabeth, I'll say prayers, although I wish I could cure Roarie. They are so innocent and sweet, and that's why it hurts so much. That's why I feel the way I do about "Is It Better To Have Loved And Lost?" To feel so helpless to help our babies is the worst feeling!!! I WISH I COULD CURE ROARIE AND THE REST OF OUR BELOVED ONES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Mike

Dear Elizabeth, If only life were fair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's why I have such a hard time. If LOVE would be a cure, our babies would never be sick. My heart goes out to you and Roarie. Love, Mike

Dear Elizabeth, As you know, I know what you and Rorie are going through. I wish I knew what to say, other than my prayers are also with you and Rorie. When they're that young and sweet and innocent, they DESERVE a chance. -Mike

Thank you, Elizabeth. You, too. -Mike

Tonight we went to dinner at our friends' home. This is the first time we were there. I couldn't believe it, but they have a calico cat that probably looks about 90% like Pumpkin!!! Needless to say, I was drawn to it, and spent quite a bit of time petting her. I also put her on my lap,and she happily stayed there and let me pet her. Words cannot say how wonderful it felt!!! Naturally, I kissed her and pet her the way I pet Pumpkin, although she did not respond in the same way. For instance, Pumpkin loved when I stroked her with both hands from her nose to her ears. This cat didn't mind it, but the response was not the same. Yet, petting her was such a treat. Much of the heaviness in my heart left me. It's amazing how a look alike can help you out. -Mikey W.

We have a closed in garage at our house. Today I took the box containing the urns of Randolph I, Muggsy, Princess, and Pumpkin, and put it on a shelf out of sight (BUT NEVER OUT OF MY HEART, SOUL, AND MIND)!!! Every time I'd walk in the garage I'd see that damned box! All of them should still be with us in the flesh so they could be hugged and kissed!!! Maybe this will help some. A few years ago I read that one way to try to heal grief is to write about it. That's how "Is It Better To Have Loved And Lost?" came about. Some days are okay, but some like today are not. I'm writing a book about the renovation of Yankee Stadium from 1973-1975, as I'm keeping busy, and enjoy writing. I took over 200 photos in 13 trips to the Stadium. There are no books on it, so I'll write one. It's a long way to go. And, it's much more joyous than writing about grief. I only hope for all our sakes that Rainbow Bridge IS TRUE and not made up to try to make people feel better. I know I'll never feel whole or completely joyous until these houes in my heart, mind, and soul are healed by rejoining my human loved ones and furry babies. No, it is NOT better to have loved and lost. The pain is too great to bear. It scars us for life. There are days we still enjoy life and laugh. But, deep down, there is a tempered part of our soul that knows that no matter how happy we can be, our loved ones are not here. Our lives and joys are incomplete. My apologies for this reply being a downer. Thank God for the days when our lives are uppers. -Mike W.